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‘Now We're Even’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

How I Met Your Mother: Now We're Even

721. Now We're Even

Aired April 16, 2012

As Ted gets comfortable in his new apartment, Barney is determined to drag him out every night. Meanwhile, Lily has a sex dream about someone, and Robin finally finds fame as a news anchor.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: [flipping a color chart] Not the rose quartz of the slightly embarrassed, or the tomato red of the mildly abashed, vermilion, the color of carnal shame. Can only mean one thing: Lily dream-banged someone we know.
Barney: Okay, you caught me vermilion-handed. The truth is, I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife.
Marshall: That movie only came out two years ago.
Barney: What movie?

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Quote from Ranjit

Marshall: I had no idea that food could be this delicious.
Ranjit: Marshall, you are being crazy.
Marshall: No, no, I can handle it. If I sell my laptop, we can get seconds on those squash blossoms.
Ranjit: I mean about Lily.
Marshall: Well, you know, she's being crazy, too.
Ranjit: She's pregnant. She gets to be crazy. You have to be the sane one.
Marshall: So what, I don't get to be crazy again until the baby comes?
Ranjit: No. Then it's baby's turn to be crazy.
Marshall: When do I get to be crazy again?
Ranjit: Never. [laughs]

Quote from Ted

Marshall: So, how's living alone?
Ted: You know, it's interesting. When I first moved into my new apartment, I was nervous. For the first time in my adult life, I didn't have a roommate. But then it hit me, for the first time in my adult life, I didn't have a roommate! If I want to walk around naked, nobody cares. If I want to leave the laundry basket in the middle of the living room, nobody stops me. If I bring home soup from the deli and leave it in the fridge for two days, nobody eats it. And if I do something colossally stupid, nobody ever has to know. People make fun of the guy who stays home every night doing nothing. But the truth is... that guy's a genius. Because let's be honest, sitting around watching TV, drinking beer and eating ribs alone is what every red-blooded American would rather be doing at all times.
Marshall: Yeah, but wouldn't it be better to have someone to share the... I mean, don't you get lonely without... Yeah, that sounds pretty great.

Quote from Ranjit

Marshall: Ranjit, would you please put up the partition?
Ranjit: Partition going up.
[As the partition goes up to about 80%:]
Marshall: You had a sex dream about Ranjit!
Ranjit: Hello.
Marshall: Ranjit!
Ranjit: Sorry.
[Ranjit raises the partition fully]
Lily: Okay, yes, I did, but it didn't mean anything.
Marshall: Okay, well, what happened in this dream? And I want to know everything. Every explicit detail. Don't leave out any... [Marshall realizes the partition is fully lowered] Damn it, Ranjit!
Ranjit: Sorry.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: All pregnant ladies have crazy sex dreams. It's just her hormones going berserk.
Barney: So who's responsible for her rapid thigh movement this time?
Ted: Oh, my favorite was when she banged George Washington.
Barney: I liked the three-way with Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf.
Ted: Oh, he smurfed the smurf out of her.
Marshall: Yes, while The Cos smurfed off in the corner. We all remember. But here's the thing. When Lily has dirty dreams about other people, she always tells me. But this time...
[flashback:]
Marshall: Sounds like you had a crazy dream. What was it about?
Marshall: [v.o.] And then her face turned... vermilion.
Lily: Just... you and me... gettin' it on, monogamously. Monoga-me-oh-my.

Quote from Lily

Future Ted: [v.o.] That night was the night of Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's fancy dinner.
Marshall: Complete with a fancy limo ride. Surprise!
Ranjit: Hello!
[Lily's face turns Vermillion]
Lily: Hi, Rajnit.
Marshall: No!

Quote from Barney

Barney: You don't want to go bungee jumping, fine. Tonight's The Night We Stole a Mummy from the Natural History Museum!
[title: The Night We Stole a Mummy from the Natural History Museum]
Ted: Yeah, I'm not doing that.
Barney: Then get out your MetroCard, Ted, because tonight's The Night We Partied with the Mole People!
[title: The Night We Partied with the Mole People]
Ted: Barney, I have a Stouffer's lasagna for one in the freezer that is going to be unforgettable. I have a Sanford and Son on my DVR that I will take with me to my grave. I don't need tonight to be any more memorable than that.
Barney: Okay, Sanford and Son does sound good. But if I could just present a counter argument... [closes Ted's door] You're locked out, dummy!

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] Robin got famous. In the next few days, she would... meet the mayor, go on Letterman and even have a deli sandwich named after her. But most importantly, that night, she got a call, text or e-mail from almost everyone she'd ever met.
[montage:]
Robin: Hey, Marshall.
Robin: Hey, Lil.
Robin: Hey, Barney. Yes, I know you're dating a stripper.
Robin: Hey, Dad. You proud of your little girl? Okay, I'll keep trying.

Quote from Barney

Barney: Okay, time for my stuff. Guys, I was sitting at home last night, and all of a sudden, I had a piphany. And my piphany was this...
Ted: Actually, it's, uh, it's "epiphany."
Barney: No, Ted, this is the piphany. And here it is: Make... every... night... legendary. Guys, we've had some pretty legendary nights. But we've also had some nights that weren't so legendary. Lookin' at you, "The Night Ted
Made Us All Watch Norbit".
Ted: Eddie Murphy as a fat lady. What's the problem?
Lily: That was Eddie Murphy?
Barney: The non-legendary nights are done. From here on in, every single night of our lives will be a night we'll never forget. Starting tonight. Who's ready for the longest, craziest adventure yet?! [Lily and Marshall bounce] Good. The weak have been weeded from our herd. You ready to rock and roll, Ted?
Ted: Yeah, I'm going home, too. I'm sensing some costumes coming up here and I'd rather steer clear.
Barney: Ted, 20 years from now, when you're all alone and I'm President, you're not gonna remember sitting around your apartment doing nothing. What you will remember is that tonight, this night... was The Night We Started a Mariachi Band! Uno, dos, tres, quatro!

Quote from Barney

Barney: What's the best thing about dating a stripper, you ask?
Quinn: Nope. Just asked for your drink order.
Barney: I'll tell you the best thing about dating a stripper.
Quinn: He'll just have a scotch.
Barney: Getting to say, "Hey, I'm dating a stripper."
Quinn: And I should go. Time to make the doughnuts.
Barney: More like time to make some dough sitting on some nuts. She's a stripper. I'm dating her. I'm dating a stripper. Barney wins. I'll walk you out.

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