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39Quotes from ‘The Fortress’

How I Met Your Mother: The Fortress

819. The Fortress

Aired March 18, 2013

After Robin asks Barney to sell his apartment, his "Fortress of Barnitude", he makes sure potential buyers know all about the unique features he installed. Meanwhile, Marshall is upset by hwo much time Lily is spending at work for The Captain.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Hey, with the wedding so close, maybe we should talk about where we're going to live.
Barney: Fine, enough. Stop begging. We'll live here. But you owe me.
Robin: Yeah, I don't know. There's just a lot of things I don't totally love about your apartment.
Barney: Like what?
Robin: Well, for example, why is your bed on what look like train tracks?
Barney: [chuckles]
[flashback to Barney in bed with a woman:]
Woman: You were wonderful.
Barney: Well, you don't get to be a state-certified orgasmologist without learning how to please a woman.
Woman: You don't mind if I spend the night, do you?
Barney: Um, how else are we gonna get to know each other on a deeper level? Excuse me, I just have to log
tonight's orgasms with the licensing board.
[Barney gets out of bed and pulls a vase on the counter. The bed suddenly starts to recede into the wall. A new bed appears below it and raises into place.]
[present:]
Barney: The Ho-be-gone Sleep System by Stinson, patent pending.
Robin: What is on the other side of the wall? Where do the hos go?
Barney: [scoffs] What am I, a contractor?

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Quote from Ted

Ted: Well, you know what might cheer you up?
Marshall: Hmm?
Ted: There's a new Woodworthy Manor on tonight.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Woodworthy Manor was a show about an upper class English estate at the beginning of the 20th century.
Man: [on TV, British accent] My word! You can't possibly mean...
Woman: [on TV, British accent] But I do! With the succession of Lady Eastbrooke to Viscountess of Marlyemead, our cousin Baldrick becomes... the Earl of Witherstead.
Ted: The Earl of Witherstead! I only posted that prediction 15 times on the forums!

Quote from Barney

Ted: Barney?
Barney: [as a floating head hologram] My son.
Ted: Barney, enough with the floating Jor-El head from the Fortress of Solitude in Superman, okay? It's getting old.
Barney: I only use it to say really important stuff.
Ted: Last time you used it to tell me Wendy's had introduced a spicy version of "The Baconator".
Barney: Exactly. And now, my son, it is time for me to bestow on you...
Ted: Can we just talk face-to-face like normal people?
Barney: Ted, just... Just... Okay? My son, it is time for me to bestow on you... [Ted opens the door to the closet where Barney is recording himself] Close the door.
Ted: No. This is...
Barney: Oh, my God, can you just be cool? Once? Please? Just once? Can you just once be cool? Once? Please?

Quote from Barney

Barney: [as a floating head, like Jor-El] My son for many years this apartment has been my Fortress of Barnitude. But now the time has come for me to pass it on. Soon, this place will become your "Fortress of Soli-Ted".
Ted: Barney, I wouldn't live here even if you scrubbed every inch of this place with Purell, amoxicillin and holy water.
Barney: Fine. But I think we can both agree, it would be totally awesome to see my deal floating around all huge-like on the big Jor-El cam. Hold on. Now, it's a little cold here in the Fortress, so don't judge the si...
[Ted places a chair up against the door handle of the closet Barney is filming in]
Barney: Ted, wait. What did you... That's... okay, that's not funny. Ted, open the... Uh, walls closing in. I can't... Can't breathe. Must... show deal on Jor-El cam... I can't... [passes out]

Quote from Barney

Man: Oh, is this part of a security system?
Barney: Sort of. It's connected to the welcome mat. You see... Let's say the young lady you're bringing home is dressed for winter. Under those layers, an unwelcome surprise could await you. The scale with body fat calculator I've hidden under the welcome mat makes sure you never have banger's remorse. The Heavy Set Go by Stinson, patent pending. 'Cause there's only one kind of chubby you want in the bedroom. Am I right, people? [laughs] This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Quote from Barney

Man: Wow, great view.
Barney: And customizable. Let's say you promised a girl a surprise trip to the most romantic place on Earth.
[flashback to Barney leading a blind-folded woman into the apartment:]
Barney: No peeking.
Woman: Wow, we must've gone far. We were on your private jet for, like, six hours.
Barney: Well, you definitely weren't on a bus to Delaware and back wearing earplugs, I'll tell you that much. And I think you'll agree it was worth the wait once you see the view. Et voila ma charie.
Woman: Oh, my God. You flew me to Vegas?
Barney: It's... it's Par... Well, hey, whatever works, whatever...
[present:]
Barney: The Room With a Screw by Stinson, patent pending.

Quote from Barney

Robin: I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to drive people away.
Barney: No, I'm not. I'm just trying to show off all of its one-of-a-kind features. See, see, there's also... Venice. Niagara Falls, African safari. Oh, and my favorite, huh? Nothing gets a girl to go from "on the fence" to "on all fours" faster than thinking everyone she's ever held dear is a glowing pile of ash. Mushroom cloud five.

Quote from Barney

Robin: We need to go into this marriage with a fresh start. What do you say we find a new place together?
Barney: I love you. And if that will make you happy, then let's do it. [they kiss] Wow, so we need to find an apartment where I haven't banged someone? How do you feel about Cleveland? [Robin chuckles] Nope. Ted's mom.

Quote from The Captain

Future Ted: [v.o.] Lily had just started a job as the art consultant for an eccentric billionaire, the Captain.
Lily: [answers phone] Ahoy. There's a hot new artist in Red Hook.
The Captain: He's molded world currency into a sculpture of a soulless plutocrat defecating on the poor. A scathing indictment of capitalism. I'll go as high as $200K as long as you think I can flip it for double in six months.
Lily: Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Quote from The Captain

Lily: [answers phone] Ahoy.
The Captain: There's this gorgeously delicate impressionist still life, reminiscent of Monet's water lilies.
Lily: Where is it?
The Captain: Rikers Island. The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences for aggravated homicide. I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Wait a minute, that's it? Ted wasn't interested in buying your apartment, so you just gave up? Barney, I gave up my beautiful two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side that was rent-free and the landlord hand-washed all my delicates. Which is probably why it was rent-free. The point is, I need to buy all new underwear, and you agreed that we would find a new place together. Oh, God, Barney, relationships are about trust and compromise. You can't just...
[Barney triggers the Ho-be-gone Sleep System, making the bed disappear]
Robin: Oh, you are so dead. If I ever figure a way out of here, I will make your life a living...

Quote from Ted

Ted: Well, you know what might take both our minds off that? A little, [clears throat], Woodworthy Manor.
Marshall: No, I can't. I promised Lily that I would wait and watch it with her. And I feel like I'd be cheating on her.
Ted: Sure, sure, sure, sure, I get all that. It's just... You know, tonight they're gonna finally reveal who framed the chimney sweep for stealing Lord Stoutshire's gooseberries.
Marshall: And reveal the winner of the local gardening competition. I don't know how they're going to pack all that action into one episode.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Later that week, Barney came home to discover that Robin had a little surprise waiting for him.
Barney: Wha...? Mimosas?
Robin: Mm-hmm.
Barney: Freshly-baked cookie smell? A middle-aged woman in a red blazer? I see what this is. You finally green-lit my orgy idea!
Robin: Okay. It's an open house, Barney. Say good-bye to your fortress.
Barney: If we weren't about to have an orgy, I'd be so mad at you right now.

Quote from Barney

Realtor: If you'll follow me into the bedroom, I'll show you some beautiful woodwork.
Barney: I am way too upset right now to point out how many women have seen some beautiful woodwork in there. Angry self five! Rah!

Quote from Marshall

Lily: I don't want to tell you and Emsbry how to raise your child, but I think if you keep letting him nap, he's gonna be up all night.
Marshall: Funny, you sound like someone who's been around for his bedtime lately. Uh, can somebody get
this lady a storefront 'cause she needs to mind her own business, mm-kay? [crowd applaud]

Quote from Barney

Woman: What's this?
Robin: Oh, God.
Barney: Only the best thing ever. Let's say you had a wonderful night with a girl, but now she's turning into a bit of a morning-after pill.
[flashback to Barney disappearing into the floor in his kitchen. Outside, a suited-up body falls out of a chute and lands hard on the ground, horrifically injured:]
Barney: See? We need to extend the chute and add a landing spot. And you said testing it with a dummy was a waste of time.
Ted: No, I said "dressing the dummy" was a waste of time.
[present:]
Barney: The Escape From Bitch Mountain by Stinson, patent pending.

Quote from Barney

Robin: He's kidding, it's just, you know, in case of fire.
Barney: No, but I'm glad you mentioned fire. See those smoke detectors? Say these words.
Woman: "I'm looking for a deeper commitment".
[sprinklers go off]
Barney: It's also triggered by "I'm too tired," "Let's snuggle," and "I'm a week late".
Robin: Barney, I'm getting wet.
Barney: And that turns it off.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I've been thinking and I realized something. The Fortress of Solitude is where Superman went to be alone. And I never want to be alone again.
Robin: Thank you, Barney, that really...
Barney: But then I remembered in Superman II, Superman gave up all his powers to be with Lois Lane, and he was honestly kind of a vag after that.
Robin: Oh, buddy, just quit while...
Barney: Now, Superman III was a complete train wreck totally.
Robin: What's your point?
Barney: That... that I love you. And I'm giving up my apartment for you. And that the Superman films are uneven.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Congrats. You guys are getting a fantastic apartment. I mean, I know some of the features are a little weird.
Woman: A little?
Man: We're gonna rip this thing down to the studs.
Robin: I get it. But, I mean, some things might be worth saving.
Woman: I don't see any.
Robin: You don't see any? Sure some of the stuff in here is creepy, but it's also brilliant. I mean, a lot of geniuses were kind of pervy. Look at Thomas Edison. Why do you think that lightbulbs are boob-shaped?
Man: Yeah, we're taking a wrecking ball to this place and turning it into something actually fit for humans.
Robin: [laughs] Excuse me. [goes to the cupboard and uses the Jor-El head] Get out! The Fortress of Barnitude is no longer for sale. Also your husband has been staring at my ass all afternoon so don't act all high-and-mighty.


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