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25Quotes from ‘The Exploding Meatball Sub’

How I Met Your Mother: The Exploding Meatball Sub

620. The Exploding Meatball Sub

Aired April 11, 2011

Lily does her best to support Marshall when he quits his job at GNB to take a position at the NRDC. Barney, however, is distraught to no longer be working with Marshall. Meanwhile, Ted and Zoey don't see eye-to-eye on anything.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Fine! The reason I'm upset about Marshall leaving GNB is... is...
Robin: Hey. [holds Barney's hand]
Barney: ...the meatball sub.
Robin: Huh?
Barney: It all started months ago in the GNB commissary. It was Meatball Sub Day. [v.o.] Oh, how I used to love Meatball Sub Day. And then, the most humiliating moment of my life.
Marshall: Hey, buddy, I think you got a tiny little bit of marinara sauce on your tie there. [chuckles]
Barney: [v.o.] I plotted my revenge for weeks. But nothing seemed right. Then it hit me. The answer was
so elegant and simple. An exploding meatball sub. For months, I experimented. More... marinara sauce. Finally, the sub was perfected. The plan was in place. The snare was baited. And then.. he quit, Robin, he quit! It's Meatball Sub Day today, which is why I wanted Marshall to come over and have lunch. But no. All that work wasted. [quiet sobs] You want to make God laugh, tell him your plans, right?

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Quote from Barney

[ten years later, the gang join Barney in his apartment as he looks to be on his death bed:]
Robin: You're too young. This isn't fair.
Marshall: We're not going anywhere, buddy. We're gonna stay here right till the end.
Barney: [weakly] Thank you, Marshall. [coughs weakly] Marshall, can I ask one final favor, my friend?
Marshall: Yes, of course, of course. Anything.
Barney: Eat this meatball sub.
Marshall: Wh- Where'd you get a meatball...
Barney: I don't have much time!
Marshall: Okay, yes, yes, of course. Of course. Does this have some sort of special meaning?
[The meatball sub explodes and covers Marshall's face in marinara sauce]
Barney: [guffawing] I'm not sick, you idiots! I've racked up $30,000 of uninsured medical bills for symptoms I don't even have. Totally worth it! You should see the look on your face. Oh, wait, you can't 'cause it's covered in marinara sauce! [guffawing]
Ted: Uh, Barney, you got a little marinara on your pajamas.

Quote from Barney

Future Ted: [v.o.] Now around this time, Marshall had truly come to hate his job. He hated the paperwork. He hated the coffee. He hated the dirty jokes. He hated everything.
Marshall: I have to quit.
Barney: Quit GNB?! Why?
Marshall: I need to do better things with my life, okay? There's- There's an opening for an environmental lawyer at the National Resources Defense Council. Sure, it pays less, but I'd be saving the oceans, saving endangered species...
Barney: Saving chicken bones and an old boot to make hobo soup? Marshall, you can't pay your mortgage with Hacky Sacks and good vibes.

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] So Marshall walked in the next morning all ready to quit. But then something weird happened. Suddenly, he didn't hate the paperwork. He didn't hate the coffee. He didn't even hate the dirty jokes. Out of nowhere, Marshall actually liked GNB.
Robin: It's graduation goggles.
Marshall: What?
Robin: Graduation goggles, like with high school. It's four years of bullies making fun of all the kids with braces, even after the braces come off and they can walk just fine. But then, on graduation day, you suddenly get all misty because you realize you're never going to see those jerks again.

Quote from Robin

Barney: I don't want to talk about it, okay?
Robin: Why not?
Barney: Because I don't. And why am I explaining this to you? You're the most secretive person I know. You never tell anybody anything.
Robin: I've never... told anyone this before. Um... I was 16. I was awakened around midnight by the sound of my father arguing with his business partner, Andy Grenier. As things grew heated... I watched my father's hand
slowly coil around the heavy antique clock on his desk. [later] The sun was just starting to rise over the bramble orchard as we packed the fresh earth down with the flats of our shovels. My dad and I got our stories straight. We walked back to the house in silence and... haven't talked about it since. But sometimes... on a still night... you can still hear that clock, ticking... ticking... [quietly] ticking.
Barney: That's... The most harrowing story I've ever heard. Is it true?
Robin: No. [Barney sighs] But it did get you to drink three scotches, which is why you're ready to spill your guts.

Quote from Robin

Barney: Ted, why are you dating our arch-enemy?! I mean, Wile E. Coyote wasn't trying to sleep with the Roadrunner.
Robin: Or maybe he was. Think about it. The way that she bats her eyelashes and shakes her tail feathers in his face? [chuckles] She wants it.

Quote from Ted

Lily: You guys are in screaming matches all the time.
Ted: Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. Growing matches.
Future Ted: [v.o.] It was true. Zoey and I loved to challenge each other.
[flashback to Ted and Zoey watching a movie in the apartment:]
Ted: The main character is a young spoiled prince thrust into leadership after the death of his father. It's obviously a modern-day retelling of Henry IV!
Zoey: Are you kidding me?! It's Don Quixote, the classic quest story with the hero-jester and his long-suffering manservant!
Ted: Okay, clearly, when we're watching Tommy Boy, we're watching two different movies.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Your relationship sounds exhausting.
Ted: Well, maybe yours is a bit lazy.
Lily: Marshall and I have been together 15 years, and the only debate we've had about Tommy Boy is whether it's awesome or super awesome. That's love, bitch. [Lily and Marshall high-five]

Quote from Barney

Lily: [to Marshall] Baby, you have my full support.
Barney: Well, then, you're not going to be able to pay for that trip to Spain that you've been planning. [snickers] Say good-bye to riding around in gondolas, and eating bratwurst and seeing the pyramids.
Robin: I don't think you know what Spain is.
Barney: Well, I know that a trip there costs some serious lira.
Ted: It's dinero.
Barney: Where? I want his autograph!

Quote from Robin

Robin: I just had graduation goggles with that guy Scooby I dated.
Lily: The guy who was basically a dog?
Robin: He was the worst kisser I've ever been with. But the moment I decided to dump him... I suddenly got kind of wistful. He was a good boy.

Quote from Lily

Robin: ...so, if the Landmarks Preservation Committee sides with Zoey, your whole project goes down the tubes? You must be furious.
Ted: I'm furiously enjoying being challenged.
Lily: Why don't you admit that your girlfriend challenging your every move is getting you a little murder-suicidey?
Ted: Why don't you admit that Marshall quitting his job and taking an unpaid internship is killing you?
Lily: It's not.
Ted: Lily, the downside to having giant, Japanese anime eyes is that they're easy to read. And yours are screaming, "What about my trip to Spain, deadbeat?"
Lily: Okay, Ted, the downside to having a woman's mouth is, your feminine pout gives away your true feelings. And yours is saying, "Oh, Zoey, why can't I be on top just this once?"
Ted: We take turns!

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Hey. I just had the best first day at the NRDC.
Barney: [laughing] I'm sorry. Sorry. Something Hershel said at work today. [laughing]
Robin: Hershel?
Barney: What, don't you guys know Hershel? Didn't I tell you? Oh, he's the new lawyer who replaced Marshall at GNB. He is so awesome and funny and tall. Taller than Marshall and he knows way more laws.
Marshall: Well, I'm glad you like your new co-worker.
Barney: There's no Hershel! I was just saying that to make you jealous! Why do you insist we play these games?

Quote from Barney

Robin: Why in the world do you care so much whether Marshall works at GNB?
Barney: Care? I don't care. I'm like, whatever. Marshall who? He's stupid. Hershel's way better.
Robin: Okay, Barney, is it possible that with everything that's gone on with your dad lately, you might have some unresolved abandonment issues you're transferring onto Marshall?
Barney: Oh! Ugh! You are worse than my shrink. "Barney, we have to talk about your father." "Barney, I'm not going to teach you how to hypnotize people. You'll only use it for evil." "Barney, I am not going to conduct a couples session between you and this woman. She's obviously a prostitute." I don't need this!


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