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33Quotes from ‘Happily Ever After’

How I Met Your Mother: Happily Ever After

406. Happily Ever After

Aired November 3, 2008

When the gang run into Stella at a restaurant, they reminisce about the people in their lives that they try to avoid.

Quote from Robin

Marshall: That sucks about your dad, Robin, but congratulations on that game.
Robin: And Kyle and I weren't even doing anything serious. We only went to the blue line.
Barney: The blue line?
Robin: Yeah, you know how when you're a kid, you put everything into hockey terms? The blue line is kissing,
the red line is getting naked, and I think "in the crease" speaks for itself. Anyway, after that, my relationship with my dad pretty much went north. I moved in with my mom, grew my hair out, became a Canadian pop star. You know, normal teen stuff.

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Quote from Robin

Robin: Over the years, as my body developed...
Barney: Hold on a sec. [starts recording on his phone] Sorry, go on.
Robin: It became harder and harder for him to pretend I was a boy. [v.o.]
[flashback to young Robin's hockey team at her house:]
Robin: [v.o.] The lowest moment came when I turned 14. My peewee hockey team had just won the Squamish invitational and everyone came back
to my house to celebrate.
Robin Sr.: You lads availed yourself splendidly out there on the ice. Splendidly. You go on outside. I'll come back with an assortment of soft drinks and American pretzels.
Kyle: Hey, I can't believe you missed that last empty-netter, you hoser.
Robin: You're the hoser.
Kyle: No, you're the hoser.
[Robin and Kyle are kissing as her father walks back in the room]
Robin Sr.: What are you doing? You're teammates, hockey players. Teammates don't kiss! Hockey players don't kiss! Oh, my God. I have no son.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v..o.] So I got out of the cab, ready to say all of that stuff, ready to explode, but then... It all just went away. And that was it. In that moment, I wasn't angry anymore. I could see Stella was meant to be with Tony. Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face. But there's a third option, you can just let it go. And only when you do that is it really gone, and you can move forward. And that, kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there waiting for me.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: She leaves you at the altar and you're the one avoiding her?
Ted: Yes, I'm avoiding her. What's the big deal? That's how we do it.
Marshall: Who's "we"? Gutless weenies?
Ted: No, "we" is people from the great state of Ohio. When life gives us pain, we Buckeyes take that pain and we push it down. And if the pain starts to come up again, we push more pain down on top of it. Why confront something when you can avoid it, right? All I have to do is never see Stella again, and I'll live a long, happy life. Now, who wants to get something to eat?

Quote from Barney

Marshall: What? How is he dancing right now? He should be smashing up Stella's car with a sledgehammer.
Barney: Hypothetical. Ted isn't pretending to be happy. Ted really is happy. He never wanted to get married in the first place. Ted just pulled off the greatest train dodge since Stand by Me. Well, not the first kid, but the other kids.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Guys, get off his back. He's happy. Listen, if Ted were married right now, he'd be married, he'd be living in New Jersey, and he'd be married!

Quote from Ted

Barney: Now, let's eat. How about Flat Michael's?
Ted: No, that's 44th and Lex. Can't do it.
Robin: Why not?
Ted: It's too close to Stella's gym. Might run into her. Anywhere else, though.
Robin: Okay, how about Hurley's?
Ted: Right between Stella's office and her dry cleaners. No, sir.
Lily: Well, what about Meatloaf Charlie's?
Ted: Two blocks from Stella's mother's hairdressers.
Barney: Well, jeez, Ted, is there anywhere in Manhattan we can go to dinner?
Ted: [laughs] Of course. Check this out.
Robin: What you got there, Ted?
Ted: A little reference map I made for myself. A New York guide to places you might run into Stella Zinman. Red areas are places to avoid. White areas are safe. Blue is water.

Quote from Robin

Lily: I've always felt awful about that. But if Gasser... Michael walked in right now, as hard as it would be, I would go up to Gasser... Michael and I would resolve things between us.
Robin: Right, clear the air, as it were. [laughing] Oh, man. Those don't come around often. Y'all are welcome.

Quote from Barney

Robin: So, who is Becca DeLucci?
Barney: Becca is just this girl who lives upstate. I used to visit her now and again.
Ted: Mmm-hmm. Where exactly upstate, Barney?
Barney: Bedford Hills Federal Penitentiary. And yes, the visits were of a conjugal nature.
Lily: No. No way, really?
Barney: Really. And what I had with Becca was a perfect relationship. She was only allowed, by law, to call me once a week. If she ever got clingy, the armed guards stopped her. And I never had to pay for dinner. Well, that's not true. I pay taxes. Then again, I guess we all paid for dinner. Thanks a lot, guys.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Anyway, the last time I visited, I kind of screwed things up.
[flashback to Barney visiting Becca in prison:]
Barney: I know it's hard, baby, but I'm in a prison, too. A prison of my own heart. [holding the phone] Is that room ready yet or what? Can we... Tick-tock.
Becca: Barney, you're the only thing that's keeping me going here.
Barney: That's what I'm here for, baby. I'm your rock. I'm... [sees another woman] Oh, my God. Hello, strange. [to the over woman] Hi, Barney Stinson, attorney at law. Let's talk about getting you off.
Becca: Oh, hell, no! [tackles the other woman]
Barney: Whoa! [Barney starts to film it on his phone]
[present:]
Barney: Now I get letters from Becca and she's all, "I'm coming to get you the day I get out of here. I'm gonna hang your eyes from my rearview mirror. " Women, huh?

Quote from Robin

Barney: You guys, that other table is off the hook. What are we talking about?
Lily: Robin's dad.
Robin: I haven't spoken to him in three years and I don't intend to start now.
Lily: Why?
[flashback to a hospital operating room:]
Robin: [v.o.] It goes back to the day I was born.
Robin Sr.: You give me my son now. Push. [baby cries] Oh, no. Oh, no.
[present:]
Robin: He wanted a son and the fact that I was a girl didn't change his plan.
Ted: What do you mean?
Robin: My full legal name is Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr. And it only gets worse from there.

Quote from Robin

[flashback to a young Robin with her father, both dressed in hunting attire:]
Robin: [v.o.] When I was eight, he took me hunting for the first time.
Robin: I don't want to shoot a deer.
Robin Sr.: Nonsense, R.J. Shooting deer is the noblest of pursuits.
Robin: But they're cute.
Robin Sr.:You said the same thing about our rabbits. Remember how delicious they were?

Quote from Barney

Barney: You poor thing. To have to grow up in Canada with America right there.

Quote from Robin

Lily: Don't you think it would feel better to talk to him about all this?
Robin: No, that's the point. It wouldn't solve anything. It's in the past. It's done. I mean, what would I even say to him? "I wish you hadn't raised me as a boy? I wish you hadn't taught me how to hunt and fish and smoke cigars and drink Scotch because that's not what girls do. And you know, the reason I throw like a girl, Dad, is because I am a girl."
Ted: Huh. You've held on to that for a long time, huh?
Robin: Yeah.
Ted: It really messed you up.
Robin: Yeah.
Marshall: That sucks.
Lily: I'm sorry.
Barney: That's hot.


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