Barney: So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be down here celebrating. He's free. He got that red-head-tumor removed.
Ted: You should write and illustrate children's books.
Barney: You know what Marshall needs to do? He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

Barney: I didn't get your message until I woke up. Bro, I am so sorry.
Marshall: Thanks.
Barney: I know it must be tough. But are you ready to hear something that will not only make you feel better, but will actively excite you?
Marshall: Sure.
Barney: For the first time ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it's going to be legendary! Together, we will own this city. Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge-drinking, we will be there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "What's up New York?", we will be what is up New York! Gentlemen, we are about to embark on... [Barney looks at Robin, then Ted] Oh man, you guys did it, didn't you?!

Marshall: Barney, I really don't think this is gonna help.
Barney: Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. You can't get over a woman until you can no longer picture her boobs. It's a scientific fact. The average male brain can only store a finite number of boob images, or BPEGs and your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's.
Marshall: There are a lot of them.
Barney: They won't go away until you overwrite them with images of other women's boobs. Now, this journey may take as many as a million boobs so we begin here tonight my friend. Two at the time. Those count as four.

Future Ted: [v.o.] One thing I learned that summer is that when love is beginning and love is ending, the first thirty days are remarkably similar. For one thing, you spend most of the time in bed. Your friends can't stand to listen to you. And you never seems to wear pants.

Marshall: So, I found her shampoo. I guess she left it here. It smells like her. Like lavender and seashells. Hope. Somehow erotic and comforting all at the same time.
Robin: That's my shampoo.
Marshall: Oh. Sorry.

[Marshall walks into the bathroom while Ted and Robin take a shower together:]
Marshall: Well, I called her. And get this, she changed her number. Well like I'm gonna stalk her or something? Like she's so special?! Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there? 'Cause there are four others in the San Francisco area alone, and they all seem a lot better than her, based on the brief conversations I had with them!
Robin: [to Ted] Does he know I'm in here?
Marshall: Yeah. Hey Robin. Anyway, one of the Lily Adrins...

Ted: We've tried everything. Baseball, strippers. The guy still won't eat a damn pancake. I think he's beyond repair.
Robin: See, this is the problem with guys, you don't know how to deal with heartbreak.
Barney: So what's your prescription, Dr Oestrogen? Eat Haagen-Dazs and Watch Love actually until your periods sync up?

[Robin and Marshall are at a shooting range]
Robin: [after firing] Yeah, that's the stuff.
Marshall: Oh my God! How long have you been doing this?
Robin: My Dad taught me to shoot when I was a kid. Now, whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here and it reminds me that... guns are fun!
Marshall: Um, you know, Ted is kinda against guns.
Robin: That's why Ted never gonna find out about this. Whoa! That sort of got scary with me holding a gun, didn't it? No, I just mean, please don't tell Ted.

Marshall: I have to go down there and I have to tell her I love her. I have to beg to take me back even if I have to tell on my knees.
Robin: Marshall, you can't do that!
Marshall: Really? Why not?
Future Ted: [v.o.] 56 days. That's how long it took me to get right about here.
Ted: Because you're pathetic! I'm sorry. But right now, you are not Marshall. You are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Lily. You know who might have a shot somewhere down the line? Marshall. The real Marshall. But if you go down there now like this, you'll blow it for him and he's never gonna forgive you. Of course, whatever I say, you just will do the opposite so, have a great weekend, good luck screwing up your life. Come on, Robin... Is it still OK if we borrow the car?
Barney: Bold. Bold to go for the car.

Future Ted: [v.o.] OK, where were we? It was June 2006 and life had just taken an unexpected turn.
Daughter: Can't you just skip ahead to the part where you meet Mom? I feel you've been talking for, like, a year
Future Ted: Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important. It's all part of the story.
Son: Can I go to the bathroom?
Future Ted: No. The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful. For me, it started out great. In fact, day one was amazing. I'd finally gotten together with Robin. But while I'd been off having one of the best nights of my life, your Uncle Marshall had been having one of the worst nights of his.