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‘Niagara’ Quotes

The Office: Niagara

604. Niagara

Aired October 8, 2009

The employees head to Niagara Falls for Jim and Pam's wedding.

Quote from Angela

Pam: Okay. All of these things are important to remember, but the most important thing is that no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Jim: Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people might be offended.
Angela: Decent people everywhere will be offended.
Pam: Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned.
Angela: Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers.

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Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet.
Front Desk Clerk: You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please.
Kevin: Thank you.
Front Desk Clerk: [whispers to manager] Sir, it's the man with the shoes.
Hotel Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Hotel Manager: No, destroyed.
Kevin: What?
Hotel Manager: When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Hotel Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
Kevin: Well... Well, damn it.
Front Desk Clerk: I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Kevin: Okay.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [clinking glass] Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy, and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. [as Jerry Seinfeld] Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? [as nerd] "I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car." That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight K. Schrute: Knight Rider.
Michael Scott: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very smart.
Michael Scott: And... you... Everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight, especially the Florida cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?
Pam: Like a year.
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes, yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So, I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses
Meemaw: What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?
Jim: Pam can't drink? I didn't- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I- No. What we want- The real reason is that, um, that Pam's pregnant.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That was a little touch and go at first, but I think we saved it.
Jim: I can't believe it was me.
Michael Scott: I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Jim: Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?
Michael Scott: I have not found that to be the case.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Meemaw, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encourage them. That's part of life.
Meemaw: People are like cats and dogs these days.
Michael Scott: Exactly.
Meemaw: This used to be such a great country.
Michael Scott: I know.
Meemaw: I don't know what happened to it.
Michael Scott: They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Meemaw.
Meemaw: You mean, Sylvia.
Michael Scott: Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [Kevin sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Woo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
Isabel: Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nine and three-quarters.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's still considering it. Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said no.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hi, Meemaw. It's Michael.
Meemaw: Oh. You're that foul man that kept talking about intercourse.
Michael Scott: Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy.
Phyllis: Now this is getting ridiculous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.
Meredith: All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I am not stopping for anybody.
Pam: I don't think I'm asking for too much. [to camera:] I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay and don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.
Andy: What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter]
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.
Andy: Nom I didn't steal your joke.
Michael Scott: Yes, I said that yesterday.
Dwight K. Schrute: But you can say that about anything.
Michael Scott: Dwight...
Dwight K. Schrute: What happens in accounting, stays in accounting.
Kevin: Oh yeah.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's so easy. That's what I'm saying.
Michael Scott: This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Michael Scott: Get out of here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.
Michael Scott: There's... a name.
Dwight K. Schrute: Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.
Michael Scott: Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, she's really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
Micheal: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.
Michael Scott: Is that all you have on her?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name.
Michael Scott: Okay, you're an idiot.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office, but I'm going to turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn.] It's the hair-- [beeps again.] Okay, okay. I'm going. [long beep] God.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Hey, my aunt told me something neat.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Jim: Oh, wow. That's cool.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: [aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Lousy Picture.
Pam: We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Michael Scott: Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna like this. [Dwight's voice on the CD] "Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah, to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of your night in heaven--" [Michael turns off CD]
Michael Scott: Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. It's practical.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. No, no. That's not how it works.

Quote from Pam

Front Desk Clerk: Halpert.
Jim: And Beesly. Tonight we're in two separate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.
Front Desk Clerk: Great.
Jim: I know. We're pretty excited, too.
Pam: Can we take a look at the suite now?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in.
Pam: Oh. Is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there.
Andy: Hey, I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. [laughs]
Jim: I don't like that.
Pam: I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.
Michael Scott: Hey, Stanley? Favor? Can I stay in your room tonight?
Stanley: Are you out of your mind? I brought Cynthia with me.
Michael Scott: Not in the same bed. In the other bed.
Stanley: I got one queen size bed.
Michael Scott: You. Are. Kidding me.
Stanley: A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael.
Michael Scott: I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?
Erin: Oh. Gross.
Kelly: Blow my brains out.
Michael Scott: That's rude.
Toby: Michael, I have an extra twin bed, if you want.
Michael Scott: You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you should just get used to it.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, Meemaw.
Meemaw: I wasn't sure about your branch of the family, after I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you.
Pam: Oh. Thank you, but nobody's perfect.
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report.
Little Girl: Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter?
Dwight K. Schrute: Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim - the bad man - was busy kissing the boss man's butt.
Kids: Ewwww!
Dwight K. Schrute: That's right. It is ew. It is very ew.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [clears throat] Okay. Okay. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... They had an accident, and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consensual sex
Meemaw: They were living together?
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes, they were living together. Yes. And you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.
Jim: Michael.
Michael Scott: When you c- Well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation.
Jim: Oh, my God. Please.
Michael Scott: When you use something to block- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman-
Pam: Michael.
Michael Scott: -but it's different for the- Okay, okay.
Pam: Michael. Stop.
Michael Scott: All right. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Meemaw, I hope you heard every word

Quote from Pam

Meemaw: I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called "Bruno" last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, "How could they pick such a hotel?" Hmm. Now, I know.
Pam: Meemaw.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Hey, smooth guys.
Jim: I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott: Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.
Pam: Meemaw's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Jim: Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Michael Scott: There's gonna be a free room?

Quote from Angela

Angela: And where do you think you're going?
Pam: I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.
Angela: Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead?
Pam: I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while.
Angela: Mmm-hmm. Okay. I'll go with you. Come on.
Pam: [sighs] Nevermind.
Angela: Are you sure?
Pam: Yeah.
Angela: It'll be fun.
Pam: No.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[Dwight is wearing the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt]
Michael Scott: What are you wearing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What? It's a casual, social outfit.
Michael Scott: Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: [howls]
Michael Scott: That's not appropriate.
Dwight K. Schrute: [howls]
Michael Scott: Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl]

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: It's good. It's a good idea.
Oscar: It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.
Kevin: Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice.

Quote from Andy

Kevin: What else you got?
Andy: Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams in agony]

Quote from Pam

Pam: Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours.
Andy: Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here.
Pam: [on the phone] Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital?
Jim: What?
Pam: He tore his scrotum dancing.
Jim: What?
Pam: He is in my room icing his balls.
Jim: What?
Pam: Please stop saying what.

Quote from Phyllis

Stanley: If your hat hits me in the face one more time-
Phyllis: That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. [glares at Stanley's date]

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me.
Andy: I wasn't telling you.
Meredith: Is there still something there?
Andy: Excuse me?
Meredith: It didn't get torn off?
Andy: No, it didn't- Nothing got torn off. Who told you that?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Hey.
Jim: Wow. You look...
Pam: Terrible.
Jim: So beautiful. [Pam's starts to cry.] Hey.
Pam: My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels,
Jim: Hey, you look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you're so pretty.
Pam: [sighs] Thank you.
Jim: And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right?
Pam: No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and- [Jim cuts off half his tie]
Jim: There. Now we're even.

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: What are you doing?
Kevin: [bouncing up and down] I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee.
Oscar: How long do you take to pee?
Kevin: The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.

Quote from Angela

Erin: Do you think they canceled the wedding?
Angela: Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970's key party.

Quote from Kevin

Meredith: Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing?
Stanley: Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster?
Kevin: Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs?
Stanley: No.
Kevin: Who would want it?
Oscar: Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes.


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