TV Quotes

Dwight K. Schrute: Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.

Michael Scott: Look, [sighs] It's a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
Phyllis: That's no pimple, Michael.
Michael Scott: You mean cancer?
Pam: What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.

Holly: [on the phone] Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael Scott: He had no arms or legs. He couldn't hear, see, or speak. This is how he led a nation.

Andy: Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?
Michael Scott: Yeah. My last physical when I was forty.
Jim: That was like, ten years ago.
Michael Scott: No, it was like four years ago.
Kevin: Michael, you're at least forty six.
Michael Scott: Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six.

Jan: How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Doris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you.

Dwight K. Schrute: Is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it.

Andy: Who can tell me the safest form of safe sex?
Darryl: Condoms.
Andy: Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, okay? Abstinence.
Darryl: Oh, I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski!

Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they?
Carole: No.

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice right?

Angela: Who's this guy by our cars?
Dwight K. Schrute: That is my new maintenance worker, Nate. And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of that hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
Phyllis: Yeah, I got stung up my dress.
Dwight K. Schrute: Poor hornet. I left him all the tools he needs. This is do or die. If he chooses correctly he'll conquer the hornets...
Andy: And if he doesn't?
Dwight K. Schrute: He'll die.
Andy: Uh, beg your pardon?
Dwight K. Schrute: When did the phrase do or die become so corrupted?

Michael Scott: Good morning Erin, any mustaches? I mean messages?
Erin: [giggles] Terrific!
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: There are many reasons a man would wear a fake mustache to work. [spinning in chair] He is a fan of the outrageous. He loves to surprise! He loves... other things as well.

Michael Scott: Just a cold sore, thank you. Phyllis, I don't have acne. I have a cold sore. I don't even have a cold. I don't know how I got it.
Kevin: I know how you got it.
Michael Scott: How?
Kevin: Michael come on. A cold sore is herpes.
Michael Scott: What?

Meredith: I know tons and tons of people who have herpes. I have it myself. That's what it is.
Kevin: I never seen herpes on you.
Meredith: Because it's on my genitals, genius.
Kevin: You have a penis?

Kelly: Can we please talk about how gross Meredith is?
Angela: This is what you get when you treat your body like an outhouse.
Andy: You know what guys, why don't we just chill out on this herp-chat, okay? I was an R.A. in college and I can tell you, number one sexually transmitted disease ... is ignorance.

Michael Scott: How did this happen, how did I get this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Sometimes it can lie dormant in a woman for years. They may not even know they have it.
Michael Scott: You know what, I feel like one of those old-timey sailors. With the eye patch. [in pirate voice] It's me own damn fault. Girl in every port.
Dwight K. Schrute: What port? The Jan port. The Holly Por...
Michael Scott: Don't even! Holly was clean! Okay? If anything I gave it to her.

Dwight K. Schrute: You need to contact every woman you've been with, and notify them of your herpes infestation. It's the right thing to do.
Michael Scott: There's no way I'm gonna do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Then I will.

Donna: [on the phone] Hello?
Michael Scott: Hi Donna. It's Michael.
Donna: Michael, I didn't think I'd here from you. How have you been?
Michael Scott: I have a disease, for which there is no known cure, that has been sexually transmitted to me.
Donna: Oh no.
Michael Scott: I can't even say it. H-I...
Donna: Oh my God.
Michael Scott: ...R-P-E-E-S
Donna: Wait, you're calling to tell me that you have herpes?
Michael Scott: No, I am calling to see if you gave me herpes. Because if you did I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations. So you have it right?
Donna: Umm, no.
Michael Scott: Does your stupid husband have it?
Donna: No! He doesn't. Are you telling me I have to get tested?
Michael Scott: Yes, I am telling you you have to get tested for herpes. Good-bye!

Andy: Excuse me everyone, can I have your attention please?
Stanley: Not again.
Andy: What do you mean again?
Stanley: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy: Maybe like a year ago.
Stanley: Seems recent.

Oscar: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.

Andy: Everyone, I've noticed that we have not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley: World Cup. That's what I was thinking, you kept announcing scores.
Andy: It's the world's only international sport!

Holly: [on phone] This is Holly.
Michael Scott: No, this is Holly.
Holly: No, this is Holly.
Michael Scott: No, this is Holly.
Holly: No, this is Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Busted. So what can I do for you Holly.
Holly: I am calling because, there was a terrible car accident.
Michael Scott: Oh really? Was anyone killed?
Holly: A lot of people.
Michael Scott: Any nuns?
Holly: Three nuns, [Michael laughs] from a Missionary in South Africa.
Michael Scott: Were they in the missionary position?

Andy: Anyone who's interested in entering into an honest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break.

Dwight K. Schrute: [to camera] He forgot to mention the herpes.
Michael Scott: It didn't come up organically.

Michael Scott: Am I the kind of person to misremember our relationship as something more than it ever was?
Jan: Michael Scott, you are here for a post mortem.
Michael Scott: What?
Jan: You wanna dig into our relationship, go over it, see what killed it. Okay, I'm in.

Jan: No! In the beginning we were not good.
Michael Scott: Well, there was a little bit of a learning curve in the conversation department, but between the sheets we were like Jordan and Pippin!
Jan: Well, if there's anything exciting about it it's because we both knew it was wrong!
Michael Scott: Because we work together.
Jan: No, okay. Imagine there's a princess, who falls for a guy beneath her station, and the queen doesn't like this at all. And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it so it just makes her wanna do it all the more just to get at the queen!
Michael Scott: Am I the princess?
Jan: No, I'm the princess, and the queen.
Michael Scott: So I'm the guy at the station?

Astrid: Mommy!
Jan: Assy! Awwhhh how was school?
Astrid: It was cool.
Jan: [singing] What did you learn?
Astrid: What did I learn?
Jan: You might have learned shapes, or blocks, or clocks, or colors. Or you might have learned that we're all, sisters and brothers.
Michael Scott: I have herpes.

Michael Scott: I used to think that she was the one. Or at least A the one. And if I called that one so wrong...

Andy: Herpes, like all STDS, is a consequence of sex. Can anyone else name any other consequences?
Kevin: It feels unbelievable!
Andy: [writing on board] Okay, I guess I can make a pros column. Feels...
Kevin: ...unbelievable.
Phyllis: The ability to express love physically. It's a magical thing.
Andy: Express love, magical.
Kevin: It feels amazing!
Andy: Umm, okay, is that different from feels unbelievable?
Kevin: Yes.

Creed: The feeling of pure risk.
Andy: I actually had that down in the cons column, but...
Creed: It's thrilling.
Andy: Okay, umm, I'll move that. Thrill of risk.

Erin: Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex?
Andy: Yes! Thank you! Such as?
Erin: Unplanned pregnancy.
Andy: Yes, unplanned pregnancy.
Kelly: Like Jim and Pam, say whaaat?
Kevin: Just admit that your baby was a mistake.

Pam: Hey, our baby was not a mistake. She was a surprise.
Jim: Good.
Darryl: I'm sure they don't regret having their child, let's move it to the pros.
Jim and Pam: Thank you!
Andy: Okay, unplanned pregnancy, going in the pros column.

Dwight K. Schrute: Forget it Michael! Today is about herpes.
Michael Scott: I know, I know.
Dwight K. Schrute: Who gave it to you, who has it, and who is going to pay.

Andy: Okay, in that case I will now show you how to put this condom on... using this pencil. [Stanley laughs] What?
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil Andy?
Andy: Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Meredith: Come on, give it a rest pencil dick.
Andy: I'm doing this for you Meredith!
Meredith: I didn't want you it!
Andy: Well, did you- Why- Didn't- Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now? [throws pizza box at wall] Whoa!

Helene: It'll go away in time just don't touch it.
Michael Scott: Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?
Helene: What did you think we were?
Michael Scott: Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you...
Helene: I think- I think that for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.
Michael Scott: Jerk.

Michael Scott: Carole, how are you?
Carole: I'm great! How are you?
Michael Scott: I'm great! I saw your-your sign outside. And I decided, I'm going to pull in, and maybe buy a house from her.
Carole: You didn't call my office and ask them where I was?
Michael Scott: No.
Carole: Because the receptionist told me that a man called, but he would only say that he was my ex-lover.
Michael Scott: Weird.
Carole: Yeah.
Michael Scott: He sounds like a nice guy.

Andy: I don't know, I mean people were being really mean to Meredith.
Gabe: This wasn't really about Meredith was it. You and Erin are broken up.
Andy: How is that relevant to anything?
Gabe: I asked you if it was okay if I asked her out. You said, and I quote, [Cockney accent] "My good sir! Nothing would make me happier than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand." I specifically remember it because you said it in such a weird way.
Andy: The only reason I said that is because you asked me so politely! It was very difficult for me to say no.
Gabe: I'll let this slide, but I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you.

Holly: [on answering machine] This is Holly Flax, I can't come to the phone right now but please leave a message after the sound of the tiny truck backing up. [beep]

Michael Scott: Hi, Holly it's Michael, I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said. It's just- You know? It's weird. Today, I ended up seeing a lot of women that I used to date, and in my mind they were all great. And then when I actually saw them, it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must have been a real train wreck. You know what, Holly? You're wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us. And talking to them today, I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you. I didn't joke with any of them, I joked with you. You are the only one who was actually happy to hear from me. And I don't know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up. Okay. Oh, wait, and you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye.

Dwight K. Schrute: Hola, hola. Necesito une bueno worker. Tu esporte! Come on! Que? Que?
[to camera:]
Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
Son: We don't go with that man. I've seen several men go with that man and not come back.
Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
Son: We've lost friends.
Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
Son: We don't know what he does with them.
Mexican Man: [speaking Spanish]
Son: I don't want to talk about it anymore.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg and tells them it's Canada.

Oscar: What is this about?
Michael Scott: Oscar, we once sucked face in public. As part of an office presentation to destroy the stigma about gay kissing. Do you recall?
Oscar: Yes!
Michael Scott: You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.
Oscar: What?
Michael Scott: Herpes duplex.
Dwight K. Schrute: It was probably just an ingrown mustache hair but we have to be exhaustive.
Michael Scott: I have already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.
Oscar: We were never lovers!
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm gonna need a list of every man you've ever had sex with. I'm talking train stations, men's rooms...
Michael Scott: Flower shops, fireworks celebrations...
Dwight K. Schrute: Fence with a hole in it..
Michael Scott: Moonlit gondola, carriage drive through Central Park...
Dwight K. Schrute: The woods behind the liquor store, the swamp behind the old folk's home.
Michael Scott: Electric car dealership. [Oscar gets up to leave]
Dwight K. Schrute: The democratic primaries,
Michael Scott: Oscar, think abou- Think!