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37Quotes from ‘Bachelor Party’

How I Met Your Mother: Bachelor Party

219. Bachelor Party

Aired April 9, 2007

Ted takes control of Marshall's bachelor party so Barney won't make it all about strippers and gambling. Meanwhile, Robin gives Lily an inappropriate gift at her wedding shower.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] So, when the day arrived, we all climbed into a rented Escalade and set out. Now, every bachelor party is usually made up of the same stock characters. You've got the groom, the best man, the guy who speaks only in clichés...
Stuart: Dead man walking!
Future Ted: ...the guy who disappears at the beginning of the night and doesn't show up again until the end.
Brad: All right, who's up for a little blackjack before we check in.
Barney: No, no, no.
Marshall: None for me.
Ted: See you guys back at the room, then.
Future Ted: And, of course, well... Barney. Every bachelor party has a Barney.

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Quote from Barney

Future Ted: That same night, aunt Lily was having a wedding shower. And Robin showed up gift in hand. Funny story about that gift.
Robin: Hey, Barney, check out what I got Lily for her shower. It's kind of racy. Think you can handle it?
Barney: Uh, I've been in a ten-way. So, yeah.
Robin: It's kind of see-through.
Barney: Whoa, ho ho! You weren't kidding! You know when you should give that to her? 1850. Robin, it's her bridal shower! All her friends are gonna be there, they're going to be drinking. You need to get her something daring, something outrageous.
Robin: Well, what do you think I should get her?
Barney: There's a store on Eighth Avenue that specializes in... How to put this delicately? Uh, battery-powered, adult-recreational fake penises.
Future Ted: And so Aunt Robin went to a store on Eighth Avenue, and a battery-powered, adult-recreational... Well, it was something inappropriate. And we're back in.

Quote from Robin

Lily: Oh. And this one's from... Grandma Lois.
Grandma Lois: Oh. No, wait, darling. Before you open this, I-I want to say a few words.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Okay, something you need to know. Grandma Lois thought she was giving her granddaughter an antique sewing machine. And we're back in.
Grandma Lois: Honey, this handy little device has been in our family for generations. I used it, your great grandmother used it. Now, her mother didn't use this one, but she used one just like it. Of course, back then, they were made out of wood. And, uh, I guess before that, you just had to do it by hand.
Janice: Would you pass the wine, please?
Robin: No.

Quote from Robin

Grandma Lois: When I was a girl, my mother taught me and my sister to use it. We used to have contests to see who could finish faster. It was so exciting. The whole family would gather around to watch. And when I was a new bride, this is what kept me buzy all those long nights when your grandfather was in Korea. And speaking of your grandfather, though I don't think he'd care to admit this to any of his army buddies, but... he'd have a go at it every once in a while. And he enjoyed it. Oh, open it up, sweetie. May this give for you as much joy as it's brought me.
Lily: [Lily is speechless when she opens the gift] .... Grandma, um... Wow.
Grandma Lois: Well, take it out, honey. I want to show you how to use it.
Robin: Okay, no, no! Don't take it out. Lily, that's not your grandma's gift. It's mine. I panicked, and I switched the cards because I was embarrassed.

Quote from Barney

[flashback to MacLaren's in the summer of 2006:]
Barney: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Marshall: [sobbing] Lily.
Barney: Ah, I got to go.
[Barney hops in a cab]
Barney: Newark Airport, please.
[Barney arrives in San Francisco, knocks on Lily's door]
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barney, what are you doing here? I can't believe it's really you. Come in, have a seat. Do you want some tea? I know the apartment's small, but I don't need much space. Let me show you some of my paintings. I think it's some of my best work ever. Just stop it. Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something that most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him, and if you knew what he was going through right now, you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know, and it won't be long until someone else realizes that, and you'll lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening, and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never, ever tell anyone I was here. I will deny it tooth and nail. This trip never happened. [exits, returns] Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do, Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?

Quote from Lily

Lily: I can't believe you got me this.
Robin: Oh, I only did it as a joke. I can return it for you you want.
Lily: Oh, no, it's okay. You don't have to go all the way back down there. I'll, I'll just throw it away.
Robin: Well, I mean, if you were going to throw it away, maybe I'll take it in case I get invited to another wedding shower. It's a great gag gift.
Lily: Yeah, it's really funny. You know who would get a kick out of it? Marshall. So, so maybe I'll just hold on to it.
Robin: I would be embarrassed if Marshall found out that I bought it for you, so I'd better just take it.
Lily: Robin, leave it.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] It took me a while to figure out but the key to understanding your Uncle Barney is this. When times are hard, it's impossible to keep him around. Like when your aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall were broken up.
Barney: Hey. What are you guys talking about?
Marshall: [sobbing] Lily.
Barney: I got to go.
Future Ted: But when times are good, it's impossible to get rid of him.
Barney: What are you guys doing?
Ted: We just finished planning Marshall's bachelor party.
Barney: Good, you haven't started yet. Let's talk logistics. Now, have you laid out ground rules with Lily? Where you are or aren't allowed to touch or be touched? Show me on Ted.

Quote from Robin

Lily: An egg beater! Aw, thank you, Aunt Sylvia! I love that it's cordless.
Robin: Well, at least I got that part right.

Quote from Robin

Lily: All of these gifts are so thoughtful.
Robin: [communicating telepathically] Lily? I need you to look at me right now and read my mind.
[Lily looks at Robin]
Robin: Oh, my God! You're hearing me!
Lily: [telepathically] Yeah! Sorry this party's so boring. What's up?
Robin: Do not open my gift. See what I'm doing here? I'm looking over at the gift, then back at you, and I'm shaking my head, "no." Gift. You. No. Are you getting that?
Lily: I totally got it.
[Janice walks over to Lily, then to Robin and hands her a tampon]
Janice: Here you go. Lily said it was your time of the month.
Lily: [telepathically] You're welcome.

Quote from Lily

Woman: Well, what is it?
Janice: It's just like the one Miranda gave to Charlotte on Sex and the City.
Aunt Florence:Oh, I love that show. I always watch it on TBS.
Janice: Oh, you would. You're such a Samantha!
Aunt Florence: Oh, I'm a Carrie! You're a Samantha!
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then the night became a whole new kind of uncomfortable.
Janice: So where do I get one of these?
Lily: Mom!

Quote from Barney

Marshall: You really did that?
Ted: Marshall, I think Barney's your best man.
Marshall: Yeah. Yes, he is.
Barney: See, Lily? This is why I didn't... Really?
Marshall: Really.
Barney: Real... [to Ted] In your face, loser!
Marshall: Take it easy, all right. Ted's still my best man, too. You guys are co-best men.
Barney: Right. Yes, we're both best man. [winks]
Marshall: No, um, seriously. You guys are co-best men.
Barney: Of course. [winks]


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