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45Quotes from ‘Cocktails’

The Office: Cocktails

318. Cocktails

Aired February 22, 2007

Michael and Jan go public about their relationship when they attend a work party at the CFO's house. Meanwhile, Pam demands Roy join her and her colleagues at a bar after work.

Quote from Jan

Jan: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh, my God, what am I saying?

Quote from Jan

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside? I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self-fulfilling prophecy. It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic, and a little extra time after school.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason. So, let me think here. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time. Or in my work time. And did I use the word "pointless"?

Quote from Creed

Creed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff's station.

Quote from Karen

Jim: Now you stay here and have fun 'cause I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Karen: Okay. Don't mention that you and I are dating 'cause I think he might still have feelings for me.
Jim: Wallace? What the hell? Have you dated, like, every guy here? [Karen smiles at Jim] Wow. Okay. You got me.
Karen: I so got you. So none of them? Of course not. I mean you're, kind of, like, my first.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Oh, my God, it's so easy it's not even fun.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo, de facto, go to a party early, become a really good friend.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, ready. Come on, guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Jim: Another worm, like, are they friends?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's, "Early bird gets the worm."
Michael Scott: Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Michael, you go to parties all the time. Why is tonight so special? Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple for the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party, really. And that is why tonight is so special.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hey, buttercup.
Jan: Hi.
Michael Scott: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15-
Jan: All right, let's just blow this party off.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.

Quote from Jan

Jan: Am I on speakerphone?
Michael Scott: Yes, you are.
Jan: Is anybody else-
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, Jan!
Jan: Hi, Dwight. Okay, Michael, take me off speakerphone.
Michael Scott: No problem.
Jan: [still on speaker phone] Okay, let's just go to a motel and just, like, rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I've decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm gonna start telling people what I want directly. So look out world 'cause old Pammy is getting what she wants. And don't call me Pammy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just- You never know.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Guy: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: No? Then you're an idiot.

Quote from Michael Scott

Rachel: Hello, Michael.
Michael Scott: Rachel! Boy, you clean up good. The place looks great with all the lights on and everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: So Jan, glad you could make it.
Jan: Oh, of course. Of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott from the Scranton branch?
David: Of course I do. How are you, Michael?
Michael Scott: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Karen: Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight K. Schrute: Does that include the garage?
Michael Scott: Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.
David: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a common question.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: David, how much did this house cost?
Dwight K. Schrute: These old Colonials are great when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around.
Rachel: I'll show you around, sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: Cool. Let's start with the banisters.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: This was a gift from Lee lacocca. Twenty-year-old single malt Scotch.
Michael Scott: Here is to Mr. Lacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [choking]
Jan: Are you okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Do you have any ice?
David: Sure.
Michael Scott: How about some Splenda?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You and the missus should join us in Sandals, Jamaica next Christmas.
Jan: Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah. They don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non grata there. Oh, but it's fun. It is an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo. It's crazy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[As one of David and Rachel's kids awakens in his bed, Dwight is sitting in a rocking chair in the boy's bedroom.]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, good. You're up. Hey, who makes this chair?
Kid: I don't know. It was here when I was born.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hmm. I want one. It's really good, solid construction. It's comfortable. What is this, oak?
Kid: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you know?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad. But I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There's something wrong with Jan.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The chimney's in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation. So, all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jan: That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it.
Michael Scott: Okay. Fine. I love you, Jan.
Jan: Okay.
[Dwight leans forward from the back seat of the car]
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't break up, you guys. You're great together.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Magic, magic, magic. And now, Michael the Magic will attempt to escape from extreme bondage. Can he do it? I don't see how he can.
Dwight K. Schrute: I know how. He'll dislocate his shoulder and slip his arm out.
Michael Scott: No. No. Everyone, now count down with me. Three-
Jim: Sorry. Sorry, quick thing. So is it true that if you can't get out, you don't want anyone to help you?
Michael Scott: I will get out. Oh, yes. I will.
Pam: So we shouldn't help you no matter how much you might beg and plead?
Michael Scott: No. All right. Just- This is getting hot, so let's just do this, okay? Ready!
All: Three! Two! One!
Michael Scott: Go!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Pam, would you smell my breath?
Pam: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Let me smell. [Michael breathes on Dwight] Good. Not great.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jimbo, last chance, carpool.
Jim: Oh, no thanks. I think Karen and I will take my car.
Michael Scott: You sure? Might be a good idea-
Jim: Yeah.
Michael Scott: if we all went together, we could save some gas, have fun. Long trip.
Jim: Thanks.
Michael Scott: Play some games?
Jim: Not-
Michael Scott: Yeah. I Spy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: Thanks for inviting me along.
Michael Scott: Oh, sure. I really didn't give it any thought. Wait, should you be going?

Quote from Jan

Michael Scott: [on the car phone] Okay, Jan? Jan, this party is actually a very big step for us. So I-
Jan: I'm still on speaker?
Michael Scott: I- I- I don't know.
Jan: Are the cameras there?
Michael Scott: Maybe.
Jan: Okay. See you soon.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: You're dressed exactly like the servants.
Michael Scott: Shut up. Okay, change shirts with me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wait. I don't think yours will fit me.
Michael Scott: I don't care.

Quote from Kevin

Pam: Kevin, you and Stacy set a date yet?
Kevin: Yeah.
Kelly: Oh, my God. When is it?
Kevin: It's complicated. I would appreciate some space on this.

Quote from Jan

Michael Scott: What you looking for? You bring dip?
Jan: I'm sure that it's catered. I need you to sign these, Michael. It's a waiver of some of your rights. You should read it carefully. It releases the company in the event that our relationship, in your opinion or in reality, interferes with work. You get a copy, I get a copy and a third copy goes to HR.
Michael Scott: Awesome. I'm gonna frame mine. I could frame yours, too. You realize this is- This is a legal document that says you can't sue the company-
Michael Scott: Over our love.
Jan: I've never told you that I love you.
Michael Scott: You don't have to, Jan. This contract says it all.

Quote from Jan

Jan: What's this over the "I"?
Michael Scott: It's a heart.

Quote from Jan

Michael Scott: I love this woman!
Jan: Oh, God. Michael, please. Michael, please.

Quote from Karen

Guy: So did the merger go smoothly or-
Michael Scott: It did. "Like butter." Mike Myers, SNL. You should ask Karen. She was one of them.
Karen: I'm the only one left. Everybody else was either fired or quit. And there's one in anger management.

Quote from Michael Scott

Rachel: Can I get anyone anything?
Michael Scott: I could go for an appe-teaser.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, these studs are way too far apart. What's in here?
Rachel: That's a guest room.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just the one window?
Rachel: [phone rings] Oh, I must get that. You'll have to excuse me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Are those real pearls?
Rachel: Yes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Why are we- Why are we going in the bathroom? I thought this was where you liked your privacy.

Quote from David

David: [to Jim] God, I hate these parties. You wanna sneak out back and shoot some hoops? Meet me outside in two minutes.

Quote from Jim

David: What's- What's with Jan and Michael?
Jim: I don't know. Where to begin.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Our first fight. If this is about what happened in the bathroom, there was no place to cuddle-
Jan: I feel sick.
Michael Scott: You didn't have any of the potato salad, did you?
Jan: You know, we were good when we were just running around, you know? In secret. It was wrong and it was exciting, and maybe it was a mistake to take it public.
Michael Scott: Well, if that's the way you feel, my lady, then you have hurt me greatly.
Jan: Michael-
Michael Scott: Greatly.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: Please don't cry.
Michael Scott: I'm not going to cry. I feel like it, but I am not going to. Why don't you just take your stupid love contract and tear it up into a million pieces?
Jan: It was never a love contract, Michael. And besides, I have already given a copy to David. It would be just as embarrassing to get it back from him as it was handing it to him-
Michael Scott: I want the house, Jan. I want the picket fence. I want the ketchup fights and the tickling and the giggling.

Quote from Roy

Roy: Are they gonna call the cops?
Kenny: No. I paid them off.
Roy: Jet ski money?
Kenny: All of it.
Roy: I'm gonna kill Jim Halpert.


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