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39Quotes from ‘The Slutty Pumpkin Returns’

How I Met Your Mother: The Slutty Pumpkin Returns

708. The Slutty Pumpkin Returns

Aired October 31, 2011

On Halloween, Ted finally manages to track down the girl in the Slutty Pumpkin costume. Meanwhile, Barney learns that he is a quarter Canadian, and Lily suffers from "pregnancy brain" and decides to move to the suburbs.

Quote from Robin

Barney: Why are you doing this to me?
Robin: Okay, you have been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snow blower. So now this Canuck's gonna beat on you like the drummer from Yukon Blonde hopped up on Timbits.

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Quote from Robin

Barney: Wait. Where is my cash?
Robin: Oh, yeah, I did a little exchange for ya, Canucklehead. This Canadian dollar here is called a "loonie." And this two-dollar coin? A "toonie." True story.
Barney: It's federal currency and you people talk about it like it's a Hannah-Barbera character.
Robin: Not you people, Barney. Our people.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Yo, Canada.
Barney: What? Dammit!
Robin: Ha, you answer to "Canada" now. I'll make you a deal. You wear this costume to the Halloween party tomorrow night, I'll drop it forever.
Barney: You can't be serious.
Robin: Oh, I am as serious as a poutine shortage in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel.
Barney: I don't know what any of those words mean.
Robin: Yes. You do.

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Baby, we should put off moving.
Lily: Why?
Marshall: Because I think the pregnancy is affecting your judgment.
Lily: No, Marshall, this is an amazing opportunity that we have to take advantage of! Just because my body is growing a fungus...
Marshall: Fetus.
Lily: ...doesn't mean that my metal factories...
Marshall: Mental faculties.
Lily: ...are in any way funicular.
Marshall: No idea.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Guys? I have a very important announcement to make. I was on Facebook.
Barney: Nobody cool's on Facebook anymore.
Robin: Well, you know who is on Facebook now? Everybody's parents. And I just happen to be friends with Barney's long-lost father, Mr. Jerome Whitaker.
Marshall: Me, too. He's gotten really good at Bejeweled Blitz.
Robin: And guess who thought my status update about Manitoba was so interesting because his mother was born in Manitoba?
Barney: What?
Robin: Which means your grandmother...
Barney: No.
Robin: Which makes you...
Barney: Don't say it!
Robin: ...one-quarter Canadian! Welcome to the tribe, hoser!
Barney: No, it's not true! That's impossible!

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] For my first date with the slutty pumpkin, I took her someplace special.
Naomi: Ted, this is so romantic. The spot where we first met ten years ago. Do you remember the song that was playing that night?
Ted: I remember how beautiful you looked.
Naomi: [singing] It's been one week since you looked at me Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry."
Ted: Wow. Is that, uh, the Barenaked Ladies, huh?
Naomi: [singing] Five days since you laughed at me Saying, "Get that together. Come back and see me." [Ted kisses Naomi]
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, it took me ten years, but I finally kissed her. And it was... terrible.

Quote from Robin

Robin: It's totally a thing. Her brain is marinating in a cocktail of hormones, mood swings and jacked-up nesting instincts. I mean, yes, right now Lily is a goddess bestowing the miracle of life, but damn, she dumb!
Marshall: Well, I have noticed some stuff.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall's apartment:]
Lily: I can't find my keys or wallet anywhere!
Marshall: I found them... here in the freezer. Hey, but where are the ice cube trays?
Lily: No idea. [picks up dripping-wet purse] Those poor ice cubes! [sobs]
[present:]
Marshall: I guess she has been a little off lately.
Robin: A little? She just texted me wanting directions back from the bathroom. [to Lily, who's at the bar] Oh. We're over here! You're doing great, sweetie!

Quote from Ted

Lily: How was your big date with the Snuffy Tuffkin? The Sniffy Napkin? The Slouchy Foreskin? Oh, Lily tie-tie.
Ted: It was good... ish.
[flashback to Ted and Naomi on the roof:]
Naomi: Look, there's Orion's Belt.
Ted: Oh. [inner monologue] Why does holding hands feel this weird? Should our fingers not intertwine? What's causing that pinching feeling? I'll just cup her hand. There. That's... not great. Her hair's up my nose. Her shoulder's jabbing into my windpipe. Maybe if we reposition. I have to say something. She must be feeling it, too.
Naomi: This feels so right. We fit like two puzzle pieces.
Ted: Yeah.

Quote from Ted

Naomi: Do you want to listen to some music?
Ted: Uh-huh!
Naomi: Ted, this is our song. Let's make love to this song. [singing] Chickety China, the Chinese chicken Have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Ted: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.

Quote from Ted

[When Ted goes to the bathroom during his date, he imagines young Ted talking to him:]
Young Ted: Hey, doofus! It's me: you at age 15. And we made a deal we would always boink any chick that wants to boink us!
Ted: Yes, she's beautiful, it's just there's no connection there. I don't feel intimate with her.
Young Ted: "Intimate"? Let me remind you of some things you did feel "intimate" with when you were 15: a catcher's mitt, an oven mitt, a glass of warm water, a half-open hide-a-bed sofa, a top-loading VCR!
Ted: It's not gonna happen!
Young Ted: Come on! It'll take, like, 30 seconds!

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] I knew it would be tough to break up with Naomi. But when it's just not there, you can't force it.
Ted: Happy Halloween.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And just like that, I was taken back ten years to the hopeful kid in the hanging chad costume, falling head over heels for the Slutty Pumpkin.
Naomi: I made you something.
Ted: Oh.
Naomi: Your costume from that first night. Although you do realize that even ten years ago, the hanging chad reference was like almost a year old.
Ted: Wow. I can't believe you made this.
Naomi: I can't believe you found me.
Ted: [inner monologue] Stay strong, Teddy. We can do this. [out loud] I... [i/m] "Have to break up with you,"
just say it. [o/l] Love... [i/m] Wait, what? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Say sunsets! Pancakes! Anything! Just don't say... [o/l] You. [i/m] No!

Quote from Robin

Robin: [on the phone] Barney? Where are you? You're moving slower than John Diefenbaker climbing Mount Hungabee on Boxing Day. Those are all real references to our shared homeland.
Barney: I'll be right there.
Robin: Can't wait to see you in your costume, Dudley Do-Right.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [leads chant] USA! USA! Come on.
Robin: Okay, so rather than wearing a Mountie costume and end this forever, you show up shirtless to an outdoor party? It's practically November.
Barney: No biggie. I ain't cold.
Robin: Huh. Interesting. It's fascinating. Almost as if your body was accustomed to low temperatures after generations of adapting. Canada.
Barney: No.

Quote from Ted

[flashback to Ted and Naomi on the roof:]
Naomi: [inner monologue] Why won't he stop sniffing my hair? And what's up with the hand holding
It's like he's trying to win a thumb war.
[flashback to Ted and Naomi in her apartment:]
Naomi: Ted, this is our song. [inner monologue] Oh, no, he thinks I'm actually into this song. Does he not get sarcasm? [outloud] Let's make love to this song. [inner monologue] I'll just be even more ridiculous to make it clear it's a joke. [singing] Chickety-China, the Chinese chicken...
[flashback to Ted and Naomi at her door:]
Ted: I...
Naomi: [inner monologue] Uh-oh, where you going with this, buddy?
Ted: ...love...
Naomi: [inner monologue] Nope, too soon. Say basset hounds, Pretzel Crisps, anything but...
Ted: ...you.
Naomi: [inner monologue] Oh, God, just kiss him before he proposes.

Quote from Barney

[fantasy scene with two Barneys, one dressed as Uncle Sam and another as a Canadian Mountie:]
Barney: [Canadian accent] Oh, hey there, I'm Barney, how are you?
Barney: No, I'm Barney. [punches Canadian Barney] Whoa.
Barney: [Canadian accent] You pack quite a wallop there. Hope you didn't hurt your hand.
Barney: Why are you so nice? [smashes vase over his head]
Barney: [Canadian accent] Oh, sorry about my thick noodle there. How about we split the cost of the vase, eh? Holy Zamboni. Wow, you really put your weight behind that one. That was a really good one. Oh, heavens to Gretzky, that was a real Chiclet rattler.


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