TV Quotes

Ryan: You a big William Hung fan?
Todd: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

Pam: Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
Todd: Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. Okay. The apology's just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place Nipples.
Pam: I think it's called Nibbles.
Todd: Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh?

Todd: Hi, all.
Phyllis: Why are you here, Todd?
Todd: Okay. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
Kevin: Packer, we accept.
Todd: Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. [to Phyllis] Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, [points to Clark] this kid in a few years.

Barry: Dad, hurry, it's almost kickoff! [sighs] Maybe I should have tried out.
Bill Lewis: Probably for the best. I've had a headache for 36 years.
Vic: Oh, [scoffs] that's nothin'. I can turn this foot all the way around like an owl's head.
Bill Lewis: I got hit so hard on a crossing route, I was legally dead for 3 minutes.
Vic: Try 5. I saw my granny on a cloud. She told me to rub some dirt on it and then go block somebody.
Bill Lewis: I took a helmet to the stomach so hard, I no longer have a belly button.
Vic: I don't have any toes.
Bill Lewis: This isn't baldness. I got the hair tackled right off of my head. [Vic gasps]
Barry: Why do they let anyone play this game?
Bill Lewis: 'Cause it's the best.
Vic: So many good memories. I love it.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] In that moment, my dad would ask a question that would change the course of history.
Murray: What's that?
John Calabasas: That, my friend, is the Bitter. It's Austrian. So very rare.
Murray: Kind of looks like a Ferrari. I really loved those as a kid.
Beverly: Come on, Murray. For once in your life, just treat yourself.
Bill Lewis: And what a treat! Hey, Mur! Individual seat heaters! You know what they call that? "The marriage saver." Maybe if I had these bun toasters, I'd still be married. [laughs] Who am I kidding? We had separate bedrooms, only said hi in the hallway. But come on! Ah, [bleep] it]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Even though my mom treated my dad to a new Bitter, it just made him more bitter than ever.
Murray: I mean it, Bevy. I'm returning that damn car. The last thing I need is the Ferrari of Austria.
Bill Lewis: Sure you do. Those people make a quality product. They gave us the boomerang and Crocodile Dundee.
Beverly: It's Austria, not Australia. My God. Just let me handle this, okay?