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‘Goodbye, Toby’ Quotes

The Office: Goodbye, Toby

418. Goodbye, Toby

Aired May 15, 2008

On Toby's last day, Michael meets the new H.R. representative, Holly Flax. Meanwhile, Phyllis is put in charge of organizing a big send-off for Toby, and Ryan's career takes a dive in New York.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering cell phone] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute. Hello?
Jim: [on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello? Hello?
Jim: Yes, we do have that. Hold on one second.
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim, what are you doing?
Jim: And how many would you like?
Dwight K. Schrute: Hang that up right now.
Jim: Absolutely. I can get that out to you immediately.
Dwight K. Schrute: This man is an imposter. Don't do business with him, this is not Dwight Schrute.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Dwight left his cell phone on his desk. So, naturally, I paired it to my headset.

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Quote from Creed

Creed: The pleasure is all mine.
Holly: Oh, thanks. I'm really looking forward to sitting down with you and finding out more about what you do here.
Creed: Any time.
Holly: What do you do here?
Creed: Excuse me.
[aside to camera:]
Creed: What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. What do I do? Really, what do I do here? I should have written it down. "Qua" something. Qua Quar Quibo Qual Quir Quabity. Quabity assuance. No. No, no, no, no. But I'm getting close.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Well, this is what happened. Ryan's big project was the web site, which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as office sales, and once as web site sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest track suit and get my hair done. And then be, like, "Hi, Ryan." And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, "Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Holly is sweet and simple. Like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I'm pretty sure she's baked on a professional level.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: My whole life, I have known two things. I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand. But now, I think it might be one or the other.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan?
Pam: Absolutely.
Jim: Right to voice mail. Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voice mail because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, fine, I'll just let it go to voice mail.
Jim: [on headset] Hello, this is Dwight.
Pam: Hey, is this Dwight?
Jim: Yes, it is.
Pam: Oh, my goodness, you sound sexy.
Jim: Oh, thank you. I've been working out.
Dwight K. Schrute: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You're talking to Jim.
Pam: Dwight?
Dwight K. Schrute: No! Pam, I'm over here.
Pam: I'm confused.
Dwight K. Schrute: Disconnect that right now. You give me your earpiece.
Jim: I can't do that. Unsanitary.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Argh. You know what, fine. I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone. Done.
Jim: [answering his office phone] This is Dwight.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Oh. And I forwarded his desk phone to mine.
[back:]
Jim: Oh, hello, mater. Good news, I've married. Tell fater. [hangs up] Such a nice woman.
[Dwight smashes his cell phone against the table.]

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against human resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider, though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like E.T. Is Holly our extraterrestrial? Maybe. Or maybe she's just an awesome woman from this planet.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: So, I have no idea how you- How you sit like that.
Holly: Yoga.
Michael Scott: [as Yoda] Sit on floor and put together chair we will. [chuckling] Yoda.
Holly: [as Yoda] Pass curvy metal piece you will.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What the hell's going on here?!
Dwight K. Schrute: Nothing you need to know the details of.
Michael Scott: There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, there's not.
Michael Scott: Why did you do that?
Dwight K. Schrute: It was playful hazing.
Michael Scott: No, there's no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now. And maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you'll see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years! She is the best. Take care of that, all right?

Quote from Michael Scott

Toby: Wow. Thanks, Michael. I didn't expect-
Michael Scott: Can I just say that of all the idiots in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend.

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: So are you in town this weekend? 'Cause I'm not- I'm not- I'm not gonna be in town. I'm going out of town.
Holly: Oh. So you can't make my orgy? Kidding.
Michael Scott: Kidding. Acting!
Holly: Acting!
Michael Scott: Acting!
Holly: Lovitz.
Michael Scott: Yeah.

Quote from Holly

Holly: Cool. You drive your own car?
Kevin: Yup, this is my car. Do you drive your own car?
Holly: Yep, just like you.
Kevin: Okay, bye.
Holly: Bye. Kevin, I'm really proud of you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Today is Toby Flenderson's last day. I couldn't sleep last night. I came in extra early. So much energy. There are certain days that you know you'll remember the rest of your life. And I just have a feeling that today is one of those days.

Quote from Holly

Michael Scott: Kevin. [answering cell phone] Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy.
Kevin: Yeah, Michael, I'm at Gerrity's. You have to come down here.
Michael Scott: Just pay for it and we'll reimburse you when you get back.
Kevin: No, I brought my money. There's something that you need to see.
Michael Scott: What is it?
Kevin: Just hurry. [Michael hangs up]
Holly: Is he okay?
Michael Scott: Yeah, he's at the supermarket. He needs me.
Holly: Well, the party, driving to the supermarket. It was a big day for him.
Michael Scott: Yeah, that's true.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: First thing on the agenda. Actually, the only thing on the agenda is that status of Toby's going away party.
Angela: We have a buttercream cake and a slide show of Toby. But so far we only have two pictures of him.
Michael Scott: Okay, well, this will not do. Toby is going away forever, and we need to do something very, very special. In some cultures, when somebody leaves, like New Orleans culture, they have a parade, and they have a band. And people party in the streets.
Pam: Do you mean leaves as in dies? You want us to throw Toby a New Orleans funeral?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Every year, my sweet, sweet grandmother sends me a check on my birthday for $50. And lately she has been sending me, like, nine or ten checks a year. As Nana starts to... But I knew I should be saving it for something. I just didn't know what I should be saving it for. And then I had an awakening. Michael, buy a motorcycle. So I put the money in my shoe, and then I forgot about it until now.

Quote from Pam

Pam: I wouldn't go if things weren't so solid with Jim. And down the road, if we have a family, I couldn't go then either. So the timing's perfect. And that is the first time I've ever used the word "perfect" in here.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Michael Scott: Toby's replacement. Ugh. Wow.
Dwight K. Schrute: So what do we know about her?
Michael Scott: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. Oh, strike one. I hate her already.
Dwight K. Schrute: I hate her too.
Michael Scott: Why do you hate her?
Dwight K. Schrute: Because she stinks with her ways and her head. [sighs]
Michael Scott: You know, Dwight, sometimes- I don't know, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight K. Schrute: Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael Scott: Yeah, it would. Just have a thought. Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.

Quote from Holly

Toby: Michael Scott, this is Holly.
Holly: Hi.
Michael Scott: Hi, yeah, right. Okay, well, they hired a female Toby. Good for the world. Thank you, god, for creating two of you. Here's how things work here. My job is to make the office fun, your job is to make the office lame. And we have an eternal struggle, you and I. And only one of us can be the winner. Spoiler alert I'm gonna win.
Holly: Man, someone doesn't like H.R.
Michael Scott: Yeah.
Holly: What did you do to him?
Toby: Nothing.
Michael Scott: No, he tortured me with his awfulness.
Holly: Yeah, I know what you mean. I nearly fell asleep when he gave me a tour of the files. Well, look, I'll let you get back to work, but I really look forward to working with you, Mr. Scott.

Quote from Holly

Holly: Hi.
Kevin: Hi.
Holly: What do you do?
Kevin: I do the numbers.
Holly: Oh, good for you.
Kevin: Do you want an M&M?
Holly: Oh, no, that is so sweet. But thank you, though.
Kevin: Yeah, I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.
Holly: Well, that is a very safe place for them.
Kevin: Yeah.

Quote from Michael Scott

Jim: You don't love Holly.
Michael Scott: I think I do.
Jim: But you just met her.
Michael Scott: Well, it was love at first sight. Actually, it was- No. It was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.
Jim: Oh, okay, it doesn't work like that.

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: This thing with Holly feels a lot like love to me.
Jim: And that's really sweet. And you can think that, but you don't say that out loud. And you definitely don't say it to her.
Michael Scott: I don't want her to get away.
Jim: I know. Here, Michael, you can court her as you get to know her, you know? I mean, the office is a great place for that. Pam and I, we got to know each other right out there. I mean, first time we joked around was at my desk. And the first meal we ever had was in the break room, actually. We were at two separate tables and I remember that. The first time we kissed even was right outside, and... Look, all I'm saying is that you can get to know someone really, really well, like I did. Right here at work.

Quote from Holly

Holly: Hey, Kevin.
Kevin: Hi.
Holly: Do you need some help?
Kevin: I can't decide what to get.
Holly: Well, what do you like to eat?
Kevin: Well, I like pretzels, but I really like chips.
Holly: Hmm. Well, how much money do you have there? Okay, let's see. 50. This is a button. 55, 65... Okay, you have 75 cents. So that means you could get anything up on the top row.
Kevin: Hmm.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on cell phone] Hey, Ryan, it's Jim. Look,I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but you know what, I really don't care because you're trying to get rid of me. And I bet you think I don't care enough about this job to actually fight back, but you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place, but guess what I'm not going anywhere.

Quote from Holly

Holly: Damn it!
Michael Scott: Hello, Holly. What are you doing? You don't- You don't have to do that. I mean, we have already put-together chairs. That's how we buy them, actually.
Holly: I'm trying to adjust the lumbar support on Toby's chair, and that made this up/down lever thing not work.
And then I took the whole chair apart, and that is the story of me on the floor. It's pretty good, right? I'm gonna sell the movie rights.
Michael Scott: And the sequel, woman stands at desk and works.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Did you need me to take notes?
Toby: Hi, Pam. Stay.
Pam: Okay.
Michael Scott: All right. Well then, I will proceed. I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. [reading from cards] Who do you think you are?
Toby: I'm Toby.
Michael Scott: Yeah. Correct. Um. What gives- What- What gives you the right?

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look?
Michael Scott: Sure, you know what, that sounds good. I'll take a little looksie.
Holly: Here we go.
Michael Scott: Thank you. "What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin?"
Toby: This place?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Toby: I've got some ideas.
Michael Scott: I'm not asking it, I'm just reading it out loud.
Holly: Oh, I'd like to hear the answer.
Toby: Well, let me see. I would-
Michael Scott: [whispering] I'll kill you.
Toby: I guess everything's okay.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: I made it this far, right? What's the point?

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Toby, why don't you open your present?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, hey, hey, hey- This might not be what I think that I don't even know's in there 'cause there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don't know which is which.
Toby: "Suck on this."
Michael Scott: What the hell is that?
Holly: Michael.
Michael Scott: What do you mean "Michael"?! That's not even my handwriting. Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?!
Dwight K. Schrute: You did.
Michael Scott: No!
Dwight K. Schrute: You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line.

Quote from Phyllis

Michael Scott: No anti-gravity machine, huh?
Phyllis: Sorry, Michael. I don't think they're real.
Michael Scott: The ferris wheel is pretty cool, though.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn't see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in, but impossible to rise up.
Michael Scott: That's what she- A lot of places are like that.
Holly: I think it's really cool you hired Kevin.
Michael Scott: Thanks.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Tuna! I'm engaged!
Jim: I know. That's awesome, man. That's great.
Andy: Mr. Andrew Bernard. It's got a nice ring to it.

Quote from Michael Scott

Holly: So, you missed something really big.
Michael Scott: Yeah?
Holly: Yeah. Andy proposed to one of your accountants.
Michael Scott: Oh, wow.
Holly: That's as specific as I can be on my first day.
Michael Scott: Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar.

Quote from Holly

Holly: So... You know, somehow, after all those ribs, I'm still really hungry. I don't know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere and getting some dessert.
Michael Scott: Oh, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. He practically lives there.
Holly: Okay.
Kevin: I'll go to the diner with you.
Holly: That would be great.
Kevin: Yeah, we can go eat pie.
Holly: I love pie.
Kevin: Me too.


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