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‘Traveling Salesmen / The Return’ Quotes

The Office: Traveling Salesmen / The Return

313. Traveling Salesmen / The Return

Aired January 11, 2007

When Michael teams the sales staff up and sends them out to make calls, Andy tries to ingratiate himself with Michael and knock Dwight off as competition. After Dwight helps Angela avert a big problem at the office, he quits rather reveal his relationship with Angela.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: For your convenience, I've broken it down into three parts. Professional resume, athletic and special skills resume and Dwight Schrute trivia.

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Quote from Andy

Andy: Five of us transferred from Stamford. There's two of us left. Me and Karen. It's like we're touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what? I'm not falling in a chocolate river.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair. And today, that dream was shattered.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: How would I describe myself? Three words. Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer. Merciless, insatiable.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Seriously, are you gonna sit in the back?
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh. Yeah. It's the safest part of a car. In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I have left Dunder Mifflin after many record-breaking years, and I'm officially on the job market and it's very exciting. I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. There's nothing on my horizon except everything. Everything is on my horizon. [Dwight is wearing a Staples uniform] I got this job to make some money while I continue my employment search. And it's fine for the time being. [watch beeps] Break's over.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: All right, everybody, circle up! Here we go. You know what this is? This is The Amazing Race. And you guys are retired Marines, and you guys are the mother-daughter, and you guys are the gay couple, and we are the firefighter heroes. Are we ready to go?
Karen: Wait. Amazing Race, like, the biggest sale wins?
Michael Scott: No. We're just gonna rush out, do the sales thing and come back.
Ryan: Is there a prize?
Michael Scott: Just bragging rights.
Phyllis: Then how is this Amazing Race?
Michael Scott: It's just- It's Amazing Race, Phyllis, okay? We're in teams of two and we're on a mission. All right. So, on your mark. Get set. Go. Let's do it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: After you, sir.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, thank you. I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of 10 attacks are from the rear.
Jim: Okay. Well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, but it'll be easier to stop. I can always block the blow. Or I can counter it-
[Jim slaps Dwight's face]

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Customer: Well, I appreciate what you guys are saying, but it makes more fiscal sense to go with one of the big guys.
Dwight K. Schrute: Sure.
Jim: That's true. We can't compete with their prices. But let me ask you something. How important to you is customer service?
Customer: Very.
Telephone: Please keep holding. Your call is very important to us.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's one of the big guys. Been on hold this whole time.
Jim: And this is Dunder Mifflin. [dialing]
Kelly: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin customer service. This is Kelly.
Jim: Hey, Kelly, it's Jim.
Kelly: Oh, my God! Jim! How are you? I wanted to tell you-
Dwight K. Schrute: Here's my card. It's got my cell number, my pager number, my home number and my other pager number. I never take vacations. I never get sick. And I don't celebrate any major holidays.
Customer: All right. I get it. We got a deal.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: May I have your attention, please? This will only take a moment of your time. "Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown. I will meet my new challenges head on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It's been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon. But remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall." In other words, I'm quitting, so...

Quote from Jim

Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe, you win.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Paris: Really coming down out there. The commute's gonna be hell.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have snow tires and chains, plus exceptional hand-eye coordination.
Paris: So, where were you working before this?
Dwight K. Schrute: Dunder Mifflin.
Paris: What kind of company is that?
Dwight K. Schrute: [laughing] Paper company. We're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.
Paris: I never heard of them.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, really? Have you heard of paper?
Paris: It's gonna be like that, huh?
[aside to camera:]
Paris: I don't like him, his giant head, or his beady, little eyes. That's all I got to say on the matter.

Quote from Andy

Andy: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training. Anger management, technically, but still, management material. This whole thing's supposed to take ten weeks. I expect to be done in five. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles. So don't worry about old Andy Bernard. I'll be back. Just like Rambo.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, now going by seniority. Phyllis, our resident senior.
Phyllis: We're the same age.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Dwight and I used to go on sales calls all the time. In fact, I have a picture to remember that time. Oh, young Jim. There's just so much I need to warn you about and yet, tragically, I cannot.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dwight betrayed me once before. So this is his strike two. You know what they say? "Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice, strike three."

Quote from Andy

Andy: [sobbing] I'm so sorry, man. I really screwed that up. I really-
Michael Scott: No. Don't worry about it.
Andy: I really Schruted it.
Michael Scott: What?
Andy: I Schruted it. It's just this thing people say around your office all the time. Like when you screw something up in a really irreversible way, you Schruted it. I don't know where it comes from, though. You think it comes from Dwight Schrute?
Michael: I don't know. Who knows how words are formed.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: It takes a big man to admit his mistake and that's what I did. The important thing is, I learned something. I don't want somebody sucking up to me because they think I'm going to help their career. I want them sucking up to me because they genuinely love me.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: I know that you went to corporate this morning. And I know that you lied about it. And given our history, I need you to tell me right now exactly what you were doing this morning.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, I cannot tell you what I was doing there. But you have to trust me. I would never do anything to hurt you or this company.
Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I want you to think about your future at this company. I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's what she said.
Michael Scott: Don't- Don't you dare.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Angela.
Angela: What?
Kevin: That was a voicemail that corporate left last night. They did not get our tax forms. Did you send them?
Angela: They arrived this morning.
Kevin: Are you sure? It is a big deal if-
Angela: Is it a big deal? Is it, Kevin?
Kevin: Do you really not know? Because it is a big deal.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: Okay. Here is the dream team. [Phyllis blows her nose] My sales dream team. Today we are going to team up for sales calls. Andy, since this was your idea, you get to pick first.
Andy: Well, let me think about this for a minute. Oh, I don't know. Michael Scott? PhD. Doctor of sales.
Michael Scott: Well, I appreciate that. That's very gracious of you.
Andy: Well, it is very gracious of you to accept.
Michael Scott: Well, thank you, sir.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah?
Michael Scott: Here you go.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah! You want shirts on hangers?
Michael Scott: Please.
Andy: [to Michael] He does your laundry?
Michael Scott: Long story.

Quote from Andy

Andy: In order to take down Dwight, I have to chip away at his ally. In this case, Michael. And here's the good news. Every success I've ever had in my job or with the lady folk has come from my ability to slowly and painfully wear someone down.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What's the deal with Dwight doing your laundry?
Michael Scott: That is a long story. A couple of months ago, Dwight tried to go behind my back with Jan and get my job. And I am now having him do my laundry as punishment.
Andy: Wow. That is a long story, but quite well told, Michael. I find it very interesting. Especially the part about Dwight going behind your back and basically being, like, a terrible person. You know, if you want your laundry done right, I used to work at Abercrombie, so... Pretty good folder.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: You know what? Let's get right down to it. Dunder Mifflin may be just two rooms and a warehouse, but what we lack in flash, we will make up for with hard work and decency.
Andy: Okay, this is the classic undersell. Because you should know we don't work out of a log cabin. We trade on the New York Stock Exchange. Ever heard of it? It's in New York.

Quote from Andy

Richard Corey: I have to say I'm a little wary of getting involved with a big company. We've had some problems in the past.
Michael Scott: And I think what Andy is trying to express is that while we have the resources of a large company, we will give you the care and attention of a small company.
Andy: Man, that is like poetry. I swear.
Michael Scott: No.
Andy: This guy could sell paper to a tree stump.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Yeah, I did a watercolor of Francis Willard Elementary School for a contest they were having. They were calling with the results. And I won. I won. My painting won! So I'd like to thank my mom for always encouraging me. And I'd like to thank my dad for buying me my first set of art pencils. And I'd like to thank the sixth-grade class that picked me.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Hey, Angela, I got good news today, too. I won an art contest.
Angela: That's great, Pam. I like having these little moments with you. You know what? Sprinkles recently had kittens. I would like to offer you the dominant male. His name is Ash.
Pam: Oh. Hmm. I don't think so. But thanks. My building manager is- You understand.
Angela: Well then, have a nice day.

Quote from Andy

Michael Scott: Hey, boss. Got a minute?
Michael Scott: Yes, Andy.
Andy: I forget. Why did Dwight say he was late this morning?
Michael Scott: He didn't say.
Andy: That's weird. Because I was just walking past his desk and I saw this, which is a toll booth receipt from New York City, stamped really early this morning. So... Why would Dwight go to New York without telling anyone? You think he went to see Jan? That's not like him, is it? Someone told me a story about this- With like laundry and betrayal. Did you betray Dwight and try to steal his job or something?
Michael Scott: No. You are remembering it wrong.

Quote from Jan

Jan: [on the phone] Dwight's name is on the security sign-in sheet, but I don't know who he met with. And where it asks to state your business, he wrote, "Beeswax Not Yours Incorporated."
Michael Scott: I knew it.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Hey. We nailed the sale.
Michael Scott: Where were you this morning?
Dwight K. Schrute: I overslept. Damn rooster didn't crow.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: It's gonna be okay.
Angela: How's it gonna be okay, Dwight? Everyone will know our business.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, that's not the worst thing in the world. I'll just stand up in front of the office and reveal our true love. It won't be that bad. Look at Kelly and Ryan.
Angela: I hate those two people more than anything in the entire world.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Dwight will be missed. Not by me so much, but he will be missed.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Dwight from sales was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[Jim and Karen approach the building door as Dwight is heading out, holding only his bobblehead]
Jim: Hey, man.
[Dwight hugs Jim, then silently walks away]
Karen: What happened on your sales call?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Manager: You sell those two printers this morning? Nice work.
Dwight K. Schrute: Child's play. Give me something hard to sell.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Wow, what is wrong with this thing? It looks terrible.
Pam: Do you want me to ask the night cleaning crew if they stopped watering it?
Michael Scott: Yeah. Oh, you know what? Ask them about the toys on my desk, too.
[flashback to Dwight arranging the toys on Michael's desk, then watering the office plant]
Michael Scott: They always used to arrange the toys on my desk in a very pleasing way. It used to brighten my morning.
Pam: Oh, that wasn't the night crew. That was Dwight.
Michael Scott: Really? That was very nice of him. We need more attitude like that around this office.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Love that Andy, right? Solid fellow. Seems smart enough. Likes me a lot. A lot? Too much. Like a crazy person a little. Not super crazy, just- There's something about him that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. He's always up in my biznezz, which is Ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me. I don't understand how someone can have so little self-awareness. [Michael is hiding from Andy behind a door]

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: I really have no preference. We don't even have to have a party.
Michael Scott: No, hey. Hey, don't be ridiculous. Of course we're going to have a party. The celebration of Oscar. Oscar night. And I wanted to be Oscar specific.
Oscar: Michael-
Michael Scott: No. No, I mean, not because you're gay. Your gayness does not define you. Your Mexicanness is what defines you to me. And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity. So, Phyllis, I want you to go find firecrackers and a Chihuahua. Pam, in the frozen food section, Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Oscar: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office, Michael? Would that be good?
Michael Scott: Ah. A burro.
Oscar: Of course, if Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Need any help?
Customer: Oh, no, thank you. I'm just looking.
Dwight K. Schrute: Great. I will literally be standing right here if you need anything at all.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Hey, guys. How's the workload? All of Dwight's old accounts. Handling it okay?
Phyllis: Sort of. He had a lot of clients.
Michael Scott: Yes, he did. Have any of you talked to Dwight?
Stanley: Oh, sure, we talk all the time.
Michael Scott: Really?
Stanley: No.
Michael Scott: Don't do that. It's not nice.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What's going on?
Jim: What're you talking about?
Andy: Where is my freaking phone?
Jim: You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
Andy: You know what? Maybe you're in the ceiling.
Jim: Okay.
Andy: I don't trust you, Phyllis.

Quote from Angela

Angela: I wanted to let you know that Dwight was late that morning because he had to drive to New York to drop off the quarterly tax forms that I forgot to send.
Michael Scott: Why would Dwight do that for you. I think I know why. Because Dwight loves this company. Do you think that anyone else out there would've driven to corporate for you?
Angela: None of them. Especially not Andy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hey.
Michael Scott: What's up?
Dwight K. Schrute: Same old.
Michael Scott: It takes a big man to admit his mistake, and I am that big man. Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, my God, she told you?
Michael Scott: Yes, she did. And, Dwight, if you were willing to do something like that for some random co-worker, then clearly, I misjudged you from the beginning. And I apologize.
Dwight K. Schrute: Accepted.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: How's this place treating you?
Dwight K. Schrute: My boss isn't funny. I don't get to wear my ties.
Michael Scott: No. Sure.
Dwight K. Schrute: So-
Michael Scott: So maybe you should come back. You should come back. Please.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't wanna do your laundry anymore.
Michael Scott: We can talk about that.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Hey.
Karen: Do you still have feelings for her?
Jim: Yes.


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