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‘The Fortress’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

How I Met Your Mother: The Fortress

819. The Fortress

Aired March 18, 2013

After Robin asks Barney to sell his apartment, his "Fortress of Barnitude", he makes sure potential buyers know all about the unique features he installed. Meanwhile, Marshall is upset by hwo much time Lily is spending at work for The Captain.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Hey, with the wedding so close, maybe we should talk about where we're going to live.
Barney: Fine, enough. Stop begging. We'll live here. But you owe me.
Robin: Yeah, I don't know. There's just a lot of things I don't totally love about your apartment.
Barney: Like what?
Robin: Well, for example, why is your bed on what look like train tracks?
Barney: [chuckles]
[flashback to Barney in bed with a woman:]
Woman: You were wonderful.
Barney: Well, you don't get to be a state-certified orgasmologist without learning how to please a woman.
Woman: You don't mind if I spend the night, do you?
Barney: Um, how else are we gonna get to know each other on a deeper level? Excuse me, I just have to log
tonight's orgasms with the licensing board.
[Barney gets out of bed and pulls a vase on the counter. The bed suddenly starts to recede into the wall. A new bed appears below it and raises into place.]
[present:]
Barney: The Ho-be-gone Sleep System by Stinson, patent pending.
Robin: What is on the other side of the wall? Where do the hos go?
Barney: [scoffs] What am I, a contractor?

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Quote from Ted

Ted: Well, you know what might cheer you up?
Marshall: Hmm?
Ted: There's a new Woodworthy Manor on tonight.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Woodworthy Manor was a show about an upper class English estate at the beginning of the 20th century.
Man: [on TV, British accent] My word! You can't possibly mean...
Woman: [on TV, British accent] But I do! With the succession of Lady Eastbrooke to Viscountess of Marlyemead, our cousin Baldrick becomes... the Earl of Witherstead.
Ted: The Earl of Witherstead! I only posted that prediction 15 times on the forums!

Quote from Barney

Ted: Barney?
Barney: [as a floating head hologram] My son.
Ted: Barney, enough with the floating Jor-El head from the Fortress of Solitude in Superman, okay? It's getting old.
Barney: I only use it to say really important stuff.
Ted: Last time you used it to tell me Wendy's had introduced a spicy version of "The Baconator".
Barney: Exactly. And now, my son, it is time for me to bestow on you...
Ted: Can we just talk face-to-face like normal people?
Barney: Ted, just... Just... Okay? My son, it is time for me to bestow on you... [Ted opens the door to the closet where Barney is recording himself] Close the door.
Ted: No. This is...
Barney: Oh, my God, can you just be cool? Once? Please? Just once? Can you just once be cool? Once? Please?

Quote from Barney

Barney: [as a floating head, like Jor-El] My son for many years this apartment has been my Fortress of Barnitude. But now the time has come for me to pass it on. Soon, this place will become your "Fortress of Soli-Ted".
Ted: Barney, I wouldn't live here even if you scrubbed every inch of this place with Purell, amoxicillin and holy water.
Barney: Fine. But I think we can both agree, it would be totally awesome to see my deal floating around all huge-like on the big Jor-El cam. Hold on. Now, it's a little cold here in the Fortress, so don't judge the si...
[Ted places a chair up against the door handle of the closet Barney is filming in]
Barney: Ted, wait. What did you... That's... okay, that's not funny. Ted, open the... Uh, walls closing in. I can't... Can't breathe. Must... show deal on Jor-El cam... I can't... [passes out]

Quote from Barney

Man: Oh, is this part of a security system?
Barney: Sort of. It's connected to the welcome mat. You see... Let's say the young lady you're bringing home is dressed for winter. Under those layers, an unwelcome surprise could await you. The scale with body fat calculator I've hidden under the welcome mat makes sure you never have banger's remorse. The Heavy Set Go by Stinson, patent pending. 'Cause there's only one kind of chubby you want in the bedroom. Am I right, people? [laughs] This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Quote from Barney

Man: Wow, great view.
Barney: And customizable. Let's say you promised a girl a surprise trip to the most romantic place on Earth.
[flashback to Barney leading a blind-folded woman into the apartment:]
Barney: No peeking.
Woman: Wow, we must've gone far. We were on your private jet for, like, six hours.
Barney: Well, you definitely weren't on a bus to Delaware and back wearing earplugs, I'll tell you that much. And I think you'll agree it was worth the wait once you see the view. Et voila ma charie.
Woman: Oh, my God. You flew me to Vegas?
Barney: It's... it's Par... Well, hey, whatever works, whatever...
[present:]
Barney: The Room With a Screw by Stinson, patent pending.

Quote from Barney

Robin: I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to drive people away.
Barney: No, I'm not. I'm just trying to show off all of its one-of-a-kind features. See, see, there's also... Venice. Niagara Falls, African safari. Oh, and my favorite, huh? Nothing gets a girl to go from "on the fence" to "on all fours" faster than thinking everyone she's ever held dear is a glowing pile of ash. Mushroom cloud five.

Quote from Barney

Robin: We need to go into this marriage with a fresh start. What do you say we find a new place together?
Barney: I love you. And if that will make you happy, then let's do it. [they kiss] Wow, so we need to find an apartment where I haven't banged someone? How do you feel about Cleveland? [Robin chuckles] Nope. Ted's mom.

Quote from The Captain

Future Ted: [v.o.] Lily had just started a job as the art consultant for an eccentric billionaire, the Captain.
Lily: [answers phone] Ahoy. There's a hot new artist in Red Hook.
The Captain: He's molded world currency into a sculpture of a soulless plutocrat defecating on the poor. A scathing indictment of capitalism. I'll go as high as $200K as long as you think I can flip it for double in six months.
Lily: Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Quote from The Captain

Lily: [answers phone] Ahoy.
The Captain: There's this gorgeously delicate impressionist still life, reminiscent of Monet's water lilies.
Lily: Where is it?
The Captain: Rikers Island. The artist is serving two consecutive life sentences for aggravated homicide. I'm willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.

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