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40Quotes from ‘Pilot’

How I Met Your Mother: Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired September 19, 2005

In the year 2030, Ted Mosby decides to tell his kids the story of how he met their mother. Back in 2005, Ted meets Robin, and Marshall proposes to Lily.

Quote from Barney

Barney: I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?
[flashback:]
Barney: Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live. [off Ted's look] Barney, we met at the urinal.
Ted: Oh, right. Hi.
Barney: Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't look good with your suit.
Ted: I'm not wearing a suit.
Barney: Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A. Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're... thirty.

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Quote from Barney

Lily: We're coming with you.
Ted: Barney?
Barney: Alright, but under one condition.
[cut to:]
Barney: Look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up! This is totally going in my blog!

Quote from Barney

Ted: Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck.
Barney: Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter. "This just in." Okay... [raises hand for a high-five]

Quote from Future Ted

Robin: Wow, that is one bad-ass blue French horn.
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: Mmm.
Ted: Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Son, a piece of advice. When you go on a first date you really don't wanna say "Smurf penis". Girls don't ordinarily like that. [Robin chortles] But that was no ordinary girl.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Hey.
Barney: Where's your suit!? Just once when I say suit up, I wish you'd put on a suit.
Ted: I did that one time.
Barney: It was a blazer!

Quote from Barney

Barney: And as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game I like to call... "Have you met Ted?"
Ted: Wait. No, no, no. We're not playing "Have You Met Ted?"
Barney: [taps a woman on the shoulder] Hi, have you met Ted? [moves away]
Ted: [to Yasmine] Hi, I'm Ted.
Ted: It's a very pretty name.
Yasmine: Thanks, It's Lebanese.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Ugh. I'm exhausted. It was finger painting day at school, and a five year old boy got to second base with me.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy! I'm not ready to settle down.
Barney: How does Carl land a Lebanese girl?
Ted: The plan's always been "Don't even think about it till you're thirty"
Barney: Exactly. The guy doesn't even own a suit!

Quote from Ted

Ted: Plus, Marshall's found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I'm not, but if I was it's like, "Okay, I'm ready! Where is she?" [sees Robin]
Future Ted: [v.o.] And there she was.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Oh, your friends don't seem too happy.
Robin: Yeah, see, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend, so tonight every guy is... "the enemy".
Ted: You know, if you want to make your friend feel better, you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.
Robin: She would love that! It does look fun in the movies.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [answers phone] Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! Oh, I killed you Connor; don't make me get your mom!
Ted: Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something.
Barney: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes, and suit up!
[cut to:]
Ted: So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?
Barney: I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit!

Quote from Barney

Ted: I never do anything crazy. I'm always waiting for the moment. Planning the moment. Well she's leaving tomorrow this may be the only moment I'm gonna get! I gotta do what that guy couldn't, I gotta take the leap! Okay, not a perfect metaphor, 'cos for me it's fall in love and get married and for him it's... death.
Barney: Actually, that is a perfect metaphor. [to Marshall and Lily] By the way, did I congratulate you two?

Quote from Ted

Robin: I think I like your "Olive Theory".
Ted: I think I like your French Horn.
Robin: I think I like your nose.
Ted: I think I'm in love with you.
[cut to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Lily, Marshall and Barney: What?
[cut to the kids in the year 2030:]
Son and Daughter: What?
[back to Robin's apartment in 2005:]
Robin: What?

Quote from Ted

Ted: You know what? I'm done being single. I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met you love her. But it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman - not you, just some hypothetical woman - were to bare with me through all this. I think I'd make a damn good husband. Because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father. And walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser.
Robin: Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted: Oh, I've got references.

Quote from Ted

Robin: Good night, Ted. [Ted and Robin shake hands]
Ted: And I'm a good hand shaker.
Robin: That's a pretty great hand shake. [long look into Ted's eyes]
[cut to:]
Ted: And that was it, probably never see her again. [silence] What?
Marshall: That was the signal!
Lily: That long lingering handshake. You should've kissed her!
Barney: There's no such thing as the signal. But yeah, that was the signal.
Ranjit: Signal.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] I asked her about it years later, and yeah, that was the signal. I could've kissed her. But that's the funny thing about destiny, it happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I never thought I'd see that girl again. But it turns out, I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming. Because that kids, is the true story, of how I met your Aunt Robin.
Son: Aunt Robin?
Daughter: I thought this was about how you met mom!
Future Ted: [v.o.] Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story.


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