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61Quotes from ‘Last Forever’

How I Met Your Mother: Last Forever

923. Last Forever

Aired March 31, 2014

Ted finally finishes telling his kids the story of how he met their mother.

Quote from Ted

[2020:]
Ted: [v.o.] Aunt Lily wasn't wrong. It was at times a long, difficult road. But I'm glad it was long and difficult, because if I hadn't gone through hell to get there, the lesson might not have been as clear. You see, kids, right from the moment I met your mom, I knew... I have to love this woman as much as I can for as long as I can, and I can never stop loving her, not even for a second. I carried that lesson with me through every stupid fight we ever had, every 5:00 a.m. Christmas morning, every sleepy Sunday afternoon. Through every speed bump, every pang of jealousy or boredom or uncertainty that came our way, I carried that lesson with me. And I carried it with me when she got sick. Even then, in what can only be called the worst of times, all I could do was thank God. Thank every god there is, or ever was, or will be, and the whole universe, and anyone else I can possibly thank... that I saw that beautiful girl on that train platform, and that I had the guts to stand up, walk over to her, tap her on the shoulder, open my mouth, and speak.

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Quote from Ted

[2030:]
Ted: Okay, suppose I were interested in Aunt Robin in that way, it's not like I'd do anything about it. I got you guys to think about.
Daughter: Dad, we love Aunt Robin.
Son: Whenever she comes over for dinner, you guys are so obvious.
Daughter: Come on, Dad. Mom's been gone for six years now. It's time.
Ted: What, I just... just call her up on the phone and ask her out on a date?
Both: Yes.
Ted: And that... that's something you guys would want?
Both: Yes!
Ted: All right, I'll give her a call.
Daughter: Do it.
Ted: I am.
Son: Call her.
Ted: I'm calling her.
Daughter: Great.
Ted: Here I go. Or...
[elsewhere, Robin arrives home with five dogs]
Robin: Alright, home sweet home. Wait one second. Okay. Okay. Stay. Ah. We'll work on that. [intercom beeps] Television, display front door security. Television, dis... Oh, for Pete's sakes.
Robin: Television, display front door security. Television, dis... Oh, for Pete's sakes.
[Robin opens the window and looks down to the street. Ted is standing there. He holds up the blue french horn. Robin smiles.]
[title: how i met your mother]

Quote from Ted

[2030:]
Ted: And that, kids... is how I met your mother.
Daughter: That's it?
Ted: That's it.
Daughter: No. I don't buy it. That is not the reason you made us listen to this.
Ted: Oh, really? Then what's the reason?
Daughter: Let's look at the facts here. You made us sit down and listen to this story about how you met mom. Yet mom's hardly in the story. No. This is a story about how you're totally in love with Aunt Robin. And you're thinking about asking her out, and you want to know if we're okay with it.
Ted: I can't believe this. I kept this story short and to the point, and you guys still missed it. The point of the story is that...
Daughter: Is that you totally, totally, totally have the hots for Aunt Robin.
Ted: No, I don't.
Daughter: Yes, you do.
Ted: You're grounded.
Son: Wow, you are really into Aunt Robin.
Ted: You're grounded, too.

Quote from Barney

[2019:]
Barney: So I put together a brand-new playbook, filled with plays I'd never tried before, like, The Mannequin
here, as in the '80s classic, I magically come to life, if you know what I mean. The Jim Nacho, where I wait till a girl mentions something she likes.
[flashback - title "The Jim Nacho":]
Woman: God, I love nachos.
Barney: Thank you. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jim, Jim Nacho. Inventor of the nacho.
[back:]
Ted: So... did you get a perfect month?
Barney: Yes.
Marshall: Then why are you so upset?
Barney: That last girl, number 31...
The Mother: Oh, that's a pretty name. What is that, French?
Barney: ...she's pregnant.

Quote from Barney

[2019:]
Ted: Wait, you're messing with us, right? You didn't really get a girl pregnant?
Barney: It's real. She's pregnant.
Marshall: Kinda puts an asterisk, on the whole perfect month thing, huh?
The Mother: Barney, are you okay?
[Jim Nantz appears next to Barney in a puff of smoke]
Barney: Ah, Jim Nantz. Thank goodness. You're always here for me in times of trouble. What should I do?
Jim Nantz: You're on your own this time, bro.
[Jim Nantz disappears in a puff of smoke]
Lily: Congratulations, Papa.
Barney: Stop it. This is a disaster.
Lily: Why?
Barney: Why? Because I'm too old. I was about to enter my golden years. My Clooney years. My daddy issues years, where I don't just remind messed-up girls of their dads because I'm emotionally distant. I freaking look like their dads. That's the dream. My life is over.

Quote from The Mother

[May 2016:]
Lily: We just peeked in on Penny asleep in the baby room. It's adorable.
Marshall: The whole place looks great, guys. But I can't believe you let Ted hang his jousting lance from the renaissance fair on your bedroom wall. [chuckles]
The Mother: Yeah. That's Ted's.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Hey! Bass player. It's me. The guy from the drug store with the diapers that hit on you, then we went outside and had a deep, emotional talk on a bus bench. I... I-I'm gonna be really surprised if I have to be more specific than that. Remember when you told me to stop messing around and go get the girl? Well, check it. I got her. What about you? You still dating that guy? [The Mother shakes her head] Grape Scotch!

Quote from Barney

[Barney and Robin in Argentina in 2016:]
Barney: This is so not great.
Robin: I'm sorry that I have to work while I'm here. It's called being on assignment.
Barney: Well, what about me? There's no Wi-Fi in this hotel. How am I supposed to run a business, Robin, with no Wi-Fi?
Robin: It's not a business, Barney, it's a blog, okay?
Barney: It is a lifestyle blog. For the upscale, sophisticated urban gentleman, and it's never gonna take off if I can't post today's boner joke.

Quote from Ted

[2020:]
Lily: I can't believe it. It's Ted Mosby's wedding day!
Ted: Yes! After only seven years and two kids. Guys, am I rushing into this?

Quote from Barney

[flashback to September 2005:]
Robin: So? No. No. You-You were in. I said, "Have you met Ted" and everything. How could that not work?
Ted: I don't know, we introduced ourselves, I bought her a drink, told her I loved her...
Robin: What?
Ted: I'm kidding.
Barney: Hold on, Roxanne, if that really is your name.
Robin: It's not. It's Robin.
Barney: You played "Have You Met Ted" without me? In my bar with my Ted? Maybe stealing a bro's wingman is okay back in... I'm sorry, what's the name of this third world banana republic you claim to be from?
Robin: Canada.
Barney: I have literally never heard of that place.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here, right here...
Ted: Yeah, I-I see you, Barney. right here, right here.
Barney: Good, great. Then it's time to play a little game I like to call Have...
Ted: Yeah, Barney, I...
Barney: No, no. You are not getting out of Have You Met Ted. There's a girl that you have to meet. She is perfect for you. And has... she met you? No, she has... not. Think of all the sex you're gonna have.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Barney. [they hug] We licked the Liberty Bell.
Barney: We did?
Ted: Yeah, you... You don't remember that?
Barney: Uh, I've done a lot of cool stuff, Ted. Oh, my God. I just... I just realized: Who am I gonna high-five now?
Ted: [laughs] Come on, dude.
Barney: No, no, I'm being serious. What if I see... a pack of lions fighting a tyrannosaurus? Or, better yet, what if I see boobs. Who am I... who am I gonna high-five then?
Ted: You can high-five Marshall.
Barney: Yeah, yeah. But Marshall only likes to high-five about Lily boobs.
Marshall: Oh, always. [high-fives Barney]

Quote from Ted

[24 hours after the wedding:]
Marshall: This is so strange, you know, now that Ted's gone, it's just a... a different vibe. You can just f-feel his absence. Are you kidding me?!
Ted: Oh, hey.
Lily: Ted, what are you doing here?
Ted: Just having a drink.

Quote from Lily

[24 hours after the wedding:]
Marshall: What are you doing in New York? Aren't you supposed to be in Chicago?
Ted: No... Oh. Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Both: What?
Ted: I'm not moving to Chicago.
Lily: Why?
Ted: I met a girl.
Lily: You son of a bitch!

Quote from Lily

[24 hours after the wedding:]
Marshall: What is the matter with you? How could you put us through that? That good-bye was emotionally devastating. A certain delicate flower cried all night in the shower.
Lily: And I was pretty bummed, too.
Marshall: And now you're staying because of some girl? I mean, who is this person?
Ted: The bass player from the wedding band.
Marshall: Oh, yeah, she's great.
Lily: Love her. Right, right?
Marshall: What are you... What are you doing? Calling her.
Marshall: Don't do this. Don't call her the next day. You're blowing this. Three days. You wait three days, Ted.
Lily: Oh, the three day rule is-is a childish, manipulative mind game. But yeah, you wait three days.

Quote from Ted

Woman: Come on, go talk to her. Oh, and it'll all be because of me. And I'll sing at your wedding. [laughs] You are gonna have a big wedding, right?
Ted: What? No. Just be cool, lady. Damn. And aren't big weddings kind of a young man's game? You don't have a big wedding in your 30s. If I do ever get married, I'm keeping it simple.
[flashforward to 2015:]
Barney: A hot air balloon?
Ted: Well, yeah. I mean, when you're getting married in a 17th-century castle in France and making your entrance on a stagecoach with six white horses, you kind of got to make a big exit.
Robin: How much are you spending on this?
Ted: Oh, like, a lot of money. All of my money.

Quote from The Mother

[2015:]
The Mother: Hey. Hi, hi. Sorry I'm late. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Ted: Yeah, sure. Did you wire the down payment to the castle guy? I got a castle guy.
Barney: I've got, like, three castle guys. And a moat guy, so...
The Mother: I didn't wire the payment because I don't think we can get married in September.
Ted: What? What? Why?
The Mother: Because, when I do get married, I kind of want to fit in... my dress.
Ted: Why wouldn't you f... No.
The Mother: Yeah.
Ted: No.
The Mother: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whoa.
Robin: What's going on?
Barney: She's getting a boob job.

Quote from Barney

[May 2016:]
Ted: I can't believe you got divorced without telling us. This is my mom and dad all over again. Barney, if you start brewing your own beer now and nail my prom date, so help me...
Barney: Years too late on one of those, Teddy.

Quote from Lily

[May 2016:]
Barney: Guys, it's okay. This isn't a failed marriage. It's a very successful marriage that happened to only last three years.
Marshall: You both want this? For real?
Robin: We do.
Barney: For real.
Ted: Lily, you okay?
Lily: Of course I'm not okay. This ruins everything. Now we have to choose sides, and obviously we're gonna choose Robin, but Barney has his moments.
Marshall: I really liked the boner joke of the day.

Quote from Barney

[May 2016:]
Robin: Look, you guys do not need to pick sides.
Barney: Nothing has to change.
Robin: No. We've already broken up before and we've stayed friends, remember?
Lily: As long as you promise me this won't mean we stop hanging out.
Barney: Okay.
Lily: I'm serious.
Barney: I know, but, I mean, we hardly hang out anymore anyway. They live in the suburbs now, and you two are about to have baby number three. [off Lily and Marshall's looks] Please. You're so obvious. Your gals are back up to a full C-cup, and you've been sipping her drink all night long.

Quote from Robin

[October 2016:]
Lily: I can't get out of this thing. I'm holding it. Wait, are you leaving?
Robin: Yeah, I got a big day tomorrow. I got to get some sleep.
Lily: No, you can't leave. This is a big moment. We're saying good-bye to the apartment. The whole gang has to be here.
Robin: The gang? Do you know who the gang is to me, Lily? Here's what the gang is: the gang is a married couple who I never see anymore, about to have their third kid. It's my ex-husband, hitting on slutty cops right in front of me. And it's the guy I probably should have ended up with with the beautiful mother of his child. I mean, who in their right mind would call that group of people "the gang"?
Lily: Oh.. Oh, oh, so... So what? This is all just over then? Our whole friendship is just over?
Robin: No. No, of course not. Look, we'll... We'll always be friends. It's just... never gonna be how it was. It can't be. And that doesn't have to be a sad thing. There- There's so much wonderful stuff happening in all of our lives right now. Look, more than enough to be grateful for. But the five of us hanging out at MacLaren's, being young and stupid... that's just not one of those things. That part's over. I got to go. Good night, Lily.
Lily: Good night.

Quote from Barney

[2018:]
Barney: Yes! Look at us, hanging out again. This is amazing. This is awesome! This is... [screams]
Ted: Okay. Just settle down, buddy.
Barney: No! Settling down is for losers with kids who never go out anymore. I am in charge tonight, and the earliest I am allowing anyone to go home is... 2:00 a.m.
Lily: 10:00 p.m.
Ted: 9:45.
Barney: 3:00 a.m. Guys, tonight is gonna be legen... wait for it... [long pause]
Ted: If I leave now, I could put the kids to bed.
Lily: I'll get the check.
Barney: ..dary! Legendary! Guys, the gang is back! We're back! [yells]

Quote from Barney

[2018:]
Lily: That woman is half your age. Haven't you changed, even a little?
Barney: No. I haven't. Look, I know there was a time when it seemed like I was capable of going the distance, but... if it wasn't gonna happen with Robin, then it's just not gonna happen with anyone. I am never gonna be a guy who meets a girl and, from the first time I see her, I'm just like... [to a passing woman] "You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours forever."
Woman: Really?
Barney: No, I'm just making a point. Move it along. That's not me. I'm the guy who straightens his tie, says something dirty, high-fives himself and then goes and talks to that girl over there. That's me. Can I please... just be me?
Lily: Judge Fudge?
Marshall: I'll allow it.
Barney: Then I'll a-plow it. Self-five. Stinson out.

Quote from Barney

[2019:]
Barney: [mimics retching] Glad someone can be happy on the day of a tragedy.
Lily: Aw, Barney, you know this is all fake, right? That robot's not really dead.
Barney: I'm not talking about the robot, Lily. Everyone, stop having fun! I'm about to tell a sad story! Guys, remember back in 2010 when I achieved a perfect week?
Ted: Seven girls in seven nights, sure.
Barney: Well, recently, I decided to attempt... a perfect month. I put together a brand-new playbook.
Lily: No, I can't hear this. This is just too sad.
Barney: But I haven't gotten to the sad part yet.
Lily: You're in your 40s and you have a playbook. That's the sad part.
Barney: Lily... just... Okay?

Quote from Marshall

[2020:]
Ted: And that was it.
Lily: Wow. Hm. A genuine Scherbatsky sighting out in nature. At this point, that's like seeing Sasquatch.
Marshall: No, Sasquatch is a warm and affectionate creature. At this point, Robin's more like the yeti... cold and aloof. Hey, Ted. Ask me if the Abominable Snowman called.
Ted: Has the Abominable Snowman called?
Marshall: Not yeti.

Quote from Barney

[2020:]
Lily: Here we are again. Another big moment for us, and Robin's missing it.
Marshall: I know, baby. I mean, the birth of her ex-husband's love child is a bit of a stretch... but I know, baby.
Ted: Well?
Barney: It was crazy in there, but... I threw up, and now I feel better.
Marshall: Where were you?
Barney: In the can. I knew I was gonna urp, so I put this on over my suit. Number 31 won't let me in the delivery room.
Lily: We're gonna need a name eventually.
Nurse: Mr. Stinson?
Barney: Yes?
Nurse: Congratulations.
Barney: Congratulations because the blood test came back and I'm not the father?! Happy Not a Father's Day!

Quote from Barney

[2020:]
Barney: Hey.
Woman: Hi. What to join us for shots?
Barney: [chuckles] Shots? Before lunch on a Thursday? It's like you're trying to make bad decisions. You young ladies need to go home, put on some decent clothes and take a good hard look at your lives. Get! Call your parents. They're probably worried sick.
Lily: I have officially seen everything.

Quote from Ted

[2013:]
Ted: Excuse me.
The Mother: Hi.
Ted: Hi. I'm the...
The Mother: The best man. Yeah. Get in here, get in here, get in here.
Ted: Oh, thanks. Here, let me.
The Mother: Oh, okay. Thank you.
Ted: Great show tonight.
The Mother: Yeah. Oh, thank you.
Ted: You're Cindy's ex-roommate, right?
The Mother: Yeah. And you are the professor. I took one of your classes.
Ted: Really? Which one?
The Mother: Econ 305.
Ted: Econ 305. I don't teach... Oh, no.
The Mother: Oh, yeah.
Ted: Excuse me, I'm gonna jump onto the tracks now.
The Mother: No. No, no, no, don't. You were great, you were great.

Quote from Ted

[2013:]
Ted: Wait a second. This is my umbrella. I left this umbrella at Cindy's, you totally stole my umbrella.
The Mother: [laughs] What? No, I didn't. This is my umbrella. I bought this.
Ted: Excuse me. It even has my initials on it right here: T.M. Ted Mosby.
The Mother: Yeah. Look again, Ted Mosby. Those are my initials: T.M. Tracy McConnell.
Ted: Um, no, Tracy McConnell, it's T.M. Totally My umbrella.
The Mother: Uh, your T.M., Terribly Mistaken, because this umbrella has always belonged T.M.: To Me. [laughs] Although, I did lose it for a few years there. Um, so, I went to this dance club...
Ted: On St. Patrick's Day.
The Mother: ...on St. Patrick's Day.
Ted: And you left it there.
The Mother: And I left it there.
Ted: And you never thought you'd see it again.
The Mother: And I never thought I'd see it again. Funny how sometimes you just... find things.
Ted: Hi.
The Mother: Hi.


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