Ryan: Wuphf is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Wuphf links up all your communication portals so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But, look, why tell you when I can show you. [types on his phone] I just sent myself a Wuphf. [fax machine starts printing, windows pop up on Ryan's computer with "woof" sounds]
Erin: [on phone] Ryan, you have a Wuphf on line 1.
Ryan: Thank you, Erin. Wuphf!

Michael Scott: We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions?

Jo: When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: What do we do when we find the guilty party? And if they said, "Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice!", innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said "Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah", well nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.

Jo: When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there... and they'd make a Barbie out of me.
Michael Scott: Hmm, hmm.
Jo: I hate that I sell cheap printers, I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie.
Michael Scott: You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you.
Jo: Oh honey, surely you don't want that.
Michael Scott: I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. [Jo laughs] Airplane II.

Angela: Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth!
Michael Scott: Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his "spermed" lovers.

Michael Scott: Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office.
Jo: Can you now?
Michael Scott: Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand.
Phyllis: [quietly, to Andy] Put your hand up, Norma Rae.
Andy: If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. [sings] Old Mr. Bernard, old Mr. Bernard, who have you silenced today?

Kelly: [opening door] Hey guys, sorry I'm late.
Pam: We're not going for yogurt.
Michael Scott: It's okay, she's cool. She also whistle-blew.
Kelly: Guys, I couldn't help it, it is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue.
[aside to camera:]
Kelly: Of course I'm the leak! I think I tweeted it! I can't control what I say to people, I spend the whole day talking! I mean, I video chat, I Skype, I text, I Tweet, I phone, I Woof...

Jo: Y'all no doubt know why I'm here.
Kevin: No.
Jo: Turns out our printers are famous. They're all over the news. It's an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well, actually the, the real story isn't quite as racy, but uh... let's give it a go.
Kevin: Jo, I think that I know what happened.
Jo: I'm not sure you do, teddy bear.
Kevin: Well, now I think I might not.
Jo: Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don't know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving 'em free toner, and we keep 'em, happy. But somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please.

Michael Scott: I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is.

David: I may have heard from an old client, and I may have immediately started spreading the news to other clients and potential clients, yeah. But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about Suck It. Suck it-