Barney: I'm sorry I lied to you. I'll tell you everything. The whole story.
Quinn: Fine. You have one minute before I walk out that door.
Barney: Um, it's, uh, kind of a long story, Quinn. Gonna take a bit little longer than a minute.
Quinn: 52 seconds.
Barney: Seven years ago, when Marshall and Lily got engaged, Ted saw Robin across a crowded room, and I said, "Oh, yeah, you just know she likes it dirty," but Ted really liked her so we played "Have you met Ted?" They went to dinner, he walked her home, shoulda kissed her, didn't - lame - so he stole a smurf pen1s, went back to her place, should've kissed her, didn't. Lame. He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof, but decided to be friends - lame - then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria, didn't kiss her either - lame - not a great closer, Ted. But he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany, Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin, Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil, came back with a Latin stud, Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning that as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up... [intake of breath] Robin and I started dating, I got fat, her hair fell out. We broke up, Robin dated Don, I dated Nora, cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora, Robin dated Kevin, but not for long, and then I met you and you took my grandpa's watch but I fell in love with you anyway, and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said yes and we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything! Also I went on The Price Is Right and won a dune buggy.
Quinn: Goodbye, Barney.

Robin: Hey, are you guys sure you can handle champagne? You haven't slept in like a week. We should just call it a night.
Lily: Oh, I see what this is about. You feel weird because Barney's engaged.
Robin: What?! No. Of course not. And I will tell you why it's not weird.
Marshall: What's not weird?
Robin: The fact that Barney's engaged.
Lily: Barney's engaged?!
Marshall: Heck, this calls for some champagne. I think there's some in the fridge.
Robin: Oh, my God, why don't you both just admit it: You're deliriously exhausted.
Both: We're fine!
Robin: Really?
Lily: We're not gonna be the kind of people who have a baby and become total zombies.
Marshall: Yes, Robin. We're not gonna be the kind of people that have a zombie and become total babies.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, I was also gloriously happy, driving off into the sunset with Victoria, who left her fiance Klaus at the altar for me. There was just one problem.
Ted: Wow. I wonder if Klaus found your note yet.
Victoria: My note?
Ted: Yeah, you know, the "I'm leaving you at the altar" note.
Victoria: Is that a thing?
Ted: When you leave someone at the altar, you always leave a note. It's common courtesy.
Victoria: I think common courtesy went out the window when I did.
Ted: Look, when Stella left me at the altar, at least I got an explanation. I mean, that note is what keeps you sane. You read it, you re-read it, you memorize it, you sleep with it, you sniff it because it still kind of smells like her, and then, finally... You let it go. Tied to a brick, right through her perfect little suburban bay window.

Quinn: So, Barney and I have already disagreed on a few of the wedding details. I want to go with a buffet, and he wants to ride down the aisle on a grizzly bear.
Barney: He'll be wearing a tux. Fine, fine, I'll settle for a panda bear, but you have to call my tailor. He'll be furious about the switch.

[a little ways down the road:]
Woman: Oh, you look like you're coming from a wedding. Was it a nice one?
Ted: Uh, it's a long story, and I don't mean to be rude, but I really don't feel like talking about it. It all started when the bride asked to see me...
[10 hours earlier:]
Ted: Wow.
Robin: Okay, don't sugarcoat it, Mosby. Just give it to me straight, okay? How bad is Barney freaking out right now?
Ted: Oh, he's fine. No, I'm serious. He's totally fine.
[meanwhile, Marshall and Lily are wrestling Barney as he attempts to climb out of a window:]
Barney: I have a better tie at home! It's cornflower blue! It's cornflower blue!
[back:]
Ted: You may rest assured, Barney Stinson is absolutely 100% going through with this wedding.
Robin: Okay. Good news. Um, just one small issue, uh... I can't go through with this wedding.

Ted: Okay, calm down, everyone feels this way on their wedding day. It'll pass.
Robin: No. It's more than that. I'm having a serious crisis. And I wonder if it would be hard to climb out that window.
Ted: Uh, climbing out's easy. Climbing in's the real challenge.
Robin: Oh, right. It's the same window, isn't it?
Ted: Yeah.

Future Ted: [v.o.] That story transpired in May of 2012. As you may recall, Lily and Marshall were gloriously happy having just welcomed your cousin Marvin. While Barney and Quinn were gloriously happy having just gotten engaged. And Robin, well...
Robin: Ah, got it! Man, that sum'bitch had been in there since breakfast! Robin 1 - Poppyseed 0.

Marshall: This calls for champagne. I think there's some in the fridge.
Barney: We'll get it. We're totally not gonna go have sex in the kitchen, if that's what you're thinking.
Quinn: Aw, we're not?
Barney: No, no, we are. I already took off your bra.

Quinn: Hey. So... I am thinking about my bridal party and, uh, I don't have a lot of girlfriends. I mean, I have work friends, but I worked at a strip club and I know they'll just complain about any bridesmaid's dress that has a front, so... Would you guys be my bridesmaids?
Marshall: I'd be honored. Yes!
Quinn: Not you, Marshall. But, yay, thank you!

Robin: Yeah, now it's weird.
Lily: What's weird?
Robin: Me being Quinn's bridesmaid.
Lily: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, sweetie. She probably won't even ask you.
Robin: She just did. And we both said yes.
Marshall: Heck, this calls for some champagne. I think there's some in the fridge.