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81Quotes from ‘Niagara’

The Office: Niagara

604. Niagara

Aired October 8, 2009

The employees head to Niagara Falls for Jim and Pam's wedding.

Quote from Angela

Pam: Okay. All of these things are important to remember, but the most important thing is that no one say anything about my pregnancy at the wedding.
Jim: Absolutely. 'Cause not everyone knows and some people might be offended.
Angela: Decent people everywhere will be offended.
Pam: Well, we're thinking of my grandmother who we haven't told and is very old-fashioned.
Angela: Well, you're lucky you have a grandmother. Some of us have to be our own grandmothers.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I can not watch Pixar.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven't been returned yet.
Front Desk Clerk: You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please.
Kevin: Thank you.
Front Desk Clerk: [whispers to manager] Sir, it's the man with the shoes.
Hotel Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Hotel Manager: No, destroyed.
Kevin: What?
Hotel Manager: When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Hotel Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
Kevin: Well... Well, damn it.
Front Desk Clerk: I can offer you a complimentary breakfast.
Kevin: Okay.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed. It's amazing. A three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [clinking glass] Hello. Hi, everybody. I promised I wasn't gonna make a toast and I'm not going to. Just going to do a little free standing comedy, and if at the end everybody wants to raise their glasses to Pam and Jim, then so be it. [as Jerry Seinfeld] Hey, what is the deal with the Smart Car? How smart is that? Those things are tiny. Can you even drive them in traffic? [as nerd] "I'm so smart. E=mc... squared. I drive a Smart Car." That's not smart in my book. The real smart car is Kitt from Knight Rider.
Dwight K. Schrute: Knight Rider.
Michael Scott: That's a car that can talk. Can Smart Car talk? Nope.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: That's not smart. And also, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very smart.
Michael Scott: And... you... Everybody can laugh. It doesn't have to just be the idiots. Everybody can laugh.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I just want to say how happy we are that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who traveled from far away to be here with us tonight, especially the Florida cousins who, obviously, can't take a hint. [laughter] Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Uh, don't get me wrong. I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of my friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive a stick?
Pam: Like a year.
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school. So... yes, yes. For a really long time that's all I had. I just had little moments with a girl who saw me as friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl who I worked with, but I think even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife. So, I would like to propose a toast. So if you'd all raise your glasses. Not Pam, for obvious reasons, but everyone else. If you would raise your glasses
Meemaw: What's obvious? Why can't Pam drink?
Jim: Pam can't drink? I didn't- I shouldn't have said that. I don't know why I did. She can do whatever she wants, though she shouldn't. She shouldn't because she's an alcoholic. Pam is an alcoholic. That's not true. I- No. What we want- The real reason is that, um, that Pam's pregnant.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: That was a little touch and go at first, but I think we saved it.
Jim: I can't believe it was me.
Michael Scott: I know. I can't believe it was you, either. I actually think it takes a lot of pressure off of me.
Jim: Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?
Michael Scott: I have not found that to be the case.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: May I? Here's the thing. Umm... Meemaw, I think you just need to chill out about this whole Pam getting pregnant thing. It's not 1890 anymore. It's modern day. And women have sex before marriage and I think we need to celebrate that. And I know in your day she would be considered a whore but, now, women go out and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encourage them. That's part of life.
Meemaw: People are like cats and dogs these days.
Michael Scott: Exactly.
Meemaw: This used to be such a great country.
Michael Scott: I know.
Meemaw: I don't know what happened to it.
Michael Scott: They're gonna name the baby after you, you know. They're gonna call it Meemaw.
Meemaw: You mean, Sylvia.
Michael Scott: Yes, and if it's a boy they will call it Sylvio.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: What an awesome party. The best wedding I've ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [Kevin sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Woo. My feet were so sweaty I can't even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn, we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
Isabel: Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nine and three-quarters.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's still considering it. Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said, 'No'.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hi, Meemaw. It's Michael.
Meemaw: Oh. You're that foul man that kept talking about intercourse.
Michael Scott: Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy.
Phyllis: Now this is getting ridiculous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.
Meredith: All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I am not stopping for anybody.
Pam: I don't think I'm asking for too much. [to camera:] I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay and don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.
Andy: What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter]
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.
Andy: Nom I didn't steal your joke.
Michael Scott: Yes, I said that yesterday.
Dwight K. Schrute: But you can say that about anything.
Michael Scott: Dwight...
Dwight K. Schrute: What happens in accounting, stays in accounting.
Kevin: Oh yeah.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's so easy. That's what I'm saying.
Michael Scott: This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Michael Scott: Get out of here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.
Michael Scott: There's... a name.
Dwight K. Schrute: Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.
Michael Scott: Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, she's really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
Micheal: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.
Michael Scott: Is that all you have on her?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name.
Michael Scott: Okay, you're an idiot.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office, but I'm going to turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn.] It's the hair-- [beeps again.] Okay, okay. I'm going. [long beep] God.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Hey, my aunt told me something neat.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Jim: Oh, wow. That's cool.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: [aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Lousy Picture.
Pam: We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Michael Scott: Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna like this. [Dwight's voice on the CD] "Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah, to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of your night in heaven--" [Michael turns off CD]
Michael Scott: Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. It's practical.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. No, no. That's not how it works.

Quote from Pam

Front Desk Clerk: Halpert.
Jim: And Beesly. Tonight we're in two separate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.
Front Desk Clerk: Great.
Jim: I know. We're pretty excited, too.
Pam: Can we take a look at the suite now?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in.
Pam: Oh. Is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there.
Andy: Hey, I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. [laughs]
Jim: I don't like that.
Pam: I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.
Michael Scott: Hey, Stanley? Favor? Can I stay in your room tonight?
Stanley: Are you out of your mind? I brought Cynthia with me.
Michael Scott: Not in the same bed. In the other bed.
Stanley: I got one queen size bed.
Michael Scott: You. Are. Kidding me.
Stanley: A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael.
Michael Scott: I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?
Erin: Oh. Gross.
Kelly: Blow my brains out.
Michael Scott: That's rude.
Toby: Michael, I have an extra twin bed, if you want.
Michael Scott: You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you should just get used to it.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, Meemaw.
Meemaw: I wasn't sure about your branch of the family, after I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you.
Pam: Oh. Thank you, but nobody's perfect.
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report.
Little Girl: Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter?
Dwight K. Schrute: Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim - the bad man - was busy kissing the boss man's butt.
Kids: Ewwww!
Dwight K. Schrute: That's right. It is ew. It is very ew.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [clears throat] Okay. Okay. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... They had an accident, and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consensual sex
Meemaw: They were living together?
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes, they were living together. Yes. And you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.
Jim: Michael.
Michael Scott: When you c- Well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation.
Jim: Oh, my God. Please.
Michael Scott: When you use something to block- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman-
Pam: Michael.
Michael Scott: -but it's different for the- Okay, okay.
Pam: Michael. Stop.
Michael Scott: All right. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Meemaw, I hope you heard every word

Quote from Pam

Meemaw: I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called "Bruno" last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, "How could they pick such a hotel?" Hmm. Now, I know.
Pam: Meemaw.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Hey, smooth guys.
Jim: I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott: Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.
Pam: Meemaw's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Jim: Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Michael Scott: There's gonna be a free room?

Quote from Angela

Angela: And where do you think you're going?
Pam: I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.
Angela: Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead?
Pam: I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while.
Angela: Mmm-hmm. Okay. I'll go with you. Come on.
Pam: [sighs] Nevermind.
Angela: Are you sure?
Pam: Yeah.
Angela: It'll be fun.
Pam: No.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[Dwight is wearing the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt]
Michael Scott: What are you wearing?
Dwight K. Schrute: What? It's a casual, social outfit.
Michael Scott: Looks like you're going to a fish fry, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. They're howling at the moon. It's suggestive to women because of the howling during sex.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: [howls]
Michael Scott: That's not appropriate.
Dwight K. Schrute: [howls]
Michael Scott: Uncool. Uncool, Dwight. [they both howl]

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: It's good. It's a good idea.
Oscar: It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.
Kevin: Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice.

Quote from Andy

Kevin: What else you got?
Andy: Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams in agony]

Quote from Pam

Pam: Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours.
Andy: Everyone else is too drunk. Just don't let me die here.
Pam: [on the phone] Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital?
Jim: What?
Pam: He tore his scrotum dancing.
Jim: What?
Pam: He is in my room icing his balls.
Jim: What?
Pam: Please stop saying what.

Quote from Phyllis

Stanley: If your hat hits me in the face one more time-
Phyllis: That's funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. [glares at Stanley's date]

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Crotch injuries are the worst. You don't need to tell me.
Andy: I wasn't telling you.
Meredith: Is there still something there?
Andy: Excuse me?
Meredith: It didn't get torn off?
Andy: No, it didn't- Nothing got torn off. Who told you that?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I may have told some people that. I'm nervous. I'm about to get married.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Hey.
Jim: Wow. You look...
Pam: Terrible.
Jim: So beautiful. [Pam's starts to cry.] Hey.
Pam: My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I'm five months pregnant that I'm not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels,
Jim: Hey, you look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you're so pretty.
Pam: [sighs] Thank you.
Jim: And who cares? It's a stupid veil, right?
Pam: No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and- [Jim cuts off half his tie]
Jim: There. Now we're even.

Quote from Kevin

Oscar: What are you doing?
Kevin: [bouncing up and down] I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee.
Oscar: How long do you take to pee?
Kevin: The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.

Quote from Angela

Erin: Do you think they canceled the wedding?
Angela: Relax. You'll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970's key party.

Quote from Kevin

Meredith: Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing?
Stanley: Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster?
Kevin: Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs?
Stanley: No.
Kevin: Who would want it?
Oscar: Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I'm sorry. You guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately. So, if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume... and if your lunch is especially pungent, maybe have it in the break room?
Jim: We would really appreciate it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [to camera] Watching people get sick always makes me sick. And, frankly, so does talking about it. So... Wow.
[Back in the office, Andy throws up. Erin follows, then Meredith. Phyllis gets up and walks away. Oscar rushes out of the room, followed by Kevin. Creed continues eating his bowl of noodles.]

Quote from Michael Scott

[Michael stands next to a car decorated with tin cans and "Going to a Wedding" written on the rear windshield]
Michael Scott: Well, what do you think? I spent all morning on it.
Jim: It is really special.
Pam: Yeah, but aren't you supposed to do that to our... No, it's great.
Michael Scott: It's just a really important day for me.
Jim: Well, congrats.
Michael Scott: Thanks.

Quote from Erin

Erin: [recording message] Dunder Mifflin Scranton will be closed today and Friday for a company wedding in Niagara Falls. So, please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Have a great day.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: Believe it or not, Kevin, fire crackers are in the don't column.
Kevin: So you're going to provide them, then?
Jim: No, this is a fire cracker free wedding.
Kevin: What the hell?
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on. You've got to be kidding me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Next time we're all in this room, Jim and I will be married.
Dwight K. Schrute: We'll see.
Pam: Thank you, Dwight.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [in Andy's car, Andy driving] Hey, does one of you guys want to sit up front with me so I have someone to talk to? It's like a five hour drive-ish, you know.
Kelly: Nah. This is so much cooler. We feel like we're in a limo and you're our driver.
Andy: Mmm. Erin?
Erin: Oh, no. That wouldn't be fair to leave Kelly alone in back.
Andy: [to camera] Not only is Erin really sweet and cute... she smell's like my mom.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Niagara Falls used to be, like, a spiritual experience for people. They stayed in tents and it blew their minds. It's really kitschy now, which is a lot of fun.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Hello. Reservation for Michael Scott.
Front Desk Clerk: One moment while I check.
Dwight K. Schrute: The proximity to the falls makes everything smell like a basement.
Michael Scott: Mmm-hmm.
Front Desk Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not seeing you in here. When did you make your reservation?
Michael Scott: I don't have a reservation but I want a room in the Halpert-Beesly block of rooms.
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, okay. Unfortunately, sir, the block only applies to the rate. I'm afraid we're all sold out.
Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight Schrute. I have a reservation. Confirmation number: Romeo. Tango. G7745.
Front Desk Clerk: Yes. Schrute.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I had spoken to Teresa about a room with two safes?
Front Desk Clerk: Sure. No problem.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Front Desk Clerk: Here's your key, Mr. Schrute.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Dwight. Dwight, Dwight. I need to stay in your room.
Dwight K. Schrute: No way. What if I meet someone?
Michael Scott: I'm staying in your- Come on, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no.
Michael Scott: I would do the same for you.
Dwight K. Schrute: You would?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes... just go--
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait a second. Oh. No, no, no. This must be some kind of mistake. This reservation seems to be under an M. Scott. This must be yours.
Michael Scott: Oh. Thank God.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh no. Now that I don't have a room, can I stay with you?
Michael Scott: Um... no. And you know what? I would say yes, but you can't. And I'll tell you why.
Dwight K. Schrute: Please?
Michael Scott: If I have a woman up there and things are getting amorous, she's going to get turned off if she looks in he bathroom and sees you brushing your teeth with butter and clay.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. Okay. A-ha-ha! [rips reservation out of Michael's hand] That was a test and you have failed. For this is my room. You would not share with me.
Michael Scott: I don't have a room?
Dwight K. Schrute: No, you do not.
Michael Scott: Okay. Ooh, you must pass the dungeon wisdom test.'
Dwight K. Schrute: It worked.

Quote from Michael Scott

Mr. Halpert: So, which one is Pam's grandma?
Pam: Oh, Meemaw? She's the one in the teal suit. She's the only 80 year old with no smile wrinkles.
Jim: Dad, remember, no mention of the baby, right?
Mr. Halpert: No.
Michael Scott: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's very conservative. So, mum's the word.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Mom, Dad. This is Michael Scott.
Mr. Halpert: Oh.
Michael Scott: How ya doin'?
Mr. Halpert: Hi.
Michael Scott: Nice to meet you.
Mr. Halpert: Nice to meet you.
Michael Scott: Who's doing a toast? I would like to go third. Sort of back clean up and
Jim: Michael, I thought we discussed that we would rather you not speak, like, at all. Because it's just going to be blood relatives, I think.
Michael Scott: [trying to talk without moving his lips]That is seriously going to impeed my ability to hook up with your female relatives.
Jim: Pretty sure everyone heard that.
Michael Scott: Didn't move my lips.

Quote from Oscar

Pam: Oscar, Kevin, this is my sister, Penny. She's also my maid of honor.
Oscar: Pleased to meet you.
Penny: I'm sorry, it's Kevin. I thought it was Gil?
Kevin: She thought I was your boyfriend.
Oscar: You thought I was dating this? What the hell is wrong with you?
Pam: Oscar, it was an honest mistake.
Oscar: Him? Him?
Kevin: Oscar, I would be proud to date you.

Quote from Kevin

Ryan: [to a woman sitting next to him] I was the youngest VP in the company history.
Meredith: More recently, he worked in a bowling alley. Tell her one of your funny bowling alley stories.
Ryan: Um... Also...
Andy: How did Meredith get put at the young people's table?
Kevin: She probably switched cards with someone. Like I did with Erin.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Head table, where I belong.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's just for family.
Michael Scott: Well, who's that one?
Dwight K. Schrute: Isabel Poreba. Oh, I've got stuff on her. [laughs] In 1996 her tenth grade volleyball team went 10-2.
Michael Scott: What am I supposed to do with that, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a very good record.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: They have hilarious material and they are going to totally deliver it wrong. I would kill with the brother stuff. It should be me... up there. It should be me and Pete, not Pete and Tom.

Quote from Michael Scott

Tom: Pam, you've got the greatest smile and you're body is really fine.
Pete: Smoking.
Tom: Hoping it'll make our wives take it up a notch.
Pete: A little mo' cardio.
Michael Scott: That's not appropriate.

Quote from Michael Scott

Meemaw: I want to go to bed but I can't. I can't turn that television off.
Michael Scott: Oh, okay. Well... Hook you up, there. [turns off tv]
Meemaw: Oh, thank you.
Michael Scott: You're welcome.
Meemaw: It was that horrible Charlie Rose.
Michael Scott: Oh. Isn't he terrible?

Quote from Andy

Andy: Partay. Room 639.
Kevin: Yes!
Andy: Chicks are gonna be off the hook. Guys, too, Oscar. Like Calvin Klein models.
Kevin: That sounds epic. Can we bring anything?
Andy: Nothing. Except for $40 for beer and any hot chicks you know. 'Cause that would help me deliver on some promises I made. Woo!
[aside to camera:]
Andy: No one from the office has been to a real Bernard throw down. If I was girl, I would seriously reconsider coming to this party. But don't tell anyone that I said that, 'cause I want them there.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael.
Michael Scott: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Drop this one. Abort.
Michael Scott: Why?
Dwight K. Schrute: I found twins.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Twins. [to attractive woman] I'm sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Aren't they magnificent?
Michael Scott: They're men, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I love finding a good set of twins.
Michael Scott: Something is wrong with you.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket.
Pam: What?
Andy: I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [on phone] Can you take him?
Jim: Look, I would so take him in any other circumstance, but I'm pretty certain I'm completely wasted.
Pam: Your brothers took you out drinking?
Jim: Uh...
Michael Scott: Is that Pam? Hey, have her come out! Have her come out! It would be like Coyote Ugly.
Pam: That's Michael. You're out with Michael?
Jim: And Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey-O!
Jim: Pam, it just happened.
Pam: Okay, fine. I'll take him.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Mmm! It's after midnight.
Michael and Dwight: You're married! He's married!
Dwight K. Schrute: Congratulations.
Jim: That's not how that works.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Oh my God. You're not going to be able to talk back.
Dwight K. Schrute: You'll have Pam to answer to.
Michael Scott: She'll be sitting home saying, "Jim, take the baby to the zoo cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons. And... And clip my toenails."
Dwight K. Schrute: "Jim, hey why don't you braid my hair. I want to watch TV."
Michael Scott: Now you sound like Kermit.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Are you sure this is the right way?
Pam: Nope. I, like you, have never been here before.
Andy: Well, at least slow down a little bit because every little bump in the road is major pain on... my scrotum.
Pam: Look, I'm not the one who asked you to do a split when you've never done one before.
Andy: I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job, so...
Pam: My job? My job is to get married in the morning. That's my job.
Andy: Well it's also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so... [Pam swerves the car back and forth] Ow, ow!

Quote from Andy

Andy: I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah, yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.
Pam: Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?
Andy: No. No that was real.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [folding his pants on top of the ice machine] Why don't you take a picture. It'll last longer. God. Can't I get a little privacy?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You have everything?
Isabel: Hmm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Cell phone? Charger?
Isabel: Yeah. So you sure you don't want breakfast? It's the most important meal of the day.
Dwight K. Schrute: It really is. I'm not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides, I wouldn't want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you Isabel.
Isabel: That's really sweet, Dwight. So I'll see you at the wedding?
Dwight K. Schrute: You know it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: It's about damn time. I haven't gone to the bathroom in a day and a half. Oh my God, Dwight. This room is a pit.
Dwight K. Schrute: Really? I hadn't noticed. Too busy knocking boots.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How can you eat like that?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm ravenous after a night of love making. You?
Michael Scott: Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to make a pig out of myself.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, what was she like?
Michael Scott: She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bride's side or groom's side? Or townie?
Michael Scott: She was from Europe.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Isabel was nice, but I hope she doesn't think this is going anywhere.
Michael Scott: Wait a second. You're not into her? Are you kidding me?
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Michael Scott: She's Pam's best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, please. Put a gun in my mouth.
Michael Scott: No... you're crazy.
Dwight K. Schrute: Look. She's a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. She's a bumpkin. Pass.
Michael Scott: She's- Okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of people's teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they're not scared when the dentist comes in. It- It-
Dwight K. Schrute: You should ask her out.
Michael Scott: I already have my European girlfriend.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Are you in a lot of pain?
Andy: Oh, 'cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I, um, I just have that side to me.
Erin: People say you cry all the time.
Andy: Well that's not...

Quote from Andy

Erin: If you want to sit on this. [hands Andy her wrap] I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer.
Andy: It was my scrotum. Um, and it was. Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, here we go. They asked for cash, but you know... I give them cash every week, so how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. [holds up painting] And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [to Isabel] Hey, hey. He's not sitting with me either. Where are you sitting? You need a seat buddy?
Isabel: I'm standing. I'm a bridesmaid.
Michael Scott: Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [crying] Everyone's driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy's scrotum. And my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend. Uh, this is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people?

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down she wouldn't be a good wife.
Angela: Yes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [to Pam's mom] Hey. Hi. Do you- Would you have a snack in your purse? You're a mom. I just figured you might have-
Pam's mom: Oh, yeah. [hands Michael a snack]
Michael Scott: Oh! Ew. Apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or-
Pam's mom: No.
Michael Scott: Oh... Okay. Were you saving it?
Pam's mom: Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I was just- I've had a very rough weekend.
Michael Scott: I'm sorry. Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My weekend was bad so far.
Pam's mom: Oh.
Michael Scott: I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm.
Pam's mom: Oh, that sounds awful.
Michael Scott: And... And the love of my life is dating somebody else.
Pam's mom: Oh.
Michael Scott: It is a terrible year for love.
Pam's mom: Yeah. Guess it is.
Michael Scott: I'm thinking about having my sperm frozen.

Quote from Michael Scott

Tom: Excuse me, are you Michael Scott?
Michael Scott: Um, yeah.
Tom: Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you.
Pete: Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow. That sounds hilarious. I do actually. There you go. Use it in good health.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Toby.
Toby: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'd like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour.


 Episode 603 Episode 606