TV Quotes

Marshall: [inner monologue] I'll show them. My body can outrun any motorized vehicle. I'm like John Henry when he beat the steam engine. All I need is a great folk song.
Marshall: [singing] Gather round, ye children To hear the tale so sweet Of a man who dared to race machines With nothing but his feet
Marshall: Suck it, grand-butt!
Marshall: [singing] Marshall Versus the machines Hyah!

Conductor: [indistinct talk over muffled P.A.]
Lily: Track maintenance?
Conductor: [indistinct talk over muffled P.A.]
Lily: 20-minute delay?
Man: How do you do that?
Lily: I grew up here, I speak conductor. Damn it!
[Lily exits the train. The doors then close and the train starts moving.]
Lily: Damn it!

Barney: I cannot stop staring at that girl's face.
Ted: Face. Huh. That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet.
Barney: No, Ted, I'm really looking at her face.
Lily: Aw... That's actually really sweet.
Barney: Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose... That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?
All: Oh! Oh, God! No, no, no!
Lily: That's it! You know what? Five-minute time-out! Corner booth! Now.

Robin: I am, too, a real New Yorker.
Ted: That's adorable. You're from Canada.
Robin: I have been here for almost six years. It's not like I just got off a boat.
Lily: [laughs] A boat! Wait, that is how you say it.

Ted: I say, you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.
Lily: No, you're not a real New Yorker till you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.
Marshall: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've killed a cockroach with your bare hands.
Robin: Those rules are all stupid, okay? I've never done any of those things.
Future Ted: [v.o.] By the end of this day, Robin would have done all of those things.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I should tell you, Lily really needed a win that day.
[title: "Why Lily Needed A Win":]
Future Ted: When Marshall and Lily decided to have a baby, they assumed it would happen right away.
Marshall: It's gonna be positive. Eriksen man are hella fertile. When Uncle Morris was 16, he got his girlfriend pregnant just by holding her hand too tight in the backseat of a car. Now I'm thinking my parents lied to me.

Future Ted: [v.o.] As the weeks went by, Marshall's confidence never wavered. Then it started to mess with Lily's head.
[Lily imagines a tiny Marshall appearing on the screen of the pregnancy test:]
Marshall: [cartoon voice] Negative? Well, we know it's not me.
Lily: Everything's fine. These things take time.
Marshall: Not with an Eriksen. Something must be wrong with you. Also, my mom hates you.
Lily: You know what? Just to make sure, I'm gonna pee on this again.
Marshall: What? No, you wouldn't. Somebody help me! Somebody help me!

Marshall: [singing] As Marshall ran with all his might And passed his friend Christine
Marshall: Hey, Christine.
Marshall: [singing] He thought of all the times That he had beaten the machine. He triumphed over "Pitfall"
Young Marshall: Yes!
Marshall: [singing] He vanquished the alarm
Marshall: Yes!
Marshall: [singing] He brought the jukebox back to life With his Fonzarelli arm Marshall vs. the machines

Marshall: [singing] Our hero's strength was fading fast Just as the light Turned... ... ... Green He then thought back to all the times he'd lost to a machine.
Young Marshall: Come on, Playboy channel.
Marshall: [singing] The cable box's fearsome bite
Young Marshall: Ow!
Marshall: [singing] Or the stapler's mighty sting
Marshall: Come on, spice channel.
Marshall: [singing] he cable box's bite again... Getting too tired To sing.

Barney: Faster. Mush! Mush! I need this win. I need this win.
[title: "Why Barney Needed A Win":]
Barney: And firing half my department freed up the money to double my own salary. And this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Actually, Barney did not need a win.
Barney: And I smell incredible. Smell me. Just, seriously, smell me.
Future Ted: [v.o.] He did smell incredible.