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41Quotes from ‘The Duel’

The Office: The Duel

512. The Duel

Aired January 15, 2009

Michael is worried when he's called to Corporate for a meeting with David Wallace. Before he leaves Scranton, Michael finally tells Andy the truth about Angela and Dwight.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: So listen, Michael. Your branch has been doing great lately, and your sales staff is reporting very strong numbers. Outperforming last year, in fact. And I don't know exactly how to put this, but what are you doing right?
Michael Scott: Right, what?
David: Utica, Albany, all the other branches are struggling. But your branch is reporting strong numbers. Look, you're not our most traditional guy, but clearly something you are doing is right and I need to get a sense of what that is.
Michael Scott: David, here it is. My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have, and I always will. Don't ever for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason, ever, no matter what.
No matter where or who, or who you are with or where you are going, or or where you've been. Ever. For any reason whatsoever. This is gonna sound sort of high maintenance, but could we have it, like, three degrees cooler in here? I always think better when it's cooler.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Rule 17. Don't turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season. There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn before the age of five. [singing] Learn your rules, you better learn your rules, if you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Andy still doesn't know that Angela's having an affair with Dwight. It's been 17 days. I mean, eventually he'll figure it out. When their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it's just awkward.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.

Quote from Andy

Andy: You give up?
Dwight K. Schrute: Never! Get out and face me like a man!
Andy: I am a man. I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiancee!
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing! [gibberish singing] What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Dwight K. Schrute: Last year, idiot!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: 31!
Stanley: There was a car.
Michael Scott: I was ahead of the car. 31 is my new number.
Oscar: 31 is humanly impossible.
Michael Scott: Go, Oscar. 31 is my number.
Oscar: That's impossible.
Michael Scott: Beat it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by Chief Financial Officer David Wallace. He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so... Probably bad.

Quote from Oscar

Michael Scott: Are you still having intercourse with her?
Oscar: What is wrong with you? She is engaged.
Michael Scott: Did you ever have intercourse in this office?
[Phyllis nods]
Oscar: Are you serious? Ugh. Where? Where? Where, Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: Seems like you already know where.

Quote from Kevin

Angela: Kevin, you screwed this form up again. The amount owed goes at the top.
Kevin: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing something wrong. If I had, I would've admitted it and stopped right away.
Angela: That's enough.
Kevin: Because I wouldn't want an innocent person who doesn't know anything about the form... [to Oscar] What?
Oscar: That was good. It's just at the end, you weren't saying something that could apply to the form.
Kevin: How about "I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form."
Oscar: There you go.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Andy, walk with me.
Andy: Will do, boss man.
Michael Scott: Oh. I do not have much time - car's all the way over there - to tell you what I have to tell you. And just bear in mind that when I say, say these things that are bad things that you hear in your ears, this is something that I, if I were you, that I wouldn't want to hear.
Andy: You're not making any sense.
Michael Scott: Well, no, I'm not. So I- So I'm not very articulate today, so I'll just leave it for another time. Another day.
Andy: All righty.
Michael Scott: Which shall be fine. I'm off.
Andy: Have a good meeting. Kick Wallace's ass.
Michael Scott: Okay, I will. Dwight and Angela are having an affair, so.
Andy: I can't hear you through the glass.
Michael Scott: [winds window down] Dwight and Angela are having an affair. They've been sleeping together for some time. That was the news. I wanted to let you know.
Andy: What?
Michael Scott: All right. See you later.
Andy: Are you serious?
Michael Scott: Yep!

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: I knew something bad was gonna happen today.
Oscar: You said that yesterday.
Meredith: Yeah, my neighbor got murdered.

Quote from David

David: Here's the thing. Michael is doing something right. And in this economic climate, no method of success can be ignored. It's not really a time for executives to start getting judgmental now. It's Hail Mary time.
Michael Scott: Hey, what say we order up some pasta?
David: What say we do.

Quote from Andy

Dwight K. Schrute: So what weapon?
Andy: My bare hands.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is stupid. I will use a sword, and I will cut off your bare hands.
Andy: Then I'll get something too.

Quote from Meredith

Pam: Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.
Angela: I will respect the results of the duel.
Pam: Of course you will.
Meredith: I call loser.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So I was in the office, and I look over to our accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, "Kevin? "Is that a tweed jacket?" And he looks at me and he says, "Michael, yes, it is a tweed jacket." And I look back at him and I say, "I feel the need The need for tweed."
David: It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, but I appreciate you trying. And thanks for coming in.
Michael Scott: Have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.
David: Yeah.
[Michael sits back down to eat his lunch]
David: Yeah, finish up.

Quote from Kelly

Angela: I can't believe they're gonna fight over me.
Kelly: I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: "From the desk of Andrew Bernard." A note. Pathetic. "Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It's come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested." True. "The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly."
Kelly: There's Andy. He's in his car. You guys, what is he doing?
Phyllis: Why isn't Dwight turning around?
Oscar: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win.
Dwight K. Schrute: "At last, after much consideration"-
Pam: Oh, my God!
Stanley: What's happening?
Phyllis: Andy's running over Dwight with his car.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [hitting Andy's Prius] Ooh. How much is this gonna cost? What? Trust fund'll take care of that.
Andy: What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Dwight K. Schrute: I said-
Andy: [car horn] What? You stupid idiot! You're like a sasquatch. You live in the woods.
Dwight K. Schrute: Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a sasquatch.
Andy: I don't get it. How could she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Andy: What?
Dwight K. Schrute: She's sleeping with you?
Andy: I'm her fiance.
Dwight K. Schrute: She said she was only sleeping with me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wow. What a day! I thought I was gonna get chewed out. But hold on! Here's an attaboy for you. What? Roller-coaster ride. Roller-coaster. Just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!

Quote from Pam

Pam: Angela made several 911 calls about cars going too fast in front of the building, so the police put up a radar gun. It's actually caused a bit of a traffic hazard.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Aah!
Phyllis: Wow, 13!
Michael Scott: No. No, there was wind.
Dwight K. Schrute: I was just jogging.
Michael Scott: No, there was wind. I want a do-over.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Quick announcement. New year, new candy.
Kevin: Ooh, ooh.
Pam: Okay, be careful, Kevin. They're kind of spicy.
Kevin: Hot tamales. Uh-oh.
Pam: So maybe just try one at first, and then if it's okay, have a couple more.

Quote from Angela

Angela: What is it?
Dwight K. Schrute: You've got to tell Andy about us.
Angela: That is a terrible idea. One of your worst.
Dwight K. Schrute: Get it over with. Then we don't have to hide anymore.
Angela: You're expanding on your worst idea.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you love me or not?
Angela: I've already admitted that I do. Why do you keep making me repeat it?
Dwight K. Schrute: Because you're engaged to Andy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: This is really not how this is supposed to happen.
Dwight K. Schrute: Angela said she was gonna tell him. She's just not ready.
Michael Scott: When will she be?
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know.
Michael Scott: Is she crazy in bed?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Jim: Stop. What?
Michael Scott: How so, specifically?
Dwight K. Schrute: Eager. And flexible.

Quote from Jim

Jim: This shouldn't happen at work. This shouldn't be coming from his boss. And we should also consider the fact that man has an anger issue.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: What are you standing for?
Dwight K. Schrute: If I'm sitting, I can't disable his neck or his groin.
Jim: You're not gonna do anything to his neck or his groin.
Dwight K. Schrute: If I'm sitting, I don't have the option to.
Jim: I'm in charge when Michael's gone, and I need you to sit.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: I need to talk to you.
Angela: We can talk right here.
Andy: I need to talk to you in private.
Kevin: We're not listening.

Quote from Angela

Andy: Is it true?
Angela: What have you heard?
Andy: That you're sleeping with Dwight.
Angela: That doesn't sound like me.
Andy: Is it true?
Angela: Andy, I'm engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn't want to get married? And we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake-
Andy: Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
Angela: A little bit.
Andy: How long has it been going on?
Angela: I don't know. I mean, we were together, and then he killed Sprinkles. And then we stopped, and I don't know exactly when we started up again.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Standard, you know? Nothing fancy.
Andy: So, like, missionary?
Angela: I said nothing fancy.
Andy: Do you love him?
Angela: I love you.
Andy: Why should I believe that?
Angela: Andy, we are at a crossroads here. We can either give in to what people're saying, that we're not good together-
Andy: Who says that?
Angela: Or we can prove them wrong. Let's prove them wrong.

Quote from Creed

Andy: Where's Dwight?
Jim: You okay, man?
Andy: Not at all, actually. But thanks for asking. Appreciate it. You know what, I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for lying to my face. And not telling me what's been going on this entire time.
Creed: You are welcome.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Andy.
Andy: It's over.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. She broke up with you.
Andy: No. It's over between you two.
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh, no way. I am not giving up.
Andy: You have to.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, I don't.
Andy: She doesn't love you. She's marrying me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, I don't know about that because she certainly seems to enjoy to enjoy making lovemaking with me.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Angela Bernard.
Dwight K. Schrute: Will never be her name.
Andy: It will be her name, and you will have to call her that.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't think so.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm telling you to back down.
Dwight K. Schrute: And I'm telling you I will never back down.
Andy: Then I'll make you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really? How are you gonna do that?
Andy: Through the use of force.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is very general and does not scare me in the slightest.
Andy: I will fight you.
Jim: No.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: A duel. The winner gets Angela.
Andy: Fine!
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine.
Oscar: This is nuts.
Dwight K. Schrute: What is your weapon?
Jim: Okay, that's enough because-
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey, this is none of your business.
Jim: It is my business when it happens at work.
Andy: Guess what, not happening at work. We're gonna do it outside.
Dwight K. Schrute: Outside of work. None of your business then.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
Dwight K. Schrute: I will also be taking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
Andy: What a coincidence.

Quote from Jim

Jim: So I either get more involved or I take a sick day. Leaving Dwight in charge. Oh, God.

Quote from Kevin

Meredith: Hey, has anything happened yet?
Oscar: It's 4:10. I don't think he's gonna show.
Kevin: Oh, come on, man. Believe in something.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Dwight, are your legs broken?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit.
Jim: Andy, are you all right?
Andy: Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [on the phone] Yes, hi. My last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R N-A-R-D. The one shaped like a sailboat. That's the one. Thank you.


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