Marshall: Let me get this straight. You're really telling me that when you watch The Karate Kid, you don't root for Daniel-san?
Barney: Nope.
Marshall: Who do you root for in Die Hard?
Barney: Hans Gruber, charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. He's the title character.
Lily: Okay, The Breakfast Club?
Barney: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.
Robin: I got one. Terminator.
Barney: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end and he didn't get to kill those people? [sobbing] I'm sorry. That movie...
Ted: I am never watching a movie with you ever again.
Barney: They didn't even try to help him!

Barney: What could you possibly have to say for yourself?
[flashback to Ted and Margaret talking about acting tips:]
Margaret: Acting rule number one: "Don't be afraid to improvise."
[present:]
Ted: Was it me who betrayed you, or you who betrayed me?
Barney: I'm sorry. What?
[flashback:]
Margaret: Acting rule number five: "Invent a rich back story for your character."
[present:]
Ted: November 14th, 1998. The overnight train to Monte Carlo. I was in the billiards car hustling some Algerians out of few thousand dinar, when you seduced my fiancee! Who is blind and thought you were me.
Margaret: Yes.
Barney: What in God's name are you talking about?
[flashback:]
Margaret: Acting rule number eight: Don't be afraid to get physical.
[present:]
Ted: [slaps Barney] You know damn well what I'm talking about!
Barney: No, I don't!
Ted: [slaps Barney again] Yes, you do! And by God, I'll hear you say it, scoundrel!

Lily: Wow, Barney, it looks like your mom kept your childhood bedroom just the way you left it.
Marshall: Yeah, that sure is a big poster of The Karate Kid above your bed.
Barney: Hey, Karate Kid's a great movie. It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast whose dreams and moxie take him all the way to the All Valley Karate Championship. Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid. But he learns an important lesson about gracefully accepting defeat.
Lily: Wait. When you watch The Karate Kid, you actually root for that mean blond boy?
Barney: No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey who barely even knows karate. When I watch The Karate Kid, I root for the karate kid: Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai dojo. Get your head out of your ass, Lily.

Barney: And then my mom got better. Which was miraculous. But it meant that I had to keep "Betty" around and cast a kid to play my son, Tyler.
Lily: This is crazy. You actually cast your own son?
Barney: Well, for a while, I got by borrowing/babysitting my neighbor's baby. And this one Christmas, when my mom was plowed on eggnog, I got away with a bag of flour and a Chuckie mask. But eventually, I had to hold auditions.
[flashback to Barney in a room of aspiring child actors:]
Barney: Four, eight, thirteen, you can stay. The rest of you may go.
Stage Mom: You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part.
Barney: Well, apparently, I'm a better actor than your kid. Bring in the 11:00's!
[present:]
Barney: And that's how the role of Tyler eventually went to... Grant.
Ted: Come on, Grant seems pretty good.
Barney: You think so? Watch this. Hey, Tyler. [the kid is unresponsive] Tyler. Tyler. Grant.
Grant: Yeah?
Barney: See? It's like amateur hour over here. Call me crazy, but child actors were way better back in the '80s.

Lily: I can't believe we haven't met you before. Who knew Barney had such a great mom?
Loretta: Oh, thanks, dear. Truth is, I wasn't always the best mother when I was younger.
Marshall: Oh, don't say that. I'm sure you were great.
Loretta: Yeah, I was a bit of a whore.
Lily: Excuse me?
Loretta: A whore, dear. A dirty whore. I'm not proud of it. But... still, I had some fun. There is no thrill equal to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, "I don't know your name, you don't know mine, but... for the next eight minutes, we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom right off its foundation." And then just drive off in opposite directions. Just keep driving.
Marshall: Barney's mom?
Lily: Loretta.
Marshall: Loretta.
Loretta: Anyway, that's, that's all in the past now. I did the best I could. But sometimes I wonder how Barney
turned out to be so perfect.

Barney: Uh, these are my friends. Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin. Guys, this is Loretta. My mom.
Loretta: It's so nice to meet you. I feel like I already know you all. Barney goes on and on about you every day when we talk.
Robin: Aw, you call your mom every day?
Barney: No! Mom!
Lily: So that's what you were being all secretive about? You didn't want us to know you're a big old mama's boy.
Barney: [laughs] Yep, you got me. Well, guess you guys can leave.
Margaret: Oh, hello.
Robin: Hi.
Margaret: Who are all these people?
Barney: Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin, I'd like you to meet Betty... my wife. And my son Tyler.

Loretta: Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready. There'll be plenty for everyone.
Margaret: But remember you, only one helping of meatloaf after what Dr. Grossbard said about your cholesterol.
Barney: This one wants me to live forever.
Margaret: Guilty. I love you.
Barney: I love you, too.
Grant: I love you three!
Barney: Get out of here, you little scamp! [to his friends] So, I'll see you guys back at the bar?

Robin: What the hell, Barney?
Barney: OK, it's a long story. As you know, my father had to leave my mom when I was a baby because he got hired as the host of The Price is Right.
Lily: Oh, yeah, it was a very good show.
Marshall: Bob Barker is your father.
[flashback to Barney in Loretta's hospital room:]
Barney: She had to raise my brother and me by herself. And her only wish was for her sons not to wind up alone, like she was. Then about seven years ago, she got really sick. It looked like she wasn't going to make it. So, I decided to make her wish come true.
Barney: Mom, this is Betty. We're engaged.

Barney: I hired an actress to play my fiancee "Betty". Her real name's Margaret. She mostly does off-Broadway theater. Wonderful actress. This close to a Tony. It's all who you know. It's very political. I shouldn't get into it. But there's one problem. Betty has a slight tendency to go off-book.
[flashback:]
Barney: You see, Mom? I found someone who makes me happy. Just like you wanted.
Loretta: That's wonderful. I just wish I could've stuck around long enough for grandchildren.
Margaret: I'm pregnant! [laughs] Huh?

Loretta: Honey, are you okay?
Barney: Look, Mom, there's something I have to tell you. Something I should have told you a long time ago. Tyler is dying. And Betty said that when he goes, she's gonna off herself. So that's probably all gonna go down pretty soon.
Loretta: Oh, my God!
Barney: Okay. No, no! None of that is true! The truth is, I... The truth is Betty and Tyler are actors that I hired to pretend to be my family.
Loretta: What?
Barney: I just wanted you to think I had the life you wanted for me. I wanted you to be proud of me. I know it sounds crazy, and I am so sorry, Mom.
Loretta: So Betty is not your wife?
Barney: No.
Loretta: Thank God! I do not like that woman.
Barney: Really?
Loretta: Yes. And Tyler... I know I'm his grandma and I'm supposed to love him, but I hate that kid. "Tyler no likey!" What the hell is that?
Barney: Right?
Loretta: And those fake friends of yours out there, I just wanted to shoot myself.
Barney: I know. Aren't they horrible?