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‘The Incentive’ Quotes

The Office: The Incentive

802. The Incentive

Aired September 29, 2011

When Robert tasks Andy with increasing sales at the Scranton branch, he struggles to find ways to motivate his employees.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: Hey, so this isn't matching up with this and I'm not sure which one's right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?
Kevin: Yes. Me do.
Jim: Alright.
[later:]
Jim: Hey, Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?
Kevin: Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.
Pam: Kevin, do you feel okay?
Kevin: Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.
Pam: Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.
Jim: Yeah, alright. Kev, why don't you come with us?
Oscar: No, guys.
Angela: No, he's fine.
Oscar: He's fine.
Angela: He's always been like that.
Pam: No, he hasn't.
Angela: I mean, he's gotten worse over the years....
Oscar: He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A fun-house image of our model of Kevin.
Kevin: You keep think that.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say "car no go", and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?

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Quote from Kevin

Andy: Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Kevin: Thank.
Andy: Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we're talking about is... basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use... but need need for talk talk.
Kevin: But save time. More success.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: Does it save time though? ‘Cause we've been here for about an hour.
Kevin: No me fault.
Pam: Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time.
Kevin: Many small time make big time.
Andy: What are you gonna do with all this time?
Kevin: See world.
Pam: Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.
Jim: Kevin, are you saying "See the world"? or "Sea World?"
Kevin: See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
Jim: No, see? Right there, that's the problem with your method. ‘Cause I still don't know if you're saying "Sea World" or "see the world," and it's taking a lot of time to explain it.
Kevin: Fine, fine. I'll talk normally.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: When me President, they see. They see.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet, the Pyramid. [holds up a triangle-shaped tablet computer]
Phyllis: Ooh, why is it shaped like that?
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you can tell your clients: "Unleash the power of the pyramid."
Pam: It's huge. How much does it weigh?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no, no, no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it's barely three pounds.
Ryan: How much memory does it have without the booster?
Dwight K. Schrute: Fifty L.
Ryan: I'm sorry," L"?
Jim: How many L to a K?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're really going to want the booster.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Take a look at where you are. Where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at its birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?
Phyllis: Wait. They're terrified?
Robert: Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want, I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them, "You are welcome." [Applause] Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.
Andy: You got it.
Robert: Double.
Andy: Done.
Robert: I'm not kidding.
Andy: Neither am I. It's already done. [chuckling] I'm just kidding, it's going to take some time.
Robert: Double.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Dwight, anything?
Dwight K. Schrute: We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they're out of the house.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him. There's something about an underdog that really inspires... the unexceptional.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [on the phone] Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of '95. Hey there, um, I'm a huge fan of your management book, "Management". Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here. "De-Incentivizing". What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale. Uh, why? Well, um I guess you could say I'm in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. [laughs]

Quote from Andy

Andy: Let's ink... my stink!
[aside to camera:]
Andy: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? [To Oscar] What do you think, C-SPAN?
Oscar: ..."C-SPAN"?
Andy: Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [To Oscar] Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better.
Andy: Are you factoring in... the whole national economy... declining and all that?
Robert: Andy, do you know why I chose you?
Andy: I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor... vanilla?
Robert: Vanilla? No, no, no, no. You'll never guess in a million, billion years, you'll never guess.

Quote from Erin

Robert: [As Erin holds an overflowing coffee cup] You can just put it down.
Erin: Oh.
Robert: [after taking a standing sip from the coffee cup] That is very cold.
Erin: Yeah. It's old.
Robert: Why would I...?
Erin: I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said "coffee".

Quote from Robert

Robert: You like her.
Andy: I do.
Robert: She likes you.
Andy: You know, we've both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we're in this weird dance-
Robert: I'm afraid you've lost my interest.

Quote from Kevin

Robert: If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here? [Kevin raises his hand] Ah?
Kevin: This is where we go.
Robert: [chuckling] You'd go someplace else. That's not it. That's not the answer.
Kevin: It's a answer.
Robert: It's a wrong answer.
Kevin: There are no wrong answers.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: D-Bone. There you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie. Lick the spoon?
Andy: No, that's okay. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about...
Dwight K. Schrute: Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.
Andy: I know, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: Right?
Andy: Yeah. Um, how is everything?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. Really really good.
Andy: Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Oof. What are you gonna do about that?
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know, what do you mean?
Andy: There's gotta be some way you can double your beet sales...
Dwight K. Schrute: You wanted the job. The job is yours. Just do the job! [licks brownie batter off his finger] And I'll do mine. Walnuts?
Kevin: No!

Quote from Meredith

Ryan: Uh, is that a vibrator?
Andy: Twenty points.
Meredith: [quickly jumping in] How does one get a point?

Quote from Andy

Andy: I've outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear.
Kelly: Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.
Andy: There's lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt.
Stanley: How ‘bout you want us to work harder, pay us more.
Andy: I can't.
Kelly: This point system is really insulting.
Andy: Oh, I didn't mean to offend you, and I hope you'll forgive me because I am very, very... Sari. Sixteen points.
Kelly: That's a tablecloth.

Quote from Andy

Jim: What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?
Andy: That's a crazy amount of points.
Jim: But, what if?
Andy: Well, what do you want?
Jim: I don't know, for such a crazy number I'd like something pretty crazy.
Andy: Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. [laughter]
Jim: That's pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?
Andy: I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. [laughter] Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard!

Quote from Stanley

Andy: T-bag bone...
Jim: Andrew.
Andy: Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
Jim: No, I haven't noticed anything.
Andy: Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.
Stanley: [on the phone] You've got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Obviously, you can go the ass tattoo route. And obviously, I'm gonna like it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: It's a Nard Dog! [group cheers] That's my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!
Jim: Pull up your pants.


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