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‘Mystery Vs. History’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

How I Met Your Mother: Mystery Vs. History

706. Mystery Vs. History

Aired October 17, 2011

When Ted meets a new woman, they agree to keep up the mystery by not researching each other on the Internet. Meanwhile, Marshall and Lily decide against learning the sex of their baby.

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] By the fall of 2011, technology had taken a lot of the intrigue out of life. The Internet had everyone's wall of information. Nothing was a mystery anymore. But, kids, there was a time before that, way back in the dark ages.
[the gang at MacLaren's in 2005:]
Ted: Are you people insane?! The most popular food in America is the cheeseburger!
Lily: No way! It's pizza!
Marshall: Are we forgetting about a certain Mr. Furter, first name Frank?
Robin: Um, what did every kid bring in their lunchbox every day till grade eight? Pancakes with maple syrup.
Barney: Thanks, Canada. We're looking for a food the average American eats. Oh! Chinese food.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then came the smartphone.
[the gang at MacLaren's in 2011, everyone staring at their phone:]
Robin: Hey, remember when we were arguing about the most popular food? It's bread.
All: Hmm.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And the barroom debate was dead.

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Quote from Marshall

Barney: You guys have to see this.
Lily: No. We're with Ted on this. We don't want to find out about Janet, just like we don't want to find out about the baby.
Marshall: Because we like mystery, whether it's the hairy majesty of Bigfoot, or the bloodsucking ferocity of the Chupacabra, or the gender of our little miracle.
Lily: Thanks for putting those together in the same sentence, sweetie.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Sweet mother of God! A dog in Ottawa ran all the way to Saskatoon! What? We figured out the Janet thing. I'm catching up on Canada.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Come on, if you don't know the gender, you're gonna get generic crap at the baby shower. But if you do know the gender, you'll get, oh, I don't know, this! Marshall! Lights!
Marshall: Okay.
Barney: When little Jack's not turning double plays, he's turning heads with this home run of an outfit! And if it's a little girl, this royal ensemble may leave you speechless, but it's sure to make little Sally say, "I wuv you, Mommy, and I wuv my dress, and I would love to see you in the shower." Sorry, I kind of fell out of character in that last part. But if you don't know the gender, Little Fran is sure to be the pariah of the playground in this hermaphroditic burlap sack. Marshall! Lights!

Quote from Ted

Ted: So, while this font is often mistaken for Helvetica, the fact is... it's Helvetica Bold. [inner monologue] I can actually hear the sound of her vagina being boarded up. [out loud] I got to be honest, Janet. First of all, this is Times New Roman. Second, I'm having trouble coming up with things to talk about.
Janet: You? I'm sitting here thinking, "Damn it, I wish I had something as good as that font thing. That's gold."

Quote from Robin

Robin: Ted says, "I'm not clicking on the link, so leave me alone." And then either texted me a bunch of symbols for profanity, or got food poisoning and dropped the weirdest deuce of all time.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Look, I have pretended to be a licensed therapist enough times to know there is something unhealthy about your not wanting to find out. Back me up here, Kev.
Kevin: No, no, no, no, no. This real therapist won't risk upsetting his wonderful new girlfriend by
analyzing her wonderful friends. [tilts his head towards Barney] No matter how mentally unbalanced they may be.
Barney: I hear you.
Kevin: I don't think you do.

Quote from Marshall

Lily: We just don't want to burden our little angel with all kinds of gender-specific expectations. Boys can do ballet; girls can play football.
Marshall: Hell, the Green Bay Packers have been proving that for years. That would've gotten a big laugh at a sports bar.

Quote from Marshall

Barney: You guys are idiots!
Future Ted: Okay, not completely dead.
Barney: You are seriously telling me you don't want to open that envelope and find out if you're having a boy or a girl?
Lily: Nope. Dr. Sonya only gave us this in case we wanted to know.
Marshall: But we don't. Lilypad and I are just gonna wait till that baby pops out and enjoy the big surprise.

Quote from Robin

Robin: Well, I say define gender roles early. All the other girls got a pretty dress and a cake when they turned 14. Me...
[flashback to fourteen-year-old Robin and her father in a helicopter:]
Robin: I want to go home, Daddy!
Robin Sr.: That direction is nothing but wolves. And 40 kilometers that way is the mining town of Smithers. I'd take my chances with the wolves. I'll see you in three days.
Robin: Well, wait, what am I supposed to eat?
Robin Sr.: Hey, you've got a knife, the forest is full of animals. What do you want, a buffet?
Robin: Papa...!
Robin Sr.: Happy birthday, son...!
[present:]
Barney: Got any thoughts on that, Doc?
Kevin: If you guys think I'm going near that, you're crazy.
Robin: Why'd you emphasize "you're"?
Kevin: No reason. You're pretty.

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