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44Quotes from ‘Roy's Wedding’

The Office: Roy's Wedding

902. Roy's Wedding

Aired September 27, 2012

Pam and Jim are shocked by how much Roy has changed when they attend his wedding. Meanwhile, Clark convinces Erin to "audition" for a TV news role, and Dwight fights Nellie over a corporate charity program.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Afghan president Hamid Karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country. Promising low, low prices on all 2012 Kia Sentras and Sonatas. "Aren't you glad you waited?", Karzai commented.
Darryl: Um, where did you get that story?
Erin: A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didn't think I knew current events.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I never really thought much about being more than a receptionist. But, why? Because I happened to answer help wanted ad to be a receptionist? I mean, what if the ad had been for a CEO? Or for a brain surgeon?

Quote from Creed

Creed: I wanna work with, uh, Jimmy Carter and help build gnomes.

Quote from Creed

Creed: The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin, though.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: When you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Andy made me his consigliere. Which means Assistant Regional Manager. I guess he thought I'd be into The Godfather 'cause I'm black. Wrong! I'm into The Godfather 'cause I'm a cinephile. I like Scarface 'cause I'm black.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Nellie: Dwight, you will be participating.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, thank you.
Nellie: Participation is mandatory, Dwight. But you can choose whatever cause you like.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine, I chose the Global Relief Foundation.
Nellie: Great, thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Which was recently discovered to be a front for the Taliban.
Nellie: Oh, for goodness' sake, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. The Taliban in Afa-ghanistan.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I've been through several rounds of development with the team and here's where we stand with the chore wheel. We've got prizes! Ten bucks, candy bar, manager for an hour but, there are also penalties. Like, no internet, Stanley gets your lunch. The one thing that is not on the chore wheel is chores. But they were right; it's more fun this way.

Quote from Kevin

Toby: I would love to give, uh-
Kevin: Heifer's International. Listen to this. They give a poor person like, a goat or something. It's a great prank.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Nellie: Dwight, what about you?
Dwight K. Schrute: I will not be participating as there is no evidence that charity works.

Quote from Pam

Pam: The building's custodian is on vacation for the month and Dwight is too cheap to hire a replacement. So, instead, we're living in filth. But, not for long. Because I have created the chore wheel.
[later:]
Kevin: Oh, yeah! Can I spin first?
Pam: Well, it doesn't spin. We'll just move the wheel one notch each morning and... you see what chore you get that day.
Kevin: A wheel is supposed to spin.
Erin: Yeah, you know, like guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh... guh.
Pam: No, I'm familiar with spinning. It's just that wouldn't work with a chore wheel because people might get the same chore-
Andy: Bugh, boring. All she talks about is chores.
Creed: A wheel wants to spin, Pam.
Jim: Spinning would be more fun.
Pam: ‘kay.
Kevin: Okay, that's what I'm talking about! Big money, big money! Mug duty?
Pam: Yes, you clean all the mugs in the sink.
Kevin: This sucks.
Erin: Yeah, seriously, it's like everything on there is work.
Pam: I don't think you guys understand why we're doing this. It's-
Kevin: Yeah, I don't think that you understand wheels.

Quote from Pam

Pam: The tiny wheel actually does have chores. It's so cute no one seems to mind.

Quote from Pam

Jim: A banana?
Pam: Yeah. I'm afraid he's only gonna have hot dogs.
Jim: Oh, come on. Not even Roy will have hot dogs at his wedding.
Pam: Planned a wedding with him. He wanted hot dogs.

Quote from Creed

Nellie: Get excited. The special projects fairy has arrived.
Creed: I know you don't really exist.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Today, I launch my big charity initiative ‘Operation Give Back'. Andy has shot down all of my special projects thus far but, this one is about charity. So, I'd like to see him piss on that one.

Quote from Angela

Nellie: With Operation Give Back, you pick the charities Dunder-Mifflin supports.
Kevin: Oh boy! What's happening?
Nellie: There's four thousand dollars to give away. So, who has filled out their form? Stanley?
Stanley: American Diabetes Association.
Angela: Um, you have diabetes, Stanley. [to Nellie] I'm sorry, is the assignment to pick a selfish charity?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Nellie: Dwight, I cannot have the Taliban on the roster of Operation Give Back.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, it looks like there won't be any Operation Give Back. Ha, ha. The nanny state is over, ladies and gentlemen. You're welcome.

Quote from Pete

Pete: No, Clark's not my friend. He is the douche that sits next to me at the office. My friends are Scott, Glenn, and Rob. But, you don't know them.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Nellie: You support the Taliban abroad. So I assume you're willing to live by their rules here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Anything else would be inconsistent.
Nellie: Will you join me then in a pledge to live by Taliban law in this office?
Dwight K. Schrute: Absolutely, I will.
[later to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I feared Nellie had some sort of a plan but she used a ridiculous font. Huh. [in an English accent] You don't 'av a plan.

Quote from Meredith

Jim: I'm sorry. This is for a news audition?
Andy: Yeah.
Oscar: Then why are we talking about her looks? Why not her credibility? Or her reliability?
Andy: News flash everyone: the human race finds attractive people more trustworthy.
Oscar: I'm so sorry, Andy, but for twenty years, the most trusted man in America: Walter Cronkite.
Meredith: Cronkite was hot. If I could go back in time, I'd take that mustache ride.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Uh, correction, I give to a foundation that teaches homeless children nautical flag signaling. Changes lives.
Nellie: Thank you, Andy.
Andy: I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the preservation of nautical flag signaling.

Quote from Jim

Jim: We are going to Roy's wedding. Yep, Roy. I think the only weird thing about going to your wife's ex-fiancé's wedding on a weekday at eight AM is that it's your wife's ex-fiancé.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Oh, Pete, you've got mail.
Pete: Really? I got something?
Erin: Well, it's addressed to Customer Service so, it's your mail.
Clark: Well, you know, I'm also Customer Service.
Erin: Yeah, I'm alternating.
Clark: [to Erin] Wow, Newsweek, huh? This election... thing is crazy, right?
Pete: It's open.
Erin: Oh yeah, I accidentally read it. It's not a nice letter.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I started a new business with my college friend. But, Pam doesn't know. Um... Actually, I did tell Pam and we decided "no". But, then I decided "yes, anyway". So, I'm thinking there's another conversation coming. And, it's hard to know when that will be.

Quote from Roy

Jim: Thanks for inviting us, by the way.
Roy: Are you kidding?
Jim: That was- That was a surprise.
Roy: Come on. If it wasn't for you, I never would've met Laura. I mean, seriously, kinda dodged a bullet on that one. Just kidding.
Jim: You're welcome.

Quote from Roy

Jim: By the way, man, this place is beautiful.
Roy: Started a gravel company. I mean, who knew it'd take off?
Jim: Gravel company?
Roy: Yeah. What about you? What are you doing?
Jim: Not gravel, obviously. No, things are good. Things are good. Got some stuff in the works. So-

Quote from Pete

Clark: [on the phone] Duncan, listen, I would love to help you out but where am I gonna find somebody that's pretty, smart and well-informed? Huh? Hold on, hold on. [covers phone's receiver] Erin, do you know anybody that might want... [has realization] Oh my gosh. You love the news, right?
Erin: Well, it depends. I mean, sometimes I find out things that are really sad.
Clark: Well, I got a buddy that's a big time local news producer and I can't tell you his name, but it'd blow your mind.
Pete: Uh, is it Duncan?

Quote from Roy

Roy: So, uh, it was a year ago today that I met Laura. I thought she was my waitress and, uh, took her three weeks to tell me that she actually owned the place. You are full of surprises. You are my beautiful mystery girl. And, today, I have a surprise for you. [approaches piano]
Jim: He plays piano?
Pam: No. Roy? No.
Roy: You know how I said I was taking boxing lessons? Actually, I was doing this. Um, so, I hope that you like it. [sits in front of piano]
Darryl: [clapping] You got this, Roy.
[Roy begins playing and singing Billy Joel's "She's Got a Way About Her"]

Quote from Pam

Pam: We still surprise each other.
Jim: Definitely.
Pam: You know, I never did it, but for your 30th birthday I really wanted to surprise you with-
Jim: Courtside seats. Sixers.
Pam: Yes. But, what I didn't tell you is that I actually bought the tickets. We only didn't go because it was-
Jim: It was an away game.
Pam: In Phoenix. They should really tell you that more specifically. I mean, every game is an away game for one of the teams.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [in the kitchen] Oh, here's one. Did I ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement? And bought the winning numbers the next day? And then, played the tape for me the next week, and I-
Pam: And you thought you guys were millionaires.
Jim: You heard that one.
Pam: Yes. But there's, wait, oh, there's a funny ending to that story. I can't remember.
Jim: That I thought we were millionaires.
Pam: Thought you were millionaires, yeah. That's funny. Shoot, I knew that one.
Jim: That's all right.

Quote from Oscar

Angela: The senator and I still have mystery. I'm always waiting to see what he's gonna surprise me with next. [Oscar chokes on his coffee]
Jim: You all right? [Oscar nods]

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: Oh, this is a lovely pen. Ah. But, it's mine now because I stole it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Gimme that.
Nellie: Didn't you sign a contract to live under Taliban law? And now, there's been theft. That means, you're not serious or... someone's getting their hand cut off.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're insane.
Nellie: I know. So, it's better that you pick another charity.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, and let your precious Operation Power Grab proceed unchecked? No thank you.
Nellie: In that case, you... [pulls out a cleaver] will have to chop off my hand.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together just you and your hand. Tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the two hand activities that you'll miss the most.
Nellie: I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off people's hands.
Dwight K. Schrute: Sounds like a plan.

Quote from Clark

Andy: Clark, you and I need to have a little chat. What clothes does Erin need for this news audition?
Clark: Uh... A couple of button-downs, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe- No, no, not maybe, definitely open-toed. Uh, something low-cut because the camera makes everything seem higher cut.
Andy: Really?
Clark: Yeah, industry secret. You're gonna want some of those panty hose with the seam up the back.
Pete: Seems unnecessary for an audition.
Clark: And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes but I probably got one she can borrow at my place, so...
Andy: Thank god someone here knows what their talking about. I want you to take this credit card, take Erin to the mall and get that stuff.
Clark: I absolutely will do that.

Quote from Toby

Oscar: Next question for our oldie-weds-
Kevin: What's the craziest place you've ever made whoopie?
Angela: [to Kevin] Language.
Phyllis: Who was Pam's first celebrity crush?
Oscar: Pam's first celebrity crush.
Toby: [whispering] John Stamos.
Jim: Ready?
Pam: Uh-huh.
Jim: John Stamos.
Angela: Oh!
Pam: Yes. But John Stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to-
Toby: Johnny Depp.
Pam: Johnny Depp. [everyone looks at Toby]
Toby: ... Uh, uh, um, I was having this separate conversation with Kevin. Uh, Johnny Depp.
Kevin: Totally. George Clooney.

Quote from Erin

Andy: I love it. It's fantastic. Now, tag it with your name.
Erin: For Channel 11 news, I'm Erin Hannon.
Andy: Pause after 'news'.
Erin: For Channel 11 news... I'm Erin Hannon.
Andy: No, pause longer.
Darryl: That was a good one.
Andy: Pause- Pause longer. Okay? Builds suspense. Don't be shy.
Erin: Got it. For Channel 11 news...
Andy: Wha, it's-
Erin: I'm Erin Hannon.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Well, here's something you don't know. A couple of weeks ago-
Jim: Uh-huh.
Pam: I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced and he hit on me. In the mall. And I didn't tell you because, I don't know, I felt embarrassed. And, I didn't know if you would be mad or worried. But, anyway, I thought you'd want to know.
Jim: ... That didn't happen. You would've told me right away.
Pam: Yeah, I would've. What about you? Come on, there's gotta be something. Between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven't had the chance to tell me.
Jim: Uh...
Pam: Just tell me.
Jim: God, give it up, Beesley. You know me too well.

Quote from Pete

Pete: Hey, um, I knew something bothered me and I finally figured it out. What news producers are gonna want to see is how Erin relates to the other people on the news team.
Erin: Oh.
Pete: The weird thing is Erin is doing the audition alone.
Erin: Oh God.
Pete: Now, I'd say Clark could be your co-host... he's already doing camera. Someone who's already got rapport with Erin, maybe. I don't know. [Andy smiles to camera]

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: It's getting late. I thought you guys could use a little inspiration.
Nellie: [Darryl hits play] Oh, a movie. What is this?
Darryl: 127 hours. It's about this guy who-
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no. No spoilers. Please.
Darryl: My bad.

Quote from Pete

Clark: What're you doing here?
Pete: Sorry, man. Andy thought Erin needed a co-anchor. I'm his makeup guy. My hands are tied.

Quote from Erin

Erin: The victim was released from the hospital with second-degree burns.
Andy: Wow. You know what they say Erin. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Erin: Well, he tried to but the fire door was blocked.
Andy: He sure did.

Quote from Andy

Clark: All right. We got that. That's a rap, everybody.
Erin: Aw.
Andy: Just, you sure Clark?
Clark: Yep, she's done.
Andy: No, I just, I don't mean Erin. I mean for me. I didn't feel good about that.
Clark: No, we got it. We got it.
Erin: Great! Let's get some food. I'm starving.
Andy: I don't think we did get it. I could do, uh, a couple more takes. We could do it in close-up. That might even be better for editing.
Clark: OK, I don't.
Andy: All right.
Erin: I'm hungry.
Andy: Uh, Pete, you wanna take Erin to get a burger or something?
Pete: Yeah, whatever you say, boss.
Andy: Okay. [to Erin] I'll call you later.
Erin: Okay.
Andy: [to Clark] So this is a single.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Hey, even if this doesn't work out for me, I'm just glad I had the guts to do it. And, maybe it'll work out for Andy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, god.
Nellie: That is absolutely revolting!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Nellie: He is so good, though.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Nellie: The way he just cuts off his arm.
Dwight K. Schrute: If you like James Franco, we really should watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes.
Nellie: Well, he's a genius, you know? He was in graduate programs at Yale, Columbia and NYU all at the same time.
Dwight K. Schrute: Whoopty doo. That doesn't make you a genius.
Nellie: Well, it doesn't make you stupid.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, it does, actually. It makes you real stupid.
Nellie: Oh, stupid like you.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, like you.
Nellie: Like you.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're the stupid one.
Nellie: You're the stupid one.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're the stupid one.
Nellie: You're the stupid one.
Dwight K. Schrute: You, you, you, you...


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