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46Quotes from ‘Christening’

The Office: Christening

707. Christening

Aired November 4, 2010

When the whole office attends Jim and Pam's christening for Cece, Michael is impressed by the sense of community at the church and decides to join a group of youths on a mission to Mexico.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.
Erin: Di-Did you say vampire?
Pam: Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow]
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [to camera] 'cause of the Euro.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick. And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. They will cost you your life.
Jim: Elaborate.
Dwight K. Schrute: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...
Pam: I'm not- I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Jim: So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I would welcome it.
Jim: [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you?
Michael Scott: Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them.
Phyllis: Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts?
Michael Scott: Tell them that I'm in a meeting.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [in a mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over.
Pam: Oh, Michael, this is just for family.
Michael Scott: But I'm the Godfather.
Jim: It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather.
Michael Scott: Are you talking to me?

Quote from Andy

Girl: My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family?
Andy: What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?
Kelly: Try "Jesus."
Dwight K. Schrute: Opus dei.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol' litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids.

Quote from Stanley

Girl: This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip.
Phyllis: [chuckling] Who takes a kid to Mexico?
Stanley: I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they've discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat.
Kelly: I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.
Michael Scott: That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what-
Jim: Stop.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [handing out cards to the churchgoers] For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.
Pam: Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I'm so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you're not Cece's godfather.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Pam: I'm sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott: [normal voice] I'm not the godfather.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pastor: Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It's as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That's great, because, you know, the paper industry's not gonna last forever.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Well, this is intimate.
Pam: We just had to add a few more tables. We weren't expecting this many people.
Angela: You don't know them all?
Pam: Nope, and we're gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed 'em all.
Angela: Jesus is not your caterer. [baby voice to Cece] But he should be your caterer 'cause you're a little angel. Why didn't your parents get you a caterer? [normal voice] They don't think.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?
Michael Scott: You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch.
Kevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on cell phone] Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold.
Michael Scott: Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? Stop it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll call you back.

Quote from Toby

Toby: [in church] Why you always got to be so mean to me?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening?
Andy: Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese?
Michael Scott: Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday.
Andy: And the Christmas party.
Michael Scott: And Cinco de Mayo.
Andy: Nah, no. We'll be back before that.
Michael Scott: No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church?
Michael Scott: Is anyone still at the church?
Erin: No, actually most of them went to go see a movie.
Michael Scott: What? Shut up.
Erin: Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith's minivan.
Michael Scott: It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Cece's getting christened today.
Jim: Big day.
Pam: Everyone from work is here. We weren't planning on that.
Jim: Nope.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Top of the Sunday morning to you.
Andy: And a top of the day to you too, sir.
Ryan: Hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses.
Michael Scott: Oh, yes. Doobie-doobie doo.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I invited everyone in the office because it's not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our- All of ours joys.

Quote from Toby

Toby: Sunday church service? It's been a few years. The Big Guy and I, we got some catching up to do.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I don't even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that's not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out.

Quote from Ryan

Pastor: You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto, in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico.
Ryan: [to Michael] I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes.

Quote from Jim

Pastor: Before we go, I'd like to remind everyone that the "Halberts" have been kind enough to host a reception next door immediately following the service.
Jim: Mmm. No. Wrong on both counts.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Okay, "A," Halbert. And, "B," I think a more appropriate statement would be, "The 'Halberts' are hosting an intimate reception for their invited guests."

Quote from Pam

Pam: [to Cece] Hm. Don't listen to her. She's just jealous 'cause she doesn't get to come home to someone as cute as you.
Jim: Huh, you think she is jealous about having a baby?
Pam: I don't know. I'm just hungry.
Jim: Okay, well, you know what? Everybody's hungry. Sorry. I think I'm just hungry.

Quote from Ryan

Girl: Excuse me, everyone, on behalf of the youth ministry that's leaving for Mexico, I just wanted to thank our hosts and tell you about those good-looking guys and gals over there. [loud applause]
Ryan: [whispering] Teach for America girls are way hotter, but they're nuts.

Quote from Jim

Woman: [holds up empty serving dish] What was this? You're out of it.
Jim: Scones.
Woman: I didn't get one.
Pam: Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't get one either.
Woman: Is it just the one jug of apple cider?
Pam: Who the heck was that?
Jim: I think that was Sconesy Cider, noted baptism reception critic.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Look at that. Look at that. That's fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let's go help Africa. Let's go build an airport. We'll start small. We'll have a car wash. We'll send some cheerleaders to regionals.
Stanley: We could feed the hungry. Us.
Oscar: Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time.
Michael Scott: Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene.

Quote from Ryan

Michael Scott: Okay, we don't have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together.
Darryl: We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this?
Michael Scott: Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party.
Phyllis: Church isn't a party, Michael.
Michael Scott: Well, it's, it's-
Ryan: Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Oh, hey, Meemaw, would you watch Cece for a second? Don't worry. She's asleep. I'm just gonna track down some more chairs.
Meemaw: Fine, fine. I guess I'll watch Suzanne's purse and your baby.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount?
Michael Scott: No, you may not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Gah!

Quote from Andy

Erin: I think it's really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Andy: [looking at Erin] Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming!
[later, to camera while on the bus:]
Andy: I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick.
Guy: We're actually building them a school.
Andy: Whatever. I won't- I won't stand for it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Girl: If the whole world were like you guys, we wouldn't have so many problems.
Michael Scott: Mmm. That's not gonna happen.
Andy: We're one in a million.
Girl: I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months.
Michael Scott: Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So...
Andy: Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh, gonna need a contact lens case, some sunscreen, some sandals...

Quote from Jim

Jim: Uh, MeeMaw, where's Cece?
Meemaw: I don't know. I lost the purse too.
Jim: Okay.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Good-bye, Lackawana County.
Michael Scott: How long till we get to Mexico?
Andy: Well, two days minus how long we've been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What?
Andy: I don't know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or...
Michael Scott: Why aren't they building it themselves?
Andy: They don't know how.
Michael Scott: Do we know how? I don't know how. You know how?

Quote from Jim

Jim: Uh, everyone? Everyone, can I just have your attention? Has anyone seen a small-[pointing to Angela] Stop that tiny blonde woman! She stole my baby!
Angela: [to Kevin, who is trying to tackle her] What are you doing?
Kevin: Give me the baby!
Angela: What? Kevin!
Helene: Hi, honey. I was just changing the baby.
Jim: [baby voice] Hi.
Pam: Honey.
Jim: [to Cece] Hi. [to everyone] All right. Travel safe, Angela.
Angela: Did you think I stole your baby?
Jim: What's that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don't, because I've got my eye on you.

Quote from Angela

Kevin: [gasping as he looks into Angela's purse] Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby?
Angela: Someone put them in my bag.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I didn't sign up for this. You guys are young, that's great. You want to give back to society. I've done that. I need to take.
Girl: You have plenty left to give. You're doing a great-
Michael Scott: Blah-di-blah!
Andy: It doesn't matter.
Michael Scott: We could go back and forth all day. It's not gonna solve anything.
Andy: If we went to Mexico, we'd probably screw everything up anyway.
Michael Scott: Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don't. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay?
Andy: Stop the bus!
Michael and Andy: [shouting and clapping] Stop the bus! Stop the bus!
Guy: Okay, stop the dang bus.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We'll keep an eye on America for you.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Get in quick.
Michael Scott: Why quick?
Erin: So it's faster.


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