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39Quotes from ‘The Incentive’

The Office: The Incentive

802. The Incentive

Aired September 29, 2011

When Robert tasks Andy with increasing sales at the Scranton branch, he struggles to find ways to motivate his employees.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: Hey, so this isn't matching up with this and I'm not sure which one's right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?
Kevin: Yes. Me do.
Jim: Alright.
[later:]
Jim: Hey, Kev, what were you saying before about the paperwork?
Kevin: Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.
Pam: Kevin, do you feel okay?
Kevin: Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.
Pam: Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.
Jim: Yeah, alright. Kev, why don't you come with us?
Oscar: No, guys.
Angela: No, he's fine.
Oscar: He's fine.
Angela: He's always been like that.
Pam: No, he hasn't.
Angela: I mean, he's gotten worse over the years....
Oscar: He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A fun-house image of our model of Kevin.
Kevin: You keep think that.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: Me mechanic not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say "car no go", and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?

Quote from Kevin

Andy: Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Kevin: Thank.
Andy: Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we're talking about is... basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use... but need need for talk talk.
Kevin: But save time. More success.

Quote from Kevin

Jim: Does it save time though? ‘Cause we've been here for about an hour.
Kevin: No me fault.
Pam: Kevin, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time.
Kevin: Many small time make big time.
Andy: What are you gonna do with all this time?
Kevin: See world.
Pam: Kevin, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.
Jim: Kevin, are you saying "See the world"? or "Sea World?"
Kevin: See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.
Jim: No, see? Right there, that's the problem with your method. ‘Cause I still don't know if you're saying "Sea World" or "see the world," and it's taking a lot of time to explain it.
Kevin: Fine, fine. I'll talk normally.
[aside to camera:]
Kevin: When me President, they see. They see.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: This week we are rolling out the brand new Sabre tablet, the Pyramid. [holds up a triangle-shaped tablet computer]
Phyllis: Ooh, why is it shaped like that?
Dwight K. Schrute: So, you can tell your clients: "Unleash the power of the pyramid."
Pam: It's huge. How much does it weigh?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, no, no, no. Without the battery pack and optional memory booster, it's barely three pounds.
Ryan: How much memory does it have without the booster?
Dwight K. Schrute: Fifty L.
Ryan: I'm sorry," L"?
Jim: How many L to a K?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're really going to want the booster.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Take a look at where you are. Where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at its birth. Those superstores are terrified of us. Anybody know why?
Phyllis: Wait. They're terrified?
Robert: Let me tell you how I buy something these days. I know what I want, I go on the internet, I get the best price. Or I don't know what I want and I go to a small store that can help me. The era of personal service is back. You are back. You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them, "You are welcome." [Applause] Andrew, I chose you for a reason. Lead these people. Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen. Last quarter we saw 4% growth. Double it.
Andy: You got it.
Robert: Double.
Andy: Done.
Robert: I'm not kidding.
Andy: Neither am I. It's already done. [chuckling] I'm just kidding, it's going to take some time.
Robert: Double.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Dwight, anything?
Dwight K. Schrute: We could talk about how fast children grow up, and before you know it they're out of the house.

Quote from Robert

Robert: Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he's all surface, uncomplicated. What you see is what you get. Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him. There's something about an underdog that really inspires... the unexceptional.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [on the phone] Hi, Professor Frank, Andy Bernard, class of '95. Hey there, um, I'm a huge fan of your management book, "Management". Um, quick question. I may be missing a chapter here. "De-Incentivizing". What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale. Uh, why? Well, um I guess you could say I'm in one of those classic ass tattoo incentive situations. [laughs]

Quote from Andy

Andy: Let's ink... my stink!
[aside to camera:]
Andy: My heart belongs to music. But my ass belongs to these people.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties and tie clips. Which combo do you think Robert is going to like more? [To Oscar] What do you think, C-SPAN?
Oscar: ..."C-SPAN"?
Andy: Yeah. C-SPAN, cocker spaniel. Spaniel because of your Spanish bloodline and cocker cause...

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [To Oscar] Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.

Quote from Robert

Robert: I was looking over your projections, and I think we can do better.
Andy: Are you factoring in... the whole national economy... declining and all that?
Robert: Andy, do you know why I chose you?
Andy: I think I can sum it up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor... vanilla?
Robert: Vanilla? No, no, no, no. You'll never guess in a million, billion years, you'll never guess.

Quote from Erin

Robert: [As Erin holds an overflowing coffee cup] You can just put it down.
Erin: Oh.
Robert: [after taking a standing sip from the coffee cup] That is very cold.
Erin: Yeah. It's old.
Robert: Why would I...?
Erin: I asked if you wanted a cold beverage and you said "coffee".

Quote from Robert

Robert: You like her.
Andy: I do.
Robert: She likes you.
Andy: You know, we've both been into each other at different times and just never really synced up. Now we're in this weird dance-
Robert: I'm afraid you've lost my interest.

Quote from Kevin

Robert: If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here? [Kevin raises his hand] Ah?
Kevin: This is where we go.
Robert: [chuckling] You'd go someplace else. That's not it. That's not the answer.
Kevin: It's a answer.
Robert: It's a wrong answer.
Kevin: There are no wrong answers.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: D-Bone. There you are.
Dwight K. Schrute: Let me guess, somebody needs a brownie. Lick the spoon?
Andy: No, that's okay. Just, I want, I wanted to ask you about...
Dwight K. Schrute: Is this about the profits? Because if it is I just don't see the point. It's so Wall Street.
Andy: I know, right?
Dwight K. Schrute: Right?
Andy: Yeah. Um, how is everything?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good. Really really good.
Andy: Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, it is. And beets are not immune. We made some inroads in salads, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Oof. What are you gonna do about that?
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know, what do you mean?
Andy: There's gotta be some way you can double your beet sales...
Dwight K. Schrute: You wanted the job. The job is yours. Just do the job! [licks brownie batter off his finger] And I'll do mine. Walnuts?
Kevin: No!

Quote from Meredith

Ryan: Uh, is that a vibrator?
Andy: Twenty points.
Meredith: [quickly jumping in] How does one get a point?

Quote from Andy

Andy: I've outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders, but basically you do your job better, you get points. So, collect fifteen points and redeem them for this polar bear.
Kelly: Why is it all kid stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.
Andy: There's lots of stuff. John Irving, collected works, Twenty-two points. Or, you can pool your points and redeem fifty-five for this maternity shirt.
Stanley: How ‘bout you want us to work harder, pay us more.
Andy: I can't.
Kelly: This point system is really insulting.
Andy: Oh, I didn't mean to offend you, and I hope you'll forgive me because I am very, very... Sari. Sixteen points.
Kelly: That's a tablecloth.

Quote from Andy

Jim: What if we went all the way up to five hundred points?
Andy: That's a crazy amount of points.
Jim: But, what if?
Andy: Well, what do you want?
Jim: I don't know, for such a crazy number I'd like something pretty crazy.
Andy: Alright. For five hundred points, I will wear a dress to work. [laughter]
Jim: That's pretty good. What about uh, for a thousand points?
Andy: I'll run naked through the parking lot with a donut on my ding-dong. [laughter] Yeah? You like that? Alright! For five thousand points, I will let you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard!

Quote from Stanley

Andy: T-bag bone...
Jim: Andrew.
Andy: Have you noticed a little bit of a mood shift around here?
Jim: No, I haven't noticed anything.
Andy: Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years and this is nap time. Open eye nap time. He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down. Now look at him.
Stanley: [on the phone] You've got to unleash the power of the Pyramid!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Obviously, you can go the ass tattoo route. And obviously, I'm gonna like it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: It's a Nard Dog! [group cheers] That's my nickity-name! I love it, I love it!
Jim: Pull up your pants.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Here's how I'm going to help out from now on. I'm going to not care, and I'm going to sit around quietly waiting for Andy's inevitable demise.

Quote from Kevin

Darryl: It's okay, E-Dog. Just who called?
Erin: Justine. She said she's coming by later.
Jim: Your ex-wife?
Kevin: Wait, I thought she was a [beep] and you [beep] hated her guts?
Darryl: No, no, no, no. I like her.
Kevin: Well, I'm just quoting you. I would never say that about her. I don't know the woman.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can't tell you what I did with my ex wife last night... I have to sing it. [singing] We took a shower. We were naked. We ska dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you're here?
Robert: I'd love some coffee.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What's up, guys? Just thought we'd have a little rap session, talk about business, see how things are going? [clears throat]
Jim: Why don't you start?
Andy: If no one else wants to? I was just thinking about Robert. Man, what a boss. Just throws down goals, you know? Anyway, how's the sales doubling project going?
Phyllis: Yeah, how are we supposed to do that? We can't just press a magic button.
Andy: Of course not. There's no magic button. You have to summon that.
Stanley: If we could just double our sales, we already would have. You're not making any sense.
Jim: He brings up two good points. Do you have any new leads? Any new territories you want us to look into? Maybe have an in with a big client that we can get our foot in the door?
Andy: [silence]

Quote from Jim

Andy: You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box. If we did have something, what would it look like? What would it be? Tuna.
Jim: New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door.
Andy: Fart. Good sesh. [gets up] That leg's asleep.

Quote from Kevin

Justine: Hello. I'm looking for Darryl Philbin?
Kevin: Don't! Oh, you must think... I'm not. I'm using the fax. This isn't- No, wait. I'm not supposed to represent the company. Right? There's usually an Erin here.
Justine: Ok?
Kevin: So, Darryl! A girl!

Quote from Angela

Angela: Have you seen this?
Pam: Parenting? Yeah. This is Cece's favorite magazine. She loves the pictures of babies.
Jim: She looks at it when she's on the potty, and she makes the faces.
Angela: Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue?
Pam: I flipped through it.
Angela: So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you're pregnant?
Pam: Of course.
Jim: We know that.
Pam: Yeah.
Angela: I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk. Would you like to join me?
Pam: That sounds nice.
Angela: Great.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Thanks for coming in guys.
Phyllis: You don't have to thank us for coming in. It's our job.
Andy: Well, I never got thanked for coming into a meeting and I always wanted to be so I'm gonna thank people.
Meredith: What's with the blanket?
Andy: This is what's under the blanket.
Oscar: We don't get it.
Andy: These are incentives. It's how we're gonna double growth. Now, you're probably all asking yourselves: "Well, how does this work?"
Pam: Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points, and then we redeem those points for prizes.
Andy: You're exactly right and you get a point.
Pam: Oh.

Quote from Jim

Andy: You think it has something to do with that incentive program?
Jim: Oh, one hundred percent. We all want to see you tattoo your ass.
Andy: Bah. I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
Jim: Nah, you definitely weren't kidding. And that came across loud and clear. Oh, by the way, I want to hand this in.
Andy: Hundred and twenty points?
Jim: Yeah. Big sale. Don't worry about it though, I don't really care about the points. I would like a point receipt though.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Ready! [shows a clown vommitting with the text:] "I'm not as think as you drunk I am!" [applause]
Ryan: I like it, I like it!
Pam: [a red warning stamp reading:] "Do not resuscitate".

Quote from Pam

Pam: We were hoping you could do something like this...
Tattoo Artist: So, coming out of his butt is a...
Pam: Baby.
Tattoo Artist: Baby.
Pam: Yes.
Tattoo Artist: Yeah, no problem.
Andy: We should think about this. Does anyone have any better ideas?
Stanley: I like what we have.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Gettin' psyched up?
Andy: Yeah.
Jim: Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this.
Andy: Tunes, what am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? Confession, I don't know what I'm doing.
Jim: I mean, do you like it? You having fun? [Andy snorts] Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun. And you did that.
Andy: My ass is only so big, I mean I can't do this everyday.
Jim: But I think it's big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea. Which, by the way, I can't wait for.
Andy: No one expects me to go through with this, right?
Jim: Absolutely not.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Do your worst!
Tattoo Artist: Uh, you can keep your pants on, actually. Just drop ‘em down a bit, that'd be great.
Andy: They are already off, my good sir.
Tattoo Artist: I'd really prefer they not be down.
Andy: Well, I think down's better. Sweating pretty heavily down there.

Quote from Andy

Pam: Do you think you could work from this? We made some small adjustments.
Tattoo Artist: Okay, you want me to-
Pam: Just a few adjustments
Tattoo Artist: Alright, let's begin.
Andy: This is where I grin and be-YOW OW!
Tattoo Artist: That was just the cotton swab.
Andy: Invest in softer cotton, sir. [tattooing begins] Ow! Oh! Oh-oh! [Crowd cheers]

Quote from Angela

Pam: Um, what should we talk about?
Angela: Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having.
Pam: Oh yeah, sure. Um, I hope I can help.
Angela: A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don't know if I should call social services about it.
Pam: Angela, that's pretty transparently me.
Angela: Maybe.
Pam: You know it's just herbal tea.
Angela: In mugs with trace amounts of coffee!
Pam: Yeah. I think you should call social services.
Angela: I already did.
Pam: You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancies and not pretend like we're in this together.
Angela: Fine.
Pam: Fine.


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