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‘Andy's Ancestry’ Quotes

The Office: Andy's Ancestry

903. Andy's Ancestry

Aired October 4, 2012

Nellie gets her own back on Andy when she fakes a genealogy report, leading his co-workers to think his family may once have owned slaves. Meanwhile, Dwight helps Erin learn a new language, Pam prepares Nellie for a driving test, and Darryl grows fed up of the way his ideas are treated.

Quote from Jim

Fake Jim: Morning, Dwight
Dwight K. Schrute: Who are you?
Fake Jim: Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian.
Fake Jim:: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alright then, Jim. Ah, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Fake Jim:: Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.
Voicemail: Please enter your password. [Fake Jim keys in a code] You have one new message.
Dwight K. Schrute: How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!
Fake Jim: Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't work here! You're not Jim!
Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico's at 7:30.
Fake Jim: Oh great, can't wait. [kisses Pam]
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!
[Dwight shows Fake Jim a picture of the Halpert family. Fake Jim smiles at the picture, so Dwight looks and sees that it's a picture of Pam with Fake Jim and two mixed-race children]

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Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. [pauses] Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try Dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.

Quote from Clark

Andy: Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but, uh, I'm related to Michelle Obama.
[Clark and Peter clap; together to camera:]
Pete: Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
Clark: So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders. It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
Pete: Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.
Clark: Just clap through it, man.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there.

Quote from Darryl

Erin: Hey, study buddies.
Darryl: Oh, okay.
Erin: Getting things done. Awesome.
Darryl: It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!

Quote from Erin

Andy: My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.
[aside to camera:]
Erin: I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, "What's your stance on politics?" Or, "What is the best war to do?" And, I will just be like, "Duh!"

Quote from Darryl

Andy: Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?
Darryl: Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" by Paul Simon, featuring Lady Smith... African American... Mambazo.

Quote from Stanley

Oscar: I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?
Phyllis: You think that Andy's family owned slaves?
Stanley: Well, somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.

Quote from Jim

Andy: What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True- [touches his nose] Oh, no.

Quote from Andy

Nellie: This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
Andy: Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
Nellie: Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!
Andy: As in...
Nellie: Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.
Andy: Wow.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: You log in sales at ten different times. If you log ‘em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.
Jim: This is really good, Darryl.
Darryl: Life hacking, man.

Quote from Andy

Jim: Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me-
Andy: [shushing Jim] Right now I need canned tuna, okay?

Quote from Nellie

Pam: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Nellie: [laughs] Yeah! It's almost unbelievable!
Pam: What?
Nellie: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Pam: Sure.
Nellie: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Pam: So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Nellie: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.

Quote from Darryl

Andy: What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you, so, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! [makes whip cracking sound]
Oscar: Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today.
Andy: Why? Is it employee's day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
Oscar: Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were slave owners.
Andy: Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?
[everyone raises their hands.]
[to camera:]
Darryl: Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.
Angela: Ew.
Andy: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
Kevin: And John Wayne?
Andy: No. Not that I see here.
Kevin: Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
Andy: You mean Dwayne? And no.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Dwight's grandfather was a-
Dwight K. Schrute: Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So...[clears throat]
Andy: I was gonna say he was a tax evader.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! [laughs]

Quote from Darryl

Jim: You doing alright, man?
Darryl: I'm done. I gotta get out of here.
Jim: Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.
Darryl: It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.

Quote from Andy

Andy: We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it's not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it.
Oscar: The difference is, Andy, that you're the only here still benefiting from the terrible things that your ancestors did.
Andy: Might have done. And how do you figure?
Oscar: Your family's rich. I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves.
Andy: You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth could one day benefit society... If capital gains are ever taxed at the same rate as earned income.


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