Carl: If he pukes, one of you guys cleans it up.
Lily: No dibs.
Marshall: Oh.
Barney: No... Dammit!
Ted: How quickly you all forget. I haven't puked since high school. I am vomit-free since ninety-three. Vomit free since ninety-three. That's funny. I'm funny.

Ted: We're not really doing shots, are we?
Lily: I hope not.
Barney: No, no.
Lily: These look kinda like blood.
Marshall: Okay, I know that you've all dismissed this theory before, but is there any chance that Carl is a vampire?
Barney: That's ridiculous.
Marshall: I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight, only after dark.
Robin: Oh my God, that does describe a vampire. Or you know, a bartender.

Robin: Well, I should go get dressed.
Ted: Where are you going, buddy? Hot date?
Lily: I'll say, she's going out with a billionaire.
Robin: Lily, I told you not to call him that.
Ted: Wait, you're really going out with a billionaire?
Robin: He's not a billionaire. He's a hundred millionaire. Why do people always round up?

Ted: So, uh, where's Thurston Howell taking you?
Robin: A charity dinner.
Lily: Yeah, $2000 a plate.
Robin: $1500. Stop rounding up. And it's for third world hunger.
Barney: You gonna put out? What? There's only one reason he's taking her to this dinner and it's not so little Mutu can get his malaria pills.
Lily: I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

Marshall: Okay, think about this, is there even a single item on the menu that has garlic in it?
Lily: Garlic fries.
Marshall: Okay, well, I'll get back to you.

Ted: [on the phone] Hello, Robin. It's Ted.
Robin: Oh, hi, Ted.
Ted: Hello, Robin. It's Ted.
Robin: Hi, Ted. Sounds like you're having fun.
Ted: Robin, have I ever told you that I'm vomit-free since ninety-three?
Robin: Listen, Ted, I can't really talk right... '93? Dude, that's impressive.
Ted: I don't say this enough, but you're a great woman, and a great reporter. You should be on 60 Minutes. You should be one of the minutes.
Robin: That's sweet and odd. But I'm kinda on a date right now.
Ted: Yeah, and I disagree with Barney. Just 'cause this guy is spending a lot of money doesn't mean you have to put out. Take it slow, Robin, take it slow. Slow.
Robin: Bye Ted.
Ted: Slow.

[Cheap Trick's "Voices" plays on the jukebox]
Marshall: Cheap Trick? Oh Ted.
Robin: [answering phone] Hello again, Ted.
Ted: [singing] Hey, it's me again. Plain to see again. Please can I see you every day? [yelling] I love everyone in this bar.
Marshall: And we love you, drunk Ted.
Ted: [singing] I'm a fool again. I fell in love... [Ted falls off the table]

Ted: Barney, you've always taken care of me. You are a gentleman and a scholar. Go into my stable and take my finest stallion. He's yours, his name is Windjammer.
Barney: Sleep it off, bro.

Ted: I threw up? My streak is over. Vomit-free since '05 doesn't sound good.

Ted: Carl, did you know the word karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra? Isn't that hauntingly beautiful? Are you a vampire?
Carl: I am cutting you off. Go home and get some sleep, Ted.
Ted: Yeah, sun's gonna come up soon. Wouldn't want to be around for that, would we?