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‘Niagara’ Quotes Page 1 of 5

The Office: Niagara

604. Niagara

Aired October 8, 2009

The employees head to Niagara Falls for Jim and Pam's wedding.

Quote from Angela

Pam: Okay. All of these things are important to remember, but the most important thing is that no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Jim: Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people might be offended.
Angela: Decent people everywhere will be offended.
Pam: Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned.
Angela: Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers.

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Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet.
Front Desk Clerk: You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please.
Kevin: Thank you.
Front Desk Clerk: [whispers to manager] Sir, it's the man with the shoes.
Hotel Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Hotel Manager: No, destroyed.
Kevin: What?
Hotel Manager: When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Hotel Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
Kevin: Well... Well, damn it.
Front Desk Clerk: I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Kevin: Okay.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [clinking glass] Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy, and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. [as Jerry Seinfeld] Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? [as nerd] "I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car." That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight K. Schrute: Knight Rider.
Michael Scott: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very smart.
Michael Scott: And... you... Everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight, especially the Florida cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?
Pam: Like a year.
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes, yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So, I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses
Meemaw: What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?
Jim: Pam can't drink? I didn't- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I- No. What we want- The real reason is that, um, that Pam's pregnant.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That was a little touch and go at first, but I think we saved it.
Jim: I can't believe it was me.
Michael Scott: I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Jim: Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?
Michael Scott: I have not found that to be the case.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Meemaw, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encourage them. That's part of life.
Meemaw: People are like cats and dogs these days.
Michael Scott: Exactly.
Meemaw: This used to be such a great country.
Michael Scott: I know.
Meemaw: I don't know what happened to it.
Michael Scott: They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Meemaw.
Meemaw: You mean, Sylvia.
Michael Scott: Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [Kevin sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Woo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
Isabel: Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nine and three-quarters.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's still considering it. Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said no.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hi, Meemaw. It's Michael.
Meemaw: Oh. You're that foul man that kept talking about intercourse.
Michael Scott: Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy.
Phyllis: Now this is getting ridiculous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.
Meredith: All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I am not stopping for anybody.
Pam: I don't think I'm asking for too much. [to camera:] I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay and don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.
Andy: What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter]
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.
Andy: Nom I didn't steal your joke.
Michael Scott: Yes, I said that yesterday.
Dwight K. Schrute: But you can say that about anything.
Michael Scott: Dwight...
Dwight K. Schrute: What happens in accounting, stays in accounting.
Kevin: Oh yeah.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's so easy. That's what I'm saying.
Michael Scott: This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Michael Scott: Get out of here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.
Michael Scott: There's... a name.
Dwight K. Schrute: Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.
Michael Scott: Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, she's really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
Micheal: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.
Michael Scott: Is that all you have on her?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name.
Michael Scott: Okay, you're an idiot.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office, but I'm going to turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn.] It's the hair-- [beeps again.] Okay, okay. I'm going. [long beep] God.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Hey, my aunt told me something neat.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Jim: Oh, wow. That's cool.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: [aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Lousy picture.
Pam: We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Michael Scott: Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna like this. [Dwight's voice on the CD] "Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah, to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of your night in heaven--" [Michael turns off CD]
Michael Scott: Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. It's practical.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. No, no. That's not how it works.

Quote from Pam

Front Desk Clerk: Halpert.
Jim: And Beesly. Tonight we're in two separate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.
Front Desk Clerk: Great.
Jim: I know. We're pretty excited, too.
Pam: Can we take a look at the suite now?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in.
Pam: Oh. Is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there.
Andy: Hey, I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. [laughs]
Jim: I don't like that.
Pam: I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.

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