Ted: What, you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you?
Barney: Oh, indubitably. I'm meeting the first one here any minute. Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater. Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me. Semi-colon, end parentheses.

Barney: You guys remember Ranjit.
Ranjit: Hello.
Ted: Hey, Ranjit. Good to see you.
Barney: I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week, I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women, and I don't wanna take the subway, 'cause, you know, germs.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I remember one time we all gathered at my apartment to watch the Super Bowl. Well, not all of us.
Announcer: [on TV] Welcome back to Super Bowl XLIV in Miami. Get a load of that guy. You think that's his real number?
[In the crowd at the Super Bowl, a suited-up Barney holds up a sign reading "HEY LADIES CALL BARNEY STINSON 1-917-555-0197]
Ted: Well, that explains where Barney is.
Robin: Dibs on his wings.

Barney: Hey, guys.
Ted: Hi.
Barney: Does anyone know who won the Super Bowl?
Marshall: You were there. It was the...
Barney: I won. [cell phone ringing] Because I am now in possession of a magic phone that always rings. And do you know who's always, usually, on the other end? A chick. So how many chicks do I have calling me now? Infinity!

Robin: I do not love Don.
Marshall: Robin, neurologically speaking, the part of the human brain that makes you hate people is located right next to the part of the brain that makes you wanna jump people's bones. The two responses are so similar it's hard to tell them apart.
Ted: You know what it's like? Wait, I have to get a book. Give me 30 seconds.
[Ted rushes out of MacLaren's. He returns 22 minutes later:]
Ted: Okay, this is fun. Look at this picture. It's a rabbit. You can look at it for hours and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit. But then one day, you look at it, and you realize, "Wait a second, it's a duck." It's a rabbit. It's a duck. Rabbit. Duck. Rabbit. Duck. Isn't this fun?
Future Ted: [v.o.] It sure was.

Marshall: Relationships are like that. I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him. You thought, "This guy's a duck." But one of these days, you're gonna realize, "This is actually something that I love. He's a rabbit."
Ted: Whoa. I think you got it backwards there, buddy. The duck is the thing you love. The rabbit is the thing you hate.
Marshall: What?
Robin: Yeah, I gotta agree. Ducks up, rabbits down.
Lily: Definitely, ducks are better than rabbits.
Marshall: Are you guys... Ducks are... Ducks are... Rabbits are adorable. Ducks are, well... Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are jerks.
Future Ted: [v.o.] This led to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had. [fast-forward]
Ted: Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey!
Marshall: We're not talking about flavor, Ted!
Ted: Flavor counts! [fast-forward]
Marshall: Who carries around a duck's foot for good luck? Anyone? [fast-forward]
Robin: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I'll wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. Who's cozier? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But who's cozier? [fast-forward]
Ted: Hold on! I have to get another book!
Ranjit: [speaking forcefully in a foreign language; fast forward]
Ted: Then why don't we take a rabbit, a duck, stick 'em in a cardboard box, and let them fight it out?
Marshall: Because it's illegal, Ted!
Ted: Only if we bet on it, Marshall! [fast-forward]
Marshall: Fine! I concede! You win.
Robin: Say it.
Ted: You have to say it.
Marshall: Ducks are good. Rabbits are bad.

Marshall: You want us to arrange your marriage?
Ted: Absolutely. Look, there's two sides to dating, right? Picking and getting picked. Getting picked, I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy West Side.
Marshall: You're waiting for me to comment on your self-assigned nickname. Well, here's my comment. I love it!
Ted: Really?
Marshall: Teddy West Side, continue.

Barney: Guys, guys, guys, we're on me now. [cell phone ringing] And it is getting interesting. Look at these texts. Read this one. Yowza! Now look at this one. Does she text her mother with those fingers? Now look at this one. Or this one. Or this one. Or this one.
Ted: Okay, okay, okay, buddy. How about you do this? Go nail that girl, then read your texts.
Barney: I can't do that, Ted. I just can't hook up with a girl if there is a hotter girl out there with whom up can be hooked.
Lily: Isn't there always a hotter girl?
Barney: I know. Isn't it wonderful? [answers phone] Go for Barney. Cut to the chase, what's your cup size? Oh, hi, Mom.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Yes, kids. Sometimes there's a fine line between love and hate. Case in point...
[Barney is sitting on his bed with a woman:]
Barney: There is no place I would rather be, and no one I'd rather be with. [cell phone ringing] I should get that.
[Barney leaves his bedroom and answers his phone:]
Barney: Go for Barney. Look, I'm sorta in the middle of someone, something, right now, and... You're a hot lady bullfighter?
[Barney returns to his bedroom:]
Barney: You gotta go.

Barney: MacLaren's Pub.
Ranjit: MacLaren's Pub.
[At MacLaren's, Barney greets a hot lady bullfighter:]
Barney: Well, hello.
[Barney sits with the woman on his bed:]
Barney: There's no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be... [cell phone rings] Would you excuse me for one moment?
[Barney leaves his bedroom and answers his phone:]
Barney: Go for Barney. Look, I... You're a gold-medalist Japanese figure skater?
[Barney returns to his bedroom:]
Barney: Adiós, muchacha.