TV Quotes

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm going to live for a very long time. My grandma Schrute lived to be 101. My grandpa Mannheim is 103, and still puttering around down in Argentina. I tried to go visit him once but my travel visa was protested by the Shoah Foundation.

Michael Scott: I declare bankruptcy!

Erin: Dwight, what a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Pam: Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.

Michael Scott: I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.

[Jim arrives for work wearing glasses, a side-parting hair cut, and a pale yellow shirt:]
Jim: It's kind of blurry. That's better. Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bears do not- What is going on? What are you doing?
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble and that's a grand total of $11.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: Michael!
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
Dwight K. Schrute: [through a megaphone] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
Dwight K. Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling bummed out?
Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut. Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
Dwight K. Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
Michael Scott: Yes. My head is in such pain and turmoil.

Jim: Laverne packs up the pie wagon at five so...
Kevin: At five? That's only twenty minutes from now. The pie shop is thirteen miles away. So at fifty five miles an hour that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Kevin: We...
Oscar: Hold on. Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the... Carry the four... And... It doesn't work.

Stanley: Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it.

Michael Scott: Okay. So, Dwight, in your own words, "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons.
I suspect Jim Halpert." "Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Yes. 5 bucks each and it was totally worth it.
Michael Scott: "This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gag. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim: [aside to camera:] That actually took a while. I had to put more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight. And then I just took them all out.
Michael Scott: "Every time I typed my name, it said diapers."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael Scott: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
Jim: [aside to camera:] Yeah. I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day, that day.