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37Quotes from ‘How Lily Stole Christmas’

How I Met Your Mother: How Lily Stole Christmas

211. How Lily Stole Christmas

Aired December 11, 2006

After Lily discovers that Ted called her a bad name while she and Marshall were separated, she takes down the Christmas decorations. Meanwhile, Barney refuses to acknowledge that he's sick.

Quote from Barney

Robin: You have to go home and get to bed.
Barney: Oh, Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north, let me tell you about a little thing I like to call mind over body. You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story. Yeah, in two minutes, I'm going to pound a sixer of Red Bull, hop in a cab, play a couple of hours of laser tag, maybe get a spray-on tan. It's gonna be legen... Wait for it... [Barney falls asleep]

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Quote from Ted

Ted: [on answering machine] Hey, Marshall. Are you lying on the couch right now moping about Lily? You are, aren't you? Well, stop it. She's not worth it. You gotta get over that Grinch.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But I didn't say "Grinch." I said a bad word. A very, very bad word.
Ted: Oh, fudge.
Future Ted: But I didn't say fudge.

Quote from Future Ted

Ted: She took the decorations. She took the decorations! What a Grinch!
Future Ted: [v.o.] That time I did say "Grinch."

Quote from Lily

Ted: Grinchy, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch.
[The lights go out]
Lily: Happy? Now, you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.
Ted: Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I...
Man: [o.s.] You use that language again and I'll turn off your water!
Lily: That's my super. He lives above me. Great. Thanks to your filthy mouth, now I'm going to have Christmas alone in the dark.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Are you sick?
Barney: [with a blocked nose] Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?
Ted: No, I meant do you have a cold?
Barney: I'm fine. [blows nose] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. Now, if you'll excuse me, the holidays are a time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Quote from Future Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, as you know, Christmas is a time you spend with your family. So in December of 2006, I had three options. Spend it with my mom and her new boyfriend Clint, spend it with my dad and his new girlfriend micro-brewing, or head down to Staten Island to spend it with my super-religious cousin Stacy and her family. So I opted for none of the above and decided to spend Christmas 2006 in Manhattan, celebrating with my other family.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Okay, I have one last paper due at 5:00 p.m. today, so until then, I will be at the law library at school, but I'm not to be disturbed for any reason.
Ted: Dude, open your eyes. You're going to hurt yourself.
Marshall: No, no. Christmas Eve winter wonderland is my reward for finishing my paper. Baby, do I smell your Sinfully Cinnamon Cookies?
Lily: Yes.
Marshall: Damn me and my heightened other senses. Must be strong. Okay, I'll be back here at 5:00. Save me at least 20 cookies and do not clean the bowl. Was that a reindeer? I don't want to know!

Quote from Ted

Lily: Hey, look. Our old answering machine.
Ted: Oh, yeah. After you left, we, uh, we unplugged it because it reminded Marshall of how you used to, you know, leave messages. But hey, you guys are back together. I say we're plugging it back in. It's good to have you back.
Lily: Thanks. Oh, hey, look, there's still some messages on here.
Alfred Mosby: [on answering machine] Hey Ted, it's Dad calling to check in. I'm going fishing this weekend with my friend Clint, so if I don't hear from you beforehand, I'll talk to you next week.
Ted: Yes, same Clint.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Oh, Ted. Oh, Teddy boy.
Ted: Why is this such a big deal? It's just a word. We use lots of words, every day. It shouldn't be any different than any other word.
Barney: [with blocked nose] Then why don't you say it now?
Ted: Grinch. [notices woman walking by] You timed that didn't you?
Barney: Perfectly.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!
Ted: That's not my middle name.
Barney: [with blocked nose] You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Ted: Like you've never said that word.
Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet. [Barney sneezes]

Quote from Barney

Barney: I don't see any mistletoe, but... [Barney sneezes on her]
Woman: Oh! Oh, God!
Barney: A "Bless you" would have been nice. [scoffs]

Quote from Barney

Robin: You're sick.
Barney: [with blocked nose] I'm not sick.
Robin: You're sick.
Barney: You know what? I am sick. Sick of you telling me I'm sick. What up? [coughs, sneezes, falls]

Quote from Barney

Robin: Barney! What the hell are you doing? Get in here, it's freezing outside. Are you insane?
Barney: Hey, blame Lily and her oppressive "no cigars in the apartment rule." God, it's like Marshall's marrying the Taliban. [Barney sneezes on his hand] High five.
Robin: Eww. No.

Quote from Barney

Robin: Where are you going?
Ted: Marshall gets home in three hours. He's gonna show up - no Lily, no winter wonderland. I gotta get up to the Bronx.
[As Ted leaves, he slams the door and wakes Barney up]
Barney: ...dary.

Quote from Ted

Ted: [answering phone] Hello?
Virginia Mosby: Ted Evelyn Mosby!
Ted: Oh. Uh, hey, Mom. Merry Christmas.
Virginia Mosby: I just got the most disturbing call from Lily. How could you use such a horrible word?
Ted: Oh, God, she called you?
Virginia Mosby: Are you acting out because of the divorce? Is-is this all about Clint?
Ted: No, Mom, why would it be about Clint?

Quote from Ted

Clint: [on the phone] Hey, buddy, it's Clint. How you doing, champ?
Ted: Hey, Clint. Listen, um, I don't really have time to...
Clint: Hey, hey, no, no, no. Ted, Ted. You don't know this yet, but you and I are going to be great friends. Now, the Native Americans have this ritual...
[Ted hangs up and takes the subway]

Quote from Barney

Barney: This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser tag right now, but instead... Don't look at me. I'm hideous.
Robin: You just look like a regular guy.
Barney: Exactly. I'm a Ted. I'm wearing elastic-waist fleece pants.
Robin: And isn't it more comfy?
Barney: Yes.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Okay, I'm sorry for calling you a... that word, over the summer, and for saying it again today. And for thinking it a lot on the subway ride over. I had no right to say that. It was hurtful and immature and I'm sorry.
Lily: Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? Huh? You're clearly still mad at me.
Ted: I'm not mad at you.
Lily: Yes, you are.
Ted: I am not mad at you, Lily. Now, can we please just...
Lily: I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me and we've moved passed it. Why can't you?
Ted: Because you never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call. Come on, Lily, we're supposed to be friends!
Lily: Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch.
Ted: You were a Grinch!

Quote from Robin

Ted: [on the phone] Oh, how's Barney feeling?
Robin: You mean the whiney bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me, so I spiked his echinacea tea with codeine.
Ted: You're gonna be a great mom.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: Merry Christmas! What's in the box?
Marshall: Only the best present for the best girl ever. It took me all day to track it down.
Lily: I thought you were writing a paper.
Marshall: Ah, naw, I blew that off. I'll get an extension. School's not important. What is that pitter patter on the roof? Could it be the sound of an awesome Christmas story about to come down the chimney? Why, yes, it is. 'Twas the day before Christmas...

Quote from Lily

Marshall: We delivered every single package on that truck. But I still have one package left to give. Yeah, I did. Merry Christmas. Open it, Baby.
Lily: Okay. Oh, my God. An Easy Bake Oven! I've wanted one of these ever since I was a little girl. In this exact model. I never told you that. How did you know?
[flashback to Ted and Lily at MacLaren's one month earlier:]
Marshall: It's our first Christmas since we got back together. I want to get her something really special. So I'm getting her a jukebox.
Ted: Wow, that's a great gift.
Marshall: Not really. It's this big and it dispenses gum.
Ted: Oh, man, I know something you could get her that would blow her mind. Ready? Eight years ago...
[flashback to Ted and Lily in their college dorm room eight years earlier:]
Lily: When I was a kid, all I wanted was an Easy Bake Oven. I begged and I begged, but all I got was a stupid Lego set because my feminist mom didn't want me conforming to traditional gender roles.
Ted: Easy Bake Oven, that's what I'm going to call my van. [Marshall enters] Dude, how was the concert?
Marshall: I couldn't find the outside.
[back to the present day:]
Lily: I can't believe Ted remembered after all these years.

Quote from Ted

Lily: Are you coming home?
Ted: Totally. But first, Lily, I owe you an apology.
Lily: Oh, for the love of God, are you as sick of apologies as I am?
Ted: Yes.
Lily: Can we just skip the apology and go straight to the forgiving?
Ted: Yes. And I promise, I will never ever call you a... you know, again.
Lily: That's okay. I was kind of a Grinch.
Boy: [o.s.] What's a Grinch?
Lily: Nothing. It's something you shouldn't say.
Boy: Mom, what's a Grinch?
[Stacy spittakes]
Both kids: Grinch, Grinch, Grinch...
Ted: Merry Christmas, everybody. [leaves]


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