TV Quotes

Dwight K. Schrute: Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.

Michael Scott: Look, [sighs] It's a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
Phyllis: That's no pimple, Michael.
Michael Scott: You mean cancer?
Pam: What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.

Holly: [on the phone] Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael Scott: He had no arms or legs. He couldn't hear, see, or speak. This is how he led a nation.

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look, you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Andy: Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?
Michael Scott: Yeah. My last physical when I was forty.
Jim: That was like, ten years ago.
Michael Scott: No, it was like four years ago.
Kevin: Michael, you're at least forty six.
Michael Scott: Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six.

Jan: How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Doris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you.

Dwight K. Schrute: Is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it.

Andy: Who can tell me the safest form of safe sex?
Darryl: Condoms.
Andy: Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, okay? Abstinence.
Darryl: Oh, I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski!

Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they?
Carole: No.

Helene: It'll go away in time just don't touch it.
Michael Scott: Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?
Helene: What did you think we were?
Michael Scott: Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you...
Helene: I think- I think that for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.
Michael Scott: Jerk.

Jan: No! In the beginning we were not good.
Michael Scott: Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!
Jan: Well, if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong!
Michael Scott: Because we work together.
Jan: No, okay. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!
Michael Scott: Am I the princess?
Jan: No, I'm the princess, and the queen.
Michael Scott: So I'm the guy at the station?

Angela: Who's this guy by our cars?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
Phyllis: Yeah, I got stung up my dress.
Dwight K. Schrute: Poor hornet. I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets...
Andy: And if he doesn't?
Dwight K. Schrute: He'll die.
Andy: Uh, beg your pardon?
Dwight K. Schrute: When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?

Michael Scott: Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages?
Erin: [giggles] Terrific!
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.

Michael Scott: Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it.
Kevin: I know how you got it.
Michael Scott: How?
Kevin: Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes.
Michael Scott: What?

Meredith: I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.
Kevin: I never seen herpes on you.
Meredith: Because it's on my genitals, genius.
Kevin: You have a penis?

Kelly: Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?
Angela: This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.
Andy: You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat, okay? I was an R.A. in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease ... is ignorance.

Michael Scott: How did this happen, how did I get this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sometimes it can lie dormant in a woman for years. They may not even know they have it.
Michael Scott: You know what, I feel like one of those old-timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It's me own damn fault. Girl in every port.
Dwight K. Schrute: What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por...
Michael Scott: Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.

Dwight K. Schrute: You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do.
Michael Scott: There's no way I'm gonna do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then I will.

Donna: [on the phone] Hello?
Michael Scott: Hi Donna. It's Michael.
Donna: Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been?
Michael Scott: I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.
Donna: Oh no.
Michael Scott: I can't even say it. H-I...
Donna: Oh my God.
Michael Scott: ...R-P-E-E-S
Donna: Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes?
Michael Scott: No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?
Donna: Umm, no.
Michael Scott: Does your stupid husband have it?
Donna: No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested?
Michael Scott: Yes, I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!

Andy: Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?
Stanley: Not again.
Andy: What do you mean again?
Stanley: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy: Maybe like a year ago.
Stanley: Seems recent.