TV Quotes

Dwight K. Schrute: Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that we all have an obligation to the public health to track down anyone who gives us a disease, inform them of it, and take overwhelming revenge on that person. Again, I'm no doctor. I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.

Michael Scott: Look, [sighs] It's a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
Phyllis: That's no pimple, Michael.
Michael Scott: You mean cancer?
Pam: What? No! Wait, no. Definitely not cancer.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: It's just good to stop a Michael train of thought early before it derails and destroys the entire town.

Holly: [on the phone] Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael Scott: He had no arms or legs. He couldn't hear, see, or speak. This is how he led a nation.

Darryl: We should schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chit-chat. Are you crying?
Andy: No, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: I don't know what's got you upset but my advice is stop crying.
Andy: I'm not crying, I'm just sweating.
Darryl: Look, you need to pick yourself up. Man up, alright? You will win this in the end. It's all about heart, and character. Be your best self.
Andy: Okay.
Darryl: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I have no idea what his problem is. That's just my standard advice. It's good advice, right?

Andy: Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs?
Michael Scott: Yeah. My last physical when I was forty.
Jim: That was like, ten years ago.
Michael Scott: No, it was like four years ago.
Kevin: Michael, you're at least forty six.
Michael Scott: Why at least? If you're guessing forty six just say forty six.

Jan: How do I do it? Raise my daughter, work as director of office purchasing for this hospital and release an album of Doris Day covers on my own label? If I knew I'd tell you.

Dwight K. Schrute: Is there a, an operating theater that's open to visitors? Never mind I'll find it.

Andy: Who can tell me the safest form of safe sex?
Darryl: Condoms.
Andy: Incorrect, the only true form of safe sex, okay? Abstinence.
Darryl: Oh, I didn't realize we were doing trick questions. What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski!

Dwight K. Schrute: Excuse me, someone died in the upstairs bathroom didn't they?
Carole: No.

Helene: It'll go away in time just don't touch it.
Michael Scott: Did I make more of what we had then what was really there?
Helene: What did you think we were?
Michael Scott: Just a quirky indie movie weird sort of thing, breaking all the rules. But had to end, because the summer was over. For you...
Helene: I think- I think that for you to have come here even expecting that we can have a conversation like this show's ho-how self deluded you are! Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.
Michael Scott: Jerk.