Quote from Bagpipes
Barney: Hey, tiger. How you holding up? Do you need a hug? You want to talk about yesterday? Safe space.
Ted: Barney thinks Lily asking you to wash your dishes right away is a sign your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink, so I do the dishes right away, what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I was always the best at being single?
Barney: Well, now I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Aw. Look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes, you think you can play with the big boys, adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your mama's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but thanks for your concern, rook.
Quote from The Final Page (Part 2)
Marshall: Oh, I forgot the lullaby. Do you know Marvin's lullaby? We sing it to him every night.
[flashback to Marshall playing guitar and singing to Marvin with Lily adding percussion:]
Marshall: Night, night, little Marvin Stars twinkle for you [Lily plays chimes] The Dreamland train's a-chuggin' [Lily blows train whistle] All your dreams will come true And the horsie says, "Good night" [Lily plays wood scraper block] And the birdie says, "Good night" [Lily blows bird whistle] And the elephant says, "Good night" [Lily plays tuba] And the skeleton playing his own rib cage Says, "Good Night" [Lily plays xylophone] And the robot says, "Good night"
Lily: [uses a voice-changing megaphone] Good night.
Man: [o.s.] Enough with the damn music!
Marshall: [singing] And Mr. Nesbit says, "Good night" And the whole world says, "Good night" Take it, Mommy.
[Lily plays the violin]
Quote from We're Not From Here
Future Ted: [v.o.] That night, Marshall, sat down to write the letter he hoped Lily would never have to read.
Marshall: [v.o.] "My dearest, sweetest, Lilypad. Let this letter be a small beacon, a tiny firefly to help light your way trough the years ahead. My love for you persists, higher than the Himalayas, deeper than a Scottish loch. [sobbing] If I died under suspicious circumstances then beware. Trust no one, not even Ted. Especially not Ted. Know that I'll always be there in your heart, whenever you need me. [sobbing] And my love for you will never die. Love. [sobbing] Your Marshmallow."
Quote from Double Date
Marshall: Lily, sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens. But even when I do, I feel so guilty that I have to imagine you... passing away first. Because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you. You're... You're just my life, baby. And I love you.
Lily: You kill me off?! I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want, but could you maybe not murder me?
Marshall: Murder? No! Baby, no. You develop a chronic illness. I spare no expense for your care. I even stand up a foundation in your name. We're, like, this close to a cure.
Quote from Dowisetrepla
Lily: Oh, what a horrible smell.
Marshall: It reeks!
Cab Driver: Oh, that's just the plant. Don't worry, they shut it down on the weekends.
Lily: Wh- What plant? What are you talking about?
Cab Driver: Don't you know? Baby, this whole neighborhood is downwind of the sewage treatment plant.
Marshall: Wait... What did you just say?
Cab Driver: I said, we're downwind of the sewage treatment plant.
[Titles: "downwind of the sewage treatment plant" -> "DOwnWInd of the SEwage TReatment PLant" -> "dowisetrepla"]
Marshall & Lily: Uh-oh.
Quote from The Fight
Marshall: Dude, fighting is for losers. We're civilized guys. Civilized guys don't fight. Unless it's with lightsabers. But that's like three to five years away, so...
Robin: Well, that's not true.
Marshall: Robin, I'm on the forums every day. Three to five Thanksgivings from now, I'm going to be carving
the turkey with Old Green.
Quote from Little Minnesota
Robin: Hey, guys.
Ted: It's freezing out there. Where's your coat?
Robin: Ted, I'm Canadian. I don't need a coat. This kind of weather is nothing for me.
Marshall: Yeah, this is like a spring day back in Minnesota, if it weren't for all the taxis and the skyscrapers and non-white people.
Ted: There aren't any black people in Minnesota?
Marshall: Not if Prince is on tour.
Quote from Right Place Right Time
[Marshall holding a poster in the booth at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: I've ranked the Presidents in order of how dirty their names sound. One: Johnson. Two: Bush. Three: Harding. Four: Polk.
[Marshall holding a poster in the apartment:]
Marshall: This circle represents "People Who Are Breaking My Heart..." and this circle represents "People Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily." And where they overlap: Cecilia.
[Marshall holding a poster at the booth in MacLaren's:]
Marshall: This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.
[Marshall returns to the apartment to find Ted, Robin and Barney standing by the "Intervention" sign:]
Marshall: What's going on?
Robin: Enough with the charts.
Barney: And the graphs.
Ted: Really any visual representation of data.
Marshall: I'm not an idiot. I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs. As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts. Let's take a look. Yes, it is true, since Cecelia, your interest in my charts has been steadily dropping. But based on recent trends, I have also made... A projection chart! And look... huge spike in interest coming! And this isn't just some dead cat bounce. This is big sustainable growth over the long term.
Barney: You're a big sustainable growth.
Quote from Cleaning House
Ted: Wow. Loretta really lied a lot to her kids.
Lily: Well, she's not alone. Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper, his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick" and give him cough medicine until he passed out.
Marshall: I'm pretty sure that's what stunted my growth. I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade, and then I just stopped.
Quote from Tailgate
Marshall: Lily, this is 200 pages of detailed accounts about Bigfoot, ghosts, aliens abducting people from their beds and probing them. I'm going to read it to Baby Eriksen at night-night.
Lily: You really want to read our kid bedtime stories about monsters?
Marshall: First of all, I wouldn't use the "M" word. Only they can call themselves that. And secondly, are you really saying you don't want to raise our child as a believer?
Lily: I don't want to brainwash our child to believe in something with no proof.
Marshall: It's not about proof; it's about faith. Faith is what gives life shape and meaning. I mean, if there aren't yetis or leprechauns, what's the point of even getting up in the morning?
Lily: I don't know. Wife, unborn child, drop a deuce?
Marshall: Lily, don't you think it's a bit narcissistic not to allow for something bigger than us out there? Something whose beauty and power and majesty humbles us?