Lily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God, if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts you try to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?
Lily: One of each.
Barney: All right, all right.

Ted: I did it. I did it. I'm taking her to the wedding.
Lily: Nice.
Marshall: What? How?
Ted: I talked to Stuart.
Marshall: Oh, you went around the bride. "Oh, this hornet's nest looks harmless. Maybe I'll poke it with a stick. Oh, look, some gremlins, let me go feed them after midnight."

Future Ted: [v.o.] When you're single and your friends start to get married, every wedding invitation presents a strange moment of self-evaluation. Will you be bringing a guest or will you be attending alone? What it's really asking is: where do you see yourself in three months? Sitting next to your girlfriend or hitting on a bridesmaid? I always checked that I was bringing a guest. I was an optimist.

Ted: [on the phone] Who the hell am I gonna bring to this wedding?
Barney: Ted, have you ignored all my teachings?
Ted: For the most part, yeah.
Barney: You don't bring a date to a wedding. That's like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip. Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted. No, no date.
Ted: Deer carcass, really? That's the metaphor you're going for?
Barney: Ted, it's a simile.

Marshall: OK, I'm just saying, that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: Yes, but I'm the bride so I win.
Marshall: Well, I thought marriage was about two equal partners sharing a life together.
Lily: Right. But I'm the bride, so I win.

Ted: Whoa, did you see how fired up she was? I don't know, there's something there. And come Saturday, a little music, a little dancing, a lot of champagne. Who knows?
Barney: Wow, Ted, you're gonna have to find another gender for yourself 'cause I'm revoking your dude membership.
Ted: Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?
Barney: Invigorating, thanks.

Lily: Honey, this magazine says more and more couples are opting to have nontraditional weddings out in the woods.
Marshall: Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods like a couple of squirrels.
Lily: Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.
Marshall: Like you could possibly know that.

Claudia: By the way, I almost forgot. We found this.
Ted: I didn't check 'plus one'. You were right.
Barney: Of course I was right.
Ted: I'm single. Maybe that's just who I am. And you know what? I like being single.
Barney: Being single's the best.
Ted: Stay out as late as you want.
Barney: Answer to no one.
Ted: The whole world full of endless possibilities.
Barney: Never having to go to a farmer's market.
[Ted and Barney toast]

Robin: Well, Derek and I just broke up.
Lily: No. That's terrible. Are you OK?
Marshall: Yeah, do you need a drink or something?
Robin: Nah. We never really clicked. I felt bad though, he was pretty bummed.
Barney: Ah, don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing line and reel in 10 chicks hotter than you.
Robin: Thanks, I feel a lot better. I think I'll get that drink now.

Ted: OK, guys, I gotta say something. I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing. [Marshall laughs]
Lily: Oh, because they were buried in a shallow grave.
Marshall: Not again. Come on, dude, we all know how this movie ends. Ted falls in love. Love kicks Ted in the sprouts. Roll credits.
Ted: No, you guys just have to look at the whole picture. Fact: Robin was into me when we first met. Fact: Even though she didn't want a relationship, we had an amazing kiss on the roof. Fact: On New Year's Eve, we kissed again. Fact: I need a date to this wedding. Wish me luck.