Pam: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.
Erin: Di- Did you say vampire?
Pam: Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow]
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [to camera] 'cause of the Euro.

Dwight K. Schrute: The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.

Pam: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick. And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. They will cost you your life.
Jim: Elaborate.
Dwight K. Schrute: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...
Pam: I'm not- I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Jim: So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I would welcome it.
Jim: [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome.

Michael Scott: No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month.

Phyllis: Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you?
Michael Scott: Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them.
Phyllis: Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts?
Michael Scott: Tell them that I'm in a meeting.

Michael Scott: [in a mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over.
Pam: Oh, Michael, this is just for family.
Michael Scott: But I'm the Godfather.
Jim: It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather.
Michael Scott: Are you talking to me?

Girl: My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family?
Andy: What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?

Ryan: For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?
Kelly: Try "Jesus."
Dwight K. Schrute: Opus dei.

Andy: Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol' litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids.

Girl: This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip.
Phyllis: [chuckling] Who takes a kid to Mexico?
Stanley: I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are.