Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Barney continued listing every lie he'd ever told to get laid.
Barney: There's no time to explain how I got bit there. I just need someone to suck the poison out. [cut] The surgeons gave me a new face, honey. Aren't you relieved I'm alive? Me llamo David Beckham. [cut, foreign accent]: If I were only casting The White Swan the role would be yours. [cut, deep voice] No, I am a lesbian. This thing that I'm wearing is just really lifelike.
Nora: Okay, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The creme de la creepy?
Barney: Uh... Oh, I once pulled The Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys...
[An African-American woman sitting in the booth behind Barney turns around:]
Carol: Barnell! Ooh, I knew it!

Lily: What happened to your leg?
Barney: Oh, nothing. I'm meeting Nora for coffee. She's still mad at me, so I need some sympathy points. She likes musicals, so I'm going to tell her I fell off the stage during a performance of Man of La Mancha. What do you think?
Ted: Lose the cast.
Barney: A one-man show, I like it!
Lily: Just so we're clear, this woman is mad at you because you lied to her. So your solution is to pretend you broke your leg?
Barney: You're right. A neck brace. Thanks, Lil. Man, I wish I'd have talked to you sooner. I've been practicing with these crutches all day and whoever left them in my lobby probably really needs 'em.

Ted: Well, uh, I have some good news. As you all know, I recently decided to get back out there and start dating again. And, uh, well...
[flashback to Ted at a news stand near a woman who's reading the magazine with his face on the cover:]
Woman: Is this you?
Ted: Uh, yeah. Hi. I'm Ted.
Woman: Hi.
[present:]
Lily: That's great, Ted.
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment of pure destiny. The kind you just can't manufacture. Or so I thought.
[a series of flashbacks to Ted at the news stand holding the magazine:]
Ted: Oh, no. How did I get on there? Hi. Ted Mosby.
Ted: Guilty. Hi. Ted Mosby.
Ted: That is embarrassing. I should be on the cover of Egg On My Face magazine. But I'm not. I'm on the cover of this one. Hi. Ted Mosby.
[present:]
Ted: 16 moments of pure destiny in one day, and of those 16, ten were single. Of those ten, seven liked what they saw. Of those seven, four were women. Of those four, two gave me their real number. And I have a date with both of them.

Marshall: [answers phone in a British accent] Hello.
Garrison Cootes: Marshall, this is Garrison Cootes. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but I've just been swamped. [laughing] Which is funny, 'cause I'm literally standing in a swamp.
Marshall: [nervous chuckle]
Garrison Cootes: Anyway, I'm just out here, I'm just collecting some samples for this pollution case we're working on.
Marshall: I love the work you guys do.
Garrison Cootes: That's a croc...
Marshall: No, I mean it.
Garrison Cootes: No, no, there's a crocodile about five feet away from me. So I'm just going to ignore the hot urine filling my waders as we speak, and tell you that we're very interested.
Marshall: [whispers] He's interested.
Garrison Cootes: Obviously we have to do some sort of credit check, you know, a criminal record and Google search, but as long as nothing unseemly turns up, you're good to go, man.
Marshall: That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes!
Garrison Cootes: Well, I gotta run. [laughing] This is so funny, because, actually, I physically have to run now.
Marshall: Croc saw you?
Garrison Cootes: He's advancing, yeah.

Ted: Jessica is a Rhodes scholar. She's traveled all over the world. Speaks four languages, is a concert pianist. And Claire reached for the check. So I don't know. It's a squeaker. I mean, both of these girls have the potential to be something really special. They both move on to the next round.

Ted: Oh, my God. This is awesome. I just got invited to the Architects' Ball, the annual gala that honors the city's greatest architects. Oh, no, you guys see why this sucks, right?
Robin: Because it's an annual gala honoring the city's greatest architects?
Ted: Robin, this is the social event of the year. You take a girl to the Architects' Ball, brother, you're going
to third base. Whichever girl I take as my date, she will be Miss Ted Mosby's girlfriend by the end of the night. Okay, no more sitting on the fence. Robin, get me my legal pad. It's pros and cons time! [all cheer]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And kids, they really cheered.

Future Ted: Kids, "Edward Forty Hands" is a game that involves taping two 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor to your hands. The object is to finish both bottle- Oh, my God, why am I telling you this? Let's move on.

Ted: This pros and cons list isn't cutting it. I need a color chart.
All: [chanting] Color chart! Color chart!
Future Ted: [v.o.] And, kids, we all really chanted.

Marshall: [answers phone] Hello.
Garrison Cootes: Marshall! Garrison Cootes.
Marshall: Yes, Mr. Cootes. Hi. How are you?
Garrison Cootes: I just wanted to let you know, we did the background check, and that is some disturbing streaking.
Marshall: Sir, th-th-the thing is, um...
Garrison Cootes: The rainbow streaking in this sample is definitely from chemical runoff. Oh, I... [stammers] Bottom line, we'd love to have you on board.
Marshall: That is fantastic! Thank you, Mr. Cootes!
Garrison Cootes: Well, you're welcome. And, oh, and when you're at the office, try to wear some clothes, okay, Beercules? [laughs] Wow! That's a big snake.
Marshall: Oh, there's a snake in the swamp?
Garrison Cootes: No, I'm talking about your penis. See you tomorrow.

Marshall: Oh, God, guys, I'm still really hungover. Did I really ruin a wedding?
Ted: No, you didn't ruin a wedding. Just the reception.
Robin: And the bar mitzvah next door.
Lily: And my dress. And your dress. You put on a dress at one point.
Marshall: Okay, you know what, that's it. I'm about to be a dad, and I want to be the kind of man that my child can look up to. So, sweeping declaration: I am never getting drunk again as long as I live. [all laugh] I'm serious.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, it's not that your Uncle Marshall had a drinking problem. But whenever he made a sweeping declaration like that, you pretty much knew...
[the next day:]
Marshall: [slurred]: I did it again.
Future Ted: But I'm getting ahead of myself.