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‘Money’ Quotes

The Office: Money

407. Money

Aired October 18, 2007

When his finances hit a rough patch, Michael takes a second job to earn more money. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam spend the night at Dwight's farm, and Andy asks Angela out on a date.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I declare bankruptcy!

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Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word "bankruptcy" and expect anything to happen.
Michael Scott: I didn't say it, I declared it.
Oscar: Still- That's- That's not anything.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: [on the phone] Yes, is Mr. Hudson there?
Stanley: Yeah, who is this?
Michael Scott: Well I'm just calling because you responded positively to-
Stanley: Michael?
Michael Scott: Stanley?
Stanley: Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott: [in a Mexican accent] Señor, are you happy with your long distance, sir?
Stanley: Michael, I know that's you. Why are you calling me here at home?
Michael Scott: [different voice] Have you con- Have you considered satellite television?
Stanley: Michael, I know that's you. I know your voice.
Michael Scott: All right.
Stanley: Why are you calling me here at home? When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats, drinking some red wine, watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole godforsaken world I want to hear is the voice of Michael Scott.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Michael just rent The Devil wears Prada. He has his Netflix sent here to the office and he watches them in pieces when things are slow. He's a big Meryl Streep fan, so I shouldn't be surprised that he's identified with her character. [later:]
Michael Scott: Coat!
[later:]
Michael Scott: Steak! Where's my steak?

Quote from Creed

Creed: Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.

Quote from Jim

Jim: You know, I just realized this is Pam's and my first night away together. I used to play it over in my head and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a nice hotel or a romantic dinner. Wine but wine that wasn't made out of beets. Didn't think Dwight would be involved at all. And I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure. Just less.

Quote from Pam

Jim: I can't believe this place is real. I'd heard about his beet farm for years, but I never thought-
Pam: The Beets Motel.
Jim: The Beets Motel? That is- Wow.
Pam: Thank you.

Quote from Creed

Michael Scott: How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed: You don't go by Monopoly, man. That game is nuts. Nobody just picks up "Get out of jail free" cards. Those things cost thousands.
Michael Scott: That is a good point.
Creed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start. It's a clean slate.
Michael Scott: Like the witness protection program.
Creed: Exactly.
Oscar: Not at all!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Get me Armani.
Pam: A suit?
Michael Scott: On the phone.
Pam: The main company number? 'Cause I'm gonna have to call information.
Michael Scott: Where's Armani? He's on the phone. Too slow. You're not going to Paris. I'm so much better than you are.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I owe you an apology.
Pam: You finished the movie.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it was awesome. Big surprise ending. Won't ruin it for you.
Pam: No, go ahead.
Michael Scott: Meryl Streep is the bad guy. You never see it coming. Anyway, if I was mean in any way to you, I'm sorry. I just want what's best for you, Minushka.

Quote from Pam

Pam: "Macushla." He's watching Million Dollar Baby. He's gonna try to kill me.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yes! Money has been a little bit tight lately. But at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No, I'm gonna be thinking about how many friends I have and my children and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well, money-wise.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin, Dwight Schrute. Please hold. Schrute farms. Guttentag. How can help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh, no, I'm sorry. No King beds. No Queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf wiedersehen.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: None of your business, Jim.
Jim: You running a bed and breakfast?
Dwight K. Schrute: It is not a B & B.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Agro-tourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: My girlfriend and I broke up recently and I must say I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread... Whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.

Quote from Pam

Jim: The Borscht Hotel.
Pam: The Embassy Beets. Radish Inn.
Jim: How are you doing this?
Pam: I don't know.

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: How long until you actually get this presentation ready?
Michael Scott: Why don't you do the presentation. I mean, you know how to do it.
Ryan: What I really want? Honestly, Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael Scott: Huh, okay.
Ryan: What?
Michael Scott: It's whoever, not whomever.
Ryan: No, it's whomever.
Michael Scott: No, whomever is never actually right.
Jim: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.

Quote from Kelly

Pam: It's whom when it's the object of the sentence, and who when it's the subject.
Phyllis: That sounds right.
Michael Scott: Well it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it? As an object?
Ryan: As an object.
Kelly: Ryan used me as an object.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me. I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job, and I failed. But the good thing about the American Dream is that you can just go to sleep. And try it all again the next night.

Quote from Andy

Pam: I don't know if I really see you two together.
Andy: Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.
Pam: She's very religious.
Andy: Okay, well I come from a line of W.A.S.P.s so long it leads back to Moses.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I've always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start. No debts, no baggage. I've already got my name picked up: "Lord Rupert Everton." I'm a, uh, shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs.
That's the life.

Quote from Pam

Pam: We wrote a good review. Under comments, we wrote: "The natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times."
Jim: "The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings."
Pam: "Table-making never seemed so possible."
Jim: "You will never want to leave your room."
Pam: "The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beetfarm."

Quote from Pam

Jim: Does the Department of Health know about this?
Dwight K. Schrute: I am not telling you anything. Permits are pending. [answering the phone] Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.
Pam: I'm looking for a room.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, this is a misuse of company phones.
Pam: It says here you cater to the elderly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where did you read that?
Pam: TripAdvisor.
Dwight K. Schrute: How many in your party?
Pam: Two.
Dwight K. Schrute: We offer our tours of the fields and of the barn. Perhaps you'd be interested in Mose's table-making demonstration.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: And the best way to start is to hit "Start". And up comes the tool bar. That's what she said.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: TripAdvisor is the lifeblood of the agro-tourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you may as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn, one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.

Quote from Kevin

Kevin: The bar uses an applause meter. That is why it is so important that you all come and applaud only for my band, Scrantonicity 2. Not Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: "And Harry saw the white hand raise its wand and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor writhe in agony. 'Harry.' It was over as quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate into the garden, his heart racing."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Okay, here's the thing about Die Hard 4. Die Hard 1, the original, John McClain is just this normal guy, you know? He's just a normal New York city cop who gets his feet cut, he gets beat up. But he's an everyday guy. In Die Hard 4, he is jumping a motorcycle into a helicopter in the air. You know? He's invincible. It's just sort of lost from Die Hard 1. It's not Terminator.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I'm sorry, Mr. O'Brien. I didn't mean to interrupt your dinner. I just have a very exciting offer. My records indicate you've expressed interest in losing some weight. What if I told you that I have a pill that will make you 50 pounds lighter in five minutes? How would that sound? Amazing, right? Well, it won't be that fast but it will- It will be that easy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do enough of it as a manager, so I took this second job, kind of as a hobby. Some people have golf or relaxing.

Quote from Jim

Dwight K. Schrute: Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?
Jim: Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story.
Dwight K. Schrute: No.
Jim: Not even Harry Potter?
Dwight K. Schrute: No. Jim, come on.

Quote from Michael Scott

Nick Figaro: All righty. Everybody in the conference room in five minutes.
Michael Scott: These meetings are useless.

Quote from Michael Scott

Nick Figaro: Just dial the number on the sheet and stick to the script. Say the words exactly. Got it? I don't know why we keep having this conversation.
Michael Scott: Look, I know sales and I had that sale. I just needed a few more minutes.
Nick Figaro: A few more minutes is a waste of our time!
Michael Scott: It's not a waste of time.
Nick Figaro: This is a trading game. You give a quick pitch. You make the sale and move on. That's how Vikram does.
Michael Scott: Vikram doesn't have my people skills.
Nick Figaro: for Vikram 'cause he out-sells you every night.
Michael Scott: Well, I hope this conversation has helped.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What did you get tonight?
Vikram: Oh, it looks like mixed marsala, eggplant, and rice.
Michael Scott: Oh, that looks good.
Vikram: And what about you? A peanut butter flavor again?
Michael Scott: I am going with the vanilla crisp this evening.
Vikram: Enjoy.
Michael Scott: Thank you.

Quote from Michael Scott

Vikram: I was a surgeon back home.
Michael Scott: Really?
Vikram: Yeah.
Michael Scott: Wonder what I would've been back home.
Vikram: Well, this is your home.
Michael Scott: I know, but I mean, it's so competitive here. What's the dollar worth in your land? Medical school must've cost, like, 40 bucks or a donkey or something.
Vikram: Uh, no.
Michael Scott: I would've been chief of surgery. Or a cowboy.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Yes, I forgot about Ryan's presentation and yes, it would have been nice to do well with the first presentation that he'd given me. But you know what else would've been nice? Winning the lottery.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What we have to do here is go to "run". And then, you look up to Powerpoint and we are in. We are going to register. You hit "register". "Updates are ready." I should update. "Estimated time 12 minutes." So this should take about 5 or 10 minutes.
Ryan: Is this the first time you've opened Powerpoint?
Michael Scott: Why?
Ryan: You didn't prepare a presentation at all, did you?

Quote from Jim

Michael Scott: I had really rough night. And my boss can back me up on that.
Ryan: Michael, I'm your boss.
Michael Scott: My other boss, Mr. Figaro.
Ryan: You've another job?
Michael Scott: What I do between 5:30 pm and 1:00 am is nobody's business but mine and my other businesses.
Jim: Are you a cocktail waitress?

Quote from Pam

Pam: Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight. Or Angela. Or Andy.

Quote from Oscar

Phyllis: He's always been terrible with money.
Stanley: I bet it's Jan spending him straight to the poorhouse.
Kevin: Yeah, women be shoppin'.
Meredith: I can't believe he has a second job.
Oscar: He's not even good at his first one.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I've ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking. What kind of game is that?

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: This is a lot of credit card debt.
Michael Scott: Yeah, tell about it. You know, Jan has my credit cards and she's using 'em as if I'm made of money. She thinks I'm a human ATM machine.
Oscar: Okay. $125, Amazon.
Michael Scott: Oh, Best of the Muppet Show on DVD. Classic.
Oscar: $1200. What's a "Core-Blaster Extreme"?
Michael Scott: That is by far, the best way to strengthen your core. This machine- You sit on a stabilizer ball. You put your feet into the power stirrups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod. And you twist and you twist and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, your- The Marine Corps actually uses it. I think that's how they got "corps."

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: What am I doing? I'm blowing dodge. I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it. I'm running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?
Dwight K. Schrute: [indecipherable mumbling]
Jim: Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam.
Dwight K. Schrute: [indecipherable mumbling]
Jim: Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Here we are, irrigation room. A very special room. So I'll come get you before the table-making demonstration. And as of this morning, we're completely wireless here at Schrute farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get that power back on.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
Pam: What are the themes?
Dwight K. Schrute: America, irrigation, and night time.
Pam: Irrigation.
Jim: Yes.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'll put you down for irrigation.

Quote from Kevin

Andy: No, actually whomever is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously, it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael Scott: Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what's right. But I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.
Ryan: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin: I don't know.

Quote from Darryl

Darryl: It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.

Quote from Jan

Jan: So, I forgot to tell you that I need the car tonight.
Michael Scott: Actually, I need the car.
Jan: Why? For improv? Why don't you just pretend that you have a car? Good practice in case you ever do a scene where you need to pretend you have a car.

Quote from Angela

Dwight K. Schrute: One cardigan. One sleeping cardigan. One sleep apnea mask.
Angela: What about my cherub figurine?
Dwight K. Schrute: You took that with you.
Angela: No, I left it on my night tab- Your night table by the lamp.
Dwight K. Schrute: You are incorrect. I was recently scrubbing my room of memories and I didn't see it there.
Angela: Fine.

Quote from Jim

Jim: Michael.
Michael Scott: What?
Jim: That reminds me. If the invitation still stands, Pam and I would love to have dinner tonight.
Michael Scott: Oh, no. I've a thing tonight. That stinks.
Jim: Darn it.
Pam: Shoot.
Michael Scott: How about this weekend?
Jim: No, can't.
Pam: We only had tonight free and we really wanted to spend it with you.
Michael Scott: Damn it to hell!

Quote from Michael Scott

Nick Figaro: I just want to remind you to stick to the script. It's been proven to work. So make the call, say the lines, make the sale. Got it?
Michael Scott: Very inspirational. [laughs]
Nick Figaro: We're offering a $50 bonus tonight to the guy with the most sales, okay?
Woman: Or woman.
Michael Scott: Or a trained seal.
Nick Figaro: You can make jokes when you've made a sale there, rookie. Okay?

Quote from Jim

Jim: I'd say one in six.
Pam: What?
Jim: Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

[Jim follows a wailing sound down the hallway, knocks on Dwight's door]
Dwight K. Schrute: Come in. Did you have another nightmare?
Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, Jim. I thought you were Mose.
Jim: Does Mose have nightmares?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, yes. Ever since the storm. Is everything satisfactory with your stay?
Jim: Yeah. Yep.
Dwight K. Schrute: Great.
Jim: Just that I'd heard crying or moaning or something in here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh. Well, I'll look into that in the morning. Thank you for bringing that to the attention of the staff.
Jim: Good night, Dwight.
[After Jim closes the door, the wailing resumes]

Quote from Michael Scott

Ryan: Okay, Michael, why don't you start us off?
Michael Scott: Um. That wasn't much of an introduction.
Ryan: Ladies and gentlemen, your boss Michael Scott.
Michael Scott: Ah, still lame. Okay. All right. Thank you, Ryan, for that wonderful introduction. Okay. Um, today, we're going to be talking about Powerpoint. Powerpoint, Powerpoint, Powerpoint.

Quote from Michael Scott

Stanley: Is he right about that?
Pam: How did he use it again?
Toby: It was Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Toby: To whomever, meaning us, the indirect object, which is the correct use of the word.
Michael Scott: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever's name is Toby, why don't you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Nick, I had a dream last night that I had two full-time jobs. One here at the lipaphadrazone diet pill company.
Nick Figaro: Lipaphedrine.
Michael Scott: The other, I was regional manager of a small paper supply company called Dunder Mifflin.
Nick Figaro: Never heard of it.
Michael Scott: In this dream, I did both of these jobs beautifully. And I loved it. And everybody loved me. The truth is, I can't do this.
Nick Figaro: Are you quitting?
Michael Scott: I am.
Nick Figaro: Come back anytime. Don't forget to disinfect your headset.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey Kevin, you're a gambler, right? A rounder. You play the ponies, small horses.
Kevin: I do gamble, Michael.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it and then doubling it, several more times. I don't know. Kind of just for fun. I was thinking- Do you have any tips or ideas about sure things? Like a boxer who is gonna throw the big fight, you know, like he's tied in to some crooked dealings and maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that?
Kevin: [whispering] The mob.
Michael Scott: [whispering] Do you know anybody in the mob?

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: What do you mean you've plans tonight?
Darryl: I have my daughter tonight. We're renting Charlotte's Web.
Kelly: Well, you have to make a choice. It's either your daughter or me.
Darryl: My daughter.
Kelly: Okay. I see how it is. [knocks over some paper]
Darryl: That was cold.

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael Scott: Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?
Oscar: I know you heard me correctly.
Michael Scott: Oh, I hate monkeys.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: What's going on? Why do you have a second job?
Michael Scott: I don't have a second job. Maybe I am having an affair with Suzanne Somers.

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: Doesn't Jan have money?
Michael Scott: I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It's rude and unsexual.
Kevin: True, it's best to hide our money problems from women.
Michael Scott: I totally agree with you. But I don't have money problems.

Quote from Michael Scott

Creed: Hey, cuz. Heard you're having money problems.
Michael Scott: No, you didn't.
Creed: Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems away.

Quote from Oscar

Oscar: Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need. Like a car and a house.
Michael Scott: That is so cool how you have my name at the top.
Oscar: The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainments, things like that. This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment.
Michael Scott: How do you do this so fast? Is this Powerpoint?

Quote from Michael Scott

Oscar: Michael, I'm gonna set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator. You meet with this guy-
Michael Scott: No. No. We're going to leave Jan out of this.
Oscar: She has to know.
Michael Scott: We will find another way. We'll ask Powerpoint.
Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool.
Michael Scott: You're a presentation tool, if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this.

Quote from Angela

Angela: [to Andy] You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign. No bars, no patios, no vegetables. And no seafood.

Quote from Jim

Pam: Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.
[later, also to camera:]
Jim: Yeah, I'm very passionate about Italian food. In fact, I'm in love with Italian food.


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