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40Quotes from ‘Ten Sessions’

How I Met Your Mother: Ten Sessions

313. Ten Sessions

Aired March 24, 2008

Over the course of ten sessions with his dermatologist, Stella, Ted hopes to change her mind about going out with him.

Quote from Ranjit

Ted: How we doing on time? Taxi!
Stella: We got a little time.
Ted: Okay. Do you want to walk it?
Stella: Why not?
Ranjit: Hello! [Ted taps the roof of the taxi] Good-bye!

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Quote from Ted

Barney: [laughs hysterically]
Ted: Why? Just why?
Barney: You don't remember?
[flashback to one year earlier:]
Barney: I'll bet anyone ten bucks I can get Ted to grow a mustache.
Ted: Uh... okay.
[present:]
Ted: You sabotaged my next to last chance with Stella for ten dollars?
Barney: [laughing] I know. I would've done it for free. [seriously] But, no. You owe me ten bucks.

Quote from Ted

Stella: Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp. My bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad breakup and some booze. Unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case, I think it's time to find a new gang.
Ted: No, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, and then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...

Quote from Robin

Ted: So we got off to a rocky start. That may be a problem for some guys, but I get better over time. Right? I'm not some Top 40 song... easily digestible. I'm complex. I require time and multiple listens. I'm Stairway to Heaven.
Robin: Wow, Roger Daltrey just rolled over in his grave. That's not the right guy, is it? He's not even dead, is he?

Quote from Ted

Woman #1: Is something wrong?
Ted: No, it's just, um... I'm just a little embarrassed. I thought this was a date. But it's no big deal. Don't worry about it.
Woman #2: What's wrong?
Woman #1: Ted's embarrassed because he thought this was a date.
Woman #2: [to Woman #3] Ted thought this was a date.
Woman #3: Stella, did you know Ted thought this was a date?
Stella: What? I'm not allowed to date a patient. It's an AMA rule.
Woman #3: She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.
Woman #2: She's not allowed to date patients. It's an AMA rule.
Woman #1: She's not allowed to date...
Ted: Yeah, I got it.
Man: We all got it. Ted's a schmuck.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Ted, do you know how long it takes a woman to decide whether or not she's going to sleep with a guy? 8.3 seconds. After that, her decision is made. She will not change her mind.
Ted: That's ridiculous.
Barney: Is it? Describe your first 8.3 seconds with Stella.
[flashback to Ted in the waiting room:]
Stella: Lower back butterfly tattoo, you're up.
[Ted and a woman stand up at the same time]

Quote from Ted

Ted: Give me ten sessions, I'm going to turn that "no" into a "yes."
Barney: Really, Ted? You think so? Well, tell me, how did the rest of that session go?
[flashback to Ted on the table in Stella's surgery:]
Stella: This is going to hurt a little.
Ted: Yeah, well, I can handle pain. This one time I was playing tennis, and... [high-pitched scream]
[present:]
Lily: Yeah, but tattoo removal really hurts. Everyone probably sounds like that.
[flashback:]
Abby: Doctor, are you all right? I heard a woman screaming in here. Oh.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Anyway, I don't get it. She should be into me by now.
Lily: You know, you can do this, Ted. I said that I would stop biting my nails, and kablamey. It's just a challenge. It can't be easy to woo someone while you're sticking your naked butt in their face.
Marshall: Works for baboons. It's called "presenting."

Quote from Marshall

Ted: You know what's on her shelf? That self-help book The Power of Me.
Ted: I know, I know, but I thought if I read it, maybe we'd have something new to talk about.
Marshall: It's actually a great book. It taught me the power of complete memory.
Ted: Can I borrow your copy?
Marshall: I left it somewhere. I forget.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, I'm back. [to Robin] What's going on at work?
Ted: What's the big secret?!
Barney: Oh. Oh, right.
[flashback to Barney on his phone in MacLaren's:]
Barney: [on the phone] Hi, I'd like to see Dr. Zinman, please.
Abby: Sure, what's it regarding?
Barney: Oh, I just want to see her. Want to look at her, see what she looks like.
Abby: I-I don't understand.
Barney: I'm sorry, did I accidentally oprima numero dos when I called? Do you speak English? I want to see her!
Abby: Sir, please don't yell at me because when people yell at me, I have a tendency to start crying.
Barney: What are your credentials?!
Abby: Please don't do that. Please.
Barney: I want to know who am I speaking with!

Quote from Barney

[Flashback to Barney meeting Stella:]
Barney: [v.o.] At first she seemed great, beautiful, smart, way out of your league. But then, I overheard this conversation.
Stella: Oh, Abby, did my hypnotherapist call yet?
Abby: No.
Stella: [sighs] When am I going to kick this folliculaphilia?
[present:]
Ted: Folliculaphilia?
Barney: Folliculaphilia.
Ted: What is that?
Barney: Ted, your perfect woman can only be attracted to men with moustaches.
Ted: [laughs] That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. That's not real.
Barney: You're right, Ted. I'm just making that up.
Ted: I know that you are because there's no such thing.
Robin: I got it a little bit.

Quote from Ted

Ted: There it is. She's a mom. It's just not gonna happen.
Marshall: Sorry, dude. Have a shrimp.
Ted: I'm good. I guess I got no one but myself to blame. She told me right from the start she was gonna say no and sure enough... Wait a minute.
[Outside Stella's building:]
Stella: Hi.
Ted: Hi. You didn't actually say no.
Stella: What do you mean?
Ted: All this time you were, uh, you were supposed to say no, but you didn't... I checked the transcript. So, here's what I'm proposing. Uh... You only have two minutes, right?
Stella: Right.
Ted: Okay. You want to, uh... go on a a two-minute date with me?
Stella: Last two-minute date I had gave me a daughter. But, um, okay.
Ted: Great.

Quote from Ted

Ted: And... [looks at Stella's watch] go. Taxi!
Ranjit: Hello!
Stella: Ted, I seriously only have two minutes...
Ted: I know.
Stella: That's like 120 seconds.
Ted: 380 West 22nd, please. And step on it. We're in a hurry.
Stella: 380 West 22nd? That's...
[They get out of the taxi just down the road and go towards an outdoor table:]
Ted: Right this way.
Stella: Thank you, sir. You know, I have always wanted to try this place.
Waitress: House salad.

Quote from Ted

Ted: So, college?
Stella: Stanford.
Ted: Uh-huh. Wesleyan.
Stella: Oh, good. Do you know Adam Lazar?
Ted: No. Scott Crable?
Waitress: Eggplant parmesean.
Ted: Thanks.
Stella: Oh, already cut up. Nice.
Ted: Could we get the check please. We're trying to make a movie in 15 seconds.
Waitress: Of course.
Ted: Okay, great. Uh, how do you want to do this? You had the eggplant parm. I only really had water so... I'm kidding.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Let's go. Taxi! You nervous?
Stella: A little bit.
Ted: You can't tell at all.
Stella: Oh, good. Yeah.
Ranjit: Hello!
Ted: 384 West 22nd.
Stella: 15 seconds. The movie's started.
[Ted and Stella get out of the taxi a little further down the street. They sit down on outdoor chairs in front of an electronics store:]
Ted: Nah, previews. We'll be fine. Ah! Just in time. It hasn't started yet.
Stella: So, what are we seeing?
Ted: Manos: Hands of Fate.
Stella: The whole thing?
Ted: Only the important parts. Worst movie ever.
Stella: Yeah, I almost walked out, like, five times.

Quote from Ted

Ted: So what grade's your daughter in?
Stella: Third grade.
Ted: Ah! That's a good year.
Stella: Yeah, she's wonderful. I just wish that I could get her to quit smoking, you know?
Ted: What?
Stella: I'm kidding.
Ted: Oh. Look, coffee and dessert?
Stella: You know, this neighborhood just keeps on changing. This used to be a cute, little Italian restaurant.
Ted: I know. New York. It's a living organism, an ever-changing tapestry. Ooh, look at the time. Let's go.
Stella: Mmm, the cheesecake's amazing.

Quote from Ted

Ted: Flowers?
Stella: I'm allergic.
Ted: Okay. See? We're getting to know each other. Stella, I had a lovely... Doggy bag? Stella, I had a lovely time.
Stella: Me, too, Ted.
Ted: And... date.
Stella: Huh?
Ted: That wasn't so bad, right? No lengthy, awkward silences. Dessert ran a little long, so... I had to cut the good-night kiss.
Stella: I think I can be late just once. [Ted and Stella kiss] Ted...
Ted: Look, I would love to have a second date, I would. But I understand that you really don't have time right now, but if you ever do, will you give me a call?
Stella: Yes.
Ted: Okay.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that, kids, is how you turn a "no" into a "yes."

Quote from Barney

Abby: He seemed so nice but then he just kept toying with my emotions.
Barney: Wow. This Ted guy sounds like a real jerk. You know your problem? You're too sweet.
Abby: Aren't you going to see the doctor about that mole?
Barney: Oh, yeah. Turns out it's just a Raisinet. Hey, how would you like me to take you out to a fancy restaurant and then go on a shopping spree? Treat you the way you should be treated. Would that make you forget about that Ted monster?
Abby: My mom was wrong. There are nice guys in New York.
Barney: We just have to go by my hotel room first. My bed was broken. I just have to make sure they fixed it.
Abby: Well, then if it's fixed, can we can have sex on it and then go shopping?
Barney: I like you.


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