Pam: Okay. All of these things are important to remember, but the most important thing is that no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Jim: Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people might be offended.
Angela: Decent people everywhere will be offended.
Pam: Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned.
Angela: Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers.

Michael Scott: [talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I bawl the entire time. I can not watch Pixar.

Kevin: I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned and polished, but they haven't been returned yet.
Front Desk Clerk: You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please.
Kevin: Thank you.
Front Desk Clerk: [whispers to manager] Sir, it's the man with the shoes.
Hotel Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Hotel Manager: No, destroyed.
Kevin: What?
Hotel Manager: When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Hotel Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
Kevin: Well... Well, damn it.
Front Desk Clerk: I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Kevin: Okay.

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Michael Scott: [clinking glass] Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy, and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. [as Jerry Seinfeld] Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? [as nerd] "I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car." That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight K. Schrute: Knight Rider.
Michael Scott: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very smart.
Michael Scott: And... you... Everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.

Jim: I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight, especially the Florida cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?
Pam: Like a year.
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes, yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So, I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses
Meemaw: What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?
Jim: Pam can't drink? I didn't- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I- No. What we want- The real reason is that, um, that Pam's pregnant.

Michael Scott: That was a little touch and go at first, but I think we saved it.
Jim: I can't believe it was me.
Michael Scott: I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Jim: Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?
Michael Scott: I have not found that to be the case.

Michael Scott: May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Meemaw, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encourage them. That's part of life.
Meemaw: People are like cats and dogs these days.
Michael Scott: Exactly.
Meemaw: This used to be such a great country.
Michael Scott: I know.
Meemaw: I don't know what happened to it.
Michael Scott: They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Meemaw.
Meemaw: You mean, Sylvia.
Michael Scott: Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio.

Kevin: What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [Kevin sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Woo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.

Michael Scott: When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.