TV Quotes

Jim: I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.

Michael Scott: My whole life, I have known two things. I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand. But now, I think it might be one or the other.

Michael Scott: What? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Jim: Is it me or does it smell like updog in here?
Michael Scott: What's "updog"?
Jim: Nothing much, what's up with you?
Michael Scott: [laughing] Oh, wow. I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant.

Meredith: Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said "Gross"...
Michael Scott: Well-
Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.

Ryan: My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her, "Mom, you should sell this, you'd make a fortune", and she always says, "No, it's just for family." Well, finally I was like [bleep] it, I'll sell it. So I'm like, "Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends", and she's like, "Uh, okay." Pesto party? Really? Anyway, she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It's so good. And Phyllis just had that mom look I wanted.

Gabe: Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it.

Dwight K. Schrute: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account.