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40Quotes from ‘The Meeting’

The Office: The Meeting

602. The Meeting

Aired September 24, 2009

Michael wonders what's going on when David Wallace has a private meeting with Jim. Meanwhile, Dwight and Toby team up for some detective work after Darryl makes a worker's comp claim.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: And what about Jim? Do you think Jim is someone who's ready to move into a management position?
Michael Scott: Permission to speak on the record.
David: Please, do.
Michael Scott: Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and very nice. But would I put him in charge? No, I don't think so. Big Bird doesn't make the tough decisions. If I was going to put someone in charge, I would put Bert in charge. Or I would put one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria. Or Gordon, maybe.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Am I worried that Jim and David are having a meeting without me? Because we are the Three Amigos. And once in a while, one of the amigos will go off to the bathroom while the other two have a secret meeting.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I was rushing to fill an order. I put the ladder up to grab a box of three-hole from the top shelf. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground, ladder's on top of me.
Toby: And that's how you broke your ankle?
Darryl: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hmm. Interesting. How did the ladder end up on top of you if you fell off of it?
Darryl: This doesn't concern you, man. You need to walk away.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really? I'm sorry. I thought this was a free country. I didn't know we were in communist Sweden.
Darryl: If we were living in Sweden, I wouldn't have to worry about this because we'd have universal health care.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's not- Okay-
Darryl: Be quiet.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is Jim telling him? That I can't handle this job? That is bull crap. That is bull crap. Although it has been chaotic lately. Corporate shut down the Buffalo branch, which left us to absorb all of their clients. I will tell you, there has been work every day. Had to come in on a Saturday to retrieve I left my cell phone here.

Quote from Pam

Pam: We invited everyone in the office to our wedding, even though we realized most people wouldn't be able to make the drive to Niagara Falls. [quietly] Which is why we're having it in Niagara Falls. Then Michael told everyone they could have Friday and Monday off if they came. So now people have to decide if they want to come to our wedding or have to work.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: You wanted to see me?
Michael Scott: Yes, Oscar, come on in. Close the door, if you would. Thanks so much for talking to me.
Oscar: Yeah, sure.
Michael Scott: I'm going in for a procedure today.
Oscar: Is everything okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared. I'm sure everything will be fine.
Oscar: What's the procedure, if you don't mind my asking?
Michael Scott: It is a colonoscopy. In your experience, what should I be expecting in terms of sensation or emotions? Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Chaudry?
Oscar: Oh, my God.
Michael Scott: My main concern is should I have a safe word?

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Let me escort you to your desk.
Pam: Well, it's just three or four steps, but thank you.
Michael Scott: You and Jim are close, huh?
Pam: Yeah, I think the pregnancy really brought us together.

Quote from Pam

Michael Scott: Hey, what do you think he and David are talking about?
Pam: Uh, I don't know.
Michael Scott: You said good luck to Jim as he walked in.
Pam: Did I? Doesn't sound like me. I'm not very superstitious.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: If you're lying to me right now, Pam, your baby is gonna come out a liar. That's how it works. They inherit things through the breast milk.
Pam: Please don't talk about my breast milk.
Michael Scott: I just don't want you to lie to me. I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?
Pam: Yeah.
Michael Scott: I just don't want you to.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: He's lying.
Toby: He has a doctor's note.
Dwight K. Schrute: From who, Dr. J? You really need to investigate this. People don't just fall off of ladders.
Toby: Guy on my street fell off his ladder painting his house. It was on the news.
Dwight K. Schrute: Since when have you known Darryl to rush to do anything other than to come up here for birthday cake? "Y'all having birthday cake?"
Toby: That's not a very good Darryl.
Dwight K. Schrute: Please. And how many foremen do you know that pull boxes? It just doesn't add up.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Well, we did a little investigation, and Dwight had a good point. The ladder didn't reach the top shelf. I don't know if I believe it, but I am a fan of the hardboiled detective novel. "I'll punch you into mush, see?"

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wallace had to show up on the one four-month period that I'm completely overwhelmed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You know when they say it's so crazy it just might work? Well, I don't believe that. I say go for the airtight plan. And that is why I am having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside a makeshift cheese cart. It is just... elegant.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Pardonnez-moi, monsieur. I took the liberty of preparing for you a cheese platter, which I will place here on the eastern wall of the conference room.
David: Cheese platter?
Andy: Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region, a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great city of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I think you'll find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois, where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appetit.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Toby: It sounds like a EMD P40.
Dwight K. Schrute: Nah, that's a GE. The P40 is much higher pitched.
Toby: You're into trains?
Dwight K. Schrute: I have been my whole life. I'm rebuilding a turn-of-the-century steam engine in my slaughterhouse.
Toby: That's so cool.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.
Toby: Wow, I'd love to take a look at that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, it's just a run-of-the-mill slaughterhouse, but, sure, any time.
Toby: Well, you know, 'cause of the trains.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Are you sure you're okay with these new responsibilities?
Michael Scott: Look who you're talking to.
David: Just trying to figure out the best way to utilize everyone's talents.
Michael Scott: Well, I would say that my greatest talent is being the best man, woman or child to ever run this branch. Ever.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example: He handed out jell-o shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown Marathon.

Quote from Toby

Dwight K. Schrute: Now I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.
Darryl: And I'm telling them you guys sexually harassed my sister.
Dwight K. Schrute: No judge is gonna believe that.
Toby: Okay, look. We could all file complaints against each other, and just drown in a sea of paperwork. But, you know, we'll just move on with our with our lives.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that they would both file complaints with corporate, and now I got to do all this paperwork. We worked it out.

Quote from Meredith

Meredith: Niagara falls in October? Hells yeah!
Pam: Do you think that you could send in your RSVP card?
Meredith: No, I'll just tell you now. Easier.
Pam: Well, you have to choose a food option, and there's information in there about directions and lodging.
Meredith: I'll just have whatever's fanciest, unless there's ribs. I'll just get the other information the day of. I'll text you.
Pam: You're going to text me the morning of my wedding to ask for directions?
Meredith: Right.
Pam: And you will eat whatever is fanciest?
Meredith: Unless there's ribs.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: You think you can get me a rundown on the Buffalo clients by Monday?
Michael Scott: Abso- You know what? I'll do you one better. Sunday, Sunday night.
David: Okay, I will get it Monday.
Michael Scott: Hold on, big guy. I'm going to put it in the mail Sunday night. You'll get it Wednesday.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What's this about?
Jim: It's just me and David, if it's okay.
Michael Scott: It's okay with me, but he's gonna want me in there.
David: No, it's okay, Michael. We got it.
Michael Scott: All right, do you mind if I sit this out? I have so much work to do, I feel like I'm gonna blow my brains out.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Well, if he doesn't like it, you can tell that S.O.B. that he is fired. Sorry, I'm going into a meeting right now. I will. I love you too. Bye.
Jim: Who was that?
Michael Scott: Sorry about that. What'd I miss?
David: Michael, we would like to continue the rest of this meeting in private, please, if you don't mind.
Michael Scott: I do not mind. Yes, I do. No, I don't. Yes, I do. No, I don't mind. Catch you guys on the flippity-flop. Oh, this. This call waiting. [answering phone] Yeah, well you tell the mayor he just lost six votes.

Quote from Creed

Creed: They've been in there a while. Can't be good. Think they're talking about me?
Michael Scott: No, I think they're talking about me.
Creed: Yeah, that makes way more sense. Okay, thanks, boss.

Quote from Kelly

Pam: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Ugh. So jealous of your boobs.
Pam: Thank you. Um. Listen, I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to the wedding, which is totally understandable, and more than fine.
Kelly: Is Ryan going?
Pam: I don't know, he hasn't RSVPed yet.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: [to Pam] Here's the deal. I really want to go. But I'm not gonna go if Ryan doesn't go, because it's kind of a waste of time. That came out wrong. It would be awesome if you could try to get him to go because I'd really like to be there to support Jim.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What can I do for you, hoss?
Michael Scott: How are your sales doing?
Andy: How are my sales doing? Busted. My numbers are down. A little bit. It's 'cause of the economy. [Michael is silent] You're not buying it. You're good. Okay, the truth is I have been having trouble focusing lately. I'm in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with this cousin of mine. And it's a total mind f'er.
Phyllis: Again with the cousin.
Andy: Oh, I'm sorry, Phyllis. You explain this email, okay? "Hey, Andy, let's go visit grandma and then get drunk together. Ha ha."

Quote from Toby

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, worker's comp my ass!
Toby: I can't believe this. Hey you, you [bleep]! You gonna eat all that dog food yourself?

Quote from Pam

Pam: So I just wanted to confirm that you're not coming to my wedding.
Ryan: Yeah, I might stop by.
Pam: It costs about $75 per person.
Ryan: Okay, I once had a glass of cognac that cost $77.
Pam: Can you just tell me now if you're coming or not?
Ryan: Yes, I'm coming to your wedding.
Pam: Okay. [writing down] Ryan Howard, yes.
Ryan: Probably yes.
Pam: Kelly Kapoor yes.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: I thought you liked Jim.
Michael Scott: Very much. Jim is my best friend. But here's his performance report. Right here. Now, this was written by Toby. Who we all know is extremely reliable. "Constant office distraction. Spends way too much time at reception. Antagonizes other salesmen. Not at all what he thinks he is." It's not very well written, but you get the gist.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Is there anybody else could run the day-to-day of the branch?
Michael Scott: I could continue to run it myself, that's-
David: Jim had an interesting idea to help you with this extra workload. And it involved you being promoted to oversee all Northeast sales. And then Jim would be promoted to your position.
Michael Scott: This was Jim's idea? Wow. Um. Well, I'd have to talk to my mother and my guy at H&R block.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: Michael, look. I'll just be honest with you. Earlier today, I spoke with Wallace about a promotion. And I actually think that talk went really well. And then after he spoke with you, for some reason, it felt like things had changed.
Michael Scott: Huh. That's weird. That's weird. Kind of weirding me out. Did you know that Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Michael, did you say anything?
Michael Scott: Tell you what, when you leave this office, I am going to call Wallace and I am going to tell him that you should get that promotion.
Jim: Really?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim: You will?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Jim: Wanna do it right now?
Michael Scott: Yes.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I need to see your pupils. I need to see if they're dilated.
Darryl: Toby! Dwight! Is that them?
Gwenneth: Definitely.
Darryl: You come to my house, bust up my trash cans, call my baby sister an asshole and told her to eat dog food?
Dwight K. Schrute: We thought that she was you.
Darryl: Why would you think a lady is me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Are you- Are you serious? Because you look exactly alike. Am I the only one? Are you getting this?

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [answering phone] This is David.
Michael Scott: David, this is Michael Scott. Just wanted to talk to you about Jim Halpert. I understand that he did not receive that promotion. And I wanted to see what I could do to nudge you in the right direction.
David: So what? You're changing your mind about Jim?
Michael Scott: Absolutely not! Like I said before, Jim is fantastic, and he deserves this job.
David: Michael, it seems like you're cutting in and out. This is not what you said earlier.
Michael Scott: Well, here's the thing. Jim is the best man for this job. I think you should give it to him.
David: Well, it doesn't change what you showed me in Jim's file.
Michael Scott: Well... That- That was an anomaly. That file had been falsified. Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, hey, Jim. It would make me feel really good right now if you would just punch me in the face. All right? Just do it.
Jim: How many times have I asked you to put me up for a branch manager job?
Michael Scott: I never recommended you because I didn't want to lose you. And I don't want to lose Pam. Now I don't want to lose the baby.
Jim: So instead, you screwed me?
Michael Scott: That's what she said. No!

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [on speaker] Michael. You got Jim there with you?
Michael Scott: No, it's just us.
David: Actually, can you call Jim in? I want him on, please.
Michael Scott: Oh. Well, here he is right now. [knocking on wood table, creaking sound of door opening] Come in. [making footstep sounds]
Jim: Hi, David.
David: So I spoke to Alan. We had kind of an unconventional idea, which I think is pretty cool. But it only works if everyone's on board.
Michael Scott: Well, just as long as it means Jim becomes a manager.
David: We were thinking of having two branch managers in Scranton. Both of you guys working as co-managers. Jim would handle the day-to-day, and, Michael, you would focus on clients and big picture stuff.
Jim: Wow, that sounds pretty cool.
Michael Scott: I like that! So manager and co-manager.
David: Co-manager and co-manager. You see, there are a lot of moving pieces, but this is the only way I could sell it upstairs.
Michael Scott: Well, that might be a little confusing for people as they know me as manager.
David: All right, hey, Michael, can you pick up for one second? Okay, look, I'm not gonna force you into anything.
If you're willing to lose Jim, fine. You just say so. We'll find another solution. Okay. Is that what you want to do?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, people, listen up!
Michael Scott: Everybody, I have an announcement to make.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fraud was committed-
Michael Scott: You have an announcement?
Dwight K. Schrute: I was making it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Everybody, David Wallace and I have talked, and we have decided to promote Jim to the position of co-manager.
Stanley: Co-manager of what?
Michael Scott: Of your butt! And your butt, and your butt... All of Scranton branch butts.
Phyllis: What's happening to you, Michael?
Michael Scott: What's happening to me? I am also being promoted to co-manager. We will be co-managers together. Jim Halpert, welcome.
Jim: Thank you.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: [screams]

Quote from Angela

Angela: Rude.
Pam: [sitting down] So rude, right? My gosh. I have been chasing people down all day. It's incredible.
Angela: Pam, my bag was there.


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