Barney: And, Ted, just be yourself. [laughs] Just kidding. Here's a giant pile of topics you should avoid talking about.
Ted: Wow. Well, this could actually be fun. In fact, I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said... "Man is least himself when he talks"...
Barney: Ted, card.
Ted: Uh, you're right. "No quoting Oscar Wilde."

Barney: Uh, Lily, uh, talk about your open marriage.
Lily: Okay. Well, after a long day of style meetings and photo shoots, and being way too mean to my assistant, I sometimes bang an underwear model.
Jerry: My goodness.
Marshall: I sleep around too. Just as much. A little more even.
Lily: Oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day.
Marshall: Are we having this fight again? Writing plays is a real job!
Lily: I work 90 hours a week subsidizing your "real job."
Marshall: I won a Tony!
Lily: I brought French cooking to America!
Marshall: What?

[flashback to 1983:]
Jerry: Barney, I'm afraid this is good-bye. Your buzz-kill of a ma thinks I'm a "bad influence" on you.
Young Barney: What? That's... What is that word you taught me? "Bull" something?
Jerry: But she's your mother, and I'm... Well, she's your mother and I'm just your Uncle Jerry, so this is the last time I can see you.
Young Barney: But you were supposed to take me to see that Zeppelin cover band next week. The night is gonna be... "Led-engery."
Jerry: Sorry, buddy, but this is it. But don't you forget your training. What's a magician's best friend?
Young Barney: A drunk audience.
Barney: Attaboy.
Jerry: You still got that button from the festival we went to? Now... I'm gonna put this right inside your brain behind your ear, so that I'll know that you won't forget me. See ya, buddy. And hey. Never stop partying.

Barney: I am so angry at my dad! Guess who called me today. Go on, guess.
Marshall: Your dad?
Barney: My dad!
[flashback to Barney chatting with a woman at MacLaren's:]
Barney: [answers phone] Barney Stinson.
Jerry: Hi, Barney. It's your dad. Look, would you like to go fishing with me and J.J. on Sunday morning?
Barney: Ooh, hold on. Let me check my personality. Oh, no. Turns out I would never do that in a million years.
Jerry: Barney, look, I know you're disappointed that your dad is just a boring old driving instructor from the suburbs, but that guy I used to be, "Crazy Jerry", he was bad news. Drinking, partying, sleeping around. The party can't go on forever. You're 35. I'm sure you're starting to realize that, right?
Barney: You do not know how right you are.
[present:]
Barney: Zero right! We're not getting too old for anything.
Ted: You sure? I feel like we collectively learn the opposite lesson... like, at least once a year.
Barney: I have to face an ugly truth. Jerry Whitaker, my own father is anti-awesometic. I know Crazy Jerry's still in there somewhere, but he's trapped under 20 years of lawn mower parties and carpool barbecues.
Robin: Wow, you know nothing about the suburbs.
Barney: Well, this Saturday night, I am busting him out. I'm gonna make Jerry realize he was wrong about giving up his old life by showing him the awesomest night of all time. And for the awesomest night of all time... I'm going to need the awesomest friends of all time. ... Okay, who do I know? Guys. Do any of you know George Clooney?

Barney: Dad, isn't this place great?
Jerry: Uh, I don't know. l-It's so loud!
Marshall: And so bourgeois! Many of my plays are about the bourgeois. And ennui. And one rock opera about a frozen-yogurt shop.

Marshall: So, you really believe that if we were in an open marriage that you would do better than me?
Lily: Hey, you do better than me at a lot of other things. Like digesting dairy and reaching for stuff.
Marshall: Okay, you know what? Game on. If I can score five numbers before you can, then we have sex in the bathroom. But if you can score five numbers before me, then we have sex in the bathroom.
Lily: So our usual wager? Deal.

Jerry: Barney, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid this is what it's like hanging out with Crazy Jerry.
Barney: It's okay, Dad. I never thought tonight would be so awesome! So, next stop, strip club. The Lusty Leopard has a special...
Jerry: Oh, for corn's sake, Barney, I'm not drunk!
Barney: What?
Jerry: I told you I don't party anymore, and you wouldn't take no for an answer. So... I used a little sleight of hand to make you think otherwise.
Barney: But all those crazy things you did.
Jerry: You happen to remember what a magician's best friend is?
Barney: A drunk audience.

Barney: How did you do it?
Jerry: Do what?
Barney: How did you become this? I mean, I love my life, but I'm not sure I like loving it. Sure, strip clubs...
Jerry: You're drifting.
Barney: Hey, I'm trying to open up to you.
Jerry: No, Mrs. Perkins, you're drifting! Go on, Barney.
Barney: When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life and who I am, and... I'm too far gone. I'm broken.
Jerry: Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be, and look at me now. Don't get me wrong. Settling down is a challenge. It's the biggest challenge of your life.
Barney: So how do you do it?
Jerry: A magician never reveals his greatest trick. But I'll give you a hint. You gotta meet the right girl. Who knows? Maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Barney: Maybe I've met her already.

Barney: Okay, my dad's almost here. I need everything to be as awesome as possible tonight.
Lily: That's why you brought these guys!
Barney: No. That's why I brought these guys. I've made some minor improvements to your identities. Uh, you'll find them on these cards.
Marshall: Improvements? Bro, we are already the four jiggidy-jammiest dudes and dudettes this side of... Okay, let's see the cards.

Barney: Robin, no one watches the news unless it's a car chase or a nip slip. You are now a professional scotch taster.
Robin: Mmm!
Barney: Lily, Jerry needs to learn that other lifestyles are just as fulfilling as monogamy, so now you and Marshall are in an open marriage.
Lily: Ooh!
Marshall: Gross!
Barney: Also, Marshall, you can't just be unemployed, so you are now a gin-swilling, womanizing playwright.