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How I Met Your Mother: Band or DJ

813. Band or DJ

Aired January 14, 2013

Robin insists that Barney seek her father's permission before they announce their engagement. Meanwhile, as Ted throws himself into planning Barney and Robin's wedding, he gets hung up on the argument over whether they should have a band or a DJ.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Okay, Ted. Bar. Now.
Lily: Nice try. You're gonna stick me with that baby, so that you guys can spend five minutes sorting out his love life followed by an hour of you getting drunk and pretending to be in The Departed.
Marshall: You know what? I'm sorry, Lily. Okay? But I just need to know. [Boston accent] Are you a cop?
Ted: [Boston accent] I'm not a cop!
Marshall: Are you a cop?
Ted: I'm not a cop!

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Quote from Ted

Marshall: Food going in isn't the problem. It's what's coming out... or not coming out. He hasn't pooped in three days.
Lily: Yeah. Normally, I wouldn't wish one of his dirty diapers on my worst enemy, but now I kind of miss poppin'
the hood in the morning and finding that first big, juicy, black...
Ted: Lily! I'm eating chili. I'm eating chili, Lily.
Lily: Confetti. Big blast of confetti. Normally, the kid's a confetti machine. He's Rip Taylor in a diaper.
Marshall: I have a feeling at this point, Rip Taylor is Rip Taylor in a diaper.
Ted: And with that image, dinner is done.

Quote from Barney

Robin: So, it's been three days since I said yes.
Barney: True.
Robin: And your panic attacks are getting shorter and further apart.
Barney: I can't do this! I feel like I'm drowning! Also true.
Robin: So I guess we're officially engaged. Maybe we should tell our parents. I assume my dad already knows. You did call him and got his permission, right?
Barney: [chuckles] Yeah, yeah, Robin. I... I bought you with an ox and some spices from the East. He's gonna put you in a cage and send you on horseback to my remote desert camp.
Robin: Okay, Barney...
Barney: Hold on. I'm not done. Where you'll be bathed in perfumes and oils and delivered to my tent. After you perform the traditional Dance of the Seven Veils, we'll adjourn to the tiger skin rug where we'll...
Robin: Barney...
Barney: Robin! If we're gonna build a marriage together, we have got to stop interrupting each other all the time.
Robin: Fine. Finish your story.
Barney: Thank you. Where we'll... do it.
Robin: Did you ask for my father's permission?
Barney: No, I did not.

Quote from Robin

Robin Sr.: I'm glad you could meet me here at my favorite restaurant. Carol and I come here all the time.
Robin: I... You... When... Da... Who's Carol?
Robin Sr.: Oh, right. You... You haven't met Carol. Um, very special woman. Forty-eight years old, dental hygienist, no kids. Likes Zumba. She's the reason I moved to New York City.
Robin: Eight months ago. Thanks for the call, by the way.
Robin Sr.: Well, I figured you knew. It's on my Facebook page. You really should respond to my friend request. I post a lot of great stuff. Are you familiar with memes? There's a cat who says, "I can has cheezburger?"

Quote from Robin

Robin: Well, I am going to the room marked "Spaghettis", which I'm hoping is the ladies' room. "Meatballs" has to be men's, right? I don't know what the hell "Calamaris" is.
[later:]
Robin: And it turns out "spaghettis" are men. I saw a noodle.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] I made a pretty strong case that night, but in the end, she didn't want a deejay. She wanted a band. And guess what happened.
[four months later:]
Ted: That's right. The band canceled at the last minute... just like I said they would. The wedding is in a week, and no bands. When will people realize I always know what's what?
Cindy: He says to the lesbian he dated for a month.
Ted: That's a fair point. Anyway, you guys wouldn't, uh, happen to know of any good wedding bands... available at the last minute, would you?
Casey: Ted, do you believe in destiny?
Ted: You really don't know me, do you?
Cindy: We just had brunch with my ex-roommate.
Ted: The bass player?
Cindy: No, she's not just a bass player. She's a bass player in the best wedding band in the tristate area. They had a gig lined up for this weekend, but it just fell through this morning.
Casey: You, my friend, are gonna save that wedding.
Ted: Do you know any deejays?
Cindy: Dude, come on!
Casey: Let it go, bro. Just let it go.
Ted: All right, all right, all right. Well, I guess, uh... Guess it's a lucky thing I ran into you guys.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And, kids, "lucky" doesn't even begin to describe it. Because if Robin and Barney had taken my stupid advice and hired a deejay... I never would have met your mother.

Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, in late 2012, I received a very important text message. Uncle Barney and AuntRobin were engaged, marking a truly happy time for our little group. The problem was... one of us was definitely not happy.
Marshall: Marvin will not stop crying.
Ted: What do you guys think it is? Is he hungry?
Lily: Well, that must be it. Huh! Thank you for thinking of that, Ted. And here we were just watering him and facing him towards the sunlight. Sorry. I haven't slept in... January.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Here comes the bride! Now the annoying part, right? Planning the wedding. So not fun, right?
Robin: I don't know. I'm kind of looking forward to it.
Lily: Fine. I'll do it for you. First thing we need to do is set a date.
Ted: May 25, 2013.
Lily: Thank you, Ted. The ladies are talking.
Robin: Actually, that... That is the date. Ted offered to help with the planning a little. And, well, uh...
Lily: That's a big binder.
Ted: Oh, this? This is just cakes. Anyway, we're having the ceremony at that beautiful little church out on Long Island, where Victoria almost got married. Lovely spot. And then we're gonna have a reception in a big white tent on the front lawn of the hotel. Oh, and, uh, the colors are cream and lilac.
Lily: I'ma cut you, bitch!

Quote from Marshall

Robin: So, as some of you know, my dad is a little scary.
Ted: A little? Dude's a stone-cold Slytherin.
Marshall: He always looks like he just came from slapping some guy tied to a chair in a back room.

Quote from Robin

Robin: I know I already told you this, but my dad is a scary guy.
Barney: Please, I think I can handle... Oh, vampire in the daylight. Vampire in the daylight!
Robin: Oh.
Robin Sr.: Hello, Robin.
Robin: Hello, sir. [holds out hand]
Robin Sr.: Put that thing away. Give your old man a hug.
[present:]
Robin: And then it got really scary.

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