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‘Christening’ Quotes

The Office: Christening

707. Christening

Aired November 4, 2010

When the whole office attends Jim and Pam's christening for Cece, Michael is impressed by the sense of community at the church and decides to join a group of youths on a mission to Mexico.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.
Erin: Di- Did you say vampire?
Pam: Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow]
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [to camera] 'cause of the Euro.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick. And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. They will cost you your life.
Jim: Elaborate.
Dwight K. Schrute: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...
Pam: I'm not- I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Jim: So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I would welcome it.
Jim: [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month.

Quote from Michael Scott

Phyllis: Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you?
Michael Scott: Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them.
Phyllis: Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts?
Michael Scott: Tell them that I'm in a meeting.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: [in a mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over.
Pam: Oh, Michael, this is just for family.
Michael Scott: But I'm the Godfather.
Jim: It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather.
Michael Scott: Are you talking to me?

Quote from Andy

Girl: My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family?
Andy: What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless?
Kelly: Try "Jesus."
Dwight K. Schrute: Opus dei.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol' litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids.

Quote from Stanley

Girl: This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip.
Phyllis: [chuckling] Who takes a kid to Mexico?
Stanley: I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they've discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat.
Kelly: I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat.
Michael Scott: That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what-
Jim: Stop.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [handing out cards to the churchgoers] For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head.
Pam: Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I'm so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you're not Cece's godfather.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Pam: I'm sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott: [normal voice] I'm not the godfather.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pastor: Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance?
Dwight K. Schrute: Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It's as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That's great, because, you know, the paper industry's not gonna last forever.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people.

Quote from Angela

Angela: Well, this is intimate.
Pam: We just had to add a few more tables. We weren't expecting this many people.
Angela: You don't know them all?
Pam: Nope, and we're gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed 'em all.
Angela: Jesus is not your caterer. [baby voice to Cece] But he should be your caterer 'cause you're a little angel. Why didn't your parents get you a caterer? [normal voice] They don't think.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?
Michael Scott: You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch.
Kevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [on cell phone] Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold.
Michael Scott: Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts.
Michael Scott: Are you kidding me? Stop it.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll call you back.

Quote from Toby

Toby: [in church] Why you always got to be so mean to me?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening?
Andy: Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese?
Michael Scott: Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday.
Andy: And the Christmas party.
Michael Scott: And Cinco de Mayo.
Andy: Nah, no. We'll be back before that.
Michael Scott: No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums.

Quote from Michael Scott

Erin: Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church?
Michael Scott: Is anyone still at the church?
Erin: No, actually most of them went to go see a movie.
Michael Scott: What? Shut up.
Erin: Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith's minivan.
Michael Scott: It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies.


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