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‘The Perfect Cocktail’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

How I Met Your Mother: The Perfect Cocktail

622. The Perfect Cocktail

Aired May 2, 2011

Barney is offended when Marshall joins Zoey's crusade against the destruction of the Arcadian Hotel, so Robin and Lily try to find the right combination of cocktails to help the friends patch things up. Meanwhile, Ted plans a romantic weekend away with Zoey.

Quote from Ted

Zoey: Ted! Ted! What is that?
Ted: Oh, my God! It's the cock-a-mouse!
Zoey: The what?
Ted: Cock-a-mouse. Part cockroach, part mouse. It used to live in our apartment. It must've settled here. And, oh, look! It had babies. Good for it!
Zoey: Ew. I give up. You win. Let's go.
Ted: Be well, my friends!

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Quote from Marshall

Ben: I'm sorry. I don't think you're the kind of person we're looking for. I just got off the phone with Arthur Hobbs over at GNB.
[flashback to Arthur on the phone:]
Arthur: Oh, yeah. I worked with Marshall Eriksen. At least I did when he actually showed up.
[fantasy scene of a tattooed Marshall wearing sunglasses and a sleeveless suit jacket:]
Arthur: Marshall! Hey, it's... it's 2:30. If it's no big deal, we'd sure love it if you tried to get here at least before lunch.
Marshall: Yeah? And I'd sure love to give a rat's ass.
[fantasy:]
Woman: Oh! Mr. Eriksen, you're not wearing any pants.
Marshall: Your move. [throws a plastic bottle in the bin]
Arthur: But, Marshall, what about the environment?
Marshall: Screw the environment!
[back to the phone call:]
Ben: "Screw the environment"?
Arthur: Oh, yeah. We fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office with an even cuter seal. Guy's a maniac. He's just an awful, flatulent racist.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Invitations for the demolition of the Arcadian. As head of the project, I get to decide how we knock it down. I'm torn between training an actual coyote to use an Acme dynamite plunger or hooking up a fuse to Eddie Van Halen's guitar that goes off the second he hits the last note to "Hot For Teacher."

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Barney, your wife just called from the hospital. It's a boy!
[The woman Barney was talking to walks away]
Future Ted: [v.o.] This went on for days.
[later:]
Marshall: Congratulations. You're about to be the 250th girl that Barney has slept with.
Barney: Try 283. 250 was months ago. [to the woman, who's about to walk away] No, no, no. I mean, you're totally 250, baby. No, no!
Marshall: Oh, bye-bye.
[later:]
Marshall: Mr. Stinson, I had to rush down as soon as I got your results. I'm sorry, but your crabs have super herpes.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Wait. You know what? These guys are not gonna get all mushy sober. We need to get these bitches drunk.
Lily: Yes, but the right kind of drunk. Uh, we should go with something mellow. Maybe red wine?
Robin: Oh, I don't know. Red wine has kind of an odd effect on Barney. He reaches a point of sad clarity.
[flashback to Barney drinking wine at MacLaren's on New Year's Eve:]
Crowd: Ten, nine, eight...
Barney: I'm a B-plus.
Crowd: seven, six...
Barney: My whole life I was hoping to be an "A," and I'm a B-plus.
Crowd: three, two, one!
Barney: And I'm okay with that.
Crowd: Happy New Year!

Quote from Barney

Lily: Peppermint schnapps?
Robin: No! Peppermint schnapps turns Barney into Richard Dawson.
Lily: Who?
Robin: The crazy old host of Family Feud who greeted women by kissing them on the mouth.
[flashback to Barney at MacLaren's kissing every woman he sees:]
Barney: Hey there, darlin'. How you doin'? Hi. Is this your sister? Mmm, mmm. Beautiful! Mmm. Mmm.
Ted: Hey, where are our chicken wings?
Barney: Show me "chicken wings"!
All: Ah! Good order, Ted!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Dust just flew out of that comforter in the shape of a skull.
Zoey: Ooh, something just passed through me. Can you get S.T.D.'s from the ghost of a prostitute?

Quote from Barney

Robin: While no one wants to see a, uh, coyote... wearing a little hard hat more than me... remember, Zoey's protest could still shut your whole project down.
Barney: Oh, come on! Zoey's not shutting anything down, standing out there with her stupid megaphone,
screaming in the wind, butt cheeks trembling with fury, her perky breasts heaving, her self-righteous nipples...
Ted: Dude, that's my girlfriend.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Point is, we are takin' her and the Arcadian down. Am I right, Teddy Westside?
Ted: You know it!
Barney: Ha-ha!
Lily: Okay, see, that's so weird to me. One second you're defending Zoey and the next you're talking about her going down.
Barney: Glad to know she's also mouthy in a good way. What up? [to Lily] Dude, that's his girlfriend.

Quote from Ted

Lily: So, every time the Arcadian comes up you guys just awkwardly change the subject?
Ted: Yeah. But you'd be surprised. Doesn't even come up that often.
Zoey: Hey, guys.
Ted: Hey.
Zoey: Meet the new lawyer I hired to help save the Arcadian.
Ted: So, Oprah's retiring. Oof! What's that world gonna be like?

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