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‘The Whale’ Quotes

The Office: The Whale

907. The Whale

Aired November 15, 2012

The women of Dunder Mifflin coach Dwight ahead of an important sales call to a female manager. Meanwhile, Angela tells Oscar she's afraid the Senator is cheating on her, and things aren't working out for Jim and his new business venture.

Quote from Creed

Phyllis: Guys, we can't let Dwight blow this. An account this size could double our growth. That means raises, bonuses... Pizza Friday could come back.
Meredith: Hey, remember that week in the 90's when we got bagels?
Creed: I miss Clinton.

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Quote from Nellie

Nellie: [to Dwight] I have uh, written down a few questions. One, have you ever killed a woman? How many women have you killed? Please, sir, will you not kill me?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Okay, when you're selling to women, it is crucial that you listen, Dwight. Also you want to respect their... Are you listening now?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Pam: Okay, well you have to show us.
Dwight K. Schrute: That's impossible. Listening happens in the ear and in the brain. I mean, some organisms have external hairs that vibrate to indicate auditory stimulation but unfortunately, our external hairs don't vibrate at all.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: Guys, listen, this is big news. The Scranton White Pages just got in contact with my office. They've apparently just dropped the supplier they've been with for the last ten years. .
Dwight K. Schrute: The White Pages.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: The White Pages: Do you want it? No. Do you use it? No. Does it inexplicably show up on your doorstep three times a year? Yes, yes, and yes. There's a reason that we in the paper industry call this thing "the White Whale". Look at all that sweet blubber.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Ten years ago, I didn't care if Dwight got married or died a beet-farming bachelor. But having kids makes you so soft. I used to watch Pulp Fiction and laugh, and now I'm like, that poor gimp is somebody's child.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Oh my God. It's Jan.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, dear God in heaven.
[aside to camera:]
Pam: Jan used to be one of my superiors, and she is one of the most erratic and terrifying people I have ever met. Jim and I are pretty sure she had an affair with her ex-assistant Hunter. He was 17. But she looks great. If she asks, will you tell her I said that?

Quote from Jan

Jan: [singing over slideshow] Mommy, you're a princess. Mommy, you're a superstar. Mommy you're the greatest. How can I ever fill your sho-o-o-es?
Pam: Wow. Your voice is as lovely as ever.

Quote from Jan

Pam: And it is so cute how she signs her name.
Jan: [chuckles] Well, that- That was- That was me, too.
Pam: Oh, okay. It's just that's how Cece does it with the backwards ‘E's.
Jan: Cece can't spell her name.
Pam: Oh, actually she can.
Jan: Well, it's not really much of a comparison, is it? I mean, "Cece" is two letters and "Astrid" is... I mean, there's even some adults who- who- who can't spell it.
Pam: Of course.
Jan: Can you spell it? Try to spell it, Pam.
Pam: Um... "A"... "X"? I don't- You got me.
Jan: Don't patronize me.
Pam: [whispering] I'm so sorry. I hate this. You're better.

Quote from Jan

Jan: [to Clark] Do you have a valid passport?

Quote from Andy

Andy: [on video chat] Ah, what else? I've seen Dirty Dancing like, ten times. Breaks my heart every time, you know?
Everyone: Whoa!
Pam: Andy.
Andy: That Swayze sure can dance dirty.
Phyllis: Don't you have any sunblock?
Andy: No, Walter J has been hoarding it. You want to worry about a part of my body, worry about my eyes. They're like two flaming meatballs in my skull.

Quote from Erin

Erin: Last week, Andy set sail for the Bahamas to sell his family's boat, and he took his brother, but not me. I was kind of sad at first, but then I remembered that Bob Marley song: No, woman. No cry.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [on video chat] Check this out. Keeps my hair out of my stare, also helps me combat the glare bear. That's what I call the sun now.
Darryl: Andy, it's Darryl. Take your drawers off your head.
Andy: What else can I show you? Oh, damn it!
Erin: Oh, Andy, was.. was that your drinking water?
Andy: Yeah, it was. That's okay though. I got this cool desalinator device. It sucks up sea water through this hose and pumps out fresh water. See, check it out. Ow!
Everyone: Oh!
Andy: Ah! That's not good. I better sign off. I hate to get going. I mean these Skype sessions are, like, the only thing that keep me sane out here, you know? [manic laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: He's been sailing for two days.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

David: Look, we need our top salesman running point on this and, Dwight, that is you.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm gonna need to put you on hold for a second. [presses hold button] Hah! Yah! Woo! Eat it Jim! Eat it Phyllis! Eat... Where's Stanley?
Erin: He's in the bathroom.
Dwight K. Schrute: Will you run into the bathroom and tell him to eat it?
Erin: Of course.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah! Okay.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: Dwight, you can't go. You have a problem with women. You can't sell to them.
Dwight K. Schrute: That is a damnable lie. I love women.
Phyllis: Gina Rogers at Apex Technology said you called her ‘gy-na' for your entire meeting.
Nellie: Ew. That's not good.
Phyllis: Yeah, she said she corrected him five times.
Dwight K. Schrute: ‘Gy-na' said that?

Quote from Jim

Jim: I have this conference call today with this company in Philly that I'm helping start. Ah, first board meeting. Also, the first time I've ever been excited about work. So, that feels... wrong.

Quote from Clark

Pete: Toby got us all to participate in Movember. It's a charity for prostate cancer. You pledge money and then you grow a mustache for the month of November.
Clark: So, this is how we look now. I hope you like being turned on all the time.

Quote from Toby

Darryl: Damn! It just keeps on coming, huh?
Toby: I have very fertile hair glands.
[aside to camera:]
Toby: I am so glad I got all of the dudes to do Movember. We have the dopest time back in the annex. We even go to lunch, pick up babes.

Quote from Toby

Toby: [to passing female pedestrian] Smile if you love men's prostates.

Quote from Erin

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello.
Erin: Hello.
Dwight K. Schrute: May I please speak to your boss?
Phyllis: No, she is the boss.
Erin: I am? Hmm.. [deep voice] Hi, I'm Mr. Hannon. How can I help you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, this isn't working for me, ‘cause no one would ever believe that she would be a boss.
Erin: He's absolutely right. I'm really struggling.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: Hello, Mr. Schrute, nice to see you. Please have a seat.
Dwight K. Schrute: I never sit down during sales meetings. I want to appear aggressive and imposing. I am going to sell to you in twelve minutes.
Phyllis: No, actually, she'd like to take her time discussing her needs.
Dwight K. Schrute: I will tell her what her needs are and then fill them. So this is going to work out best for you if you just relax and do nothing. And once I'm finished, it's over.
Pam: Okay, let's stop here. Anyone have any thoughts?
Dwight K. Schrute: I thought it went great.

Quote from Nellie

Pam: Nellie, why don't you tell Dwight what we were doing earlier today. And Dwight, you show us that you're listening.
Nellie: Well, we were in the warehouse, where we were discussing a mural that I've commissioned Pam to paint there. We were talking about the color schemes and the major themes we want to hit. Children of the world, coming together, cutting down trees to make paper. But not in a child labor-y way.
Erin: It's just up and down, just a regular nod, like a person.
Dwight K. Schrute: I am a person.
Erin: Yes.
Nellie: And then we thought we'd- I can't. I just can't carry on with that face. Look at it. I'm gonna get nightmares with that face. I mean he looks like he's laboring over a stool having just eaten human flesh.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Phyllis: Oh, all right. God, Dwight, just ignore every instinct you have. It's all garbage, okay? You're the woman, I'm the salesman, watch what I do and try to learn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I'm a woman. [high voice] I'm a woman. Good?
Phyllis: Ms. Thomas, so good to see you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hello.
Phyllis: Oh, are those your kids? They're so cute! They could be models.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you. I'm so proud of them. I carried each one of them for nine months inside of my torso and then pushed them out of my vagina.
Meredith: Boo! Weird.
Nellie: No.
Phyllis: Okay, yeah. This is a lost cause. He's hopeless.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Pam: You know, I think there could be a lot of benefits if you could learn to get along with women.
Dwight K. Schrute: Look, I have no problem with women. It's businesswomen and their- their power suits and their shoulder pads. Don't lie about your shoulders!
Pam: Dwight, listen to me. Businesswomen are just normal, nice, reasonable people. Who is a nice, reasonable person in your experience?
Dwight K. Schrute: I had a barber once who used to comb my hair gently.
Pam: Okay, so, when you're selling to this woman, just imagine that she's that nice, reasonable barber.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay, I can do that.
Pam: Mm-hmm. Good. Baby steps.
Dwight K. Schrute: He used to fight dogs.
Pam: Like, he used to make dogs fight? Or he actually fought dogs?
Dwight K. Schrute: Little of this, little of that.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Jan, you thought I had no more cards left to play. Well I've got one. Man-boy! The Ace of Babes.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Clark: Where's the Quizno's?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're the Quizno's. [chuckles] Jan, may I introduce to you your own personal Dunder Mifflin liaison, devoted to servicing this account with total client satisfaction. I sensed that Molly wasn't quite meeting your needs. Nothing like, uh, your old assistant... Hunter. Was that his name?
Jan: I- I-
Dwight K. Schrute: Hmm?
Jan: I don't recall. And yes, Molly is crap.
Pam: Okay, you do not have to do this.
Clark: Do what? Get into sales? That's what I want.
Dwight K. Schrute: He's been growing that mustache for weeks. Best he can do... So young.
Jan: Will you, uh, [clicks tongue] you. Can you turn around for me, please? Dwight, you can go. I will call you in a week or so and let you know whether I want your business.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very good.


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