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43Quotes from ‘Andy's Ancestry’

The Office: Andy's Ancestry

903. Andy's Ancestry

Aired October 4, 2012

Nellie gets her own back on Andy when she fakes a genealogy report, leading his co-workers to think his family may once have owned slaves. Meanwhile, Dwight helps Erin learn a new language, Pam prepares Nellie for a driving test, and Darryl grows fed up of the way his ideas are treated.

Quote from Jim

Fake Jim: Morning, Dwight
Dwight K. Schrute: Who are you?
Fake Jim: Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for twelve years. Ha, Weird joke, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian.
Fake Jim:: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race.
Dwight K. Schrute: Alright then, Jim. Ah, why don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday?
Fake Jim:: Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or, were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn't close that one yet, but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me.
Voicemail: Please enter your password. [Fake Jim keys in a code] You have one new message.
Dwight K. Schrute: How did you know? No! No, no! That is sensitive information only for employees, not outsiders!
Fake Jim: Dwight, cut it out, I'm trying to work.
Dwight K. Schrute: You don't work here! You're not Jim!
Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico's at 7:30.
Fake Jim: Oh great, can't wait. [kisses Pam]
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Jim's at the dentist this morning. And Steve is an actor friend of ours.
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim!
[Dwight shows Fake Jim a picture of the Halpert family. Fake Jim smiles at the picture, so Dwight looks and sees that it's a picture of Pam with Fake Jim and two mixed-race children]

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager, I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here. [pauses] Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah, French. It's a great language. If you're a chain-smoking acrobat.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try Dothraki. Win over any man in my guild.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic war-mongering horse lords of Essos as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads.

Quote from Clark

Andy: Alright! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but, uh, I'm related to Michelle Obama.
[Clark and Peter clap; together to camera:]
Pete: Yeah we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm.
Clark: So we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders. It's starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome.
Pete: Yeah, me too. It's weird. Hard to remember what's real at this point.
Clark: Just clap through it, man.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I'm just trying to fit in better with Andy's family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I'm there.

Quote from Darryl

Erin: Hey, study buddies.
Darryl: Oh, okay.
Erin: Getting things done. Awesome.
Darryl: It's all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved my self 90 seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it!

Quote from Erin

Andy: My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama.
[aside to camera:]
Erin: I was intimidated by Andy's family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like, "What's your stance on politics?" Or, "What is the best war to do?" And, I will just be like, "Duh!"

Quote from Darryl

Andy: Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady?
Darryl: Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Very funny, Kevin. Changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone, which, you may remember, was "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" by Paul Simon, featuring Lady Smith... African American... Mambazo.

Quote from Stanley

Oscar: I'm just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person?
Phyllis: You think that Andy's family owned slaves?
Stanley: Well, somebody owned somebody. And I don't think anybody would buy an Andy.

Quote from Jim

Andy: What about Jim Halpert? Uh oh! Turns out, distant relative of the reviled, Richard Nixon!
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean there's nothing there. True- [touches his nose] Oh, no.

Quote from Andy

Nellie: This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn't give you paper cuts. We can't. And here is a print out of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com
Andy: Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights.
Nellie: Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama!
Andy: As in...
Nellie: Wife of Barack, loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children.
Andy: Wow.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: This is super-flattering. She's the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: You log in sales at ten different times. If you log ‘em all at once, you save a lot of time. It's called batching.
Jim: This is really good, Darryl.
Darryl: Life hacking, man.

Quote from Andy

Jim: Andy, you gotta check this out. He just showed me-
Andy: [shushing Jim] Right now I need canned tuna, okay?

Quote from Nellie

Pam: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh?
Nellie: [laughs] Yeah! It's almost unbelievable!
Pam: What?
Nellie: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions, lately.
Pam: Sure.
Nellie: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up!
Pam: So he's not related to Michelle Obama?
Nellie: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer.

Quote from Darryl

Andy: What's going on here? I'm related to the first lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you, so, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work! [makes whip cracking sound]
Oscar: Andy! Andy! No! I would be very polite today.
Andy: Why? Is it employee's day or something? I cannot keep track of these BS holidays.
Oscar: Your connection. To Michelle Obama has certain... negative connotations. Most likely, your family were slave owners.
Andy: Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?
[everyone raises their hands.]
[to camera:]
Darryl: Whoa! That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turn out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol' family closet. For example, Phyllis's great-great grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States.
Angela: Ew.
Andy: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt.
Kevin: And John Wayne?
Andy: No. Not that I see here.
Kevin: Wayne Johnson? The Rock?
Andy: You mean Dwayne? And no.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Andy: Dwight's grandfather was a-
Dwight K. Schrute: Was a member of the Bund. Which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So...[clears throat]
Andy: I was gonna say he was a tax evader.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh ho, the look on your faces! [laughs]

Quote from Darryl

Jim: You doing alright, man?
Darryl: I'm done. I gotta get out of here.
Jim: Yeah. Not the easiest day to be assistant regional manager.
Darryl: It's not just today, it's everyday. It seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I could teach you if you want. It's a lot easier than French.
Erin: Yeah. Let's do it.
Dwight K. Schrute: Athdavrazar!
Erin: Oh.
Dwight K. Schrute: It means "excellent". And we have begun.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: It's just that I am taking my driver's license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I've had no time to do that, thanks to "Demandy"... I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But in whose car?
Andy: Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here.

Quote from Jim

Pam: I'm sorry, I'm leaving you alone for lunch.
Jim: Don't worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I've been wanting to try.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Darryl said, "Cool, man." He called me a cool man.

Quote from Nellie

Pam: You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat.
Nellie: Mmm. The thing is Pam, I'm gonna be eating while I'm driving, so, I might as well get good at it.
Pam: Brake lights. Brake lights! Brake lights! Brake lights!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I throat-rip.
Erin: Foth aggendak!
Dwight K. Schrute: You throat-rip.
Erin: Foth aggendi!
Dwight K. Schrute: He/she/it throat rips.
Erin: Foth aggenda!
Dwight K. Schrute: More of a, barbaric growl.
Erin: [gravely] Foth aggenda!
Dwight K. Schrute: Louder! You're shouting it from the back of a horse!
Erin: Foth aggenda!

Quote from Pam

Pam: Nellie's pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey mom, it's Andy. Give me a call when you get a chance gotta quick question for you, uh no big deal just about America's national shame, thanks, Bye.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Look, I'm not gonna lie to ya, I'm a teensy bit distracted right now.
Darryl: Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn't be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird.
Andy: [snaps his fingers] Right on, brotha. Word.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Erin: Ador!
Dwight K. Schrute: Daras!
Erin: Qazer!
Dwight K. Schrute: Daras! Does anyone here have fermented mare's milk?

Quote from Pam

Nellie: That is brilliant, Pam. I would love to see some of your work.
Pam: Well, since we're stopped at a light. Uh, here is... the mural I did for Angela's baby.
Nellie: That is amazing, Pam. Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo.
Pam: Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, has anyone turned in their status reports up here?
Erin: Vos!
Andy: So, no? You think maybe you could remind people? I'm trying to down play the whole bossy boss thing today.
Erin: Because of your slaves.
Andy: Not my slaves, my ancestors'. Maybe. Probably not.
Erin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, the Dothraki word for "slave master", azzafrok, is a term of respect. I'm learning how to speak Dothraki! Color you impressed?
Andy: That you're learning a made-up language from HBO's Game of Thrones? I have a lot going on today... but this was a great nerd-out!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Erin: Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language.
Dwight K. Schrute: People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it.

Quote from Nellie

Pam: It's, uh, a text from Andy. "New special proj. Need fam tree for evbody. Really dig up dirt A.S.A.P." And then in parentheses, he wrote out "as soon as possible."
Nellie: Mm. Ugh, looks like its pretend-y time again. Write back, "looking for dirt."
Pam: Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, uhm, Tonya Harding.
Nellie: Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding.
Pam: Oh, gee. I'm...
Nellie: No! I'm just practicing my lying. [whispers] I love it.

Quote from Nellie

Nellie: What should we say about Jim?
Pam: Um. Oh! I'll say he's related to Richard Nixon. It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up.
Nellie: My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying. None of the sexual charisma. ... I just made a joke then.
Pam: I'm sorry. It's just, um, I actually do have this weird feeling that there's something Jim isn't telling me.
Nellie: Oh no! Oh! An affair! It is always an affair!
Pam: Jim? No.
Nellie: [sighs] How can you be sure?
Pam: Because he just loves me too much.
Nellie: You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam?

Quote from Meredith

Andy: And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden.
Meredith: Cool! [mimics stabbing Angela's throat while making the "Psycho" noise]
Angela: Stop it. Stop it. You're frightening me.

Quote from Andy

Andy: We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past and it's not our fault. So we don't have to talk about it.
Oscar: The difference is, Andy, that you're the only be here still benefiting from the terrible things that your ancestors did.
Andy: Might've done. And how do you figure?
Oscar: Your family's rich. I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves.
Andy: You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar! I'm not gonna apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth, could one day benefit society... if capital gains are ever taxed as the same rate as earned income.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [answering cell phone] Hey, mom, how are ya? Did any Bernards ever own a plantation in the south? [to the group] She said no. Take that! [on the phone] Follow up question. Did any Bernards, ever, make money, in an unsavory way? [quietly] I just asked you! Why didn't you just say that? Okay, stop! Stop! Stop talking! Stop taking! That's- No! I don't wanna know that. Okay. You're interrupting a meeting I have to go. Love you. Bye. [to the group] Well, turns out the Bernard's of yore did not own slaves.
Oscar: Really?
Andy: We merely transported them. Which at worst, makes us amoral middlemen.

Quote from Nellie

Pam: So what did you want to show me?
Nellie: That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it?
Pam: Yeah. It's really ugly
Nellie: Needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking... a mural.
Pam: You mean me?
Nellie: Yes, you! You are so talented. It's going to be my next special project. Hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall.

Quote from Nellie

Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey. Can I talk you? For a second?
Nellie: Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you!
Pam: What? No! I- I got this. [laughs] Okay?
Nellie: [quietly] This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm gonna find you someone better, and rich.
[aside to camera:]
Nellie: And Filipino. But we'll break that to her later.

Quote from Pam

Jim: I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world.
[later, also to camera:]
Pam: I still can't believe he didn't tell me.

Quote from Erin

Pete: Fonas chek!
Erin: Dothras chek! [giggles]
Andy: I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith.
Erin: Hmmm!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Yo, d-dog. I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had.
Darryl: You're gonna po' mouth
Andy: Exactly. Help me po' mouth, Darryl.
Darryl: Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions—
Andy: What if I said that my dad beat me. And, I just left out the croquet of it all. Or, I could just go all the way and just say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy?


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