Dwight K. Schrute: Brain teaser. I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight K. Schrute: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There is no way I can operate on this boy",
Ryan: "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight K. Schrute: A man is found hanging from the ceiling-
Ryan: He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight K. Schrute: A hunter-
Ryan: It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.

Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that's too small, drive my daughter to a school that's too expensive.
And then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But, on pretzel day... Well, I like pretzel day.

Dwight K. Schrute: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Dwight K. Schrute: [chanting as Ryan chugs his beer] Temp! Temp! Temp! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Ryan! Yes! Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: I think about that all the time.

Dwight K. Schrute: I am very excited. Ryan hasn't made a sale yet. But more importantly, he hasn't made an ally yet. Is he gonna be a slacker, loser, wise-ass like Jim was, or is he gonna join the Dwight Army of Champions?

Dwight K. Schrute: Mose is my cousin and he lives here. He will always be my best friend. Unless things go well with Ryan today, in which case, I won't hang out with Mose so much anymore.

Michael Scott: Oh, hey everyone! I am officially streamlining the efficiency of this corporation. Second, I-
Toby: Second?
Michael Scott: Yes, second, Toby. Second, I am insisting on increased accountability from every single one of you.
Kevin: Account- Michael, what is going on?
Michael Scott: And I will be taking questions.
Pam: Did you have a lot of sugar today, Michael?
Phyllis: What's on your suit?
Michael Scott: Caramel dip. But, one question at a time, please. Phyllis, Stanley, I want you to switch desks. I am going to re-organize and restructure the physical layout of the office to maximize everything. I think we're getting a lot done, don't you, on paper at least? And we are, after all, a paper company, are we not? Are we not? Are we not? Are you with me? Are you with me? Thank you very much.

Stanley: Three hundred, sixty-four days till the next pretzel day.

Ryan: They really didn't like me.
Dwight K. Schrute: They did not. But they didn't have to say it to your face.
Ryan: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.
Dwight K. Schrute: Not everything's a lesson, Ryan. Sometimes you just fail. It's those online paper jerks. The whole business is changing. You know what? They're gonna be screwed once this whole Internet fad is over.

Dwight K. Schrute: Please be seated.
Ryan: What was that?
Dwight K. Schrute: Pay no attention to the spirits that haunt this hallowed ground.
Ryan: Is that your cousin Mose?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.