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36Quotes from ‘Intervention’

How I Met Your Mother: Intervention

404. Intervention

Aired October 13, 2008

As Ted packs away his belongings before moving in with Stella in New Jersey, the gang remember all the interventions that took place in the apartment - and one that didn't.

Quote from Ted

[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Marshall: Encyclopaedia?
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.

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Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] After that, Interventions became a pretty regular thing around our apartment.
[Lily arrives home]
Lily: [in an English accent] Cor blimey. This is a nice bloody surprise. What's this about then?
Ted: Lily, it's about the weird fake English accent.
Lily: Bollocks.

Quote from Barney

[Barney enters MacLaren's dressed like an elderly man, complete with prosthetic make-up]
Barney: You there, what's your name?
Cindy: Excuse me?
Barney: Your name, woman, what's your name?!
Cindy: Cindy.
Barney: I knew it. You're the Cindy, the one who can change everything, or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson, and I am on an urgent mission from the future.
Cindy: The future?
Barney: The future, and I can prove it to you. In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man. [Barney clears throat]
[Robin slaps Ted]
Ted: Ow! What the hell?
Barney: In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane, but in order to save the planet, You need to sleep with him tonight.
Cindy: What?
Barney: Sleep with Barney Stinson tonight, in whatever way he wants it, or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race.
Cindy: What are you talking about?
Barney: I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!

Quote from Barney

[Barney enters MacLaren's in his normal attire:]
Barney: Vodka rocks.
Robin: It's not gonna work.
Cindy: Oh, my God! You're... Oh, my God! Can I buy you a drink?
Barney: I suppose I have time for one drink and... 45 minutes to an hour of some other activity, but after that,
I have to get back to a top-secret research project I'm working on.
Cindy: Global warming?
Barney: My God, how did you know that?

Quote from Robin

Marshall: And you're also responsible for any damage Robin did when she was your girlfriend.
Robin: Whoa. What damage did I cause?
Marshall: Do you remember that night when you drank the 12'er of Molson and you got all super Canadian?
[Marshall removes a picture frame from the wall, revealing a hole in the plasterboard]
[flashback to Robin, wearing full hockey attire, playing in the apartment:]
Robin: Stanley cup, game six A. The Rangers are about [aboot] to be sorry [surry] they ever played shinny
with the Canucks.
Marshall: Hey, hey, Robin.
Robin: Yeah?
Marshall: I'll give you 20 bucks if you can shoot it through this front door.
Robin: You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log. Timmy ho!
[Lily catches the puck]

Quote from Barney

[Barney is at MacLaren's dressed as an old man, in full prosthetic make-up:]
Barney: Why, hello, young lady. You want a butterscotch candy?
[later]
Barney: What do you mean, "nothing in common"? We're both seniors.
[later]
Woman: You're cute. How old are you?
Barney: 83. How old are you?
Woman: 31.
Barney: Oh. [gets up and leaves]

Quote from Robin

Lily: Marshall, this is an intervention.
Barney: It's about the hat.
Marshall: [scoffs] What? No. I have it under control, okay? I can take it off whenever I want to.
Robin: "Dear Marshall, I do not like that stupid hat. I want to beat it with a bat. Or maybe stab it with a fork. It makes you look like such a dork."

Quote from Barney

[Barney arrives in the apartment dressed as an old man:]
Barney: What the...?
Robin: Barney, this is an intervention.
Barney: I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
Marshall: All right, enough with the "old man" bit.
Barney: What about the old sand pit?
Lily: Let it go.
Barney: "Let it snow"? I love that old ditty!
Ted: I'm getting my flail.
Barney: You're setting sail?

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Everybody says change is so great, right? But what's so great about change?
Ted: Hey, who wants to walk down to our same old bar, sit in our regular booth and order the usual?!
Lily: Yeah!
Marshall: The usual! My favorite!
[later, the gang arrive at MacLaren's and see "old Barney" making out with a young woman:]
Ted: Oh, my God.
Lily: Ugh.
Barney: Well, well, well. I believe someone owes me $200.
Marshall: Barney, this was never a bet... Nobody...
Barney: This proves that I will be this awesome when I'm 80. Arthritis five.

Quote from Ted

Ted: I mean, everything is changing. I'm gonna be living in New Jersey with Stella, you guys will be in your new place. You're starting a new job in Tokyo. It's the end of an era. I think we should have a toast, but not our usual crap. Hey, Wendy, your most expensive bottle of scotch.
Wendy: That's 50-year-old Glen McKenna, and it's $2,500.
Ted: Excellent. A bottle of that with beer chasers, and what do you think, cancel the scotch?

Quote from Ted

Robin: Besides, Stella's not gonna let you keep half of this junk.
Ted: Why wouldn't she?
Lily: Ted, oh, sweetie. Okay, here's the thing that guys only learn after they move in with a woman. All of your stuff is stupid.
Ted: Like what?
Lily: Um, like anything you bought at a Renaissance fair.
Ted: Hey. Hey, there's not enough mead in the world to make me get rid of my flail.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: And then, there's Exhibit B.
[Marshall looks up to the ceiling where a portion of the crown molding is missing and there are cracks in the wall]
[flashback to Ted arriving back from the Renaissance fair:]
Ted: Good morrow, fair gentles. Look what I won at the Renaissance faire.
[Ted swings his mace and leaves a crack in the crown molding and ceiling]

Quote from Barney

[flashback, as Marshall explains the hole in the wall:]
Lily: That's it, Robin. Give me the stick.
Robin: I'll give you summer teeth. Some are here, some are there.
Lily: Robin, give me the stick.
Robin: Take off, hoser.
Lily: That's it!
[Lily and Robin start fighting]
Robin: Scrap?! I'll scrap!
Ted: Guys, come on!
Barney: For America.
Ted: All right, break it, break it up!
Barney: Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!
[Barney punches the wall]
Ted: Entirely Barney's fault. As, by the way, is the big scorch mark over the fireplace.

Quote from Barney

[When Barney arrives at the apartment, the gang are waiting by the "Intervention" sign]
Barney: What?
Robin: The magic tricks.
Lily: Specifically, those involving fire.
Barney: Magic tricks? Guys, interventions are supposed to help people, not attack every little thing you don't like about them. I'm sorry, but that really steams me. That really burns me up! I mean, I am filled with a white-hot rage! [growling]
[Barney shoots a flame out of his hands, setting the intervention sign on fire. Everyone else screams.]
Barney: Thank you. [seeing the sign] Oh, shoot.
Lily: I smell hair! I smell hair!
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's the story of the scorch mark.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Intervention banner? What's that for?
Ted: Stella.
Barney: Ah. [takes a letter out of his suit pocket] "Ted, I cannot stand idly by..."
Ted: You've just been carrying that around?
Barney: Please, Ted? "I cannot stand idly by while you make the biggest mistake any man can make... getting married. Mark my words, this whole thing is gonna go up in flames!" [Barney sets the letter on fire and throws it in the air, where it vanishes] Damn! I put the flame cue too early. I had so many more important things to say, and... The point is, Ted, marriage is stupid. Every year, there are a million new hot 22-year-olds walking into bars, and call me "glass half full," but I think they're getting dumber.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Oh, come on, Barney, even you aren't still gonna be hitting on 22-year-olds when you're 80.
Barney: I accept that challenge.
Marshall: What challenge?
Barney: To prove to you that I will be exactly this awesome when I'm 80, I will hook up with a 22-year-old while in my old-man makeup.
Marshall: I didn't remotely challenge you to that. I mean, I definitely want to see it. But I didn't remotely challenge you to that.


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