Dwight K. Schrute Quotes Page 1 of 87

Quote from Dwight Christmas

Dwight K. Schrute: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.

Quote from Special Project

Dwight K. Schrute: The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man's life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, "perfect pork anus" which I don't mean.

Quote from Secret Santa

Dwight K. Schrute: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!

Quote from Office Olympics

Dwight K. Schrute: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex.

Quote from Product Recall

Dwight K. Schrute: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Quote from The Farm

Erin: Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Pam: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

Quote from Phyllis' Wedding

Dwight K. Schrute: I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Because that's the thing about bear attacks, they come when you least expect it.

Quote from Dwight's Speech

Dwight K. Schrute: No revolution is worth anything unless it can [pounds the podium] defend [pounds] itself! Some people will tell you "salesman" is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door-to-door charlatans. This is our duty to change their perception. I say, salesmen and women of the world, unite! We must never acquiesce, for it is together- Together that we prevail! We must never cede control of the motherland! For it is...
All: Together that we prevail!
[As Dwight receives a standing ovation, he repeatedly pounds the podium with his fist]

Quote from Grief Counseling

Michael Scott: Phyllis, you want to give it a shot?
Dwight K. Schrute: I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Quote from Dunder Mifflin Infinity

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm going to live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah foundation.

Quote from Trivia

Dwight K. Schrute: Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed is people. I saw an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.

Quote from After Hours

Dwight K. Schrute: Win at all costs. Don't respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America. They were farmers. And before that, hunters. And before that, time travelers. And before that, me again. At least, that's how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past.

Quote from Frame Toby

Dwight K. Schrute: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No.
I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. I have a son, he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Quote from Welcome Party

Dwight K. Schrute: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.

Quote from Dwight's Speech

Michael Scott: All right, Dwight Schrute, everyone. Good luck, that is a tough crowd.
Dwight K. Schrute: [breathing heavily, clearing throat, pounding the podium with his fists] Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? [pounds podium] Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment, as a child, when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle, [pounds] a never-ending fight! I say to you, [pounds] and you will understand, that it is a privilege to fight! [applause] We are warriors! Salesmen of Northeastern Pennsylvania, I ask you [pounds], once more rise and be worthy of this historical hour! [laughs] Yeah! Yeah!