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25Quotes from ‘The Stinson Missile Crisis’

How I Met Your Mother: The Stinson Missile Crisis

704. The Stinson Missile Crisis

Aired October 3, 2011

In a court-mandated therapy session, Robin tells the tale of how she helped Barney give up all his tricks to attract women. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily feel Ted is getting too involved in their pregnancy.

Quote from Barney

Robin: [v.o.] So Barney and I were finishing packing his apartment...
[flashback to Robin and Barney in his apartment:]
Robin: Okay. One last item on the checklist. Disconnect the Cold Call 5000.
Barney: [chuckles]
Robin: What the hell's that?
Barney: I was able to secure the customer database from a company that sells body glitter and high-end pasties. The Cold Call 5000 will dial every female client between the ages of 22 and 23, and leave the following message: "Hi, I know this is crazy, but I saw you on the subway, and I knew we were meant to be. If you believe in destiny, come to MacLaren's tonight and find me, Barney Stinson. Because I have this feeling that I'm supposed to be on you- with you."
Robin: Why not re-record it?
Barney: I did like a hundred takes. It kept happening.

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Quote from Lily

Lily: The wine looks good.
Ted: Hey, hey, hey, hey, pregnant women can't drink alcohol.
Lily: No, my doctor says it's okay to have a sip of wine every now and then.
Ted: Really?
Lily: Dr. Sonya's great. Whenever you ask her if you can have something, she's, like...
[flashback to Marshall and Lily at the doctor's office:]
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
[present:]
Ted: Wait, Dr. Sonya doesn't let you have sushi, does she?
[flashback to Marshall and Lily at the doctor's office:]
Dr. Sonya: Just a little bit.
[present:]
Ted: You're allowed to have Cheetos?
[flashback to Marshall and Lily at the doctor's office:]
Dr. Sonya: Cheetos. Ah, just a little bit.

Quote from Barney

Lily: I can't believe you're still running plays on dumb blondes! I thought you were serious about Nora!
Barney: No, I've been good, I swear! I just forgot about my BDSes.
Robin: BDSes?
Barney: Bimbo Delivery Systems. You see, over the years, I've launched a variety of elaborate systems that are
always working to get me laid. Like my pop-up ads.
[video on computer:]
Barney: Oh, hi. I'm Dr. Barney Stinson. Are your really large breasts making everyday tasks difficult?
Woman: Oh! There's just got to be a better way!
Barney: There is! I, Dr. Barney Stinson, for a limited time only, can give you a free breast-reduction consultation. Call me. If your knockers are just too damn big, I can handle them... it.

Quote from Barney

Barney: That scam was so successful, it spawned a related enterprise.
[video:]
Barney: If you've been fooled by a well-endowed man who claimed to be a doctor offering free breast-reduction consultations, come see me, Arnie Linson, attorney-at-law, and join my class-action suit. If your giant breasts have been wronged, I can handle them... it.

Quote from Barney

Robin: But hey, you know what? We're almost through our checklist. Okay? Okay?
Barney: Okay.
Robin: Which reminds me, why am I calling a hair salon and saying, "Jack Fantastic is quitting"?
[flashback to a camp Barney cutting a woman's hair at a salon:]
Barney: [Southern accent] Sweetheart, it's like Maya Angelou keeps telling Oprah, and I keep telling you: When you know better, you do better.
Woman: Wow, you are so wise. I wish you were straight so I could date you.
Barney: Well, as a matter of fact, I have an extremely attractive straight twin brother!

Quote from Robin

Robin: I can't believe I'm talking to a therapist. Well, usually, I'm not the touchy-feely, talk-about-your-emotions type, but with this, I just had to be a big enough person to admit that I need help. Huh. I guess this is what growing up feels like.
Kevin: This is court-mandated therapy. You assaulted a woman.
Robin: Oh ,that silly thing. I guess we can talk about that. It all began a few months ago. There's this guy, Barney. We used to date. I set him up with this girl I work with, Nora. Barney was working hard to prove he was
real boyfriend material. So, all week, I had to sit there watching him, send flowers, chocolates, balloons. Then one day...
[flashback to Robin at work:]
Robin: Hey, I heard Barney didn't send anything today. Patrice said maybe he met somebody else. She's such
a bitch, right?
Barney: [singing] When a man loves a woman Can't keep his mind on nothin' else
Patrice: He's so dreamy.
Robin: Nobody asked you, Patrice!

Quote from Ted

Ted: This is unacceptable. I'm sorry, we're gonna have to find a new doctor. Guys, for the health of our baby...
Marshall: Our?
Ted: We have to get serious about what Lily is putting in her body. Speaking of which, when we deliver, we won't be using any drugs.
Lily: [demonic voice] Get out!
Ted: Why are you kicking me out?!
Lily: Because you're always intruding on our intimate moments! This is like college all over again!
[flashback to Ted ignoring the sock on the door as he enters his dorm room:]
Ted: Man, you guys sure are messy! There's clothes everywhere. There's even a sock on the door!
[back:]
Lily: A sock on the door is a universal code for "We need some space." We needed it back then, and we need it now.
Ted: Come on! We're a trio! We've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred.
Lily: Out!
Ted: Romeo and Juliet and the Apothecary.
Lily: Now!
Ted: Salt and Pepper and Cumin!

Quote from Barney

Robin: What's that thing?
Barney: Well, for some women, it was the ashes of my parents. For others, it was the trophy from Wimbledon. And believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set, match.

Quote from Barney

Barney: [on the phone] Port Authority Mitch. You'd always call me whenever a wide-eyed farm girl would get off the bus with big dreams of Broadway and no idea what a "casting director" could legally ask her to do, hold or lick during an audition. I'm sorry, old friend, your services are no longer needed. [sobbing] Oh, God, I can't believe I'm doing this over the phone! My love to Marge and the kids!
Robin: I know. Here.
Barney: I didn't realize this would be so hard!

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: I'm so sorry, Lily. You have just a little bit. I realize now that it's my job for the next seven months to keep you happy, and that's why... I'm no longer withholding sex.
Lily: My hero. But I want to make sure that you feel comfortable with Dr. Sonya, too.
Marshall: I do. And you know what, the fact that she's so calm and laid back, maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe that's exactly what we're gonna want in that delivery room.
[flash forward:]
Dr. Sonya: Lily, if you don't push, I will shove this baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth!
Lily: [screams] Where the hell is Marshall?!
Future Ted: [v.o.] That's a crazy story, kids. I'll get to that.


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