Barney: Katie's here. Okay, real quick, last night, epiphany! I realized what the world of dating needs. Ready? A lemon law.
Robin: A lemon law, like for cars.
Barney: Exactly. From the moment the date begins you have five minutes to decide whether you're going to commit to an entire evening. And if you don't, it's no hard feelings just "Good night, thanks for playing, see you never." Huh? Huh? The Lemon Law. It's gonna be a thing. Possibly starting right now.

Barney: So, anyway, I was on date with this girl, Jackie.
[flashback to MacLaren's:]
Barney: Wow, Jackie, you make a really great first impression. I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie... Oh!
Jackie: Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to lemon law you.
[back:]
Barney: It's out there, it's a thing. The lemon law is a thing. Damn, I should have called it Barney's law.

Ted: Chinese restaurant, I still don't believe it.
Lily: I told you. Okay, a toast. Life is full of changes. One day you have an apartment, the next day it's a house of dumplings. But the important stuff doesn't change. To the important stuff.
All: Cheers.
Barney: And to the lemon law. Self-clink.
Lily: And by the way, I bought these glasses. I bought them at Ikea. These are my glasses.
Marshall: I love this song. I haven't heard this in forever.
Lily: I'm pretty sure this is a mixed tape you made me in sophomore year.
Robin: Lily, your apartment makes the best Shanghai dumplings.
Marshall: [on tape] I love you, Lily. Happy Valentine's Day 1998.

Future Ted: [v.o.] So kids, there are many buildings New York City. Thousands of apartments. Millions of stories. And even though it's been decades and someone else lives there now, there's one apartment in particular that will always be our apartment. I have so many great memories of that place. Marshall playing video games. Lily painting on the fire escape.
Mr. Madsen: Hey!
Lily: Sorry, Mr. Madsen.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And me making the coffee. I had this coffeepot that was probably 50 years old at that time, and it made truly terrible coffee. We called it Shocky.
Ted: Plugging in.
Marshall: Saving game.
[Ted gets shocked as he plugs the coffee maker in]
Future Ted: [v.o.] I loved every last detail of that place. Right down to the incredibly tacky swords we hung on the wall. I never wanted any of it to change. But that's not how life works.

Lily: I can see how you would think that but I have to have my own place. It's an independence thing.
Robin: When was the last time you were there?
Lily: Three months ago. [Robin laughs] What? It's like fat pants. You hope you never have to use 'em but you're glad to know they're there.

Waitress: Hi, how many? [as Lily looks up] Lily.
Lily: Yes, you know me?
Waitress: Yeah, from your homecoming picture. You're much prettier in the person.
Lily: Yeah, I know, the bangs were a mistake. Where's my stuff?
Waitress: Oh, it's all in the back. We could wrap it up for you. You want it to go?
Lily: This is my apartment!
Waitress: Not anymore.

Robin: Okay, seriously, what is this girl's deal?
Barney: Sort of on a date with her.
Ted: What?
Barney: I found her online. I'm tired of the whole bar scene, the one-night hookups. I'm looking for a soul-mate, someone who I can love and cuddle, or so it says in my profile. [evil laugh]

Ted: I should really make this call.
Robin: Ooh, can I do it?
Barney: [answers phone] Hello?
Robin: Hi there, sexy.
Barney: Hello, Aunt Kathy, what's up?
Robin: Oh, nothing. Just sitting here, thinking about you, hot stuff.
Barney: An accident? Well, is Uncle Rudy gonna be OK?
Robin: Aunt Kathy's got an itch that only you can scratch, big boy.
Barney: Oh God! Why did he think he could build his own helicopter?
Robin: Come on, daddy, break me off a piece of that white chocolate.
Barney: Well, if he needs a transplant, he can have mine. I'll be right there. You know, I... [stammers to his date, gets up, walks past Ted and Robin] See you guys later.

Ted: He was gonna take the swords down. Can you believe that?
Robin: Ted, why don't you just talk to him? He's your best friend. [Barney protests] One of your best friends. The point is, maybe it's time for some healthy communication.
Barney: Healthy communication? That's the worst idea ever. Look, you held off their first advance. That's good. Now it's time to counter-strike.
Ted: Yeah, well, what am I supposed to do?
Barney: You gotta mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet. You gotta do something big.
Ted: What, like buy a new sofa?
Barney: Bigger.

Lily: Man, Ted's been acting weird. He started labeling all his food. He even carved "Ted" into that block of cheese.
Marshall: Yeah. Well, now it's Ed's.