TV Quotes

Zoey: Ted! Ted! What is that?
Ted: Oh, my God! It's the cock-a-mouse!
Zoey: The what?
Ted: Cock-a-mouse. Part cockroach, part mouse. It used to live in our apartment. It must've settled here. And, oh, look! It had babies. Good for it!
Zoey: Ew. I give up. You win. Let's go.
Ted: Be well, my friends!

Ben: I'm sorry. I don't think you're the kind of person we're looking for. I just got off the phone with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB.
[flashback to Arthur on the phone:]
Arthur: Oh, yeah. I worked with Marshall Eriksen. At least I did when he actually showed up.
[fantasy scene of a tattooed Marshall wearing sunglasses and a sleeveless suit jacket:]
Arthur: Marshall! Hey, it's... it's 2:30. If it's no big deal, we'd sure love it if you tried to get here at least before lunch.
Marshall: Yeah? And I'd sure love to give a rat's ass.
[fantasy:]
Woman: Oh! Mr. Eriksen, you're not wearing any pants.
Marshall: Your move. [throws a plastic bottle in the bin]
Arthur: But, Marshall, what about the environment?
Marshall: Screw the environment!
[back to the phone call:]
Ben: "Screw the environment"?
Arthur: Oh, yeah. We fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office with an even cuter seal. Guy's a maniac. He's just an awful, flatulent racist.

Barney: Invitations for the demolition of the Arcadian. As head of the project, I get to decide how we knock it down. I'm torn between training an actual coyote to use an Acme dynamite plunger or hooking up a fuse to Eddie Van Halen's guitar that goes off the second he hits the last note to "Hot For Teacher."

Marshall: Barney, your wife just called from the hospital. It's a boy!
[The woman Barney was talking to walks away]
Future Ted: [v.o.] This went on for days.
[later:]
Marshall: Congratulations. You're about to be the 250th girl that Barney has slept with.
Barney: Try 283. 250 was months ago. [to the woman, who's about to walk away] No, no, no. I mean, you're totally 250, baby. No, no!
Marshall: Oh, bye-bye.
[later:]
Marshall: Mr. Stinson, I had to rush down as soon as I got your results. I'm sorry, but your crabs have super herpes.

Robin: Wait. You know what? These guys are not gonna get all mushy sober. We need to get these bitches drunk.
Lily: Yes, but the right kind of drunk. Uh, we should go with something mellow. Maybe red wine?
Robin: Oh, I don't know. Red wine has kind of an odd effect on Barney. He reaches a point of sad clarity.
[flashback to Barney drinking wine at MacLaren's on New Year's Eve:]
Crowd: Ten, nine, eight...
Barney: I'm a B-plus.
Crowd: seven, six...
Barney: My whole life I was hoping to be an "A," and I'm a B-plus.
Crowd: three, two, one!
Barney: And I'm okay with that.
Crowd: Happy New Year!

Lily: Peppermint schnapps?
Robin: No! Peppermint schnapps turns Barney into Richard Dawson.
Lily: Who?
Robin: The crazy old host of Family Feud who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth.
[flashback to Barney at MacLaren's kissing every woman he sees:]
Barney: Hey there, darlin'. How you doin'? Hi. Is this your sister? Mmm, mmm. Beautiful! Mmm. Mmm.
Ted: Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Barney: Show me "chicken wings"!
All: Ah! Good order, Ted!

Ted: Dust just flew out of that comforter in the shape of a skull.
Zoey: Ooh, something just passed through me. Can you get S.T.D.'s from the ghost of a prostitute?

Robin: While no one wants to see a, uh, coyote... wearing a little hard hat more than me... remember, Zoey's protest could still shut your whole project down.
Barney: Oh, come on! Zoey's not shutting anything down, standing out there with her stupid megaphone,
screaming in the wind, butt cheeks trembling with fury, her perky breasts heaving, her self-righteous nipples...
Ted: Dude, that's my girlfriend.

Barney: Point is, we are takin' her and the Arcadian down. Am I right, Teddy Westside?
Ted: You know it!
Barney: Ha-ha!
Lily: Okay, see, that's so weird to me. One second you're defending Zoey and the next you're talking about her going down.
Barney: Glad to know she's also mouthy in a good way. What up? [to Lily] Dude, that's his girlfriend.

Lily: So, every time the Arcadian comes up you guys just awkwardly change the subject?
Ted: Yeah. But you'd be surprised. Doesn't even come up that often.
Zoey: Hey, guys.
Ted: Hey.
Zoey: Meet the new lawyer I hired to help save the Arcadian.
Ted: So, Oprah's retiring. Oof! What's that world gonna be like?