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37Quotes from ‘Bad News’

How I Met Your Mother: Bad News

613. Bad News

Aired January 3, 2011

Marshall and Lily visit a specialist when they fear they will never get pregnant. Meanwhile, Robin starts her new job.

Quote from Robin

Ted: Oh, God. What did they find?
Robin: [sighs] Everything.
[The World Wide News employees watch a montage of Robin's most embarrassing moments: "Let's go to the Mall", Robin saying "I'm a dirty, dirty girl" on air, Robin vomiting on air, Robin with horrendous make-up on air, Robin hosting a crazy Japanese news program, Robin's TV commercial for adult incontinence, "Sandcastles in the Sand" music video, Space Teens]
Robin: They even found the video of me getting attacked by an owl.
Ted: You got attacked by an owl?
Robin: I did not get attacked by an owl.

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Quote from Marshall

Marshall: And so, now, I'm just scared that we won't be able to give you a grandchild.
Marvin Sr.: Aw, Marshall. We don't care about that one bit. And if you guys want kids, there are other ways. Adoption. Maybe you have a good friend who could loan you some sperm?
[Marshall thinks about Ted and Barney]
Marshall: Maybe adoption.
Marvin Sr.: What I'm saying is, we love you no matter what. Now, why don't you pretend you're in high school, get back in that bathroom, and "blow dry your hair".
Marshall: Wait, you knew?
Judy: We didn't have a hair dryer, dear.

Quote from Barney

[flashback to Lily's appointment with Dr. Stangel:]
Dr. Stangel: We'll look at all the factors that contribute to fertility: dietary, environmental, genetic. But first, Ms. Aldrin, do you have any questions for me?
Lily: Just one, "Dr. Stangel". Where'd you get the beard?
Dr. Stangel: Well, m... my mother's Armenian.
[present:]
Marshall: Lily, I've been with Barney since 9:00 a.m. Between the sexual harassment seminar all morning and the secretary beauty pageant all afternoon, he hasn't left my sight.
Lily: Wait, so you weren't wearing a fake beard and examining girl parts all day?
Barney: Not today I wasn't.

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, when Lily and Marshall started trying to have a baby, they went a little crazy.
Lily: We've been trying and trying, and still nothing's happened. I'm just worried we can't have children.
Doctor: And how long have you been trying?
Lily: Six days.
Future Ted: [v.o.] But then, months went by, and still nothing happened.
Lily: Something must be wrong. We're doing it, a lot.
Marshall: And everywhere. The kitchen, the bathroom, the living room, outside in your wait... The kitchen.
Lily: Seriously, Doc, why isn't this happening?

Quote from Lily

Marshall: Dr. John Stangel? I don't know, baby, do we really need a specialist?
Lily: Well, what's your plan, Marshall, just have unprotected sex day after day after day in every position imaginable until...? Wait, it sounded worse in my head.

Quote from Barney

Dr. Stangel: All right, Ms. Aldrin, please just put your feet up in the stirrups. We can begin.
Lily: Uh-uh, no. Can't do it.
Marshall: No, but, baby, I yanked on his beard. He checks out.
Dr. Stangel: I really don't have time for this.
Marshall: No, Barney... Doctor, wait, please, it's... Can you just give us a couple minutes? I... Lily, how can I convince you that this is not Barney?
[later:]
Barney: Wow, it is like looking into a poorly dressed mirror.
Dr. Stangel: Okay, you have to go. Leave the model of the vagina.

Quote from Barney

Lily: Okay. Convinced.
Dr. Stangel: Great. All right, you're a little low on the table. Please scoot up.
Lily: "Suit up"... not convinced. This whole thing stinks to high heaven.
Marshall: Baby, you just saw Barney.
Lily: He could have pulled some crazy switch. Remember when his Swedish cousin came to visit?
Marshall: Oh, yeah. Bjorney.
Lily: Yeah, I'm sorry, but unless I see Barney at the same time, I... I'll never be sure that Dr. Stangel isn't him.
[later:]
Barney: How you doing, Lily?! Should I have a boner?!

Quote from Marshall

Robin: But I thought you talk to your dad about everything.
Marshall: I only like to call my dad with good news. I mean, telling him good news is what makes it feel real to me.
[series of flashbacks to Marshall and his dad on the phone:]
Marshall: I'm getting married!
Marvin Sr.: Yeah!
[flashback:]
Marshall: I passed the bar!
Marvin Sr.: All right!
[flashback:]
Marshall: I found an amazing Viking lamp that fits right on the coffee table, as long as we don't mind stepping over the cord.
Marvin Sr.: That's what I'm talking about!
Marshall: Right?!
[flashback:]
Marshall: I found someone who can fix the Viking lamp!
Marvin Sr.: Yeah!

Quote from Marshall

[As Marshall waits in the private room at the fertility doctor:]
Man #1: I did that in here, too. Three minutes ago.
Man #2: I was here eight minutes ago.
Man #3: 14 minutes ago.
Man #4: I'm here every Thursday.
[Marshall runs out of the room screaming]
Marshall: I can't do it, Doc. Is there, like, another option? Could I... Could I take this home?
Dr. Stangel: Sure, you could, but, uh... we close in an hour and I'm not back till Tuesday. So, clock is ticking. Make it fast.
Marshall: Only way I know how, Doc. Only way I know how.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Oh, yeah. Isn't it great? They just showed up. Your mom's already rearranged my kitchen, organized my closet, and she asked me if I lost height. Not weight. Height.

Quote from Marshall

[Marshall is in the bathroom getting ready to fill his specimen cup:]
Judy: Marshall. Marshall. I just got my new bathing suit for the beach this summer. It's a two-piece. I mean, can you imagine? Me in a two-piece bathing suit at my age? Just picture it! Picture it!
Marvin Sr.: That's why Fred Cox is the greatest kicker the Vikings ever had.
Judy: Seriously, Marshall, picture it. Just picture it.
Marvin Sr.: Give me a "C". Give me an "O". Give me an "X". What's that spell? Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox! Cox!

Quote from Marshall

[As Marshall tries to fill his specimen cup:]
Judy: And the top is so low-cut. Your father says he has front-row seats to the Minnesota Twins. Oh, oh. By the way, Marshall, we do need to know if you're coming to Florida this summer. Are you coming? Marshall? [knocks] Marshall, are you coming?

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] After his parents had gone back to Minnesota, Marshall got the results of his test.
Dr. Stangel: I'm afraid I have some very bad news, Marshall. Judging from the results of your test, it is... It is very unlikely that you'll be able to father a child.
Marshall: Oh, God.
Dr. Stangel: I know, I know.
Marshall: It's just...
Dr. Stangel: Now, in some rare cases, a regimen change can fix the problem, so I'm recommending a spirited cardio routine. Preferably with a partner, involving any light-based firearm activity in the Tri-State area. Poughkeepsie, for example. Have you heard of the gentlemen's sport known as laser tag? [Marshall pulls off Dr. Stangel's beard] Surprise!
Marshall: Damn it, Barney!


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