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‘Cocktails’ Quotes

The Office: Cocktails

318. Cocktails

Aired February 22, 2007

Michael and Jan go public about their relationship when they attend a work party at the CFO's house. Meanwhile, Pam demands Roy join her and her colleagues at a bar after work.

Quote from Jan

Jan: Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh, my God, what am I saying?

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Quote from Jan

Jan: I am taking a calculated risk. What's the upside? I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside? I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that's why so many other people in my class were kids. Self-fulfilling prophecy. It's really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic, and a little extra time after school.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Why don't I wanna go? Didn't expect to need a reason. So, let me think here. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time. Or in my work time. And did I use the word "pointless"?

Quote from Creed

Creed: I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff's station.

Quote from Karen

Jim: Now you stay here and have fun 'cause I'm going to go out back and shoot hoops with David Wallace.
Karen: Okay. Don't mention that you and I are dating 'cause I think he might still have feelings for me.
Jim: Wallace? What the hell? Have you dated, like, every guy here? [Karen smiles at Jim] Wow. Okay. You got me.
Karen: I so got you. So none of them? Of course not. I mean you're, kind of, like, my first.
Jim: Really?
Karen: Oh, my God, it's so easy it's not even fun.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo, de facto, go to a party early, become a really good friend.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I cannot tell you how I plan to escape other than by using magic. That is the magician's code. Separately on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key...

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, ready. Come on, guys. Early worm gets the worm.
Jim: Another worm, like, are they friends?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's, "Early bird gets the worm."
Michael Scott: Okay.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Michael, you go to parties all the time. Why is tonight so special? Well, tonight is so special because my boss's boss's boss, the CFO, not his initials, common mistake, is having a little shindig for all the managers in the company. And Jan and I are going as a couple for the first time. So it's kind of our coming out party, really. And that is why tonight is so special.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Hey, buttercup.
Jan: Hi.
Michael Scott: I am on my way. I should be there in about 15-
Jan: All right, let's just blow this party off.
Michael Scott: That's what she said.

Quote from Jan

Jan: Am I on speakerphone?
Michael Scott: Yes, you are.
Jan: Is anybody else-
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello, Jan!
Jan: Hi, Dwight. Okay, Michael, take me off speakerphone.
Michael Scott: No problem.
Jan: [still on speaker phone] Okay, let's just go to a motel and just, like, rip into each other like we did on that black sand beach in Jamaica.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I've decided that I'm going to be more honest. I'm gonna start telling people what I want directly. So look out world 'cause old Pammy is getting what she wants. And don't call me Pammy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It's been sitting in my car all day. Sun beating down on the mayonnaise. Just- You never know.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?
Guy: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: No? Then you're an idiot.

Quote from Michael Scott

Rachel: Hello, Michael.
Michael Scott: Rachel! Boy, you clean up good. The place looks great with all the lights on and everything. Actually looks bigger with people in it. It's weird.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: So Jan, glad you could make it.
Jan: Oh, of course. Of course, David. Do you remember Michael Scott from the Scranton branch?
David: Of course I do. How are you, Michael?
Michael Scott: Jan and I are lovers. It feels so good to finally say that out loud.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Karen: Rachel, your house is beautiful.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dwight K. Schrute: What's the square footage?
David: About 5,000.
Dwight K. Schrute: Does that include the garage?
Michael Scott: Dwight, wow. That's not appropriate.
David: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a common question.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: David, how much did this house cost?
Dwight K. Schrute: These old Colonials are great when they're sound. I'd love to take a look around.
Rachel: I'll show you around, sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: Cool. Let's start with the banisters.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: This was a gift from Lee lacocca. Twenty-year-old single malt Scotch.
Michael Scott: Here is to Mr. Lacocca and his failed experiment, the De Lorean. [choking]
Jan: Are you okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Do you have any ice?
David: Sure.
Michael Scott: How about some Splenda?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You and the missus should join us in Sandals, Jamaica next Christmas.
Jan: Michael, I think David probably wants to spend Christmas here with his family.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah. They don't allow kids at Sandals. They are persona non grata there. Oh, but it's fun. It is an awesome place. You would not believe how low this girl can limbo. It's crazy.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[As one of David and Rachel's kids awakens in his bed, Dwight is sitting in a rocking chair in the boy's bedroom.]
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, good. You're up. Hey, who makes this chair?
Kid: I don't know. It was here when I was born.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hmm. I want one. It's really good, solid construction. It's comfortable. What is this, oak?
Kid: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: What do you know?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Rachel thinks that I brought homemade potato salad. But I just picked it up at the supermarket. It's funny. I wish I could make potato salad that good. It's just potatoes and mayonnaise. There's something wrong with Jan.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The chimney's in decent shape. Not great. I found some termite damage in a crawl space and some structural flaws in the foundation. So, all in all, it was a pretty fun cocktail party.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jan: That's all. I'm just saying I didn't mean it.
Michael Scott: Okay. Fine. I love you, Jan.
Jan: Okay.
[Dwight leans forward from the back seat of the car]
Dwight K. Schrute: Don't break up, you guys. You're great together.


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