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40Quotes from ‘Shareholder Meeting’

The Office: Shareholder Meeting

611. Shareholder Meeting

Aired November 19, 2009

Michael is excited to be invited to Dunder Mifflin's annual shareholder meeting in New York, despite the dire straits in which the company finds itself.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is DMI. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, morons and idiots. Because that's what you'd have to be to own it. And, as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Woman: I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. Will you save my place?
Man: Sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. You will not.
Woman: Excuse me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I'm sorry. Were you raised in a household with no consequences?
Woman: It'll just be a second.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. If onlys and justs were candies and nuts then every day would be Erntedankfest.

Quote from Andy

Oscar: These questions are bush league.
Andy: You should get up and say something. You've got to be true to what's in there. Don't be a wuss.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway, got a 1220, always regretted it. I feel lachrymose.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yes, it is a thrill to be honored by one's company. To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say, "Wow. Great job." That is what it is all about. Not the perks. Perks? The perks. I could take or leave the perks. Limos are for people who make the company money, not lose millions and have no plan. So we're leaving early. After all, we are the only ones with anything to celebrate.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Oscar: Not again.
Dwight K. Schrute: Bow down before Recyclops.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Five years ago, corporate said we had to start a recycling program for Earth Day so Dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of his named Recyclops.
[flashback:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Happy Earth Day, everyone. I'm Recyclops. Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter?
Jim: [v.o.] The next year he really stepped things up.
[flashback:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin?
Jim: [v.o.] A year after that Recylcops really began to take shape.
[flashback:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Recylops will drown you in your over-watered lawns.
[to camera:]
Jim: Then tragedy struck Recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing... I can't remember.
[flashback:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Recyclops will have his revenge.
Jim: [to camera:] I think this was also the year he renounced Earth Day and vowed to the destroy the planet he once loved.
[flashback:]
Pam: Oh my God, you guys, look. It's Recyclops.
Dwight K. Schrute: Recyclops destroys!
Stanley: Oh, is today Recyclops Day?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Stanley: I thought you were killed by Polluticorn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Polluticorn wishes. [starts spraying the office with something]
Andy: That's aerosol spray. It's terrible for the environment.
Dwight K. Schrute: Humans are terrible for the environment.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Town cars suck. Town car is something that a company sends when they're in trouble. A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cause for celebration. And in this case I think we are celebrating me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I was hoping to lob Michael his softball question early. I wanted to swing by the garment district, pick up a few crates of my shirts. I got a shirt guy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Alan Brand is the CEO of the company, if title's important to you, has personally invited moi to go to New York to the shareholder's meeting and sit up on the stage with the board of directors. And at some point they are going to introduce me as the most successful branch manager that they have. And then Michael Scott turns and waves to the crowd... and the crowd goes wild.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. The short term problem is the company has no cash and there's no where to get it.
Michael Scott: Okay, Oscar, I don't need the whole enchilada just the bullet points.
Oscar: Those are the bullet points.
Michael Scott: Well, could you condense it please?
Oscar: That's as simple as I can make it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Michael? The limo's here for you.
Michael Scott: It's not a limo. It's a town car. Town cars are actually better, though. Better torque. Better handling.
Erin: He said limousine, so...
Kevin: Check it out, guys. There's a limo down here. Michael, look. Oh, man.
Michael Scott: They sent a limo.

Quote from Michael Scott

Dwight K. Schrute: What kind of mileage does this baby get?
Erin: It's like what high school kids take to prom on TV shows.
Oscar: This is so typical of management to spend money on this. Ugh. Bunch of boobs.
Michael Scott: Hate to break it to you Oscar but some of us like boobs.
Dwight K. Schrute: Calves. Calves all the way.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Andy: Hey, guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael Scott: Definitely.
Dwight K. Schrute: Smells like it.
Michael Scott: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That. That's bigger than my bed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: Michael, what if somebody asks you a question at this meeting? Are you just gonna wave, or what?
Michael Scott: I will have to answer.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll ask you a question.
Andy: Make it a softball. Something he can, like, crank out of the park.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael Scott, you run the most profitable branch of Dunder Mifflin. How do you do it?
Michael Scott: No, no. That's too hard. Say your name is Zamboni and then I will say, "Well, we're sort of on thin ice." I won't say that. I'll something like that.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: I'm glad. I want to introduce you to everyone. First we'll start with Alan Brand. Alan? CEO. Michael Scott, Branch manager, Scranton.
Alan: It's nice to meet you, Michael.
Michael Scott: It's nice to meet you, too. It's an honor and a privilege.
David: Seated, we have the former congressman, Chris O'Keefe.
Michael Scott: Ah. [bows] Your eminence.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: You guys ever protect the president?
Security guard: No.
Michael Scott: What about Madonna? Or Obama twins? Anybody famous?
Security guard: We're not supposed to talk about it. Nelly Furtado.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: [over booing] Believe me everyone is working very hard, working weekends, struggling, trying to right the ship.
Shareholder: You're a criminal.
Michael Scott: Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. These are not criminals. They are nice. They invited me to come here today. They invited me to their hospitality suite where I had free food and it was delicious. Get this. Know how nice they are? The sent a stretch limo all the way to pick me up in Scranton. That's -
Second Shareholder: Limousine?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Third Shareholder: You're all corrupt. You should be in jail.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, there he is. Come on in. Come on in. Gentleman, I would like you to meet Oscar. Come on in. Don't be shy. This is Oscar Martinez. Oscar, why don't you come over here. Let me present you. Step up. Step up there. Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the Scranton branch and he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky, murky situation. Take it away.
[Oscar stands in stunned silence]

Quote from Jim

Jim: I think this is really gonna help. If you could just hold up here one second. Hey, guys, just a quick announcement. If I could just have everyone's attention. I just figured you needed a place where you can concentrate and not be bothered by bothering people.
Ryan: Okay.
Jim: Let me show you what I mean. [Jim opens the closet door to reveal a work station] Your new office. How great is that, right? For a job well done. Well, not done.
Ryan: I will, uh, I will do my work right now. I will stay late tonight.
Jim: Right.
Ryan: Uh, I'm very sorry... about everything.
Jim: [laughs] You're a good kid. You know what? It gets bigger once you're in there. Enjoy it. [shuts the door and walks away]
Ryan: [o.s.] Is there internet?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Well, that was a waste of a text. Let's get down to brass tacks. I think that we might be in trouble. We don't seem to have a plan so I'm thinking I go down there. Maybe rattle off a few jokes. Congressman could follow.
O'Keefe: He's our best manager? Where's the off button on this moron?
Michael Scott: Uh, I'm not a moron. Time after time my branch leads in sales. I have personally won over 17 Dundie awards. So, I am not a moron and I am just trying to help, you know? So... you're the moron.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Alan: The gentleman in the, uh, glasses.
Dwight K. Schrute: Dwight Schrute, Scranton branch. I just want to say that I have been standing in this line all day and if this line is any indication of how this company is being run then we are in big trouble. [crowd cheers] Thank you. Right. I know. And I just want to say that I believe that there are options out there. A take a number option like they have in a deli. What about line varieties? Like an express line for quick comments of ten words or less. They can move much more efficiently. What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to.
Alan: Thank you. Thank you for your suggestions.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah.

Quote from Jim

Pam: The thing I like most about Recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child.
Jim: Mmm.
Pam: A world where you truly can be anything you want.
Jim: God bless you, Recyclops. And your cold robot heart.

Quote from Meredith

Michael Scott: Okay, okay. How 'bout this? [rises, waves, sits back down]
Pam: That's great.
Michael Scott: I want it to be better than great, Pam. How about I remain seated and I just do a little bit of a nod. Sort of a humble thing.
Pam: Sure.
Michael Scott: Nope. Then my face is down. They can't see my face.
Meredith: And it looks like you're taking a dump.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: [an announcer voice] Ladies and gentlemen from Scranton, Pennsylvania, please welcome Michael 'The Machine' Scott.
Pam: [to Michael] Don't do the twirl.
Phyllis: Lose the twirl.
Dwight K. Schrute: The twirl sucks.
Kevin: Michael, I hated the twirl.
Andy: Hate the twirl!
Michael Scott: Okay. Obviously I'm not going to do the twirl. I only did it because I nailed the wave.
Phyllis: Yeah, good. Don't do it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am not going to do the twirl. All right? It's not even a twirl, it's a spin. I might do the spin.

Quote from Michael Scott

Andy: I'm so jealous right now.
Michael Scott: Hey, you know who you should be jealous of? Yourself. Because you're invited and you're invited and you're invited and you and you and you and you and you and you-
Limo Driver: Car seats eight.
Michael Scott: What?
Limo Driver: The car seats eight.
Michael Scott: The limo seats eight. Okay. Then Jim and Pam and Ryan plus a guest.
Jim & Pam: No thanks.
Ryan: I'll use it when you're done.

Quote from Ryan

Jim: Hey, Ryan. Could you start consolidating all our Rolodex information into Outlook?
Ryan: Uh, it doesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under.
Jim: But if the company doesn't go under then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program.
Ryan: The company's probably going under, though.
Jim: Could go either way.
Ryan: Seems like it's leaning one way.
Jim: Maybe we should just wait and find out.
Ryan: Definitely.
Jim: Okay.
Ryan: So should we wait to find out before we start doing all this stuff?
Jim: Nah. Might as well do it now.

Quote from Michael Scott

Laurie: Mr. Scott?
Michael Scott: Yes.
Laurie: I'm Laurie.
Michael Scott: Oh, hi.
Laurie: Thank you for joining us. Come with me.
Michael Scott: Well, thank you and, and please call- Continue to call me Mr. Scott.

Quote from Michael Scott

David: Michael.
Michael Scott: Hello.
David: So glad you could make it.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
David: How was the ride?
Michael Scott: Oh. It was awesome. Very, very sublime.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Can you believe this? The money they spent on this convention hall. Excuse me, miss. I just want to take the stupid board of directors by their necks. This is so simple.
Andy: Yeah. Well, you should do that. Get in line.
Oscar: Oh, what a great idea and lose my job. No thank you.
Andy: Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during the- America's biggest financial crisis?
Dwight K. Schrute: How is he going to have grandkids?

Quote from Michael Scott

Alan: Dunder Mifflin is still a strong company. We are poised to come through this more streamlined and profitable than ever. [boos from the crowd]
Michael Scott: [to David] This is not as much fun as I thought it would be.
David: It was fun when we weren't on the brink of bankruptcy.
Michael Scott: [into his microphone] We're going bankrupt, you think? [crowd jeers] They are really angry.

Quote from Michael Scott

Alan: And we're confident there are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch manager.
Dwight K. Schrute: [applauds loudly] Yes!
Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [scattered applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [applause]

Quote from Phyllis

Jim: Hey, Phyllis. Are you just getting back from lunch now?
Phyllis: Bob took me to Capello's. We got a little tipsy.
Jim: Okay. You shouldn't be telling me that stuff and also shouldn't be taking two hour lunches without telling me.
Phyllis: Oh, it's okay. Michael doesn't really care about these things.
Jim: I care about them and I'm just as much of a boss as Michael. [Stanley chuckles] What's so funny? I'm a co-manager.
Stanley: That doesn't make you a boss.
Phyllis: It's not like you can fire people or anything.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Okay. Who else has heard the rumor that I am not as much in charge as Michael? [everyone raises their hands, including Pam]
Pam: Stuff gets around. I don't participate.
Jim: Who here heard it from Ryan?
Kevin: Does an email count?
Jim: Yes.
Kevin: Yeah. [everyone raises hands again]
Jim: I am just as much of a boss as Michael and I can do anything that Michael can do. All right, who here believes that I have as much power as Michael? [Pam, after a moment, is the only one who raises her hand]
[aside to camera:]
Pam: I forgot I have to support him no matter what. Close one.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Do you love her or do you love the idea of her?
Creed: I don't know, man. I just don't know.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I gotta make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?
Pam: Can you actually fire people?
Jim: To be honest, I don't know, but maybe I could just yell at him in front of people.
Pam: Well, I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone.
Jim: Oh, I yell. You've heard me yell.
Pam: Oh, okay. I've heard you exclaim. Like the time you said, 'Hey, look. We parked over here!'
Jim: Well, that was apple-picking day and there's no need to yell that day, you know. I was just excited to find the car. Perfect end to a perfect day.
Pam: Well, you'll figure it out.

Quote from Michael Scott

Alan: Okay. We're gonna take a 15 minute break and then we're gonna answer more questions.
Fourth Shareholder: You haven't said anything yet and we're headed for bankruptcy.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. We'll be back with some answers. I- Okay. I know that you're mad at me and you're mad at all them -
Fourth Shareholder: How are you gonna fix the company?
Michael Scott: Okay. Alright. We are gonna- We're gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan. We're gonna come back with a plan for you. It's a 45 day plan. 45 days to get us back on track. 45 points. It's a 45 day/45 point. One point per day. We get the 45 points we are back in business. And you can take that to the bank. And Limo Lady, we are going completely carbon neutral. I love you, New York! [To rancorous applause, Michael does the spin, leads the stage and then runs back across] You. You.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey, Ryan. How's it going?
Ryan: [playing Tetris on his computer] Here's the thing. Um, I've tried it like five different ways in my head and- Oh, got one. Um, I'm such a perfectionist...
Jim: Mmm-hmm.
Ryan: That I'd kinda rather not do it all then do a crappy version.
Jim: Simple data entry, though. So there's really only one way to do it.
Ryan: Sounds like you have a really specific vision for it. Do you wanna maybe just take a whack at it?
Jim: You know what?
Ryan: What?
Jim: I think I know the problem.
Ryan: Great.
Jim: I think you seem distracted.
Ryan: Yep, that is a problem.
Jim: But, you know what? I came up with something and I think it's really gonna help.
Ryan: Well, I'm glad you're finally being proactive, Jim.
Jim: I am, too. Let me show you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Alan: You were supposed to wave.
Michael Scott: I did wave. I did a lot more than wave.
David: What are we supposed to tell them now? Okay? You've dug us quite a hole.
Michael Scott: We tell them the plan, right?
David: There is no plan.
Michael Scott: Here's what we're gonna do. The 45 day thing that I outlined, we go with that. Day 45, company saved. Day 44, go! What do we got? We have 15 minutes.
O'Keefe: Excuse me?
Michael Scott: Just whatever comes to mind. Shout it out.
O'Keefe: Who the hell is this guy?
Michael Scott: I am the guy who roused that crowd.
David: Yes.
Michael Scott: Got them on their feet.
David: Yes.
Michael Scott: They were so happy down there.
David: Yes.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay. All right. Well, I know a guy. This Mexican guy. He is a math whiz. He knows economics as well as he knows bull fighting and I am going to call in a little favor.
David: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't call anybody, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, I'm texting him, so.
David: Please do not text anybody, now, Michael.
Michael Scott: It's done.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Ummm...
Michael Scott: Tell them what you told me. This is genius.
Oscar: Okay.
Michael Scott: Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and... This is all-
Oscar: Um..
Michael Scott: It's all good. It's all good stuff. Lay it on them.
Oscar: I feel, as does Mr. Scott, that we are in the best of hands. Capable hands.
Michael Scott: That wasn't what you were saying to me. He was much more articulate and that was better. Much better.
Oscar: I think this has gone very well and I thank you.
Michael Scott: Okay. Oh... hey, hey. What are you doing?
Oscar: Michael, I didn't ask to come up here.
Michael Scott: Wow, man. That-
Oscar: What?
Michael Scott: That was embarrassing.
Oscar: For me.
Michael Scott: For me, too. You embarrassed me.


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