Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Barney: Jesus.
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.

Ted: I just got that girl's number. Check it out. Holli.
Barney: Nice. Girls whose names end in L-Y are always dirty. Holli, Kelly, Carly, Lily.
Marshall: Hey! Oh, yeah, I know it's true.
Barney: And don't even get me started on girls whose names should end in Y, but instead end in I. Those girls are like roller coasters. You got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't drop your keys.

Robin: So you might as well tell them you're on to them.
Ted: Yeah. Or... I text them something that will really mess with their heads.
Robin: Oh, I gotcha. Okay. How about... "I haven't told any of my friends yet, but I only have three months to live"?
Ted: Not bad. How about "I once killed a man with a shovel, and those feelings are creeping up again"?
Robin: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I liked that thing someone said before about having three months to live.
Ted: How about "I never told anyone this, but I slept with my best friend's mom"?
Robin: Oh, that is good, but I feel like we keep coming back to that three months to live thing.

[Ted reading Holli's text in the apartment:]
Holli: "And when we finally come together, I want you to..."
[flashback to Stan telling this to Barney and Marshall at MacLaren's:]
Stan: hold me. Hold me all night. Stroke my hair. Tell me I'm a woman and show me you're a man. Until there there was only now. You and I... and now.
Marshall: Yes! You want me to text that to Ted. I know that.
[back to Ted reading the text in Holli's voice:]
Holli: "I do not ask of the night explanations. I wait for it, and it envelops me, and so you and bread and light and shadow are."
[flashback:]
Stan: That's Pablo Neruda.
Marshall: I don't know... what bread was doing in there, but that touched me here and here.
Barney: Well, if Ted won't say it, I will. I love you.
Stan: That's cool.

Ted: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call her right now. I'm gonna do that whole, "Remember me? It's been so long". See, it's funny because I just saw her.
Barney: Dude, you can't call her. You have to wait 3 days to call a woman. That's the rule.
Ted: Barney, that rule is completely played out. Girls know exactly what you're doing. Hey, I got a new rule. It's kind of crazy, but I call it, "you like her, you call her".
Barney: I'm sorry. Can you repeat that? I don't speak "I never get laid".

Robin: Is that Holli who keeps texting you? Didn't you promise to wait three days?
Ted: To call, yes. Texting is totally different.
Robin: Okay, well, just try to keep the naked lady noises to a minimum.
Ted: I don't make a naked lady noise.
Robin: Really? [Robin unties her robe and flashes Ted]
Ted: [chortles]

Future Ted: [v.o.] Holli and I stayed up texting until 2:00 in the morning. And we spent the whole next day texting each other, too. She seemed perfect.
Ted: Holli just told me what she's wearing right now. It is pretty hot.
Robin: Yeah, whatever it is, I can guarantee you she's not wearing it. She's lying to make you like her.
Ted: How do you know that?
Robin: Umm. Because no woman in the history of the world is ever "Just sitting around reading architecture magazines in my old cheerleader uniform."
Ted: Okay, maybe she's lying about the architecture magazines.

Marshall: Look, it's been a while since Ted really liked someone. He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up. We just... We thought we'd get him to say "I love you" before he makes contact with this girl.
Barney: And you can tell it's on the way. He's exhibiting all the telltale signs.
Marshall: Yeah. One: He joked about getting married.
Barney: "You like architecture? We should get married. "Ha-ha. LOL. Just kidding. Question mark."
Marshall: Two: He made a crazy way too soon trip suggestion.
Barney: "I like beer, too. We should totally go to Germany together. LOL. JK. LOL."
Marshall: And three: He got way too personal way too soon. "Yeah, my parents got divorced a couple years back. It was really tough. LOL."
Robin: And he clearly doesn't know what LOL means.

Marshall: Yeah, but here's the real problem. Ted wasn't saying "I love you" as easily as we thought he would.
Barney: Then we met... Stan.
[flashback to Barney and Marshall laughing in the booth in MacLaren's:]
Stan: Why are you making so much noise, man?
[present:]
Marshall: So we explained everything to him, and when we were done, something amazing happened.
[flashback to Barney and Marshall sitting with Stan in the booth in MacLaren's:]
Stan: Why don't you tell Ted that just knowing he's out there, thinking about you, caring about you, makes you feel safe? So, all your fears, all your yesterdays wash away, and only hope remains in the promise of his embrace.

Robin: Wow. Go, Stan. Who is this guy?
Barney: He's a security guard who works nights.
Marshall: And he eats lunch at MacLaren's every day.
Barney: And he wasn't done.
Marshall: Not by a long shot.
[flashback to Barney and Marshall sitting with Stan in the booth in MacLaren's:]
Stan: You make me thank God for every mistake I ever made because each one led me down the path that brought me to you.
Marshall: That's, like, really nice, man.
Barney: [holding back tears] Whatever. It's okay.