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‘Jury Duty’ Quotes

The Office: Jury Duty

813. Jury Duty

Aired February 2, 2012

Jim gets caught in a lie after he misses a week of work for jury duty. Meanwhile, the accounting staff pay a visit to Angela, who has just given birth prematurely.

Quote from Oscar

Andy: So, what did you bring?
Oscar: Oh yeah, I don't know if it's right, but-
Senator Lipton: Well, if it's anything like that gorgeous wrapping paper, you hit it out of the park.
Angela: Aw, preemie pajamas!
Oscar: Again, it may not be the right size. I can return-
Angela: No, I think he came early just so he could wear these. Thank you.
Kevin: I got Little Kevin "Call of Duty".
[aside to camera:]
Oscar: This baby is clearly not premature. They're lying about the date it was conceived. It's very interesting. And her husband's gay. I don't even know which thread to follow.

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Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I was in Los Angeles last year. Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part on NCIS, but that's not important. While I was being kicked off the lot, I saw food trucks everywhere. Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them. And nobody calls them restaurants.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Angela: Dwight?
Senator Lipton: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I want to see the baby.
Erin: Oh, Angela will make you cut your fingernails. It's not worth it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... [whispers] willingly, or as slaves.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: That baby is a Schrute. And unless somebody taught Mose sex, that baby is mine.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Nurse, you know that baby in there, baby Philip? Cancel the circumcision.
Nurse: Who are you?
Dwight K. Schrute: I just might be his father.
Nurse: I don't know what that means. We're gonna circumcise him.

Quote from Angela

Oscar: Wow, it's so... healthy.
Kevin: I'm going to call him Little Kevin.
Angela: No, you will not.
Erin: Is he really five pounds?
Angela: Mm-hmm.
Erin: Because I squat with five pounds. This- [squats, grunts] yeah, this feels like more than that.
Senator Lipton: No, no, no, he's nine pounds, seven ounces.
Angela: Nine pounds? Really? I thought you said five. You know what? I was under so many drugs, I felt like I was at a James Taylor concert or something, oh.

Quote from Jim

Phyllis: How was jury duty?
Jim: It was pretty uneventful, actually.
Dwight K. Schrute: Can't believe they let someone like you serve on a jury. Makes me question the whole judicial system.
Erin: What was the case?
Jim: Uh, hit and run.
Erin: Ooh. "The case of the hit and run," that's exciting.
Phyllis: Did you send him to the slammer?
Jim: Nope. Not guilty.
Dwight K. Schrute: Of course you found him not guilty. [mocking voice] "Oh, he apologized and I just really want him to like me, hmm."
Jim: We're best friends, actually. We're going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not coming, have plans.
Jim: Okay.

Quote from Jim

Jim: I did get called in to jury duty. And they released me around noon, so, didn't think it was worth it to come back to work for a half day. And then the next morning, Pam was a little overwhelmed with the kids so I took an extra day to help out. And then three other days happened.

Quote from Stanley

Andy: Come on, Judge Judy, tell us your case. What were the deets?
Jim: Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so...
Meredith: How could it be boring? You were there for five days. Titillate us.
Stanley: Yeah, you owe us. I had to stay until six twice to cover for you. My wife got to the TV first, had to sit through damn Rizzoli and damn Isles.

Quote from Erin

Oscar: We wanted to say hi to the newest little Dunder Mifflinite.
Senator Lipton: Well, meet our not-so-little bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton.
Kevin: Philip is so fat.
Oscar: Kevin!
Kevin: You warned me not to say anything if it was tiny, Oscar. But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.
Angela: Hey.
Senator Lipton: Yes, he's substantial.
Erin: He's more than substantial. He's a monster.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I'm gonna find Gabe, tell him what Jim did and let the little stickler do what he does best: stickle.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: Ooh, did I win the pool?
Erin: Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.
Oscar: Well, no one won the pool. Angela wasn't due for another month.
Erin: We should all go to the hospital and visit her.
Phyllis: Oh, I'd love to but, um-
Jim: Aw man, I would but I can't miss any more work.
Oscar: Well, Kevin and I have to go, 'cause accounting is its own little family.
Kevin: Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad and Angela's my mom.

Quote from Jim

Phyllis: Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients and I had to have it detailed and they took my meter change.
Jim: Wow, I'm really sorry.
Phyllis: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: I never considered that my week off would make everyone else's job harder. The least I could do is give them a good story.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: So this whole hit and run thing, there's just one part I can't figure out. You said it was at a four-way stop...
Jim: Mmm-hm.
Dwight K. Schrute: And the victim rode his bicycle into the left hand turn lane, but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Dwight K. Schrute: See, that's what I'm having trouble with, because the fact is, you never said he was on a bicycle. [villainous laugh] Busted, Halpert!
Jim: Okay, wait, wait.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes! Andy, get out here.
Jim: No. I never said he was on a bicycle. I just said I wasn't listening to you.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am making a citizen's arrest. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.

Quote from Andy

Andy: What's up, gangstas?
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim was lying about jury duty. He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga or go canoeing. I don't know what this pervert likes. Fire him!
Andy: Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.
Dwight K. Schrute: I have Jim on the record saying that the vic-
Andy: No. Dwight! I have me on the record, saying to you, take a chill pill.
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't- I don't need to take a chill pill.
Andy: Here, right there. [mimes giving Dwight a pill and a glass] Down the hatch.
Dwight K. Schrute: I really don't want to take the chill pill. [mimes taking pill]
Andy: Attaboy. Good. Now, chill.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty. You would have to fire him, right?
Andy: Yeah, sure, of course. I'd fire him to Timbuktu. [Jim chuckles nervously]
Dwight K. Schrute: That's good enough for me.

Quote from Andy

Jim: ...and Pam was just going crazy, trying to take care of Philip because Cece has been out of control recently, and- look, Andy, it doesn't matter. The truth is, I just feel terrible lying to you.
Andy: I feel terrible getting lied to. No one's ever lied to me before.
Jim: Okay. I think the best thing to do right now is just come clean and tell everybody the truth.
Andy: No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you. No. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have ourselves a good old-fashioned cover-up. Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?
Jim: No.
Andy: Do you know why you never heard of it?
Jim: No.
Andy: Covered it up.
Jim: Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?
Andy: They used to call me King Tut because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: My nickname was actually King Butt, because I had a king-size butt.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, Jim. Hey, this guy look familiar?
Jim: Uh-
Toby: It's the empanada guy.
Jim: The empanada guy!
Dwight K. Schrute: No, Toby! [bleep] Damn it, Toby! No, I wasn't asking you. [sighs] Ask him if he remembers Jim. [Nate asks Ernesto a question in Spanish]
Ernesto: No.
Nate: He says, "No."
Dwight K. Schrute: He says, "No!" Boom!
Andy: Yeah, but who remembers all their customers? I mean, I can name like three of our clients.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, he remembers Toby, the most forgettable man in the known world.

Quote from Creed

Jim: Uh, you guys are going to love these. So, empanadas on me. You guys gotta try them.
Creed: Usually I'm a burrito guy, but if you won't tell, I won't. Wink, wink.

Quote from Phyllis

Phyllis: [to Ernesto] I'm sorry, do you have any American Mexican food?

Quote from Andy

Andy: We're getting buried out there. What was that stuff about the car breaking down?
Jim: Well, I think you handled it pretty well.
Andy: I'm not Rumpelstiltskin, Jim. I can't keep spinning gold out of your [bleep].
Jim: Okay, listen, all right? Dwight's on to us, he's going to figure it out really soon, so let's just get ahead of it, let's tell the truth.
Andy: [sighs] I don't even know what the truth is anymore.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: All right, well. Let's get this show on the road, shall we? Allow me to give you a hand. [puts Jim's things in a box] Here we are. So long, clump-mate. I'm going to miss you. Truth be told, I never thought that this was how it was going to end. I always thought that I was going to defeat you somehow. But you've defeated yourself. [laughs]
Andy: Dwight, cut it out. I'm not firing Jim.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. You said- You said that you were-
Andy: I know what I said. Jim, you're in deep doo-doo. Do you understand? I have one thing to say to you, and I'm going to say it in front of this whole office. Look me in the eye. [gives Jim a weak slap]
Dwight K. Schrute: That's it? This is crap! [dumps the box on Jim's desk and leaves]

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Honestly, I can return this for a larger size.
Angela: It's fine. Pajamas aren't supposed to be baggy, right? It's not the barrio.
Oscar: The only premature baby in this room is the baby this baby ate.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Oscar: Don't you want to see the baby?
Dwight K. Schrute: Pff! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.
Oscar: I promised I wouldn't tell.
Dwight K. Schrute: So don't.
Oscar: Angela got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight K. Schrute: What?
Oscar: She got pregnant before the wedding.
Dwight K. Schrute: How long before?
Oscar: A month. [Dwight leaves, Oscar calls after him] You didn't hear it from me!
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, I did.

Quote from Creed

Pam: Hi, everybody!
Jim: What?
All: Hi.
Pam: How about a little visit?
Jim: Wow, what a surprise. That's crazy. You guys get to meet the little heck-raisers.
Creed: Hey, Angela's back with her baby.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Angela, this child is definitely mine. He looks just like me.
Angela: Every baby looks just like you. Your face kind of looks like a baby.
Dwight K. Schrute: Need I remind you that we were together a month before the wedding?
Angela: That is completely untrue.
Dwight K. Schrute: Completely true. Remember?
Angela: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: You said that Robert was not fulfilling you-
Angela: I did not. Uh-uh.
Dwight K. Schrute: -and I said, "I bet I could fulfill you," and you said, "I'd like to see you try," and then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.
Angela: That didn't happen.
Dwight K. Schrute: And then I inserted my penis-
Angela: No! Stop it!
Dwight K. Schrute: Into your-
Angela: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Vagina and-
Angela: And even if it did, it's just a coincidence.
Dwight K. Schrute: Admit that there is a chance.
Angela: I will not.
Dwight K. Schrute: Admit it. Admit it.
Angela: I will not, it's not-

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: I have a kid. Last week, Jim at home? That was no vacation.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Dwight, what the hell? You can't smoke in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, right. [sighs] The office looks different now. Huh. Smaller. Maybe I just feel bigger. Hello Gabe.
Gabe: You had something important to tell me?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, you know, I did but now it seems infinitely insignificant.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Jim? Oh, right. Nah, forget it. He was doing it for his kids. I get it. Kids drive us dads crazy. Sometimes I feel like they're raising us. Am I right?


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