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45Quotes from ‘Initiation’

The Office: Initiation

305. Initiation

Aired October 19, 2006

Dwight attempts to initiate Ryan into the world of sales. Meanwhile, Jan instructs Pam to keep close tabs on Michael.

Quote from Ryan

Dwight K. Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There is no way I can operate on this boy",
Ryan: "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight K. Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling-
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight K. Schrute: A hunter-
Ryan: It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive.
And then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But, on pretzel day... Well, I like pretzel day.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet. But more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he gonna be a slacker, loser, wise-ass like Jim was, or is he gonna join the Dwight Army of Champions?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today, in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Oh, hey everyone! I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second, I-
Toby: Second?
Michael Scott: Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.
Kevin: Account- Michael, what is going on?
Michael Scott: And I will be taking questions.
Pam: Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?
Phyllis: What's on your suit?
Michael Scott: Caramel dip. But, one question at a time, please. Phyllis, Stanley, I want you to switch desks. I am going to re-organize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything. I think we're getting a lot done, don't you, on paper at least? And we are, after all, a paper company, are we not? Are we not? Are we not? Are you with me? Are you with me? Thank you very much.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Ryan: They really didn't like me.
Dwight K. Schrute: They did not. But they didn't have to say it to your face.
Ryan: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're gonna be screwed once this whole Internet fad is over.

Quote from Ryan

Dwight K. Schrute: [chanting as Ryan chugs his beer] Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: I think about that all the time.

Quote from Stanley

Stanley: Three hundred, sixty-four days till the next pretzel day.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Never, ever, ever sleep with your boss. I'm so lucky that Jan and I only got to second base.

Quote from Pam

Pam: It's weird. Jan used to treat Michael like he was a 10-year old. But lately it's like he's five.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: I have spent a year here. And I have to commit or get out. So, Dwight's the top salesman in the company and he's taking me on my first sales call today. And, I'm excited.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Ryan: So, what if they're not talking much? Then does it make sense to kind of lead the conversation? You know, just till it gets to a point where they are asking questions? So where is the sales office?
Dwight K. Schrute: When you are ready to see the sales office, the sales office will present itself to you. Your journey begins now.

Quote from Pam

Pam: Once a year, they bring in a little cart, and they give away free pretzels. It's really not a big deal. To some people it is.

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Productivity is important, but how can I be productive, if I have this one little thing in my brain that I cannot get out? And that one little thing is a soft pretzel. So, I'm just gonna have my soft pretzel, I'll get to work and I'm gonna be super-productive. Look out for me!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It smells pretty bad, doesn't it?
Ryan: Uh-huh.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's called bull crap and a client can smell it from a mile away.
Ryan: Gotcha.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, hey, I forgot something in my car. I'll be right back.
Ryan: Okay.
[Dwight runs to his car, then drives off]
Ryan: Of course.

Quote from Stanley

Michael Scott: Hey, Phyllis, what are you doing?
Phyllis: I'm just saying hi to Bob.
Michael Scott: No, I think you're cutting in line.
Bob Vance: Well, settle down, Scott.
Michael Scott: No, I'm not gonna settle down.
Stanley: Uh-uh. No way. Uh-huh,
Michael Scott: Get in the back, please.
Stanley: Boo!
Michael Scott: Boo!
Stanley: Back in line.
Michael Scott: Thank you. That's right.
Bob Vance: What a pair of marys.
Stanley: This is pretzel day.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Ryan: Hey, Dwight, you're a great salesman. Can you teach me? Sure, Ryan. I'll make you kneel in cow manure and I'll abandon you in a beet field. Oh, that sounds great, Dwight. I really appreciate that. Thank you so much. A mentor- [Ryan knocks on a farm shed]
Dwight K. Schrute: Congratulations, resourceful salesman. You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to Schrute farm!

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hi, please tell me you have a sweet pretzel left.
Pretzel Guy: We do.
Michael Scott: Thank God.
Pretzel Guy: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&Ms, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallows, nuts, toffee nuts, coconut, peanut butter drizzle, Oreo, sprinkles, cotton candy bits and powdered sugar.
Michael Scott: Is there any way that you could do all of them? The works.
Pretzel Guy: You got it.
Michael Scott: All right! Thank you.

Quote from Ryan

Dwight K. Schrute: Please be seated.
Ryan: What was that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan: Is that your cousin Mose?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: What is the greatest danger facing Dunder Mifflin?
Ryan: Outsourcing and consolidation of competition.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wrong. Flash floods. What is the true cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?
Ryan: Depression?
Dwight K. Schrute: Wrong. He hated himself. What is the Dharma Initiative?

Quote from Angela

Kelly: I can't believe that Ryan is not back yet. Where could they be?
Angela: Sales take a long time.
Kelly: Oh, my God, I'm so worried.
Angela: I'm sure Dwight will protect him.
Kelly: I don't know, Dwight's so weird.
Angela: He's not weird, he's just individualistic.
Kelly: No, he's a freak.
Angela: You're a freak!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry, too. Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat-back bacon, and look, something he whittled.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Establish time frames. Keep the phrase "real dollars" in their heads. And always keep the power in the conversation. That's why you're losing them on the cold calls. 'Cause you say the word "please" too much.
Ryan: Wait, can you go back-
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael always says, "K- I-S-S." "Keep It Simple Stupid," great advice, hurts my feelings every time.

Quote from Ryan

Ryan: Okay, I'm going to establish time frames.
Dwight K. Schrute: Good.
Ryan: I'm gonna put everything in terms of real dollars.
Dwight K. Schrute: Right.
Ryan: I'm gonna ask a lot of questions that all have, sort of, positive answers. Then I can say, "That would be better" or, "We would like that." That sort of thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exactly, yeah. That's good.
Ryan: I am going to try to be confident but not cocky.

Quote from Ryan

[Ryan grabs an egg from Dwight's car and gets ready to lob it at the Axelrod office]
Dwight K. Schrute: What are you doing? Oh, no, no, no! No! Ryan! Yes! Ryan the temp, yeah! Come on! Come on! Courtesy of Dunder Mifflin! Come on, drive!
Ryan: You drive!

Quote from Pam

Jim: [on the phone] Why are you still there?
Pam: I had to work late. Jan's making me keep a log of everything Michael does all day.
Jim: Oh, wow! Do you think you could send me a copy of that?
Pam: Yeah, totally.

Quote from Pam

Pam: [on the phone] Everything's pretty much the same here.
Jim: Oh, good.
Pam: A little different. What time is it there?
Jim: What time is it here? We're in the same time zone.
Pam: Yeah, right.
Jim: How far away did you think we were?
Pam: I don't know. It felt far.
Jim: Yeah.

Quote from Jim

Jim: [on the phone] I have a question for you.
Pam: What?
Jim: How many words per minute does the average person type?
Pam: I type 90.
Jim: Shut up. Mavis Beacon doesn't even type 90.
Pam: It's true.
Jim: Okay, I said "average."
Pam: Seventy? How many do you type?
Jim: Forget it. I was just about to brag. Forget it.
Pam: Come on. Tell me.
Jim: No.
Pam: No. You have to tell me now.
Jim: Sixty-five. Okay, no need to laugh.
Pam: No, that's respectable.
Jim: Respectable?

Quote from Pam

Pam: So, okay, I'm watching the movie, by myself.
Jim: Right.
Pam: Because I just wanted a relaxing evening at home.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: And I'm freaking out.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: That movie is so scary.
Jim: I know.
Pam: But I'm holding on because I keep waiting for Sandra Bullock to show up.
Jim: No way! How do you confuse 28 Days with 28 Days Later?
Pam: Because I got it at Blockbuster and they don't put the pictures on the box.
Jim: No, you're making this up.
Pam: Would I make that up?
Jim: Yes. Fancy new Beesly would make that up. New apartment, new stories...

Quote from Jim

Pam: Oh, yeah, my fancy new apartment. I have one bedroom, one bathroom and a closet.
Jim: And how many kitchens?
Pam: I have one kitchen.
Jim: Well, you got totally taken for a ride, Beesly.
Pam: It's actually-
Jim: Most apartments these days have like three-
Pam: Three kitchens?
Jim: Yes. How are you gonna cook every meal of the day in one kitchen?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael Scott: Nothing.
Jan: Nothing?
Michael Scott: Yeah, nothing. How was your day?
Jan: I don't care how your day was, Michael.
Michael Scott: Wow. Well, okay. I don't care how your day was either, Jan. I was just asking you because you asked me. Why do you set me up like that?

Quote from Michael Scott

Jan: Tell me what you did yesterday.
Michael Scott: I worked. And then I went home to my condo, and Carole came over and we had sex. Is that what you want to hear?

Quote from Jan

Jan: Hi, Pam.
Pam: Hi.
Jan: I'm great. So, Pam, I'd like you to keep a log of everything Michael does, hour-by-hour, so that we can analyze it at corporate, okay?
Pam: Oh, I don't know if I'm-
Jan: Thanks, Pam.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: So, you excited?
Ryan: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Very excited?
Ryan: Yes, I'm very excited.
Dwight K. Schrute: Extremely excited? Just very? That's cool.

Quote from Karen

Karen: Hey. What? My chair's squeaking.
Jim: Is it?
Karen: You took my chair.
Jim: No, I didn't. I took back the chair that you took from me, but I didn't take your chair.
Karen: When you get up, I'm just gonna take it back anyway, so-
Jim: So I guess I can't get up?

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Do you know where we are, temp?
Ryan: I know where we're not.
Dwight K. Schrute: I hold in my hand a beet seed. Take it. [Dwight closes his palm, then opens again] When you- [Ryan grabs the seed before Dwight has a chance to close his palm again] Damn it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, Big Tuna, can I talk to you for a second?
Jim: Sure.
Andy: Can you stand up and talk to me over there?
Karen: That's it? That's what you came up with?
Andy: I am acting my heart out here.
Karen: Really?
Andy: Yeah, really. You asked for my help, so I helped.

Quote from Kelly

Kelly: 'Cause they were acting all tough and everything,
Michael Scott: Uh-huh.
Kelly: But what they were rapping about was cupcakes and The Chronicles of Narnia. God, who invented cupcakes, right?
Michael Scott: I don't know I want to kill them.

Quote from Jim

[As Karen rocks back and forth on her squeaky chair]
Jim: [singing] Love me, love me Say that you love me Fool me, fool me
Karen: Stop.
Jim: Go on and fool me Love me, love me Say that you love me
Karen: This is not fair. It's gonna be in my head all day. Please.
Jim: Fool me, fool me Go on and fool me Love me, love me Say that you love me
Karen: This is not a proportionate response.
Jim: Fool me, fool me Go on and fool me

Quote from Andy

Andy: [singing, to camera] I don't care about anything but you- Whatever happened to those guys?

Quote from Michael Scott

Pam: You know, I just think that it's really important that you be productive today.
Michael Scott: Pam, productivity starts with patience and determination. [As Arnold Schwarzenegger] I'll be back.

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: It is time for your next test. You have planted the beet seed. You have walked the long, lonely walk of loneliness-
Ryan: Look, man, I was in a frat in college, so I know what you're doing. I get it.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know what your problem is? You know why you haven't made any sales? 'Cause you think you know everything. You have to trust that maybe there are other people that can teach you things. Are you ready to learn? Are you ready for the final test?
Ryan: Yeah.
Dwight K. Schrute: Come on!

Quote from Dwight K. Schrute

Dwight K. Schrute: Final question, young Ryan Howard. What is Michael Scott's greatest fear?
Ryan: Um... Loneliness. Maybe women.
Dwight K. Schrute: Wrong. He's not afraid of anything. Also, I would have accepted snakes. Fear is what it's all about. You cannot sell while undergoing fear. You need to vanquish fear! One must wrestle fear to the ground.
You will now wrestle my cousin Mose!
Ryan: No. Okay. It's over, this is over. Okay?

Quote from Michael Scott

Michael Scott: Hey, Coselli. The Cos, Cosby. [as Bill Cosby] Hey, hey, hey! I love Jell-O Pudding Pops. My son, Theo, loves Jell-O Pudding Pops, too.


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