Lily: Are you okay?
Robin: Yeah, yeah, um, I guess this, um, this pole-vaulting thing is finally hitting me.
Lily: I don't get it, Robin. Did you really want to be a pole-vaulter?
Robin: No, no, I was, uh, I was always adamantly against having a, uh, a pole-vaulting career, even though it's
what most women want.
Lily: Most women want to be a pole-vaulter?
Robin: In Canada. It's very big up there. You know, it's, it's meet a nice guy, get married, vault some poles, but I... never wanted that. Of course, it's one thing not to want something. It's another to be told you can't have it. I guess it's, it's just nice knowing that you could someday do it if you changed your mind. But now, all of a sudden, that door is closed.
Lily: What about the one where you ski and shoot at the same time? That seems like something you'd be good at.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, your Aunt Robin never became a pole-vaulter, but she did become a famous journalist, a successful businesswoman, a world traveler. She was even briefly a bullfighter. That's a funny story, I'll get to that one later. But there's one thing your Aunt Robin never was. She was never alone.

Future Robin: [v.o.] So, kids, I settled in for a Christmas alone. I appreciated that Ted wanted to cheer me up, but honestly, it wasn't necessary. So I can't have kids. Big deal. This way there's no one to hold me back in life, no one to keep me from traveling where I want to travel, no one getting in the way of my career. If you want to know the truth of it, I'm glad you guys aren't real.
Robin: Really glad.

Future Robin: [v.o.] Kids, have I ever told you the story of how I met your father? Well, I'll just skip ahead to the moment I told him I was pregnant.
[flashback to Barney and Robin in the bathroom at Marshall and Lily's Long Island house:]
Barney: W... What happened? Did I pass out? Not exactly.
[a few seconds earlier:]
Robin: I'm pregnant.
Barney: Are you sure you're not just getting fat?
[Robin punches Barney; later:]
Barney: Oh, yeah. So, um, you're pregnant.
Robin: Yeah.
Barney: Huh. Looks like nobody told your boobs.
[Robin punches Barney again; later:]
Barney: What happened? Did I pass out?
Robin: Oh, my...
Barney: Please stop hitting me!

Barney: Are you sure you're...
Robin: Well, no, not positive. I'm a week late. But I'm never late; it's a point of pride with me. I'm going to go see the doctor on Monday to find out for sure. Until then, not a word of this to anyone.
Barney: Not even Kevin? I mean, it's probably his. I've spent years training my boys to swim the other way.
Robin: Kevin and I haven't had sex yet. If I'm pregnant, you're the dad.
Barney: That's... wonderful!
Robin: Huh?
Barney: I'm gonna be a daddy!
[Robin passes out]

Robin: Barney, why are you so happy about this?
Barney: Because this is perfect. I want to be a dad.
Robin: This is not good news. I have a boyfriend.
Barney: Yeah, but if Kevin weren't around...
Robin: It doesn't matter! I don't want kids. I've never wanted kids, and never, in a million years, will I ever want kids.
Future Robin: Sorry, kids.
Robin: I can't have a baby.

Future Robin: [v.o.] The next day, we went to the doctor.
Dr. Sonya: Well, Mrs. Scherbatsky, I'm sure that you and your husband...
Robin: Uh, he's not my husband.
Dr. Sonya: Oh, I'm so sorry. Your boyfriend then.
Robin: He's not my boyfriend.
Dr. Sonya: Oh, bozhe. All right, well, I will just cut to the chase.
Barney: Wait! Wait. All right. Okay.
Dr. Sonya: All right, we're ready. Good. You are not pregnant.
Barney: Yeah!
Robin: Oh, yeah!
Barney: That's what I'm talking about!
[Barney plays upbeat music. He, Robin and Dr. Sonya start dancing]
Future Robin: Again, sorry kids.

Dr. Sonya: Robin, we ran some tests last week. This is going to be difficult to hear.
Future Robin: [v.o.] And then the doctor said a bunch of medical stuff that... Well, the gist of it was this.
Robin: I can't have a baby?

Dr. Sonya: No. You can't have a baby.
Robin: Uh, great. Uh, well, I mean, um, not-not great. I mean, I've never wanted kids, so if it has to happen to someone...
Dr. Sonya: Robin, is there anyone you can talk to about this? Perhaps a close friend?
Future Robin: [v.o.] I knew I could have talked to my friends. But, it's just, I already knew exactly how they would all react. Ted would go into overdrive trying to make me feel better.
Ted: You need comfort food. Fried chicken, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes. Open your present, I'll work on these shoulders. Okay, just breathe, relax, eat your chicken. Come on, eat, breathe, open it, breathe, open it, eat. Robin, why are you so tense?!

Future Robin: Lily would just implode.
Lily: [sobbing] And here I've been going on and on about babies. Oh, I am such a bad friend!
Future Robin: And I'd wind up comforting her.
Robin: It's okay.
Lily: You have to punch me in the face!
Future Robin: Marshall would ask me a ton of questions I don't know the answers to.
Marshall: Have you thought about adoption?
Robin: Um, well...
Marshall: Does this kind of thing run in your family?
Robin: Uh...
Marshall: What was the date, duration and consistency of your last period?
Future Robin: And your father would bend over backwards trying to make me laugh.
Barney: A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. No, a barbershop. No, a post office. No, it's two priests. No, it's two ducks. No, a priest holding a duck. And he's Polish. The priest, not the duck. Actually, the duck could be Polish, too. Doesn't matter. Yes it does. The duck's not Polish.
Future Robin: And when that didn't work, he would actually bend over backwards.
Barney: Pratfall! Ow!